Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[amd1953]

Hello Srfr,

More power to you, my friend, for having the strength to fight those inner demons that wreak their havoc upon us.   There is nothing better than feeling that you have the power to cast them off and find the true you.   I know from experience that it is not an easy task but often learning has to be done the hard way.   Many of the most important lessons in life are more effective when we appreciate what it has taken from us and what we have gained from the experience.   I sincerely hope that you continue to find the rewards for your struggles.

Regards

amd1953

[amd1953]

Hello Kitty,

Always a pleasure to hear from you and read your comments.   Thank you.   I also appreciate your comments regarding the conversations between Ems and myself.   There is nothing more empowering than having someone appreciate what we write.   I have to admit that I often forget that other people can read our posts and it is only when someone takes the time to comment that I remember that this is truly a public forum dedicated to supporting those people who really need help and understanding.   Sometimes we are reluctant to discuss or make public anything related to our inner selves because we are uncertain of the implications, or the memories are still freshly experienced.   I am not an expert in any way, but I submit my thoughts and experiences in the hope that they might assist other people to know that they are not always completely alone.  

Kind regards

amd1953

[Emotions26]

Hello Srfr,

I understand your being drawn to Amd's writing.

He does have a beautiful way of expressing his thoughts and at times, his emotions also.

I also connect strongly with his ideas about most of society.

I hope that you find some comfort in reading his words. Sometimes it helps to feel less alone with whatever is troubling you at the time. We all land on these forums seeking something.

I feel that we all want to be listened to and heard.

Others might feel differently.

If you have not already, you might find some comfort in reading his last piece, above this one.

Ems

[Emotions26]

Hello AmD and mmMe

Nice comments about intelligent conversations.  Thank you on my part.

Yes coming back to reality and remembering that we are on this almighty forum that can be read worldwide is a bit foreboding for moi who is a being prone to self isolating too often.

Tis what it is though.

I am over having conversations with myself at the moment. I cannot get out of my head as easily.

The weather has been misbehaving.  This halts me as I go anywhere near a doorway.

Tomorrow I have an appointment so will need to walk through one.

I also received notice from the last writer group meeting that I could not attend due to health. They want me to give more answers on what is priority for group moving forward.  A wee bit hard when I have not yet managed to get to one.  Still I am thinking that it is very nice of them to include me.  I am looking at it as they are wanting me to feel a part of the group.  Nice.  Hopefully.

This group is quite vague in answering my questions.

I just have to put on my super power costume and face the words not the music.

Then decide. Is this for me?

That's all for now folks

Ems

[amd1953]

Good afternoon Ems,

Sorry to keep you waiting for a message.   I've been a bit subdued since about Saturday, so I thought I had better stay away from the forums.   I sent you a message late last week, but it was rejected by the moderator as being not suitable for sharing.   Anyway, it was out of my hands, so I've been a bit annoyed about it since then.

Anyway, I have returned and am ready to make amends for my transgression.   Nothing like a bit of rejection to sharpen your senses.   However, moving quickly on.   I am convinced the weather patterns have a part to play with my mood swings.   I am down on the grey days and then up on the sunny days.   It's just like a perpetual roller coaster ride.   I had planned on a day out in the garden yesterday, but I lasted less than one hour.   Just enough time to disconnect the battery from my ride-on mower and hook it up to the battery charger.   That was a waste of time too.   I am finding that when things get me down, I have to back right off everything and do literally nothing for a couple of days.   Just as well I'm not planning any big projects before Christmas.   Come to think of it, I don't have anything planned after Christmas either.   So, there it is.   

Your writing group is keen to have you join them!   That was very considerate of them to extend that offer to you.   As you said, all you have to do now is do the right thing by yourself.

I might leave it there for now and get this in the pipeline.

Hopefully I haven't said anything that will get me negatively moderated again.

Cheers for now

amd1953

[Emotions26]

Hello amd1953,

I was a little concerned when I had not heard that you might not be feeling the best. Then I told myself, amd could be busy writing a book!

Moderation I think is mostly  around certain words and perhaps at times content. I know that I had a post moderated and they did explain.  Perhaps if you still feel upset you could write back and ask them how to better word your post. I am no expert. I just know that there is an email address listed somewhere if you have any questions or concerns.

You handled it with your humour style in your reply to me now. That sounds more like my friend amd   

Nothing like a bit of rejection to sharpen your senses. 

Brought a smile to my face.    Shame about the inconsiderate weather. Seriously! You were all armed and prepared to get out there and get into it.  I agree the weather patterns are very inconvenient.  They leave clues somewhere for the meterologists and the forecast still ends up pear shaped.  I think it might be a bit like that game of cards called pick up 52.  I have actually been allowing myself time to be a sloth which is not like me.  I don't feel good about myself at the time.  The next day though I have noticed that I feel slightly more rested   some times!  The Insidious grief has been plaguing me and I gave it a good talking to this morning.  Karma got me back with dreadful call centre experiences lasting hours.  Projects I can't remember the last time I planned one actually.  I make plans and sometimes achieve them.  I have been more productive yesterday and today.  I went for a long walk by the river today which was lovely.  I feel refreshed now.  Might even manage some slumber tonight.  Writing group yes I have told myself to go with an open mind and listen more than talk.  This usually is easily achieved as there are always talkers in every group aren't there.  I will look at the attachment that they sent me and give as much feedback as I can for them.

I do appreciate you writing when still feeling subdued.  The clue is in your signing over and out amd.

As for transgression! What transgression?

Your post was moderated and you just had to write something else.  This you have achieved.

I felt a little nervous after my effort and was reassured that they do not read every single post.  Can you imagine!

Keep on being you.

Cheers back

The bluebird of happiness has been looking for you

Ems or me s

[mmMekitty]

Hello Ems, who holds at least half the deck, which leaves both Jokers, both blank cards, & the instructions card for how to handle the cards - for AMD? 

Maybe, the writers' group is interested in knowing how you would like to benefit from joining their group? Are you looking for people who can help you improve your writing skills? People whose ideas spark your imagination To write up your own ideas, maybe to share with family & friends, or to learn in a supportive environment, ways to better express yourself, so others can more easily comprehend your thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc.? do you hope that by joining a group, you will become more disciplined about doing regular writing? Would you like the group to explore & develop writing various forms, such as prose, poetry, plays, essays, letters, journaling, genre writing, historical fact or fiction, or even how to review & critique others writing???? & more, Such as comedy writing?

Get published?

& how much would you like the group to socialise within the group, & outside as well?

I think, annoying as it is, editing is a very good skill to learn, especially when there is a character count, (incl. spaces) to bear in mind.

Sometimes, I am just not good at editing, because I just keep writing, 'just', for example! That's one word which offers very little to the content of any writing.

*

AMD, I think my moods are more often affected by what other people are doing around me, particularly if what they are doing, or not doing, in some way disappoints me, distresses me, saddens me, angers me - unfortunately, not so much when they are doing 'positive' things like being towards me, welcoming, accepting of me, offering to help or do something I need... My mood might rise by 15% when there are no things bothering me, when something good is happening. However when things are not going well, my mood drops by 30 - 50%. 

I'm not explaining well.

So, not much levitating lately. My foot is too uncomfortable, my support workers let me down, I've had to download WhatsApp to use with my Psychiatrist, my sis called & we met up & she has offered information about our mother which will only lead to unearthing complicated emotions. But I've had an offer from someone to take me to & from their Xmas mornig tea (I'm a member but my support worker's bro has need of his help, & late in telling me).

So that felt good for a bit, better tomorrow - if I win a raffle.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

OH &:

modsupport@beyondblue.org.au

I have had some posts edited & it's been very upsetting at times. Occasionally, when I"ve written back about the reason for the changes they have made or are asking me to make, I understand. Somethimes I have thought self-expression ought to be freer in some areas, not all, though.

There are the Guidelines, which we are all encouraged to read before signing up to BB, & some more specific Guidelines topping some sections where people might wish tobe more 'expressive', & maybe add TW warnings. I'd like to think, people reading in these areas have accepted some content might be disturbing, & so make a decision about reading further. So, it has upset me when I've felt the need to be more explicit & I have my post moderated. The worst was when they wanted to remove half a dozen lines of a poem I wanted to post, with warning, because it was stating things too plainly. That is a very important poem to me, especially to maintain the original text, having worked on it for hours, through tears, as well. It meant so much to me to say what I experienced. Then to have my words removed against my will was 'triggering' to me. I, very unhappily, I opted to not post.

This is, as we know, a forum which is open for anyone to read, maybe even kids younger than those allowed to join, or to people who are in a very vulnerable place. It's not easy to get the balance right when it comes to taking care of people we don't know & being able to express ourselves as freely as we'd like.

I suppose, we could accept a sort of Hippocratic Oath when it comes to our posts here on BB. Doesn't it say, 'first, do no harm', which means we take a conservative stance when we decide what to post.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[amd1953]

Zaoshang Hao EmS,

Writing a book eh?   What an idea that is.   Perhaps an unabridged translation of Homer's Odessey or Tolstoy's War & Peace.   That would certainly keep me busy for a while.   How about Dante's Divine Comedy or Aristotle's Metaphysics?   Yes, they are more my style.   Whatever I was writing, I would have to set aside time to communicate with my dear friends at Beyond Blue.   However, in reality, I was not writing any of those splendid tomes.   I was merely indulging in a male dummy spit.   I was having a good sulk.   Never mind, moving swiftly along.   I have moved my double bed back into the smallest bedroom.   Actually, both of my bedrooms are the same size, in area but due to a sloping corrugated iron roof, the smallest one has lower headroom than the other.   I did sleep four or five hours which is an achievement beyond my wildest imagination so well done me.  This leaves a ballroomesque amount of room out in my lounge which is the original lounge combined with a third bedroom.   The only thing out there now is my 3-piece lounge suite.   With so much empty space, it makes it easier to get busy with the Dyson.   Overall, as houses go, mine is no mansion.   It was originally constructed in 1912 as a miner's cottage.   There is the house block, of course and beside it is another block, but this has no house on it.   I refer to it as my buffer against the world.   There was a third block on this title but that was sold off to the neighbour on the other side of me.   It might be a very small house, but I love it to death.   It is my Camelot and my Camusfearna all rolled into one.   A bright, shining beacon of hope and truth with an imaginary drawbridge and portcullis.   Oh yes, and a 30-foot hedge.   Within these hallowed halls, I work feverishly at producing my illuminated manuscripts by candlelight and other monkish pursuits.   Do I pose any threat to the outside world?   None whatsoever.   Does the rest of the world pose a threat to me?   Only imaginary ones!

Okay enough of the waffling.   I would like to have this finished and posted before the chiming of the bell at 6am.   Actually, there is no bell, only a digital alarm clock.   And so, I take my leave and go forth to nuke my coffee in the microwave and think about something for breakfast.   

adeus por enquanto até nos encontrarmos novamente

Anno Domini 1359 Em 🙂

[mmMekitty]

Hello Affirmed Mono-Dweller

How I swoon at the description

Of your humble abode,

the only thing lacking is an active goat,

So, the hedge & lawn will appear,

Perpetually trimmed and mowed.

I have not enough self-discipline to sit & write every day, maybe for years, to produce a novel-length long, let alone a series, I'd be happy if I could write a book containing linked poems & short fiction. The fictionalised stories would appear alongside the poems, which would be more in line with my experiences, thoughts & feelings about them. If I could still include drawings, paintings, & photos i've done, I would.

As admirable as those autors you have mentioned are, I would rather not 'borrow' from them. I would very much like to come up with something original, either in what the ideas are, or how they are presented.

I also like the idea of having little in-jokes with my readers.

Hugzies

mmMekitty