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Owed to Solitude

amd1953
Community Member

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

357 Replies 357

Hello Kitty,

If I ever wrote a book, it would be to warn others against being complacent and not having a plan for life.   It would probably be aimed towards younger people who might be susceptible to falling into the same traps that I discovered along the way.   It wouldn't be a book for everyone because a lot of the things I would be writing about are second nature to some people but not to others.   Some people grow up in a sort of vacuum and miss out on a lot of the experience that educates them and shapes their character.   I lacked male role models in my early life and consequently I wasted a lot of time exploring rabbit holes to see what was down them.   When I say a life plan, I don't necessarily mean a step-by-step program but rather pointers, guides and suggestions to put people on the right track as early as possible.  That way they become streetwise without necessarily going on the street.   All of that was seriously lacking in my life and if I could help one person avoid what I went through then I would feel that I had done something worthwhile.     What I am saying probably sounds a bit corny in this day and age but there might just be someone who would benefit from the right kind of knowledge.

Regards

AMD1953

Hello Anno Domini 1359 with a happy smile.

My you have  travelled back in time nearly 600 years

Enjoy the ride! Report back with what you observe.  Are you in Durham?

 

I am not feeling well from grief at moment. Hard writing on mobile as well.

Will write again when feeling brighter.

You have Mmme to write to as well now. I look forward to reading.

Look out for the bluebird. I told it to fly over for a visit.

Me 2 S 6

Ciao

Hello Ems,

Sorry to hear about your grieving.   I wish you strength during this time.

As for living in Durham.   No, I live a little further afield in Tasmania.   I am wondering if that was a trick question.

I think I have learned a lot from the other week when I crossed the line on this forum.   The first lesson was not to take it as badly as I did.   Other people's opinions are out of my hands so I will not be getting upset in future if the same thing happens again.   Of course, I hope it doesn't, but you can never tell.   I do have a habit of speaking my mind which often lands me in rather hot water.   But that is a chance that I am willing to take.   Anyway, enough said on that subject, I think.   I spent a lot of time out in my garden today.   By the end of it, I was surprised at how much I had actually achieved.   If I can do a little bit every day, I should be finished by this time next year.   I am joking of course.   Once I have removed the overgrowth, I will have to make sure I follow a regular program of maintaining order from chaos.   I am getting my ride-on mower serviced next week so that should boost my progress.   I have discovered that I can work out there more effectively when it is overcast.   Failing that, I will just have to prepare myself to go out in early evening as the sun goes down.   I think it stays fairly light until 9pm as we head into summer.   That will give me a few hours to take care of business.   Other than that, not much going on here worth noting.   

My best wishes to you

DMA 3591

Hello Kitty,

I love the idea of the book you wish you could write.   That is what the world needs right now.   Something different from the usual literary offerings.   A collection of different things sounds wonderful.   I hope you do it one day.   The majority of my writing is done on Microsoft Word so will probably never be read by anyone other than myself.   

Best wishes

amd1953

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello Amd & Ems

 

Over the last twenty odd years or so, my writing has been on my PC, in word documents. I lost a heap when my PC's hard drive crashed, & so all I had recovered came from a couple of the writers' group members who had kept copies of things I had presented to the group.

I also kept most of the poems I wrote when I was a teenager, in my own handwriting on paper.

I had revised a few of the old poem. Sometimes I think I'd like to review more & maybe revise some more of them.

I don't write regularly now. I feel I lost something more than feeling the group had given me in encouragement. I often felt my own imagination sparking off things they wrote. I also enjoyed the prompts & exercises we did. Then there was the realisation that only a couple of us thought it was important enough to keep trying to be a writers' group, via email, during COVID & because of the restriction we all had to endure. I was so thoroughly disappointed in those who so easily 'quit', voting for the group to disband.

I feel I lack either ambition, passion, that desperate need to communicate something to people I don't know, or any deep motivation, not even the desire to write a prize-winning best seller... I feel I need something I don't have to keep me working at anything that takes me more than a few days, or maybe weeks ... I have noticed, as important as it is for me to get fit, healthier, eat well, exercise, etc, my enthusiasm for continuing to work as hard as I have has waned. It does help me to have someone to work with me, to help make it fun & not so much like work. I don't like to admit, I need a person to help me do this.

& maybe, I need people, such as a group, if I am to write more regularly again.

Keep well,

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Hello Kitty,

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying.   I think we write because it feels like the most natural thing to want to do.   We need to tell our story to those who are willing to listen.   During my childhood and teenage years, I found my world within the pages of books.   Even then I loved to write stories too and I filled many notebooks.   I only wish that I had kept them.   It would have been a record of my development as a writer.   Unfortunately, everything I had was left behind in the UK when we emigrated to Australia in the 1970's.   All of the toys I treasured were left behind so willingly because I thought I would never need them again.   How wrong I was.   It was a terrible sacrifice now that I look back on it.   The prospect of a new life in a distant land meant giving up everything from the one we were leaving.   It is only since I have retired that I found the urge to start writing again.   Not so much for other people but for myself.   I didn't care if anyone ever read what I had written or not.   Writing seemed the perfect way to analyse my life in an effort to discover where I had gone wrong.   So, it was never anything that was meant for public consumption.   Sometimes the greatest desires in our life are the hardest to obtain and even when we conquer our own fears, we have already lost the will to achieve what we desire the most.   Fortunately, I was lucky to be able to rekindle my love of writing and find my voice again, even if it was only for myself.   I realised that no matter what was happening around me, writing was the only thing that meant anything to me, so I just started writing whatever I chose.   Of course, we are all different and, in that difference, comes the unique identity of our wants and needs.   If you feel that you need someone to inspire or motivate you, you may not have yet discovered the path that you have to follow.   For me, having someone around me all the time now, would be the worst thing that could happen.   I convinced myself that I needed people before in my life but in reality, I just needed my own space and the freedom that goes with it.   I am not saying that you are wrong thinking the way you have described.   Finding someone to share your passion may be a good thing but be careful what you wish for.   

Regards

amd1953

Hello DMA3591,

Thank you for your kind words.

I do have been told by many people over the years that I am too hard on myself. There have been periods where I have had to push through. Then life is life and eventually chronic trauma has been diagnosed again. Helps me understand what’s seemed too overwhelming for even built up grief. Hopefully explains my loss for Alfred and energy to go out. 
I did manage 4-5hors in the garden last week on one day. Since then only one short walk due to poor weather.I am very impressed with your garden achievements. A fixed ride on mower there will be no stopping you. Just don’t reverse into your very tall hedge. You will be creating sculptured shapes of your bushes next.

I know how it feels to lose a part of yourself emigrating to another country. We moved in between 7 countries by the age that I was 11. I used to write in my diary every day. I was glad that I threw it out. I only recorded my thoughts. I attempted a piece of writing in regards to inner critic thread. It is too depressing. I responded to writing group and am determined to get to next meeting. I actually asked for homework! That was this moning. I finished it a few hours later. I might read it out.  Two members seem keen for me to join and I feel relaxed with them. So am taking one step at a time. 
I hope that you are still enjoying your writing.

Yes mention of Durham was a clue. A follow on from Anno Domini. Bede’s tomb is in Durham cathedral. 
I am rambling now

I bid you a kind adieu mio amico

Has the bluebird returned yet?

Treasure your writing as it is a part of you

Ciao

Esm ts

 

Oh dear

Ems here again.

I wrote that above response from my mobile in bed last night. I should learn not to use my mobile.

 

Hopefully explains my loss for Alfred and energy to go out. 

 

Above copied from post this is meant to read

 

hopefully explains my loss of enthusiasm and energy to go out.

 

Goodness knows who Alfred is!!

 

I am also having counselling in regard to past trauma and I can feel some improvement already. So onwards and outwards.

I happen to have two outings over the next two days which will also help. Hopefully.

So apologies to all and or anyone reading this.

 

Bye for now

Ems

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello Amd & Ems

*

Hope you have a wonderful time, Ems, doing/going what.whereever you are - with or without Alfred!

 

Amd, when I was writing fiction or poetry, the spontaneous urge seemed to have pretty much evaporated when in a disastrous relationship with someone who couldn't stand that I was even literate. 

 

Many years later, I was writing books in A4 books, writing out all my thoughts & feelings, to myself, trying to put the thoughts & feelings into some sort of order, to make any possible sense of it, when I realised, I couldn't look at my own stuff with a fresh eye. That came about while seeing a psychiatrist. I was able to show him someof my writing & paintings. He tried to encourage me to talk, using these things as starting points. Slowly, that was beginning to work when he left to move interstate.

I was just beginning to get the idea that having someone I could talk to, someone who would quietly listen, & also occasionally ask a question or two, to help me view & begin to reflect more carefully into my own thoughts & feelings, & all the memories, too, & into the disastrous relationships I'd been in & the one I was in when I met him.

When in the writers' group, I appreciated the encouragement I got, & I felt that part of me begin to open up for me again. There's a possibility I had begun to rely upon their feedback, even their ideas, get anything out of me, as if the only writing I could do was in response to what someone else suggested, or wrote, or asked.

Even now, a few years since the group disbanded, I am tempted to look to the exercises we did to find something to write.

where has the spontaneity gone? How do I get that back? I susupect the answer is to require myself to sit & write, not here, but on my own, only for myself to read again. (Note, I didn't used to read much of my early writing - especially not the couple thousands of pages I'd written in those books.)

*

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Good morning Kitty,

I enjoyed reading your post and I think you expressed yourself very well.   I am always keen to read what other people think as well as hear about what they do with their lives.   I value very highly people who are able and willing to open up about their inner lives.   What goes on inside their heads and why they feel the way they do.   I find that helpful working on my own fears and doubts and I am sure other people feel that way by reading and relating to what is said on this forum.   I also think that people can lose their reluctance to talk about themselves by the anonymity that forums such as this offer.   In many ways the guard is down, and we are free, in some cases, to speak our minds.   The fear of being judged is removed because nobody knows who we are only that we are suffering in some way.   When I discovered this forum. I found myself very reluctant to open up about what I thought and the personal problems I had but the support I received allowed me to build up a strong sense of camaraderie with those I was writing to and those who read what I wrote.   I had to put out of my head the idea that I was just having a good whinge and "woe is me".   The posts from other people on here in the different sections that are available, made me realise that people have their own demons in similar conditions and situations.   What I write on here is not just in reply to someone else and not just to vent my own problems.   I sincerely hope that by talking about what I have endured and lived through, either good or bad, will resonate with someone who knows what it is like to be human and not be afraid to admit or acknowledge it.   I think a lot of people are reticent about showing their true characters and hide behind masks in public.   Speaking for myself, I have always tried to be open with everyone I meet and treat them how I would like to be treated myself.   Sometimes it works out and at other times it has not.   I think that the bullying I received at school has adversely affected my outlook on life.   When I was a child, I was quite bright and bubbly but as I tried to grow up, I found that the world was not always welcoming to me.   Consequently, I was always feeling that I had said or done the wrong thing.   I found myself reluctant to say anything for fear of being mocked and humiliated.   That more or less continues to this day.   I find that now I am able to withdraw from the world due to retirement and not be forced into social interactions, my life has sort of plateaued and I don't have to endure any of the nonsense I have before.

I have rambled on a bit so I'm going to call it a day right here.

Regards

amd1953