Destructive effects of depression and dependency

[OTgirl]

Beyond Blue claim that the most common reasons for a person developing depression are: Loneliness (tick), Bullying (tick), Low self esteem(tick), and many more. Although many things have caused me to develop this mental illness, the effects of it have been far more destructive. Despite the constant suicidal thoughts and the constant self harm that has been going on for a large portion of my life, the most heart breaking thing to come of my life is the damage that has been done to my boyfriend's heart, mind and soul. We began our relationship in May 2012, and although I had already been experiencing the signs of depression, he made me feel liberate of the loneliness and pain, until then I began to act so free that I did not control how I acted towards him and how my actions affected him. For 2 years I constantly invaded his life with my issues, my problems, and made his life non-existent of his hobbies, his passions and his interests. Being diagnosed with Dysthmia made me have more of an excuse to allow my behaviour to be acceptable. As time went on, I developed an obsession with the attention that he gave me, that I did not experience at home with my family. I forced him to put his life on hold as he was constantly worrying about my state of mind, but most of all, my safety and wellbeing. By the time I realised my effect on him, it was too late. I had caused him to start failing his uni course subjects and not experience freedom from negativity for months on end. After one night of me calling him at midnight due to my breakdowns, we had to let each other go. We are currently on a break which will last about 3 and a half months (until his uni semester is over). We are not allowed to text and we can only meet up once a week for dinner. It has only been a week but it has been excruciating for me. This dependency that I have developed for him has taken over my life and I am feeling anxious, distraught and alone. Despite the amazing support my parents provide, I feel it is insufficient because I need the feeling of someone who is inlove with me, not just loves me. It has caused me to over think and led to me wondering: Will this time without me cause him to realise he doesn't need me? How does he expect us to just go back to normal once uni semester is over? How am I suppose to act like I'm okay when in order for me to be okay I need to be with him? 

How do you let someone you love go to allow them to heal and find them self again and enable yourself to heal?

[Neil_1]

Dear OTgirl

Firstly welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your post.

Oh wow, what a journey you've had over the last couple of years (and indeed, your bf has too).

What an amazing thing you've both decided to do of late in order for your bf to get through his uni studies.  I couldn't imagine how hard this would be for you - but your one word of "excruciating" to me sums it up.

At your dinner, are you allowed to discuss things like the future and being back together again?  Does he know how you're thinking at this stage?

It's also very wonderful that your parents are on board with this - as I've read so many times on this site where someone who is suffering doesn't get support of parents, so this is a huge bonus and benefit for you.  Incidentally, that's the kind of support that we all would hope to receive from our parents.

May I ask have you sought out professional help (ie:  GP or counselling) and also are you on any anti-depressants?  I'm just thinking that could be very beneficial to you is to find an alternative outlet for you to discuss your issues, etc with.

Now I'm thinking of two things here:   on here you'd be most welcome to share and we can provide you with our own "lived and learned" advice, but also I think possibly of more benefit would be to seek out professional counselling of which your GP could obtain a referral for you.

I do hope you can get back to us and thank you again for posting your thread.

Kind regards

Neil

[AGrace]

Hi OTgirl,

Welcome to the forums. It's great that you've reached out to an online community as a first step to start building other supports than just your family and partner.

I actually went to a groups today on peer support. Until going I've always considered this concept of Peer Support as something generic, like having someone like a friend to support you. Within the group we actually explored the idea of a peer, and also the way we define support. What I recognised in short was that peer support is there to fill in the gaps that your other relationships don't fulfil. If you think about family and partners they tend to know us intimately, and they also have knowledge of our history. Peers are independent of this history and they tend to have a common interest to you making them more relatable.

As an example, these forums provide peer support. It might also be worthwhile exploring where else you can get your demands for support met. I guess in a way, by you and your partner taking this break, it's the perfect opportunity to establish such networks. Neil has suggested seeking the support of a professional if/when you see a counsellor/Psychologist/Psychiatrist then it might be worthwhile asking whether there are support groups available for you or group therapies (like outpatients programs) that you could attend.

Do you also have a group of friends that you socialise with? If so, great. Use some of this time to really develop those relationships, and find out what sort of support they can provide you. If not, why not start to give some thought to some of your interests. Perhaps you enjoy knitting, drawing, reading, swimming, music etc. Take a look at what groups are available through your local community centre. Often these are free or inexpensive, and give you a chance to meet people with a shared passion.

I completely understand that it's hurtful to have to be without your partner who you have felt relatively dependent on for some time. This will get a bit easier over the coming weeks. Your partner also hasn't mentioned that he's wanting to end your relationship, only to focus on his studies for this time. In doing this he's giving you space and time to work out how you can co exist and not be so dependent on him that it becomes unhealthy. Have you considered study? Are you working at the moment? This time apart will go by quickly if your days are filled rather than empty.

I hope this is useful. Happy to chat more.

AGrace