Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

NonbinaryDragon · ‎08-12-2021

Hello. Let's start this of with a bit of an introduction. My name is Quinn, my pronouns are they/them and I'm nonbinary, asexual and panromantic. At least I'm pretty sure that's all true. My family is pretty homophobic, especially my dad. When I first came out to him he basically waved it off as me just making stuff up to fit in with my new friends. We had just moved to where I know live and for the first time ever in my life I was going to a new school and my friend group was almost entirely LGBTQIA+. I had no idea about any of it so they had to teach me and I came to the above realisations. One of my other currant problems is that I'm beginning to question my religion. I'm I'm raised catholic and my parents are both very strongly catholic but I just don't fell very connected to it. I have been doing a bit of reaserch and I found like all that pagen witchcraft stuff and that looks really cool but I don't really know what to do, or how to tell my parents. My other problem is my extended family. We used to live with my mums parents when we first moved here but it's wasn't great. My grandfather started drinking again and he got really drunk most nights and got into fights with my dad. We eventualy moved out and not it's like my mum wants me to forget everything that he did and just be friends with him again, but every time I go over to visit he's always drunk and says stupid stuff. I just don't know what to do, and I have been feeling really sad most days and I think I might have depression but my dad said it can't be that because I still enjoy my hobbies. I just need some help and advice. Thanks in advance.

geoff · ‎09-12-2021

Hello Quinn, the replies back to you have been excellent and understand that the situation you're in seems to be very confusing.

Just because your parents are religious doesn't mean you have to go down that path once you are old enough to decide for yourself, you are free to make up your own mind, but if you are forced to abide by your parents, unwillingly, then you could become depressed, although I'm not a doctor to qualify.

This can also be extended to how you feel sexually and make you 'feel like they'll invalidate you and hurt you emotionally' and to forget about your grandfather being drunk and arguing with your dad, you can't just stop thinking about it as once again it's going to contravene against your parent's religious feelings, so there are many ideas that you question.

You are free to decide whatever you want to believe in.

Take care.

Geoff.

smallwolf · ‎09-12-2021

This may sound a little odd. I hope not.

You will find the tribe (of people) you belong to - whether that is related to how you see yourself or your beliefs. And I am sorry you do not seem to be able to find that in your home environment.

From a religious perspective, I have an understanding of where you are coming from my own upbringing. If you want to know more let me know. Except to say there should be nothing wrong with educating yourself. There is value to be found.

Yet you also said you had a bad day... do you want to chat about what happened?

NonbinaryDragon · ‎09-12-2021

Don't worry it doesn't sound odd, it's very nice talking to people. Yeah it wasn't wasn't great day. My dad had seen the news about Chile legalising homosexual marriage and went of a crazy hour long speech to me and my brother (don't know if I have mentioned my younger brother but he's like a carbon copy of my dad) about how it was sinful that we where letting the 'lefties' infiltrate the world and corrupt people with wokness. Yeah so that wasn't great. He does this a lot though.

Isabella_ · ‎10-12-2021

That's awful that you have to sit through these lectures with your dad.. It isn't right. How does it make you feel when you hear them? Does he tend to be aggressive to you and your brother while giving them?

I went to a Catholic high school, and it wasn't til then that I actually started realising that those beliefs didn't really resonate with me. I was also raised Christian. I've become content with not having anything next, and also the possibility of something next, but not necessarily as a God.

I think it's great that paganism intrigues you. You will find a lot of Christians will try to demonise you for it. My friends in high school were super into it.. And I think it's so cool to start to find your own beliefs, and find connections to other gods.

How do you feel about the fact that you aren't really close to a religion anymore? Do you think it's important for you to get your spirituality back, and is paganism the way to do that?

NonbinaryDragon · ‎12-12-2021

When he does these lectures it makes me feel like I don't exist. Like I have told him my opinions on these topics and what I identify as and he just brushes it off like it doesn't matter. And it doesn't help that during the lectures my brother makes a point to agreer with everything my dad says. I think it is important for me to have some sort of belief. Like I do belive that there is a higher power. I am conflicted about leaving Catholicism because it feels like I'm betraying my family. Like they put thousands of dollars to send me to a Catholic school and I feel like I'm wasting that if I convert. Oh and also because it's Sunday today my dads gonna make me watch this priest guy on YouTube for like 2 hours. Not looking forward to that.

smallwolf · ‎12-12-2021

What would be your reasons for leaving Catholicism?

A separate question... do you feel there is a check list of things to believe and do and you are then good enough?

Or can be you good enough just as you are?

Myself, I am Anglican, but if there is a check list then I would fail badly. This is also something I have spoken with my psychologist about as some of my beliefs differ from others. I also separate beliefs from institutions. If your beliefs are inline with your higher power - in terms of compassion, love, kindness etc, that is all that is required of you.

NonbinaryDragon · ‎14-12-2021

I have done a lot of reaserch into Catholicism and other religions and I'm not really sure how to describe it. Like it just didn't fit with me. I'm not really sure if it's a check list per say, I just don't want my parents to be disappointed in me. It's always been a big fear of mine.

smallwolf · ‎15-12-2021

it is perfectly natural to want your parents to be proud of (or not disappointed) in you.

I would also think at some point you also need to the happy in yourself or true to yourself. What you do or do not tell your parents is really up to you in this matter.

I also wonder if you see your parents as typical Catholics? That is, all Catholics have the same views.

Or is it possible for your views / beliefs to also be valid as a Catholic?

What do you see in the pagan beliefs which attract you?

I have too many questions. Sorry.

geoff · ‎15-12-2021

Hello NonbinaryDragon, even if for example you do believe in Catholicism there are different degrees of belief, such as, you don't want to go to church, against your father's wishes, then he's still going to be upset with you, everything you do shouldn't be planned about pleasing your parents necessarily, one day you'll have a family of your own and need to develop your own undertakings.

Geoff.

Isabella_ · ‎15-12-2021

Of course.. I think it's completely normal and understandable to feel a disconnect with Catholicism because it's being pushed on you so strongly and in a negative light. You don't have to have reasons for why you don't connect with it too.. If it doesn't than it doesn't and that's completely okay.

Fundamentally.. Catholicism teaches compassion, love, acceptance. From the sounds of it your father doesn't align with that based on how he is treating you.. Sometimes I like to think of religion as your own relationship with a God, it's no one else's business. People call themselves Catholics but don't actually possess the values.. They only focus on the "Don'ts".. The things they think are wrong and bad, without focusing on being good themselves.

It's hard because you don't want to disappoint them and you want them to accept you.. Religion and your faith is about you. It stems from love and connection, not force, hate, pressure.. Your dad is wrong for dismissing you and forcing you into something you don't align with without caring about your own beliefs.

Smallwolf has made a great point also.. I think it's understandable to seperate institutions from religion. A lot of parents send their kids to Catholic schools because private schools are at an advantage than state schools in some way.. I hope knowing that might help ease some of the guilt you're feeling.. You aren't wasting anything from them and it's not fair that you're having thoughts of that. They made a conscious choice to send you to the school they did, it's about your education at the end of the day.

If you were to tell your dad that you weren't interested in watching the priest on Sunday.. How do you think he would react? Have you thought of any ways that you could avoid having to sit through the lectures?