Feeling like a social outcast at school

[Liam007]

Hi All,

 This is my first post here and I'm fairly new to this forum.

I apologise if this story is long, I need to list everything

My name is Liam and I'm a 17 year old high school student, I'm in Year 12 at the time of writing this post.

I have the problem of not seeing the good in my self, I basically feel like a failure. I was always the quiet kid at school (this was back in 2010) I tried to fix this in 2011 but it didn't go well so in 2012 and 2013 I was in TOTAL FEAR of speaking up or introducing myself to anyone. I used to love creative arts but didn't want to share them out of fear I would be laughed at.

In 2014, I felt I finally started gaining confidence. I was getting good marks from my teachers and felt I was making legit friends but then....

 I was walking out to lunch one day and one of the groups was sitting in one of the classrooms (they were doing rehearsals for something, can't recall) but anyway I actually overheard them and they were basically saying "I was a weirdo" They were lying to me and only pretending to like me.

Since then my confidence and self esteem JUST CRASHED. I ended up saying really cruel things about myself:

"I hate myself", "I could not show up and no one would give a crap!" "I'm a worthless failure"

and just never believing ANYTHING nice, good and kind anyone had to say about me.  I basically started to feel my reports were all just lies and the teachers were just exaggerating their good comments.

 Which now brings me to this forum, I now feel lost and have no idea where to go from here.

Is there anything I can do to ease up on myself? Should I ease up?

Thank you, Liam

[NicoleP]

Hi Liam

Thought  I'd move over to this thread so you are not having to go between two. 

I am pleased you have been to the doctor. Bullying is such a terrible thing and it is not at all surprising hat you are feeling the way you are. While you might be thinking you are invisible, someone has noticed you and cared enough and taken action. Others have probably noticed to but have not taken action cos they are scared of the bully. There is lots of interesting information out there on bullying. I too have been a target.

As for the play, I can understand your disappointment.  With everything that has been going on, you have made a decision that is best for you. So while it was disappointing, it is good that you have put your well being first.

KezzaA

[Liam007]

Hey Kezzaa,

I'm scared I've made the people at the play angry, it opens on Saturday but I feel like sticking with it would have been a disaster. I just couldn't do it, I almost worried and starting to suspect that the dream of acting....isn't meant to be. I loved it at the start of this year when I was confident and willing to try new things and make myself heard but after this...probably is not the best thing to do. The school play is in December, I'll stick with that as it is a little more relaxed but I don't feel like I'll be all good and fixed by December, I hate saying that but I don't think I should try to rush with fixing the problem.  I should take my time, It's a slow fix but it's a fix nonetheless.

The kid with the

bullies said that the bullies had harassed him in the past and he hated seeing them go after another person. Me and him talk a little but not much.

Also the teachers are talking about me sitting the HSC next year! I'm really nervous about that. Again, start of this year super confident and strongly believed in seeing myself in a University....can't see that at the moment. I'm finding it hard to focus on my studies at the moment. I sit in the class shaking.

I'm going to run out of words for my word allowance so I finish up with two things.

1. Hope you enjoy Melbourne, please post when you arrive back so I can keep in touch, it really helps me a lot kezzaa 🙂
2. Secondly, no matter how upset I sound with all this, I never have and will never consider hurting myself or

taking my own life.

Thanks, Liam. Still reading and grateful for your posts

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Doolhof]

Dear Liam,

Hello there young man. Growing up can be tough enough, let alone having other battles to fight, like bullies and self esteem issues.

I'm pleased you went to the Dr and have had a chat, now you know you don't need medication, you can move on from there. We here at Beyond Blue are all on your side and will be here to "chat" with when you need to communicate with someone, along with other people out there to help and support you.

Hopefully you will be able to enjoy the school play and make the most of the experience there. It sounds like leaving the other play was the right thing, as Kezza mentioned. You have enough on your plate right now.

Please don't give up the dream of acting in the future. You are having a tough time at the moment. Once you leave school your attitude to life and people will change. When you are away from the bullies and the negative feelings and emotions you have when thinking about the school right now, you will have more confidence. Acting can still be a part of your life in the future.

It is great someone reported the bully. Hopefully it will make a difference to you, knowing someone cares enough to do so, and knowing the bully has been reported so the school is more aware of what is happening.

Can you ask your parents if you can get away for a weekend together or with someone. Do something totally different. Have a heap of fun, laugh, play, do what ever to release some of the tension and stress you are feeling.

It helps me to get away for a weekend. It might help you as well.

Hang in there Liam. You are a very much thought of and cared for, from Mrs. Dools

[NicoleP]

Hey Liam,

How are things going? Sorry that I haven't been on this forum very much lately. I had the conference Monday and Tuesday and then returned to work after 7 weeks off due to surgery. Am very tired at the end of each day.

Kezza

[Liam007]

Hi Kezza,

Things are hanging in there at the moment.

I'm finding that my school play is much more enjoyable. So I don't think I will quit on acting just yet, probably just not the time to do so.

I'm still chatting with people online and writing emails it's helping a great deal. So things are actually okay except...

School is still poor but that's not something that's going change quickly. I still feel nervous and like I'm hiding myself from everyone, I heard my reports are coming out next week. Because I was so scared of being humiliated or embarrassing myself I kind of sat of class activities, I found myself terrified. Two examples. First my drama class, I avoided playing the Drama games and Entertainment, I sat in the corner just typing stuff instead of being up and involved. I was not doing it to be lazy or just go with the attitude "stuff school" but I found myself lost and nervous. I do Visual Arts as a subject and they are talking about showing our art to the public, I find that in the past I would love to share my art with everyone...now I don't even want to bother. I used to love clay sculpting but someone vandalized one of them. I'm doing the work or at least what is given to me, I'm not doing it to be lazy I just found myself scared and lost track. If it is bad I will improve....but I feel like I just ain't exactly a genius or someone who stands out as an excellent student. It's been bothering me repeatedly

 So in conclusion, things are picking up a little but school is still very much poor at the moment.

I hope work goes okay for you epically after your surgery

Thanks, Liam

[Liam007]

I would also like to add that my school report at the start of this was actually pretty positive, but again due to being a bad place I questioned it...yep.

 I got a comment that said "He contributes well to class discussions and I applaud his enthusiasm". I seriously felt like I didn't really speak up that much or even talk with that teacher much at all. I felt like it was exaggerated. I don't know why. I keep getting told I'm "enthusiastic" but I seriously question it. Is that really one of the most valuable things a person can have?

[Doolhof]

Hi Liam,

Regarding ENTHUSIASTIC, to me that is a very positive word. For me it means you are willing to look at all that is available to you, and not be stuck in one place.

It means you are interested, eager to learn something new, keen to try, to show passion in what you are doing, you are curious, attentive and you have the desire to make the most of your opportunities.

That is certainly a lot better than being UNENTHUSIASTIC which to me relates to being unresponsive, bored, uninterested, apathetic, unfeeling and so many other "UN" words.

I would be happy with Enthusiastic myself.

From Mrs. Dools

[NicoleP]

Hi Liam

I am a teacher and I would like to think that I know my students. When I write a report I look at the whole person and what they have accomplished over the semester. It is quite likely that your teachers have noticed a change in you and are most likely concerned. If they haven't been told what is wrong (and most likely they haven't cos of confidentiality) do you think that it would be helpful if they wrote about only the last little while and wrote negative things? They have most likely watched you over time and have noticed a change? Like me, the little voice inside your head is telling you lots of negative stuff - so when a teacher writes something positive your little voice disputes it (just love that little voice).

Just a different way of looking at it. Pleased to hear that you are sticking with the school play

Kezza

[Liam007]

Hi Kezzaa,

I find that the problem is that I'm constantly anxious about how others view me. I feel like I come across as unlikeble and just difficult to offer sympathy to. I had people who told me they were my true friend then would say things like "The rest of world doesn't care about you or what you do". I felt like that was terrible advice, so I didn't speak them... it sounds like I'm getting off topic but I'm worried about how EVERYONE views me. From teachers to cashiers at food shops to people at school.

I feel like when I talk or ask for something I come across as a pain in the butt. I was desperate to try and impress a teacher at my school. I feel like I've annoyed him to the point where he views me as a bad student who is constantly disrupting people. Which then leads to me basically saying nothing, the reports were written last week about stuff that happened before then so I see how it goes. I feel like I just hide myself from the world, I feel like I could stop going there and no one would miss me or even noticed I went away. I'm told that school is obiviously not the place where I stand out and shine. But everyone else there has earned praise from the teachers and community. I've never done anything to stand out as "an amazing student".

I'm sorry if I got off topic with my reply there, but it was something that's been bothering me repeatdly. If you want to me to explain anything further I'm more than willing to. I'm starting to get lost with how to get this all out there, I need to get my story down soon before I go to headspace.

Thanks, Liam

[NicoleP]

Hi Liam,

Being anxious about the way people view you is a perfectly normal thing. I do it all the time. Funny though, I tell the kids at school to just worry about themselves cos there is always going to be someone sportier, smarter, prettier, funnier etc than themselves (self acceptance). I have been reading a book called The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris (you can find him on youtube). He talks about the origins of this phenomena of comparing ourselves. He talks about how in caveman times, people had to be one of the pack in order to survive. Animals need to hang around in groups for protection - it is basically when one is ousted from the group that they ended up getting eaten by lions. It was therefore very important to remain in the group. While times have changed and we don't have to worry about being eaten by lions, our minds have not evolved from that thought pattern. I thought that was interesting cos it normalises the comparing.

You mentioned headspace. Anything definite happening?

Liam - I enjoy our little chats 🙂

Kezza