Help with a Friend?

[Worriedboy]

Hi there,

I made friends with a group of girls who all go to the same school about 3-4 months ago now, and have slowly been incorporated into the group. These girls are all around 15-16 years of age, and I'm a 16 year old guy. They're nice, but all have a culture of low self esteem, self loathing, depression and self harm.

The girl who I would consider my best friend in the world, she has hurt herself before - scars on her arms and scars in the shape of words like: "loser" and "fat" on her legs - and consistently is feeling bad/down about something. She constantly misses days off school, her parents are divorced and her mother isn't very assistive or kind. She isn't the smartest around, and doesn't have a good history with schoolwork or academia. The sort of things she talks about are generally why schoolwork is getting her down, whether her "friends" will talk to her, etc. She hasn't hurt herself for a while now (2-3 months) but still talks about it....
I was wondering what I can do to encourage her out of her rut, and get her self-esteem and self-belief up. She's an amazing person, I know it, but she can't see it. All she ever says about herself is that she is "so ugly" and "stupid" and is almost permanently sorry for something.

Any advice would be useful... I am stuck and yeah 🙂
Thanks!

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Worriedboy,

You're not a worried boy.  You're a worried man.  Great insight and maturity.

Sometimes when you feel responsible for someone you can just be there for them.  Cos there's probably no quick solution.   Whether you hang out at school or other places it's the same deal - you just like the friendships.   When you're 16, with life beckoning and parents still making you packed lunches that you throw in the bin or feed the ducks with on the way to school, you can see things for all their wonderment and salaciousness.    I love you sentence regarding this girls mum: "isn't very assertive or kind".  Kind of the whole spectrum there.

I've been in psych hospital a lot for bipolar and the one thing I always notice is how the patients that self harm ALWAYS show you what they did, how they did it, why they did it, when they are hoping to do it again, whether they will told off by the doctors for doing it and, finally, with a little shrug, say "it's my body anyway" and then skip off down the corridor to the next Show and Tell patient session.  No kidding.  Those marks become a badge of honour and, like depression, might be their only way of coping at the moment.

Keep communicating and think up some conversation starters, i.e.

"Next time you want to hurt yourself give me a call".  "If you really want to do some damage to yourself let's listen to old Cliff Richard albums from the 70's, eat Chinese food with out toes and walk my dog not 1km but 2kms".   "Did you ever read that Hans Christian Anderson story about how the ugly ducking turned into a beautiful white swan ?".    "Those fashion mags are written for effect - who cares whose wearing the latest ankle gum boots with plastic spats so that when you're walking in the rain you can pretend to be dancing with Gene Kelly in that little number Singing in the Rain ?  Plus they had to put milk in the rain to make it show up on Technicolour".  "You should, like, seriously wear red underwear when you take your exams - in Spain, they reckon this brings people luck.  Dead serious."   Is your brain displaced ?   Have you found the therapeutic tangent ?

If it gets more serious there's always the school counsellor, the GP and the Fish 'n' Chip shop with the Greek lady that says "Worried boy !  You brought a friend. Beautiful.  You sit down I make your favourite for you.  Fisha and Chipas".

Worried boys might connect better by being Calm companions.  The deep psychological issue would be that, if you were sick one day, you might want a concerned colleague to look out for you too.  Just saying.  Love you work.

Adios, David.

PS  I have kids 18, 20 & 21 and a border collie aged 7.  I like Kit Kats.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Worried Boy,

On a lighter vein:

Worried Boy + Worried Girl = Worried Parents.

Adios, David.