Experiencing depression but loved ones don't understand!

[Lilstudent]

Hello,

i read through the forum for a couple of hours trying to find any similar posts as I am needing some help. 

I can feel myself slipping back into depression again, I have struggled with it most of my life (through parents divorce at 12, the hsc, and then every couple of years after that). I just begin to feel really down and upset about everything in my life, work, relationships, my body, and most of all when depression hits I struggle with sleep which makes me feel worse. 

 currently my job is really stressing me out, I run my own business baking and I am stressed about how I will manage to do so much over the next 2 months to Christmas. I tell myself working 7 days isn't why I left my full time job and ask myself constantly am I enjoying it, and then my internal response usually is just 'it's the fear talking you are just scared of succeeding' but sometimes I do wonder did I do this just to get out of what was a toxic work environment before. Sorry if that was confusing I'm not the more clear storyteller.

 so that is my biggest stress, and when I start to get really upset and depressed my partner of 6 years doesn't know how to deal with me. He doesn't comfort me when I cry unless I am hysterical, even then it is a pat on the arm and he always says 'settle down' which makes me feel like crap. He doesn't want to be around me when I am depressed and doesn't know what to do when I feel like this which to be honest takes me from feeling 4/10 to 1/10. I am not blaming him and it's not his fault, but I need better support from him and I don't know how to get it.

from there the vicious mind-f that my brain always goes into when I'm depressed is 'why are you with someone who can't get you through your highs & your lows' and I know it's just me being stupid, I love him so dearly. And then I start to feel even worse because I remind myself that every time I am hysterical like this it puts him off marrying me a bit more, it's something we talked about a bit early on and then it just dragged out from years 3-5 as constantly 'I'm not ready' and if I ever bring it up he will feel the sex hasn't been great lately or we have just had a smal fight. 

 so basically that's where I'm at, I need more support from him and I don't know how to get him to be there for me in a different way to how he is now. Thanks 

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Lilstudent,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out.

It feels like there are a few different things going on for you and I'm sorry that you're feeling this way.  Have you been talking with your GP or a psychologist about what's going on for you?

One thing I think is important to mention is that our inner voice (or internal response as you mentioned) is not always right.  Sometimes I think of it as a 'monkey mind', because it jumps to conclusions and doesn't always see everything clearly or logically.  If you aren't happy at work, then that's okay.  Sometimes fear can be motivational - like when we want to 'face everything and rise', but the best and most important thing is to clarify what's bothering you and what's getting you down.  Is it feeling overwhelmed at the Christmas orders?  Is that something that you can plan ahead for?

You also mentioned that your partner doesn't know how to comfort you.  I agree that our loved ones should get us through our highs and our lows, but I don't think they automatically know how to do this.  Sometimes, we need to communicate what we need.

Have you tried talking to your partner about what you need?  I felt silly when I did this to mine, but it's helped me immensely.  Sometimes it can be as simple as "I want you to just hug me when I cry", or "I want you to put the phone away, look at me, and listen while I tell you about my day."  Different people need different types of responses, and that's totally okay.  It doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't meant to be together.

I hope this helps a little.

Take care,

[Paul]

Hey Lilstudent,

There are some great materials on the site designed for partners and carers of people who have depression. In the menus below, theres "For me" and below that is "Friends and family".

Have a browse through and see if any of it is helpful to facilitate a chat with your partner or even for you to ask your partner to read fully.

Take care,

Drop by and keep us updated on how you're going.

Paul

[Lilstudent]

Hi Romantic Thief,

 thank you so much for your encouraging words! 🙂 I went to see my Gp today and am waiting to get in to see a counsellor. As I've felt this was before I don't want it to get any worse.

 i have mentioned to my partner before that I need him to be more supportive, with hugs etc, but I think it's hard for him. I am going to have a look at some of the reading material as suggested to send to him to have a look at. Thanks and hope you are feeling well too!