I don't know why I hate my life . . .

[Goldenmoment]

Firstly, let's just get something out of the water. I have been to counselling and sought help, in fact I'm probably what you would consider on the road to recovery.

 But here's a quick introduction, I am a grade ten student, I work twenty hours a week, I play guitar (primarily fingerpicking solos), I am a A-grade student, I have what many would consider a good group of friends, and I have no problems getting up in front of a crowd and talking most of the time.

 I guess from the outside  my life is pretty good, and I'm not going to say that it's not. 

 Three days ago I got back from Japan, I cried when I left my host family there and I hope to one day visit them again. I came home a baby chicken (that I had no idea about) and to friends hugging me and people saying they missed me. 

 But less than twenty four hours later these feelings are simply back again, it's a mixture of depression, self-hate and overall dissatisfaction with life. 

And I really don't know why, because my life has been pretty lucky. 

 Honestly since getting back I have gotten a big urge to travel, part of me wants to simply back my bags and never come back. 

 I like to think I would't miss many people (which is for the most part true) 

 Even my closest friends can sometimes be taken back a bit by my bluntness and sometimes cold-heartedness. It's almost more a personality trait for me than a side-affect of depression, I have been a sad person since as far back as I can remember. 

 But I guess what I am trying to get at is, I have been depressed (sever enough to warrant treatment and concern) for the past the few months. Yet is has been a part of my life since as long back as I can remember. 

It just feels that I am a complete failure. 

Through the crying and tears of problems that I almost seem to make up and the friends that I tend to simply leave in the dust I'm not really sure where my problem stems from. 

I can't seem to find the reason for feeling like this.

And I apologise if the explanation about my life has been rather vague and ranty, this is just something I've wanted to get off of my chest. But I guess the question is.

 - Does anyone else feel this way?

- Is there anything I can do to help explain this to my friends?

- Do I really need a reason, or simply a solution? 

 Final note, three of my closest friends suffer from  fairly major depression. Maybe that contributes to it but I am not sure.

Any input is appreciated, at this point I don't mind

[geoff]

dear Goldenmoment, hello and nice to be able to talk with you and you sound as though you're a great chap.

Firstly can I say that there doesn't need to be any specific reason to get depression, however sometimes there is, never the less it's an illness which can strike anybody, no matter how well they seem to be going in life or how influential they are, because it's an illness with so many questions and very few answers.

Each country has different social values, different moral attitudes and the way they get on with life can be completely the opposite to how we live our life back home.

By feeling as though you are a failure is a strong prerequisite to feel negative and that's what depression wants you to feel.

You have to understand that when any of your mates know that you have depression they won't hang around, simply because 'it's in the hard basket', they have no idea of how to communicate with you, nor do they want to help you, they have other things to do, rather than talk to someone who is suffering from depression, and from experience you won't want to anything to do with them later on, because when a situation arises which you need help, they won't be there for you.

Can I ask you if your three mates have secluded themselves because of their depression and whether you want to talk to them about their and then your depression, by doing this could be beneficial for all of you.

I would suggest that you continue your counselling, and once again talk about it with your three mates.

Unfortunately no one can predict when you will be able to overcome your depression, because it comes and then it goes, but not in a simple way. Geoff.

[teacla]

Hi Goldenmoment, when I was reading your post I related to some parts of it quite a lot. I am also a grade 10 student who receives straight A's and who on the outside looks like they have a pretty good life. However, I have never been classified as being depressed or having depression/anxiety. 

 Recently, I have come to a point in my life where everything just seems to be crumbling down before me. Everyday I go to school, never taking a day off, and then I come home and study until the sun has gone down. I enjoy school immensely, and I have always had the idea of going to University to study a Bachelor of Advanced Science and then eventually, living a great life. That was always the plan, but now I just feel like a complete failure who is never going to be a top student and who won't have an amazing job.

I'm sorry if I am rambling on about my own life but I just wanted to know if this is how you feel?

In regards to you talking to your friends about this, I think it is a good idea. I have a good friend, she is the only person I trust and she always seems to find the right words to make me feel better. I don't think you need to tell all of you friends about what you are going through, maybe just one, that you trust and who you feel comfortable with. I suggest explaining to that person how you feel and how this is affecting your life. It may not bring an answer to you, but having it out there will bring you on the road to figuring out what it making you feel this way.

You seem like a great person and I can only hope for you to do well with your future and whatever decisions you make in regards to telling a friend how you feel.

Tegan 🙂

[Goldenmoment]

 To avoid spamming me overly posting I'll eliminated two messages in one post. Geoff, your post is much appreciated and offers some great advice. Walls of text (useful advice/information) actually make me feel quiet a bit better, thanks. 

 And in regards to my friends, before I opened up to them we weren't actually that close. Now I would consider us fairly open about our feelings, it's a small support network. And depression is a common topic between us. 

And I will continue to get help, in fact tomorrow if I have an appointment with a therapist. And I'm going to be able to talk about some of the progress I've made. 

 Teacla, 

I understand quiet a lot of what you're going through. I felt like that a few months ago, absolutely nothing was going right. But a lot of my social circle already know, people who are close are somewhat in denial of it. (which I am actually perfectly fine with, some of my friends don't think I can be depressed, and I understand them. Actually it's a little reassuring to know that I can be outgoing and happy enough around them to have them think that) 

 In my extended social circle no one really knows, with people that don't know me I'm just that really odd kid. I can be put down a bit, can you relate to that? 

Sometimes I want the people who put me down to actually know what happened and the way I feel, because honestly that would probably make it stop. The school I go to has a pretty good culture, depression is something that is not made fun of much. 

 We probably have the a lot of the same feelings, when I leave school I want to study a degree in engineering. 

 I would ask you a question, are you like me and a little bit afraid of the future and what you're going to become? Because that is something that worries me slightly sometimes.

[teacla]

Goldenmoment,

I can kind of relate to you in regards to being put down by your extended social group. Everybody just kind of thinks of me as a nerd, and the only reason some people will even talk to me is because they want the answers for their home work or help with assignments. This is probably not what happens to you but it still makes me feel even worse because of the fact that people only like me because I'm "smart".

I can honestly not express to you enough how much I relate to your last question. Sometimes I have break downs over the fact that all I have in my life is school and I've created this life of mine around school. I always tell friends and teachers about how I want to go to university and what I want to study and when I do so, I sound so confident, but really I'm not. I'm always scared of failing. Failing tests, failing at friendships, failing at life. To the point where I have started to have panic attacks about these things.

I've worked so hard at school to get these good grades to be able to leave school and go study what I want at Uni, but what if I just end up in some normal job, not having a successful that I dreamed of, all because of this pressure and hate that I have put on myself.

That was probably just really confusing to read, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm scared of failing now and I'm even more scared of failing in my future. I think I'm scared because I've built this world around me where the only thing that matters to me is school and people expect me to do these great things after I leave school, but I don't know if I can do that!

I have no idea if you can relate to this at all but I would love to know if you can.

Tegan.