Rollercoaster of ups and downs...

[Jessy22]

Hi All,   I am a new member to these forums and thought I would write my story as I am at the point of not knowing where to turn… I am 23 years old and have suffered anxiety and depression since the age of 14. I can’t say I have experienced much trauma throughout my life; being brought up within a loving and supportive family, having a close group of friends, living a generally normal life. I find it extremely hard to speak to others about my condition due to this reason as I don’t have much reason to be depressed. I come across as a confident, bubbly and caring person. I will admit throughout my high school years I did participate in a lot of partying and took associated substances during this time. I have also been a heavy cannabis smoker for around 5 years. I am naturally an extremely driven person, with perfectionism characteristics which has helped me succeed in my career being a Property Manager, winning awards and gaining a reputation within the community of providing a great service to all of my clients. I was working for a small property management company with just 2 employees, being myself and my boss, working from her home based office. She was amazingly supportive to whom I considered a close friend, even becoming part of their family. She received tragic news that her 3 year old son had been diagnosed with cancer which resulted in me having to look after the business by myself whilst she attended hospital constantly. I guess looking back this did affect me quite a bit due to the stress and emotion however at the time I ran on adrenaline as my main focus was to help her and the company. During this time; I had decided to wean myself off my antidepressant; as I felt I was a lot better and ready to face life without medication. For a few months after; I felt fantastic, finally feeling comfortable in my own skin and genuinely happy within myself. We then received fantastic news that my boss’s son was officially in remission and that he would be ok. Things were great in my life. Until things took an unexpected turn… I started to find even the smallest tasks were stressing me out, I was unable to cope with client interaction and took a lot of things to heart. This resulted into getting major panic attacks, feeling like I couldn’t breath and constantly falling apart in tears over nothing. With my boss recognising this; she recommended that I take a week off just to relax and not think about work. After returning back to work after my break, things did not improve. In fact they became even worse. My negative thoughts started to take over; my normal happy persona was diminishing; I started to feel anxious in social situations and just felt constantly empty.   I then decided to seek help from a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with major depression with agitation as well as panic disorder and advised that I need to recommence on another type of antidepressant immediately as well as an anti-psychotic medication. He stated that I was “unfit for work” as the side effects would be full on and I needed to be monitored. He also advised I needed to quit cannabis immediately as this would stop the medication from working properly.   I was absolutely devastated by the news, being someone who was so used to being in control and independent. The next couple of months were absolute hell, I was unable to do anything for myself; to the extent of my parents needing to help me out of bed, forcing me to eat. Driving was not an option. Luckily my boss was still extremely supportive and told me to take all the time I needed to recover.  I was in complete isolation for 2 months. After trying a couple of types of antidepressants; I finally found one that seemed to have agreed with me. After the 3rd month off work; I was finally ready to return back to work. I was actually excited to get back to normality and routine. 2 days before I was supposed to start; I received a call from my boss. She advised she would need to make my position redundant as the company was not growing and she couldn’t afford to keep employees.   It was another major blow for me, I was in complete shock. I had mixed emotions; anger, depression, confusion, self-blame… After a couple of days of crying; I immediately started looking for a new job in the same industry which to my surprise; I received 3 job offers within the week. The role I accepted was in a bigger company with a team of 23. I tried my hardest to feel excited about it; yet had this “empty” feeling still lingering. I tried to convince myself this was just nervousness and things would work out. I ended up lasting 3 days at this job and quit… After the 2nd day, I witnessed the boss screaming & swearing at all the employees, the in office banter was insulting and intimidating, the way they spoke about their clients was disgusting. The environment definitely didn’t fit and lead me to feel anxious and unconfident. I then took another role in a smaller company... I lasted 4 days and quit… I took another role after that… I lasted a week and quit. At the time of starting each role, I tried to be open minded, I understood that it takes time to adjust to new environments, yet the constant feeling of anxiety kept returning, I was always running to the bathroom to be sick due to this panic, sitting in the corner of the cubicle balling my eyes out. I had absolutely no confidence in myself and felt these companies were better off with someone that could actually cope.   To make matters harder, my parents have now gone on a holiday for 2 and half weeks so am sitting here alone at home feeling like a complete failure. Feeling like my life is going nowhere, I have no meaning anymore. I have had to double my antidepressants as my psych believes this is necessary. To add to this; I did the silly mistake of obtaining more cannabis to try and cope with it all. Yet it made matters even worse. The feeling was horrible and nothing I had ever experienced before, making me feel even more depressed, paranoid and completely out of it. It wasn’t the answer anymore… There is nothing out there that will help me cope with this.    I honestly thought I was on the verge of recovery at the beginning of the year.. now Im feeling worse than ever. Ive lost all motivation to do anything, the only escape I feel is when I am asleep and don’t have to deal with any of it. I don’t want to socialise with anyone yet at the same time I just want to talk to someone that understands. It is now 2:30pm, I am still in my pajamas and haven’t showered.. my thoughts just keep telling me its not worth it… ive lost my strength and fight.. I keep getting told “just take one day at a time”… I am so sick of hearing that… time seems to make matters worse…

[Neil_1]

Hi Jessy

Firstly, welcome to Beyond Blue and I hope that by you finding this site and then creating this thread, that you may have found that to be a little therapeutic.  I know of a few members here who feel better for getting things off their chest … and this is such a wonderful community as well.  So we welcome you with open arms.

You’re just 23yo, who has a bright, confident, bubbly and caring nature and being that way, I can easily see how you’ve come to succeed in your chosen profession of Real Estate and being a successful property manager. That is some major kudos to you Jessy for being able to accomplish that at such a young age.  Not only that, but to accomplish that while being afflicted with a terrible mental illness. 

 You were then beaten down with your illness and on top of that, to the news that your job was being made redundant.  Huge body blow to you.

But up you got and dusted yourself off and applied and was successful in a number of jobs since.  That takes massive courage and strength to be able to do that when you’re feeling so incredibly low – to seek out possible new jobs, apply, be found suitable to be interviewed and then by process of elimination, which is generally what an interview will do, you came through with flying colours to be successful on a number of occasions. 

Ok, sure, for the moment, those jobs never turned out to be long term for you, but please remember this … that when you’re next able to get up again, you know you have the skills and quals to win another job.  Please keep that in the forefront of your mind Jessy.

For the time being, while your parents are away, it is important if you can try to keep yourself occupied – with what you’ve written, I’m guessing that you might be an avid reader?  Is this true or should I give up in my quest to become a psychic?  But if you enjoy books are you able to get one or two … really choice ones that you think you will enjoy and immerse yourself in these for a while.

Do you feel any better now that your meds have been ‘upped’?  Do you see a GP as well as a psych?  Is there anyone else that you may be able to call upon in the next few days or week who might be able to come to your aid for support?  A good friend perhaps?  Any other family members?

I know this might be very difficult for you to do, but if you can please get rid of the cannabis, that will be an enormous help to you.  Just judging from what you’ve written with regard to how it made you feel just recently that is definitely not something that you should be doing in your current mind-set.

Jessy, you mentioned that you felt you were on the verge at the start of the year that you were on the verge of recovery.  That was brilliant to read and is there any way at all that you could ‘transport’ yourself back to that time … it’s not that long ago … and think (and even write down) WHY you felt that recovery was close for you.  I hope it becomes a long list for you … write down how you thought you felt then, what you were doing during the day and also at nighttime.  If the list becomes long that’s great … and if after a while, you look at what you’ve written, do you then see any common themes happening?  If so, I know it will be difficult, but do you think you could then try to merge some of those positive thoughts/actions back to your inner self right now?

I have written a fair bit, so for the moment Jessy, I’ll finish this up, but I would really love to hear from you again.

 Kind regards

Neil

[Jessy22]

Hi Neil, Thanks so much for your reply. 

I do appreciate your positive feedback, and I know I should be happy with myself for achieving so much this year after that major blow, but I guess the depression really works hard at making me not believe anything positive. Which I guess is a good thing to identify. 

I do enjoy reading and that can be something to put on my "goals list"!

To be honest, since my medication has been increased, I've been constantly feeling dazed and out of it, like I'm in a dream. Finding it very hard to concentrate on things and feeling very fatigued. I have spoken with my psych about this and he believes this can be a general side effect and to wait a couple of weeks to see if this subsides. I have had a couple of sessions with my psychologist as well in the past week which has helped quite a bit. Doing a lot of CBT work as well as identifying that these thoughts is not the result of my personality changing but merely the depression itself. My sister has been helping my make a to do list for each day to ensure I keep myself busy and give me reason to get out of bed each morning. I do have a couple of very supportive friends however as much as they are always there to listen, I don't want to be a burden on them. It's already been a very long journey and I would hate to exhaust them with my depressed attitude. It can be challenging to talk to people who don't truly understand how depression works. 

A couple of positives that I have achieved: I have disposed the cannabis to ensure I am not tempted to touch it again. I know that is no longer the answer for me anymore. My psych said I need to look at it as a positive experience as it has shown me even though I used it in the past as a coping mechanism, it has been a good realisation that it no longer serves that purpose. 

I have since joined a gym and am getting personal training sessions, something I have never done before. As much as my muscles are in agony at the moment, it has been a positive start to commit to something healthy.

Regarding the work side of things, my psych agrees that I may need to take a break from a pressured job at this stage while I take the time to fully recover. I am considering doing a course in Business Administration which is a self paced online course that I can complete from home. Something I can add to my resume as well as broaden my knowledge. During this time I will try and get a casual job in a bar or something to help gain my confidence back without the added pressure of constant responsibility.

My perfectionist and driven characteristics appear to cause me to put way too much pressure on myself. I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I need to take the time to focus on a balanced lifestyle. Fingers crossed I am taking the right path!

[geoff]

dear Jessy, firstly a warm welcome to you.

I am so pleased that my esteemed friend Neil has got control over these posts, and in which case this is you, and can I say that he is still trying to cope with his own issues, but he is so fortunate that he can reply in a warm and caring way, in which I take my hat off to him.

You raise the point of being a 'perfectionist', and I am just wondering whether or not you have any OCD, but this isn't what is concerning you at the moment.

You have to be highly commended at such a young age to have the experience of being a property manager, which will stand by yourself for the future, but now we have to try and help you with your depression.

As your psych has said let's give this medication a few more weeks, I know that may seem to be forever, but hopefully day by day your body will become able to cope with this, because it's of prime concern that the only side-effect is feeling a bit dazed, this will settle down.

People tend to jump into another job after they have left their previous one, and I think it's because it's to prove that they can still get a job, but basically this isn't the right thing to do, because their depression hasn't gone, and two to one on they won't be able to survive this, and when I say survive, it's not that you are incapable of doing the job, because you can, but not while you have depression.

The law makers want to legalise cannabis, well I am in two minds about this, because my son was smoking it in Mildura, and although I didn't mention to him to stop it, unlike what my ex said to him, I approached the topic from a different angle, and now he's been off it for a couple of months and feels so much better for doing so, and it does reduce the effect of your antidepressants, just like excessive alcohol does.

Now there's something very important for you to realise, you have to understand that depression cripples us from wanting to do anything, all we want to do is sleep, not socialise with our mates, maybe not shower, and can be disinterested in food, so grab this paragraph and hold onto it, so now this means that you are NOT a failure, you have depression, and all these characteristics belong to this awful illness, and so now it takes time, counselling, CBT and medication for you to overcome this depression.

With that paragraph sits on top of it your capability, don't hit it, because eventually it will return, and if you can do this Business Administration course at your own time, then full marks. Geoff.

[Jessy22]

Thank for your reply Geoff.

I do understand that the medication takes time to work, but this feeling of "emptiness" does not seem to be helping the issue at the moment. I feel like I have lost my personality... been attempting to hang with friends and lead a normal life yet nothing feels normal anymore. I know that this is the depression causing this but it just feels like theres no escape anymore. I feel like the fun me has completely gone, i find it hard to keep a conversation going, I dont experience any pleasure in joking around anymore. 

Before my downfall last year, I was off the medication and loving life. I was confident, positive and bubbly, I was a fun person to be around. I loved socialising and meeting new people. I feel like this medication has taken that all away from me and completely masked all my positive characteristics. I honestly do not know who I am anymore. Im not a fun person to be around anymore, Im just a zombie floating through life.

I can't deny that the medication did help me stabilize when I was in the midst of my debilitating depression, yet now I just dont feel its helping me whatsoever. I'm starting to think I may be better off getting off it just so that I can find the real me again. I want to go and live my life, not sit at home crying constantly, there appears to be no end anytime soon. It's just not fair seeing everyone my age out having fun, I should be enjoying these years of my life too. I know my psych will disagree about coming off it but I just don't know what's best for me anymore.. 

I dont want to be numb anymore...

[Neil_1]

Hey Jessy

Just me back visiting again.  🙂   It was great to see Geoff chime in with his words of wisdom and advice;  that man is an encyclopedia of knowledge and information on this subject and it's always worth reading his posts twice so they really sink in.  I find I need to do this anyway, as my memory is a sieve.  Now, what was I talking about again?

Jessy, you're describing yourself as feeling of numb and being in a zombie like state.  I'm wondering if that is indeed your medications OR is it symptoms of depression?  I hear exactly what you're saying with regard to this because it's largely how I feel - just floating through life.  Though I'm different in that, I want to cry but for the most part, I cannot - whereas you're saying that you can.  I wish I could, and Jessy, being a non-crier, I reckon you should let the tears flow, because I feel it's like a therapeutic thing - letting some things out of your system.  Much better doing that, than bottling them up inside.

You're still seeking and striving for change and it stands out ... getting rid of the cannabis, coming here and posting (that's definitely positive), seeking out your psych (and yes, even increasing your meds to assist you at this current time - these are all positives).  Joining a gym and having a PT help you.  Yes, the body will complain to you for a while, but as you become atuned to it, your body will become fitter and stronger and be able to handle things that you wouldn't have thought possible a few months ago.  And having a PT there will be the motivation and assistance you need to help you through.  These physical sessions are a big bonus for you;  I know I rely on my gym sessions so much.

It was also great to read that your sister is helping you out as well.

Jessy these are all really brilliant positives and these are the things we need to try and dwell on and to continue to strive for.

My thoughts on your latest post though are to give these meds just a little while longer at this higher dose and then it might be worthwhile going to see your psych or your GP if you're still feeling these numb kinds of feelings.  I mean, it "might" be the meds or perhaps a combo of them and the depression, but yes, it might be worthwhile seeking out professional assistance with regard to seeing if reducing the level that you're taking "may" be beneficial.

I hope that you can keep on striving for success in trying to beat these symptoms and do hope that you can keep posting to let us know how you're going.

Kind regards

Neil