Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Emotions26]

Hello amd, Moonstruck and therising,

Relieved to see that there is some exchanging of ideas still happening here.

New people bring their perspectives.

Testament to the fact that change can be good.

Underlying meanings still resonate.

I have been going deeper within myself as setting boundaries does not keep away all darkness.

I am still discovering that the world does carry false people with their fake veneers of interest.

Still why should I expect otherwise when one only has to listen to small doses of what humankind worldwide is throwing up. Shudders.

So my energy is drained from me leaving me more guarded again and again.

I am safe; though I have created some visuals to ward off hovering dark entities.

My garden is thanking me for my efforts and love absorbed from time spent within.

So many different birds, butterflies, bees, possum family and a possible bandicoot; more unnoticed. Much playtime at dusk Moonstruck.  The moon and the stars are witness and friends to all that come out to play.

I almost feel as though I have been moved into a forest. How wonderful.

Enjoy each others' company.

I have no joy to share at present only with nature.

Take care

Ems

[therising]

Hi everyone 🙂

Words are truly so amazing, they really are. I was never really all that conscious of how powerful they can be when I was younger. I think I would have used them differently if I'd known better. But now here we all are, highly conscious, sharing words in the most beautiful of ways.

Through words, we learn so much. We learn how truly beautiful and full of life a person's garden is, such as Ems beautiful garden. We learn of each other's fears and sorrows. We learn of each other's determination to develop and evolve. We learn of each other's philosophies, revelations and more. While words can lead to a sense of suffering, such as some of those found within our inner dialogue and belief systems, others can lead to a sense of liberation and inspiration.

Amd1953, I smile when contemplating how I feel life after having read some of the words from 'The Book of Disquiet' each morning at breakfast. I feel liberated in some sense. Pessoa is a conjurer of the deeper sense of self. I feel the philosopher in me come to life, the poet in me, a soulful sense of who I am and a shift in how life can be perceived through a different lens. He speaks the language of a deeper sense of self. Amd1953, I wish that which speaks to you in regard to the fear of going to the optometrist would leave you alone, so that the part of you that would get you there could guide you. With words being a bit of a blur these days, for myself, I would feel lacking without my glasses. Btw, I find drivers in general these days, compared to 20 years ago, are definitely different. Driving is definitely more stressful and fearful these days. I find the pedestrian traffic in shopping centres to be the same. People don't seem to care about walking out of shops in front of you, as opposed to giving way before they walk out. And the amount of people who suddenly come to a stop in front of you, without warming...hmmm🤔. What has happened to greater consciousness (directed toward others)? People are curious creatures.

[amd1953]

Hello therising,

Curious creatures indeed!   Even the word itself has different connotations.   It can mean either inquisitive, strange or meddlesome.   What a handsome trio we have there.   The only two I am guilty of are inquisitive and strange.   I can't lay claim to being meddlesome.   I much prefer to mind my own p's and q's.   However, I still fall prey to meddlesome people so there is a message there somewhere.   According to my dictionary curious can also mean odd.   That sounds a little more spiteful than strange although I have been referred to with much worse words than those during my time on Planet Chaos.   I don't mind constructive criticism, but when is it ever that?

I love introverts, loners and good-for-nothings.   I seek solitude rather than society.   I desire peace rather than war.   All I ask is a tall ship and a star to sail her by.   If I didn't suffer from travel sickness, I would buy a catamaran and sail around the world on my own.   I think that should take me away for some considerable time.   As it is I find myself earth-bound and suffering the pangs of conscience that I am not making the world a better place for those who follow.   Perhaps this is as good as it gets now!   Who knows?   I have an infinite supply of rhetorical questions.   In the absence of silence, I send my imagination into the mesosphere and hope that it will break the sound barrier.   I might even consider having lunch in the Restaurant at the End of the Universe!   I could even consider requisitioning the Heart of Gold and become a dedicated galactic hitchhiker.   I wonder if Douglas Adams would mind.   

Each of my days now seems to pass twice as quickly as the previous one but I am sure that other people suffer the same thing.   I may even do away with sleep altogether one day so that I can continue reading and writing for as long as I shall live.   Of course, there is always the opportunity to become a ghost writer.   Splendid!

I fear that I am starting to waffle so I will bid farewell until the next time

amd1953

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

Good to read your last letter and know that you are out there somewhere.   I envy you moving into a forest.   What a marvelous flight of fancy that would be.   I am glad to hear that you can find solace in your garden.   As for myself, life goes on unabated and with winter on the distant horizon I have decided to invest in some thicker socks for 2025.   My feet are my well-being barometer.   Not a very pretty picture but very true.   I think it must have something to do with my poor circulation.   As long as nothing drops off, I think I will be fine.   

I found a new notebook this morning and as I gazed rapturously upon its unblemished cover, I found myself reaching for my fountain pen in the hope that the words would flow like water.   It took a while, but I did record a few pages of rambling thought and observation before the flow receded into a trickle.   But it was good fun.   And isn't that what life might all be about?   Hopefully, no one will ever read it.   I love books with strange titles.   Today I rediscovered one that was hiding in plain sight on my bookshelves entitled "The Memoirs of a Good-for-Nothing".

I immediately thought of myself.   I have been reading a lot of Carl Jung and his ideas on psychology and dreams.

Some very powerful stuff on solitude, alchemy and individuation.   It gives a whole new meaning to soul-searching.   I am only able to read a few pages at a time due to my eyesight but at least it is something.   Writing on word has improved because I have learned how to dictate.   

So, there we have it.   I have run out of steam for this sitting.   I hope that you are as well and as happy as you can be.   May the force be with you.

A Mythical Dragon 1395

[therising]

Hi amd1953

I've come to enjoy being inquisitive, strange and odd 😁. While I used to think there was something 'broken' about me, in regard to inquiring about 'What's wrong with me?', nowadays I've found that they only way to indulge in greater self understanding and self development involves being inquisitive or wonderful (full of wonder). While once upon a time I felt heartbreak when those who seek to judge would criticise me for being fascinated and inspired by certain 'woo woo stuff' (stuff of the soul that flexes the imagination), I've come to love what is regarded as strange and that includes loving myself. Now that I am 54 years old, I've come to celebrate my oddness, as opposed to feeling 'wrong'. For example, in my younger years I used to colour my hair pink or purple or blue etc and receive disapproving stares and even comments from people which brought me down. Nowadays it's not uncommon to see other gals of all ages with such colours in their hair. We are all parts of an odd bunch who smile at each other while passing. To find a comradery in being odd, is worth celebrating. Btw, I recall someone saying to me, when my hair started to go grey, 'You need to put a colour in your hair as you're looking a little old'. Hmmm...yes...thank you for that. While they were looking for me to dye it an acceptable brown, a beautiful lilac has now become my typical choice of colour 😊. The colour helps act as a reminder when I look in the mirror. While one of my inner demons likes to occasionally point out 'You look old and grey', when I throw a purple in my hair this triggers another part of me to insist 'You are so colourful, just have a look as proof of that'. Inquisitive, strange and odd can be such liberating things, depending on perspective.

One of the things I love most about sensitive people is their ability to sense the need to take constructive criticism and turn it into inspiring guidance. 'You're so slow at that' vs 'With more practice, you'll become much faster at this' feels very different. 'Your silver hair of wisdom would come to life with colourful highlights' 😅 vs 'Your grey hair makes you look old and washed out' feels very different. While insensitive people (who can't sense as easily as others) may insist 'You're too delicate, you need to toughen up', I suggest some skill development on their part instead. If they were to develop the ability to deliver inspiration, sensitive people wouldn't be left to feel their depressing lack of skill. That's one of the things I find most triggering about insensitive people, they tend to insist sensitive people do all the work. Insensitive people can be incredibly lazy at times.

Time is such a strange thing. While it typically used to be only older people who'd question how fast time was moving, young people today feel it too. How strange yet fascinating. Perhaps it's only the sensitive people who can sense it moving faster. Everyone else is too busy not feeling 😊

I can't help but wonder about what would be on the menu for lunch at the end of the universe.

[amd1953]

Hello therising,

Feeling comfortable with ourselves is half the battle, isn't it?   We can always improve with time and space.   We just have to ignore negative input from other people and even then, it is all in the mind how we process it.

I have wasted far too much time in the past, worrying about what people think about me, especially during the teenage years.   Everyone is entitled to their opinion and views, but we don't have to take any of it onboard.   Just a waste of energy.   I am sure nobody has ever taken any notice of mine. 🙂   

I've been trying to think of what might feature on the menu of any intergalactic restaurant.   It boggles the mind.

I think I notice time passing quicker now because theoretically I have so much of it at my disposal.   However, having said that, I am writing and reading most of the time and I lose myself in those activities.   It would probably be the same for whatever we might be doing and enjoying it.   Appreciating the moment.   

I am usually careful about giving advice and even then, I don't expect anyone to take any notice of what I say.   It's up to the person making the choice to make the ultimate decision.   I like people to follow their own intuition.

amd1953

[therising]

Hi amd1953

I wish the voice of intuition was easy to distinguish from other aspects of self. It would make decisions and life so much easier at times.

It was 4 weeks ago that I came to stay with my 86yo mother who has become unwell from taking chemotherapy medication. She also suffers from certain chronic conditions. She's actually spent the last week in hospital due to an inability to stomach food, resulting in a debilitating level of malnutrition. And here I still am, at her house (which is a 5 minute drive down the road from where I live). I don't want to leave. I don't want to go back home. With her here in her home or without her here, there is a sense of peace, a sense of joy, a sense of freedom and a sense of liberation. I should add that living with my mum is like living with a friend more than anything else. We share mutual respect, great consideration, a lot of laughs, a clean environment free of mess, great conversation etc. She's more than happy for me to stay for as long as I can. Btw, while she's longed to have her bathroom and toilet room painted for some time, I offer her joy on her return with me currently painting them. I love living with and serving the most unselfish person I know. But what does that say about me, not wanting to return home? What does intuition say? I can't hear it clearly.

At times I imagine I hear it, 'This is naturally who you are. You are someone who naturally thrives on service to others, especially selfless people. You are someone who thrives on a sense of peace and liberation etc'. And then I hear the kind of inner dialogue that goes a little like 'But what about your husband who proclaims his love for you, what about your 22yo daughter and 19yo son who still need your guidance and support with certain matters. You are deserting them'. Is it intuition that's convincing me to stay here longer or is it the saboteur in me, sabotaging my relationship with my kids? Btw, the reason I don't mention the relationship with my husband is because it's just too hard to cope with these days. I've tried so hard in my 23 year marriage but I'm just exhausted now, at this point of the marriage.

While I sit here expressing this form of mental and soulful torment (which is what it's been feeling like lately), what comes to mind is 'How have they been luring you, to come back home? While they have asked when you're returning, begged you to return and told you how much they're missing you (even though you've still been seeing them on occasion) and patiently waited, how have they lured you? Have they lured you with promises of change, for the better? Have they lured you with anything that feels peaceful, exciting and stuff along those lines? Have they lured you with what feels like an inspiring difference? No, they are simply waiting while begging for you to return to making life easier and more enjoyable in the house'. I should add, the kids don't get along with their father.

While I acknowledge and appreciate your reasons for not telling people what to do with their life, what does intuition say to you regarding such a matter? I await you sharing your voice of wisdom, that which comes to you. Any snippet of wisdom, a shared revelation, may prove to be a missing piece of the puzzle where the overall picture is not yet clear for me. While I mention the feeling of torment, there are moments in my head where I am silently screaming. Never did I imagine that coming to serve my friend (my mother) would have such an impact on me. In a nutshell, I just don't think I want to return to what I feel as depressing to some degree.

[amd1953]

Hello therising,

I sense that this is the most focused post from you yet.   A cry for help too.   With all of your pent-up emotion, perhaps it would be better to discuss your situation with a trained professional.   Only a suggestion.   I feel out of my depth even reading what you wrote.   It just brings home only too concisely how much people suffer within themselves and nobody else would know what torments they endure.   

I wish that I had experienced a better relationship with my family who are now all gone.   In a strange way, I love them for being my family, but I also hold them responsible for making my life a drudge and a misery.   To bring a child into this world and then expect him to swim against the tide defies logic.   My parents and I never seemed to be a family and the scant memory I have is of being more apart than together.   I wonder what attracted them in the first place.   I know that I was the product of a spinsterish fling on my mother's part and as for my father, well, you know what men are like I am thinking.  But as parents they were truly woeful, and we were an accident waiting to happen.   My parents finally divorced when I was ten years of age.   In later years, my mother and grandmother, who I lived with until I joined the ADF, turned out to be manipulative monsters.   I'm sorry to use such harsh words but it is the truth of the matter.   The rest of my life has been so pointless and chaotic that I consider myself lucky to be where I am today.   My early life was passable to a point until the bullying began, and I couldn't understand why they were picking on me.   Now I see it as the line of least resistance.   It is safer to pick on someone who has no friends and no natural sense of defending himself.   Two horrible marriages on top of it all was like the sour lemon icing on the cake.   This is why I have adapted so well to living alone because there is no noise of other people, no incessant, meaningless and destructive chatter filling the void.   We have few choices in this life.   Society forces us to attend school and then we are expected to engage in paid employment to support ourselves and whoever is madly clinging to us.   I absolutely love my life now.   This is how it should have been all along.   I love my peace and solitude, but I am never alone because I have in constant mind the tragedy of a life that preceded this time.   I had to wait 65.5 years before I could enjoy my own live the way that I want to live it.

amd1953

[therising]

Hi amd1953

It's strange how hindsight offers so much clarity but at the time, when we're actually facing a variety of challenges, nothing at all seems terribly clear. I suppose that's a part of life's learning; it's not until we're eventually seriously tested or led to examination that we're forced to recall what we learned and how we learned it. My heart goes out to you, with so many of your lessons or experiences in life being so incredibly painful and/or deeply challenging. In the so-called 'school of hard knocks', for some folk there just seem to be no school holidays. Just way too much hard work.

I was speaking to my mother today and mentioned to her my dilemma. I told her of my usual meditation I do, where I go into my imagination to seek some form of guidance. I may have mentioned it before. Apologies for my poor memory if I have. I leave reality behind me and enter through a little white picket gate into my imagination. On the other side of this gate is a path that weaves its way through a beautiful forest. In the middle of the forest is where my imagined sage lives (a cross between Dumbledore from Harry Potter and Gandalf from Lord of the Rings). Very sage-like indeed. I enter the little cottage to typically find my sage waiting for me and my question. We sit in comfortable armchairs either side of a warm fireplace or we sit together at a little dining table. Then I either see or hear what naturally comes to mind in the way of an answer to my question. But this time it was different. When I did this meditation after posting on here this morning, I walked in to find not just my sage sitting at the table but my Nanna as well (my Mum's mother). In my imagination she spoke to me. It was something along the lines of 'You wish to do what my daughter did for me when I needed someone the most in my latter years. You deeply wish to care for your mother, my daughter, so care for her in ways that serve her best if that is your wish'. So, it has gone from 'What should I do?' to 'What is my deepest wish?'. I can now see quite clearly how I can grant everyone's wish, especially my own. In hindsight, it wasn't about what's 'right' or 'wrong', it was about what I truly wish for.

When you speak of serving others and the toll it can take over time (when you're so used to putting yourself last), few ever say 'What is it that you wish for?'. When we're so busy granting everyone else's wish, we can forget to grant our own. With your wish to be free from those who can make life a misery, I'm glad you came to grant it. While I find there to be both a bright side and a dark side to solitude, on the bright side it is a beautiful thing to come to love our own company as we discover the best in ourself.

[amd1953]

Hello therising,

Yes, the benefit of hindsight after the fact is a truly wondrous thing.   The alternatives might be to gaze into a crystal ball or consult the Oracle at Delphi.   I daresay that most people would think that they are making the right choice at the time that they make it.   As long as they have sufficient time to research the possibilities.   Choice is always a dangerous proposition.   I tend to err on the side of caution or at least delay any kind of a decision for as long as possible.   I thought I would like to have new carpet fitted in a bedroom and the lounge.   After almost two weeks of weighing up the pros and the cons, I have almost talked myself out of it.   I would have new carpet in the rooms, but it would also cost x amount of dollars.   When I consider the cost, I want to forget it.   How strange!

It is always refreshing to have someone to talk to and confide our greatest fears.   I never had anyone at all like that when I was growing up, so everything had to be considered.   No angels on the shoulder for this little black duck.   When you think about it, life is a bit of a gamble, isn't it?   There are few certainties and no guarantees.     I'm not sure who said that historically, but it does make sense.

I have been reading some books on the philosophy of Mathematics.   Abstract ideas and Greek philosophers.  Although I am just beginning to get the gist of it.   What a pity we can't use a mathematical formula to solve our personal problems.   We could always get the right answer.   Have you ever seen the move A Beautiful Mind?   I love the movie soundtrack.   It's right up there with Field of Dreams and Castaway.   I wish I had taken more notice when I was a child.   It would have made the rest of my life so much better.   I remember, I had this tendency to think all I had to do was show up and everything would be fine.   What a deluded little soul, I was.   No wonder the world turns away from me on a regular basis.   I think it is showing its disdain for the village idiot.  🙂

amd1953