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The constant grind.
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Hi Beaser,
I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through a rough patch with your relationship at the moment. Please correct me if I'm wrong, it sounds like your partner has some trust issues of her own from her troubled past, and whenever you approach her to try and give her support, she pushes you away and not wanting to open up to you/talk to you about it? It may be that she feels she doesn't want to burden you with her troubles, and just wants to isolate to deal with her problems herself. But by isolating, your needs in a relationship aren't met, which causes you to feel confused and questioning whether there is still a relationship between you two?
Happy to listen to you more Beaser
Jt
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Hi Beaser,
Thank you for confirming, you definitely have given it your best thus far, as you care for her and want her to feel better soon so the both of you may return to your relationship once more. It can be difficult to understand what your partner is going through, and her actions may make the situation more awkward for you to approach and help her.
Her mental health issues may be forcing her to feel alone, but her fear for opening up to others may be because she fears that no one will understand her if she does, and it will only lead to more rejections/misunderstandings if she does try to express how she feels. Sometimes, all a person wants is for someone to listen and acknowledge what they're going through. Make them feel like they belong in this world, validate their feelings and the person who they are rather than what society wants them to be. You may try approaching her gently, and reassuring her that you're here for her, hear to listen to whatever she'd like to say to you, and validate her feelings. They may not open up immediately, so this will require some patience.
Has your partner had a mental health plan from her GP about her trust issues? That may also be another way to help her through her problems, as the GP can refer her to specialists who can help with her problems. It may also be beneficial to check in on yourself. Putting your own mental health first before others is a sign of self-love, so don't be afraid to reach out to your GP for a mental health plan as well, and give yourself some space from your partner if you need to.
Happy to chat more with you Beaser.
Jt
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Hi and thanks again JT.
You certainly do seem to understand my situation well. A little about myself ,i have had lifelong depression and anxiety issues and have been on a mental health care plan long term .I have found a councillor who i really like so that is comforting. My decision making is a real problem ad i always question myself.Sometimes i feel so stressed. I have pretty much assured my partner that im there for her and that her problems are similar to mine and that i wont be scared away. I have been gentle and tried to be there for her at times too be pushed away though.The space thing is hard as i have been accused of being too clingy. I have been heavily involved as a volunteer at my local football club for most of my life. I worry that this may come between us as she struggles with coming along . As people always tell me i need to keep doing these things.I hope i am gradually giving you a better idea of me and my situation. And thanks so much its kind of you to reach out and i value your thoughts. Please feel free to ask any questions.
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Hi Beaser,
Thank you for sharing more of your thoughts. I'm really sorry to hear about your lifelong depression and anxiety issues... that must be really hard on you for awhile now. It's great to know that you have a councilor whom you really like, and a mental health care plan to help you. Please correct me if I'm wrong, when it comes to decision making, do you feel a sense of "Is what I'm doing right? What if this is not right? Maybe I could've done this?". It's common for us to worry about the choices we make, as we're unsure of the consequences that it has for the future; Fearing of the unknown. I tend to be like that as well sometimes, and while I still am, it is not so much as before after I've learned about practicing mindfulness, and just be living in the moment. I'm practicing to trust myself on the decisions I make today, and whatever happens tomorrow, I'll deal with it. Hopefully that may assist you in any way about your worries on decision making. It is also worth bringing it up to your councilor about your troubles on making decisions that makes you question yourself? They may have a better approach for you to handle your worries.
For your partner, I feel everyone's mental health issues are unique. While there can be slight similarities here and there in the way people feels, but everyone has their own story to tell, and it can be hard for them to bring it up as they are afraid it might hurt the ones that they love, or burden them. Have you suggested to her to visit a GP for a mental health care plan as well? It's tough caring for someone with mental health issues, and requires a lot of patience, compassion, and empathy. Hopefully she'll be open to the suggestion of getting a mental health care plan for herself too.
Regarding your football club, sorry to hear about your worries that it may come between you and her. I'm not well versed on what are the requirements to be in a football club, but do you feel it is necessary to be bringing her to your football clubs? Or is this more for meeting the expectations of what others have expected of you to be doing? If it's the latter, how would you feel if you did accomplish that?
Jt
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Hi again JT and thank you.
I guess with my decision making a lot of it comes from being a people pleaser and the guilt that i feel that ive let people down.I know guilt comes with my condition but it weighs me down greatly.Especially with the football club as they have been my saviour in recent years . But at the end of the day i come home to an empty house from there,i guess i have to make sacrifices to be with my partner.
My partner has her mental health care plan and speaks with a proffesional who she is comfortable with.I just really struggle with her pushing me away at times and im scared to suggest that we catch up as i dont want to scare her away.I feel so insecure at times. Thank you again JT I would love to keep talking. Beaser,
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Hi Beaser,
It must be tough to be bearing the burden and guilt of having to have let people down in the past. For the past to be affecting you to becoming a people pleaser and having a tough time making decisions, I can only imagine it to be a very tiring and mentally exhausting for you. I'm sorry to hear that Brett. Pardon me for asking, do you live separately with your partner now?
I'm glad to hear that your partner has her mental health plan as well. Only within ourselves can we find answers to our own problems. There's only so much problems we can handle, that we become overwhelmed by needing to find answers for all of them. When that happens, we then need to find the courage to seek help, but it is tough to find that courage when we do not want to burden others with our own problems. I feel it is perhaps what your partner is going through at the moment, especially since she too carries a burden from the past.
I can feel your love for her is strong, and you've done your best in supporting her through her tough times, even though you have your own problems as well. It takes a lot of patience, empathy and love to help support someone who's going through their dark times. Try and take things slowly with her, gently remind her the wonderful person that she is, and that you're there for her if she ever wants someone to talk to. At the same time, try and fill your time with something that you love to do for yourself. Do you have any hobbies that you like to do, or would like to pursue?
Jt
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Hi again and thanks JT.
Just in answer to your your question yeh i do live alone my partner lives about a half an hour away. I think you have summed things up very well and my partner does have her trust issues and it is hard for her to open up about her feelings. I am trying to take it slow with her and remind her of how well she is going.Its just sometimes i feel insecure as a result of the way things are.I too am scared of putting my heart on the line and having it broken ,it terrifies me.
I realise i need to keep my own life going ,i guess the football has been a saviour for me in recent years and i am trying to keep that going as best i can.
I had a text from my psychologist yesterday and have an appt with him next Monday which will be good for me.
Thank you again JT I really appreciate you taking time to reply and i find you have a great understanding of where im at.
Brett
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Hi Beaser,
It's great to hear from you again. I hope you're doing well. It's okay to feel insecure, I feel you've been through a lot in your life. There's that saying, wounds heal, but scars will remain for life. The experiences we've had in life, whether bad or good, remains in our memory because of how much it has impacted us during that time. Especially a broken heart that kicks us and beats us down while questioning all our beliefs and self-worth.
It is as you said, we need to keep going on with our own life. Football certainly sounds like something you love doing, and there's plenty more of things to discover in this world that you may love doing as well. Keep yourself happy and occupied while taking it slowly with your partner who has her own battles. Only she can fight her own battles, while everyone else around her supports and encourages her from the side. I hope all goes well with you and your partner Brett. Always happy to chat more with you too.
Jt
