Lost in life

[Eddie6]

I recently moved from Perth, WA to Sydney in order to do an honours year here. The uni that I did my undergrad at was second tier and now I'm at Usyd for honours. 

I'm not originally from Perth. I grew up in America an am a dual citizen. I moved to Perth when I was 18, because its where most of my extended family lives. I was never happy growing up. My parents aren't particularly emotionally mature and my own emotional problems were often neglected by them, and ballooned as a result so that I felt depressed and anxious most of the time growing up.

I love my extended family in Perth, they are warm people and for the 5 years I lived there I felt relatively happy. However, I never really felt like I fit in, in Perth. Its not really a city, its more of a small town and people aren't interested in the world at large. It took me a long time to find friends there, and even though I have some friends in Perth, and also in America that I love dearly I never planned on living there long term. I decided to finish uni and get out.

So I did, and now I'm at a big prestigious institution for honours, and comparing this place to where I did my undergrad makes me feel like that degree is worthless, and I'm embarrassed by it and wish I'd transfered uni's and moved to Sydney sooner. I'm 24 and don't want to start an undergrad again because I'm graduating late anyways.

I feel anxious and depressed constantly, these days. I don't feel like I'm good enough, smart enough, or know enough to be where I am. I regret wasting 3 years of my life, and am depressed that I'm stuck working in a bar again at 24. I'm ready to move on and have a professional job. 

All these thoughts are making it hard to focus on honours, and I'm scared for how I'm going to do. I just want to drop out and get a masters and get into the workforce. But (and I know this is ridiculous) that would make me feel like a failure because both my parents have PhDs, and I think they look down on me an my brother a bit because we didn't go to good uni's like they did... 

I know that it was depression growing up that lead me to where I am now, and a lack of guidance. I feel lost. Like I've missed out on a lot of things I could have done with my life, and I'm exhausted from working so hard all the time. I am struggling to deal with feeling resentful that I didn't get more of a helping hand, or guidance to put me on the right path sooner. That I had so much more potential, and that was wasted on feeling depressed...

[Mares73]

Dear Eddie I'm so glad you have turned to Beyond Blue where you will receive support, suggestions & compassion. It sounds like you are a very high achiever with high self expectations-do you know that these type of personalities have been identified as at a high rate of depression. I too was a very high achiever with high self expectations, the first one in my family to go to Uni & a complete lack of guidance. You have great awareness of what you want to achieve and maybe this can be broken down into a smaller serious of goals that will still provide you with the outcome you want. Firstly have you seen a GP 0r Pyschologist? There is a list of recommended ones on this site who have received training by Beyond Blue & are therefore very informed about depression. Do you think you could see one? Ill check in later as I have to go but try hold on. There is hope & other members will have different ideas as well. Take care for now-Mares x

[Bell]

Hi Eddie,

It's good you've made the move to start getting better, may I ask what you are studying/what you have your degree in? I think you should be proud of finishing your degree regardless of what it is, regrets and "what if's" fester in your mind and make life a lot harder. Easier said than done I know but try and entertain some happy thoughts about yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back because you deserve it!

Personally I am at UNI too so I understand a little bit where your coming from. This year has been super hard to get motivated about the IT course I'm doing even though I went quite well last year and was confident when I was on break that I would slide straight back into it. I was so bad I couldn't even go the first week.
Speak to a GP and talk through some options with them. Speaking face to face with someone that isn't linked in your day to day life really helps and takes the weight off a bit.

Best wishes,
Bellamy

[Eddie6]

Thank you for the support. I'm studying ecology, and am very passionate about research. I really would like a job as a scientist, but I know they're hard to come by, especially long term positions doing something meaningful. Though, I recently found out there seems to be demand for foresters in government jobs. I think it would be something I'd enjoy. There seem to be some really good masters programs available in Australia that would include research, and perhaps lead to a PhD. Plus, hopefully it would mean being able to get involved with education and communities. 

Things are slowly getting better... all this self doubt really hit me out of the blue, and I'm finding all this change and uncertainty harder than I thought I would. The 'what if's' are really hard to deal with. I'm nearly out of my early 20's and didn't think I'd spend it the way I did. Mostly I'm frustrated because I feel like I missed out on getting a good education, and other opportunities because I stayed in Perth, and am feeling dumb compared to the people at my new uni... I went to see a psychologist at uni, and she's going to help me stop focusing on the past. 

[Bell]

Glad to help Eddie,

Wow that's interesting, you can really make a difference being an ecologist in the this crazy world where a lot of people are trying to destroy our earth instead of conserve and care. Maybe try and focus on getting out into the workforce? Is it another year for Honours? Could it be that UNI has taken it's toll after 3 years and you need a change of scenery? Sorry for the barrage of questions.
 
I think what Mares said about focusing on realistic short term goals is important too. I have just written out a 2 week plan for UNI and I'm going to keep it short so review's every 2 weeks will look very rewarding. You might have already started doing similar, as you have a couple more years at UNI under your belt than I, but I just thought I'd share.

Bell