I'm struggling with food these days

[Seachel]

I don't know why but lately I feel very very heavy, I feel full of fat and everything gross. I logically know you don't need to be skinny to be happy but I can't stop the feeling that I am fat, I hate myself everytime I eat except it's all I want to do, I'm constantly thinking about food and I have no control over myself once I get the thought in my head of eating something. 

I suffer from depression, anxiety and have very very low self esteem already, and I have also noticed lately that my current partner doesn't really have a healthy view on food. She also comments a lot about how she feels fat after eating and that if she knows she's going to eat a big meal for dinner or something she'll make herself do a heap of exercise before hand and she uses the excuse that it makes her 'hungrier' but I don't believe she thinks this way just because of other things she says after eating. She knows I don't have a very healthy view on food but she keeps saying things like 'oh I want to cry now after eating so much food' when she's around me.. I'm not blaming her at all because I have always had an issue with food but I believe this is making me worse. I don't know what to do anymore, I hate food and I hate having to eat but food is all I think about, it's like I'm relying on food to keep me happy of a day time because I have nothing else... I've tried to keep myself busy and distracted but nothing works.. I'm hating myself a lot more than usual lately. 

[JessF]

When I was a teenager I used to say that I wished it could be the future where all meals could be replaced with a pill. I hated food and I hated eating, and I was very thin. But I also went to school with a girl who had anorexia, and was severely unwell, so as much as I had my own issues with self esteem, the way I looked and my body, thankfully it never spilled over into too many serious issues with food.

I remember a few years after leaving school I was working in a shop and the girl who had anorexia came in and I was serving her at my counter. It took me a full minute to recognise her, she had completely recovered and filled out (she seriously was little more than skin and bones at school). We had a great catch up and I was so pleased to see her well, because I didn't think she would ever get better, so if I thought that I can only imagine what she thought.

I don't know how helpful this will be for you Seachel but I guess I wanted to tell that story to show that things can and do get better. Is there any way you can have a conversation with your partner about food and try and plan a way together to change your approach to eating and how you feel about food?  Have you ever tried Weight Watchers?  I suggest this because I have done it at different times, once with a friend, and I found that the system was very good at helping me think more about my eating habits but also get to a place where I could actually enjoy food, because for years I didn't.  I lived on takeaways because I didn't care about my body, myself or see food as anything more than something to shove in my mouth to keep me alive.

[Zeal]

Hi Seachel,

I'm sorry to hear about your issues around food- I have been through a difficult period because of food too. 

I started losing weight after going to see a naturopath in Jan 2012. He recommended I try to reduce or cut out gluten, dairy, and added sugars from my diet, to help improve my energy levels. When I went to this naturopath I was already slim. After a while on the 'diet', I felt like it was something I was doing well and could control. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder by my psychiatrist in May 2012. In late July 2012, a bed became available for me at Flinders Medical Centre, and my parents convinced me to take the offer. When I arrived I didn't feel I belonged, but soon realised that I was in fact ill. I was weighed on arrival, and deemed significantly underweight. I ended up staying there for 2 months.

I am now 21, and much healthier and happier. My weight is healthy and I have a much healthier relationship with food. Before getting Anorexia,l used to binge eat in Year 12 (2010) when I was stressed and trying to study at home, and especially before exams. However, I ended up losing a little weight rather than gaining, as I was very stressed. My skin broke out and I looked quite pale, and often had dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep.

Back to you now! I just want you to know that I understand how hard it can be living with constant anxiety around food- and how there is seemingly no way to escape the feelings. I would recommend trying to have regular and healthy sleeping patterns (no less than 6 or 7 hours sleep each night), and eat three regular meals a day, with snacks inbetween (depending on your weight, energy needs, lifestyle etc.) I have found reading to be a great outlet, and makes me feel better about myself, as I feel I am keeping my brain working. I recommend The Book Thief 🙂 Also, talking to a GP you trust and feel comfortable with is really helpful- they can give you some great tips and refer you to a recommended psychologist or other specialist if necessary. From personal experience, I would not recommend seeing a naturopath, as many just advise people to cut gluten and/or dairy from their diet, which can lead to unhealthy eating habits if someone already has anxiety around food. For other people who go for other medical conditions, they may be useful.

Try cooking different foods and meals from a healthy eating cookbook (e.g. Heart Foundation cookbook), and using seasonal produce from the market, if that is something you and your partner would enjoy doing.

Getting your depression and anxiety under control will also help with your anxiety around food. Your GP can help you with this. From personal experience I know that anxiety (in my case OCD) made my eating disorder worse, and was more influential in my low body weight than general body image issues. I wanted to control something, as I felt lost at uni, and have always found change hard. It was as if I wanted to preserve my body in a childlike state or something. I am now starting a new degree this year (Bachelor of Psychological Science), and feel relieved knowing what path I want to take in life. I want to be a child/adolescent psychologist, as I really want to help young people with their mental health.

Talking to your partner about how you feel is crucial. Try not to blame her, but explain that her comments affect you because you are sensitive and anxious around food. If she knows it makes you upset, she will probably make an effort to stop doing it.

Ultimately, you need to address why you dislike yourself and food, in order to get better. Personally, I have always had low self-esteem and been anxious, and also a little uncomfortable with change. Is there something in your life that is causing you significant mental anguish? If so, can you change this aspect of your life at all? If you are studying, make sure it's the right path for you, and that you aren't doing something to please others. If you are working, make sure you feel comfortable in your occupation and are being treated well.

Surround yourself with positive, friendly people. I have found having my parents around vital to recovery (I still live at home). I have become socially isolated from friends since my illness, but hope to meet new people this year at uni. Reach out to at least a few trusted people, and spend quality time with them. It's easy to get hung up on your own problems if you shut yourself away from others (which I did)-  and then you have lots of alone time to ruminate on things, and the thoughts can become overwhelming.

Finally, check your BMI on a trustworthy site (e.g. a govt health site). If you are in a healthy weight range, you can count yourself lucky 🙂  If you are either underweight or overweight, start making gradual changes. Some people recommend keeping a food diary or calorie counting, but I personally wouldn't recommend this if you are prone to anxiety (especially if you are a perfectionist or have OCD tendencies). Try to eat at regular intervals, and have a variety of fresh foods. I read somewhere that just 20 minutes of walking a day can be just as effective as taking antidepressants. If this rings true, then it's worth a shot! It doesn't have to be power walking- even just a stroll in the fresh air can make you feel better!

Also, I would recommend watching sitcoms and movies on a laptop, rather than watching regular TV, as there are constantly dieting ads! Also, rather than reading beauty and fashion magazines, read something unrelated to food and weight. Doing this can actually make a surprising difference- the media can make having a healthy body image quite difficult.

Good luck, and I hope my comments are somewhat useful. If not, then at least you know you are certainly not alone. Issues with eating are sadly becoming more and more common these days- I know more people than I'd want to admit who have eating disorders or body image issues. I hope you can overcome this difficult stage, and find things you love to do in life 🙂