I feel like I share a lot of what you're feeling, and I'm exhausted all the time too. I cry and feel broken.
I really wanted to comment on:
my own mother doesn't even like me so why would anyone else right?
If there's one thing I've learned when working for years in education, is that not all mothers are equal.
I've liked a lot of people who have had a mother that didn't like them, or step parents that haven't liked them. Your mother's opinion doesn't determine your worth.
I don't know what to do anymore I'm trying so hard to hang on but I'm loosing this battle against myself and I can't stop it !
Coming here is a great step to show yourself you're prepared to battle. And in my opinion you'll never lose the battle as long as you keep fighting. But I know it's hard to keep on going when feeling exhausted and weary.
If you haven't yet seen your GP/Doctor, and talked about a mental health plan to get up to 10 sessions with psychologist, you should do that as your next step.Having someone to really talk to in a confidential way can be great relief, especially if you don't have family support.
The GP may suggest medication. Be aware that medication for mental illness doesn't always work first time, and it's a process to find the correct dose and type, that has minimal side effects. It's a trial and error thing unfortunately, so keep that in mind if the medication doesn't seem to work.
Keep fighting. Below is the stuff I try to do to keep fighting:
- Using micro distractions to try and head of chains of thought,
e.g. watch a silly video, play a computer game, entertain the cat rather
than follow the dark thoughts.
- Walking. Some other exercise, but primarily walking (with head phones in).
- Goal listing and checking completion: Writing down what I must
get done. Ticking it off when it gets done. Reviewing the list to see a
marker of success.
- If unable to do stuff, try to make the effort one jot better,
i.e. if I only can put one achievement for the day down, try for two
tomorrow.
- Baths to relax and soothe before bed to aid with sleep.
- No caffeine after 12pm to help me sleep. No naps after 12pm to help me sleep.
- Get up the same time every day even if I'm doing nothing.
- Reading as a distraction to dark thoughts.
- Audiobooks. These are my saviour. A mixture of new interesting books so I can focus on them rather than depressive thoughts while cleaning, walking, etc and old favourite books I know off by heart that I can listen too while trying to sleep, familiar enough I don't need to stay awake to hear the next bit, but good enough to
maintain my interest. Some stories just evoke my childhood nostalgia and happy memories too (e.g. The faraway tree).
Thanks for reading,
Grok
