Terrified of another mistake

[Nigelpm]

My first post..Hi everyone!..I live in a small town in regional South Australia. I am gay and don't really fit in and feel very judged..I am on anti depressants and I am drinking as well...I have lived here for 18 months and only know a couple of people. The couple of people I know-well I cant even class them as friends as I feel that they gossip about me as well.I am at a crossroads. Do I stay and create a business in the town (as I am not working) or do I just accept that I made a mistake,buy a caravan and move to Northern New South Wales which is more accepting of diversity and then put the house on the market if I like it there. I am really paralysed over what to do. In 2015 I trusted instincts and ran off and lived in France-that didnt work out either. I just cant make big decisions anymore and need guidance. I know that life is full of ups and downs wherever you go but should I be around people that are more like minded or just do something here and expect the town to accept me. There are other gay people here that do survive but to me they are plastic and seem to put on a front which helps them to survive.

[Unbeliever]

You asked, so here I am.

I don't know what it is like to live in a small rural town. But I can see why that would be tough for you in your situation.

I can relate to "not fitting in" though. I've never fit in anywhere at any point of my life. "Belonging" is something I gave up on long ago.

I can say that I don't judge you for being gay though. I can't imagine a way that I could. But unfortunately many people are judgemental over the stupidest things, for some people it is just about the only thing they are good at. Which is pretty sad if you think about it.

You did use the word "feel" to describe the gossip of a few possible friends. So can I assume that this is just an assumption? Do you have any reason to think they are gossiping about you? Maybe they're not but you think they might be because you have become used to that kind of behaviour from others in your past? They might be entirely innocent and only talk about you in normal positive ways between themselves.

You didn't say why you chose to move to a small rural town in the first place. Was there a particular reason? I'm not sure how financially invested you are in this town, but if the loss is not crippling and you are not happy there, then moving to somewhere you might feel more comfortable seems like a good idea.

Even if the place you moved to was not to your liking again, then again, as long as you have not purchased property or something it doesn't have to be a permenant decision. You could always move again, and again, and again if you wished until you find whatever it is that you are looking for. Changing location doesn't have to be the "do or die" decision you seem to feel it is.

I also made a massive location change like you on a whim. I chose a location that was damn near the opposite side of the planet from Australia (South America)... lived there for 2 years.

Like you, the experience was not perfect. I learned many unfortunate things about myself, spent every dollar to my name and returned to Australia with nothing and sadder than when I left.

There are definitely some massive life changing decisions to make in life that need serious thought, but I actually don't think this is one of them for you. Certainly not a "paralysis" one anyway. Not unless you are going to lose your life savings in the process or something.

Go, check it out. Don't like it? come back. Want to test out multiple potential locations, do it.

It is not like you are trapped in any way no matter what you decide to do.

[blondguy]

Hi Nigelpm

It took me many weeks to summon the courage to post my own thread. You are strong and good on you for posting!

I am proud to be gay-friendly. I have many gay friends that have been there for me for many years and vice versa too

Unbeliever has posted great advice above which I wont repeat all over again.

Its bad news that you are being judged on who you are.....yourself! I used to have chronic anxiety and was 'judged' continuously in my senior management roles with some well known multi nationals

I hope my response is okay and its only my humble opinion of course. I have always felt the super urgency to make a major decision too Nigelpm....and I wasnt able to make the right decision (like yourself) so I wrote a sticky note saying 'Haste Makes Waste' and stuck it on my fridge.....I guess I was just trying to be 'gentle' to myself by understand that my life wouldn't fall apart if I didnt make a decision immediately

Its only been 18 months....maybe its time to take a 'vacation' from any decision making? I see a very kind and intelligent guy that deserves the best outcome in life

Its wonderful to have you are part of the Beyond Blue forum family Nigelpm and thankyou so much for being here too! It would be great if you could post back when convenient for you 🙂

My kindest thoughts for you

Paul

[Nigelpm]

Thanks Paul for your kind words...I am intoxicated at present so any creative reply is challenging...I am grateful though for your perspective on decision making and will take good advice on taking a vacation....I really loathe decisions...I just will be instead of do....tis hard tho for humans that after all that built Rome and the 10,000 things that go with it...a fire pit,a cooking pot and community should be enough..alas, the productivity urge and creation of a better life disallows for such meaningless/meaningful existence...the latter and the former of this dichotomy gets me into such a state..

[geoff]

hello Nigel, it's sad when this happens and I'm sorry for you, however there maybe a strong possibility that if you start your own business you will invest what money you have into it, but if you don't feel welcome there then I'm not sure the business will succeed, especially if the folk are against having gay people in their town.
I also live in a country town where I know lots of gay people, of course they don't concern me and they do what they want to do and I do the same, but under any circumstances starting a new business is a gamble, because you have to build up your trade and sometimes that isn't as easy as it sounds.
You need to reflect on your France trip, whether the same is going to happen if you move away, for me I dislike moving and moving to another town frightens me so I don't do it, my son wants me to move closer to his children aged 5 and 3 but that's 2 1/2 hours away, I know in theory it would be great to be close to my g/children, but I can't take that chance, so I'll be staying put.
Even if I did move would I be happy, so this is what you need to think about, and even moving around in a caravan may make you feel better, but will this be the same in a couple of months.
I can't decide for you, but if you're not happy where you are doesn't that tell you something. Geoff.

[Nigelpm]

Thanks Geoff,other people that are gay in the town survive but they are coupled so I think that makes a difference. People often have the wrong idea of single people and think they may be up to no good. Which is not the case at all.I have limited funds but have equity redraw available which means running up more debt. Which I dont want to risk. I will just sit for a while and decide my next move. Thanks so much for your input.

[Just Sara]

Hey Nigel!

I'm sorry I haven't seen your thread before; I'm here now though and would love to contribute if that's ok. 🙂

So you're a single gay man living in a rural community with some heavy decisions to make. I'm a single bi woman living in a regional city (Pop - 40,000) but some days it can seem oh so small indeed. What can I say? Small town mentality can be a bloody 'Mary'. Ha ha...

My first question is; 'What is it you WANT to do?' Set aside options for now ok, that's where confusion starts. I have a few words on my fridge too. (thanks Paul) One refers to decision making and following an action plan. It reads...'Eat the elephant one bite at a time'

Some decisions 'are' like elephants eh?

I guess what concerns me more is your mental health state. I hope you have resources like a GP and psych's in your area. A hospital too for those "Oh, merde!" times.

I'm not one to let an obvious issue pass by and tread on eggshells as some might. It's just who I am ok. So...is sitting at home with a bunger, wine and listening to Bach and, be thinking about all these 'what if's' as well, a healthy or productive lifestyle?

It seems to me your mental state needs to be top notch prior to even contemplating such endeavours hun. Yes, you're in a stalemate situation for sure, and I'm not poo-pooing your choices either. (I love a good merlot myself) I'm concerned is all..

That brings me to the other comment on my fridge which says; "A good life's the difference between choosing what's right and what's easy"

That one's deep and really difficult to face. But it's a relevant comment none the less.

I'd love to engage with some fun and silliness to ease your darkness. Please visit our LGBTI Rainbow Café in the Social Zone section of the forum and meet some of our BB community. I'll greet you there with a smile, colourful cocktail and hors d'oeuvre's. Mmm...yum!

I'm here for you Nigel..

Sez x

[Nigelpm]

Sara....40,000!..I wish..try 1200..:( tis' pretty and quaint...but oh so tedious.... I know the Butcher,Baker,Candlestick Maker...I exchange pleasantries about the weather..too often I am afraid..People (from what I experience are not into new ideas or philosophy) but a trite sense of morbididty and resignation to their situation and when stepping out from the confines of limited conversation stretch their resignation of dissatisfaction to commenting on how they are grateful for 3 meals a day...as they look u up and down...I am sure whilst they talk about the weather they are actually calculating if their welfare check will stretch to a tank of fuel to escape their plight...the town is surrounded by hills and descends into a cold valley which emphasizes the blanket of depression...not to be to harsh their are many tourists that enter and look around at the history..circa 1850' and want to chat with you about the past..and also the cemetary has reasonably sized plots to be lowered into when the time is right...The mentality of the "blokes" around is not dissimilar from guys at high school...beer,footy,sheep talk and the wife has cooked up sumthin gd for tonight...and they have a glint in their eye with what maybe in store at home for them on a Friday night...fortunately the cemetary plots are a little short of 6'4 so there is hope that I will not have my stonemason chisel for me here...oh the torment...but yes,a good mental state is necessary prior to escape...I keep saying to myself.."Nigel it is just a house to store your furniture"...there is some catharsis in that!

[Nigelpm]

I am off to the rainbow café!

[Nigelpm]

I don't know if I want to do anything...I am too old and too disillusioned with shiny objects and fallible human connections...I DID desire a career(provided stress)....creativity(provided poverty)...human connection(provided disappointment)..good food.(provided excreting)....umm just being..well the mind then wants you to do!(programming or human nature not sure)....I think I STILL WANT a new world..but that wont happen because of England and its tangled pervasive roots that are immersed in economy and industry with an ever pervasive absence of love..(so prevalent in our culture)....WHAT DO I WANT???.. well peace and absence of existential neurosis..umm..the darkness to dissipate?..