Feeling alone but have everything...

[Lil_Britz]

I'm only 21 so most people thing I'm too young to have real issues, but little do people know that I grew up with an alcoholic mum who died at the age of 32, my step mum hates me....my mother in law tells me how ugly I am and dad speaks to me only when I call him. I have a perfect boyfriend whom I bought a home with a year ago. He is everything to me and yet I'm still not happy....I still need to tell myself everyday that I'm happy and I should be happy. I'm young and happy... Right? No I'm not I'm lonely because he is the only one who cares about me out of so many people that could. What did I ever do wrong to deserve this really? I don't have anybody else to tell but all of you. How sad am I.

[TristanM]

Hi Lil Britz,

Firstly there is no such thing as "too young to have real issues", mental illness can strike at any age (though for complicated reasons, doctors are very reluctant to diagnose anyone younger than around 12). Have you tried different forms of therapy, such as CBT, or seeing a mental health professional? From the short story you've given, it reminds me of myself when I first started to experience depression - looking from the outside in, there appear to be sufficient reasons for you to be happy, but you do not feel that way, and feel a real disconnection with the world. Have you discussed this with your boyfriend?

What kind of hobbies do you have? Is there something you can go to, even if it is for as little as 5 minutes a day, to give you some small joy, and put you on a stepping stone towards improving things? Depending where you are located, there may also be organisations that can help out - such as BeyondBlue, with their youth initiative, headspace (who focus on young people) and others.

You're never alone when you have many many people on here that will be very happy to talk to you about anything you like.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Der Lil Britz,

I am a bit confused:

"my mother in law tells me how ugly I am"   Don't you mean "my step mum tell me how ugly I am" as you're not married (you only mention a boyfriend) ?  But then you say "mother in law", I say "step mum", let's call the whole thing off (as the song goes - for anyone living before 1960 !).

Why try and control your step mum ?   Because she can't control you.    Inside your beating heart you have made a great connection with your boyfriend.   Do you think your step mum is jealous and attempting to sabotage your happyness ?  A lot of step mums and mother in laws resort to these tactics just to control the family or create some attention for themselves.  I'm sure men do it too but you only mention your female friction.

There have been many, many, many, many similar posts on Beyond blue - even with the "dad speaks to me only when I call him" tag.   One day you'll be free of all this.    It's good to be sad.  Better than harming yourself.   But you could also be sad for your step mum who is trying to manipulate you.   What a threat you are to her !  Young, beautiful, known your dad much longer, hunky spunk of a boyfriend, wow, you are like a quadruple threat to an unbalanced step mum.

But this doesn't mean you have to become a threat to yourself.  I read through Tristan M's reply and it's very helpful.    The most amazing things happen when you put away the fighting with your step mother and give her some girl time.  I know, you're already reaching for the bucket, but she's seems more vulnerable and needy than you.   It's just she wants to protect her relationship with your dad !   By showing a bit of compassion for this seemingly immovable lady in your life you would be acknowledging her and all her (self imposed) wonderfulness.

Basically, you don't have to use your step mum as a role model !  But she is part of your life.   At the moment she is a bit like Gollum from Lord of the Rings - treating your dad as "my precious" and killing everyone in the way.  Sadly, at the moment, your self esteem has taken a hit.  But bounce back - you're worth it.

"Are you that insecure about your marriage to my dad that you must continually put me down and call me ugly ?"  is a good sentence to slip in when passing the sauce.  Or  "You know, we should dinner sometime - at the Steak House" (hint, hint).     Now you know her game you could actually have a lot of fun.

You can allow yourself to be happy.   This is 100% your bag, not the old bag.  Sorry, it's late and I've missed out on the pizza cos I was sleeping.   My brain will always find the humour - that's my self defense.  At the end of the day (which it is in 7 mins of posting) you will thank your step mum for the pre mother in law training course.   A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.  Go find that boyfriend and tell him you have found the Weapon of Mass Destruction.  Ha !   Oh - that's mean.

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear Lil Britz, I hope that you are still there, I know it's been 5 days.

David Charles makes an excellent point ' It's good to be sad', although when we are sad it feels terrible.

Compare this to having no money and then you win lotto, you then appreciate the value of having money, so when we are sad hell it feels so good to be happy, we then learn the value of being happy.

Stuff your step mum, you are 21, wouldn't it be great to be 21 again, with all our past history and knowledge and the good in our brain and all the bad dragging the chain.

You can try and tell yourself that you should be happy, but that's pointless, it won't because joy comes from actual events, you can pretend to be, but that's what we call a fake happiness.

You have trusted us in telling your story, as you say ' anybody else to tell but all of you', so we are privileged.

It seems as though your father only talks to you when you call him, that's the step mum dominance over him, she wants to break the connection so that she has only your dad, she wants to break the tie.

You can let her do this but it won't stop asking your dad over to your house, and asking that she is not welcome.

This will create a bit of conflict at first, but those are the rules dad, it's up to you, I want you to come and see what we have done to our house. L Geoff. x

[Lil_Britz]

Thankyou all soo much for replying it means so much. I have started to run on mondays to releive the stress I guess its not helping. In responce to my step mum..I can handle her. I vant handle my mother in law...aka boyfriends mum. She effects my perfect relaitionship, thats where my world crashes.  It makes me feel asif  I dont deserve I great relaitionship with any mother figure in my life. Then I think I wish my dad was around more since my mum isnt. I have talked to my boyfriend about all of this and he helps with his mum but nothing ever seems to get better...I cant stand up for myself anymore. Nobody stands up for me and thats why I feel alone.