Recurring lying, about to break my marriage.

[EGB]

Hello,

I have searched high and low for a “lying support group” in Australia and this is the best thing I can find so I hope it helps me the way I want it to.

I have a problem with lying to my husband. I have looked into ways to stop and the first thing they all say is you need to find your ”trigger”

I have done this and know that my trigger is money. My husband is great with money, I am not. I have a tendency to rack up big things on the “buy now pay later” platforms and in the past have taken money from him or used the family card for unnecessary things without asking (this isn’t a regular thing but has happened more then once) I am a stay at home mum and because of how hard my husband works our yearly family income is high enough that we don’t qualify for Centrelink and all our family income comes from him working long hours 6 days a week.
I have been seeing a therapist for a few months now and she is querying me for possible ADHD however I don’t want to use that as an excuse, I just want to find a way to stop lying and be a better person and the wife my husband deserves. This is not how I want to be. He is such a selfless, soft, caring and trusting person and my lies are slowly breaking him down and making him question everything. It is hurting me so much to see and knowing that he is feeling that way because of my actions.

We have 3 children and have been together for almost 16 years, since I was 15 years old. I’m so scared I’m not going to be able to stop and I will lose my family. I want my husband to be happy and deserves so much better but I’m not ready to give up on my family. 😢

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

The suggestion of ADHD could be an accurate one and mental health issues are not excuses, they are reasons. ADHD is well known for creating spend thrift habits and it is something that needs treatment.

When you spend when you shouldnt it causes guilt and that guilt leads to lies. So treatment, therapy, counselling and methods you can introduce so you can share your desire to spend (honesty) is achievable. 

I recommend you visit your GP and ask to get an accurate diagnosis... very much a need to begin with. 

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi EGB

I think sometimes it can be hard to tell the truth because we don't know the entire truth our self. So, it becomes a matter of getting to the bottom of the things, so as to find the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Could it be true that your sense of wonder is so extreme that it leads you spend money you can't afford to spend? 'I wonder what it would be like to have this and that. I wonder if this or that will make me happier or lead me to become more excited in life. I miss feeling excited'. Could it involve wonder mixed with a great imagination, where you can easily imagine (see through your mind's eye) that thing you buy making all the difference? Could the truth be you don't want to be completely honest because you don't want to feel your husband's feelings of disappointment. Could it be that if you don't tell the truth out loud then you won't have to face emotions you don't want to feel? Could the truth be you don't want confrontation? Could it involve you not knowing how to gain highs out of things that cost nothing or next to nothing? Could there be a bit of research in finding stimulating ways to live without spending a lot? Could it involve spending to not feel depressed? Could it involve the need to develop skills in emotional self regulation? That one can definitely be a tough challenge, for sure. A lot of questions but if there's one thing I've found when it comes to any significant quest in life, there can be a lot of questions. A quest for the truth is no exception.

While it's easy for people to say to us 'Just stop the behaviour', it's not always as easy as just suddenly stopping. Can be hard to stop a behaviour that we're not entirely conscious of. Sometimes, when it comes to being honest, the best start is to admit the only truth we're conscious of, 'I don't know why I behave this way. I have no idea and I have no idea how to find out all the reasons'. I find it can make a huge difference when I surround my self with people who are prepared to wonder with me, this way I'm not left alone to wonder (which can actually become depressing in some cases). Finding people to wonder with us can be good for our mental health. I'm wondering whether researching 'Retail therapy' and the psychology and even physical chemistry behind it might be of some help when it comes to gaining a greater sense of self understanding. Could it involve an addiction? Not all addicts are honest (with themself or others). For example, as a gal who's an emotional eater, I tend to hide my purchases from the supermarket and feed my addiction when I'm alone.

I wish you only the best on your quest to find the truth. You've got this, you can do it. 🙂❤️