Barely staying afloat

elfinorange · ‎01-09-2014

I have been doing great for the past few years. Then I found out that someone I knew from high school was on MH17.

I was never particularly close to him, I don't know if I could even call him a friend - but we smiled at each other when passing by, and occasionally share jokes with mutual friends were around. He was so kind. The student environment in that school was awful, and when you're the social pariah you tend to greatly appreciate every kindness. But ever since I accidentally caught the graphic pictures of the scene on the news, I can't help but picture what it must have been like, over and over again, his body, maybe parts of, falling through the sky and scattering in the most horrific manner. He was so young too, younger than me, and the realisation that life can end so abruptly was shattering.

I've since developed a fear of being in close proximity to speeding objects somewhat. I have to be at least 2m away from the train platform and I have to hold on to the traffic light pole at crossings, just in case I might accidentally walk into it. I just realised this today, and it made me feel so much more pathetic.

My parents were open to me about financial matters at what I now think was maybe a too-young age; now that I'm studying in this country, my parents paying three times as much as the local tuition fees, I can't even think about the postgraduate they are telling me to take. My siblings don't seem as privy, and I nearly cried when one of them wasted an unthinkable amount of non-refundable money.

My parents don't even know about the one person who is so selflessly and unconditionally helping me through this. Such a beautiful man, and I owe him so, so much, but he isn't the correct religion for someone they can accept my spending the rest of my life with. I wish I could introduce him to them, I wish they could see just how wonderful a human being he is, helping me through the stress-induced, extremely vivid nightmares I have often now, and through the realer ones, without a single thought.

Maybe worst of all, I don't feel like my feelings are justified, and I feel guilty for being so self-centred about it. I will never consider suicide, because to me that is the most self-centred action of all. But it's horrible. And it hurts so much. I'm sinking into familiar murky waters, but now it feels much more like quicksand. In the past two times, the days never ended, but now the world is spinning too fast and I can't keep up. I feel so hopeless.

Neil_1 · ‎02-09-2014

Dear elfinorange

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post. Also I'm intrigued by your name - very interesting. 🙂 🙂

Can I please try to ease your feelings of the way you're thinking about yourself in the first instance. You say you feel hopeless and you feel guilty for being so self-centred. From all that you've written, I didn't think for one moment of you being hopeless or self-centred. From what you've written, you come over as being a very caring, loyal and intelligent young person. Someone with strong values and a great sense of right and wrong. Very very fine qualities. 🙂

Though I can't comment really about this man who's very much in your life and helping you out with regard to him not being of the correct religion, I believe for your parents liking - may I say that you should do everything you can to stick with this man. Just reading through that paragraph where you described him and all he does for you - that was so wonderful and it seems that the two of you have a real bond and a lovely relationship.

Oh oh, and earlier you referred to yourself as pathetic. Another word to strike off your list of words being attached to you. No way elfinorange are you pathetic. You were affected very deeply by the tragedy that occured recently and things like this have a very real way of entering our bodies, our thoughts, our minds and causing us to act in certain ways. This is what has happened to you - and I feel you are very justified in the ways you've described.

I don't know if you've thought about this, but have you possibly thought about seeking out some professional assistance with how you're feeling. As it does seem like there's a few issues that could be well worth talking about with a professional. (eg: a GP or counsellor).

Just a suggestion - and I do hope you can get back to us soon.

Kind regards

Neil

AGrace · ‎02-09-2014

Hi elfinorange,

I have to say, the lovely Neil has given you some really sound advice.

I'd like to second the idea that your thoughts and behaviours are no where near pathetic, hopeless, or selfish, nor should you feel guilty for feeling the way you do, or receiving the lifestyle your parents have decided to provide you.

It sounds like you're receiving a great deal of support from this man you refer to. Are you in a relationship, or is it a friendship? Does he know your parents beliefs? I'm wondering whether your beliefs are the same as your parents? It's important to consider what your beliefs and values and morals are. Then make the choice to live by these. You cannot be ONLY who your parents want you to be. One day you will have your own family and your parents wishes will no longer matter.

I agree in getting some professional advice. You have shared with your peers a terrible loss. It has confused your outlook on life and death, and it's causing you emotional distress. It's definitely worth talking through with a therapist. Seeing your GP would be a good place to start. You may also like to speak with your student counsellor, as they too can give you some guidance.

Hope to hear back from you.

AGrace

AGrace · ‎02-09-2014