Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Emotions26]

Hello  amd writer of letters

I am on my phone which I dislike typing on.

Loved the comment a conversation should be a gift freely bestowed rather than one expected.

Spontaneity

I wish that more people in the world viewed conversations exactly like that.

There would be more natural smiles and less loneliness.

Less aggression

More hellos

Less sadness and hurt

More acceptance

Decreased levels of depression and anxiety

More enthusiasm and optimism

Perhaps I am dreaming and have awoken now

My blues are back

I am unable to go backwards and forwards on the screen. Unable to respond to your letters tonight.

Will reply as soon as I can

I hope also that you are not in too much pain with your back

Music can bring such joy.

I am listening to some flute music as I try to go to sleep now

I hope that you have a restful sleep

Em 

night dreams bringing calm

above attempted to compose and send last night on phone and apparently did not work

greeted me now with the option load or discard.

I went with load

hopefully  does not confuse

will respond in next letter to arrive with more

em 26 not only persistent, confusing as well. Perplexing?

[Emotions26]

Well just wrote mid length reply which flowed nicely.

Inadvertently closed down all open tabs of browser.

Have to go and shower, ready myself for family gathering.

Will try again when I can.

apologies about these messups

que sera sera

sono io

ciao amico di penna

em ventisei

[Emotions26]

Hello amd

I am truly sorry for not being able to write a decent response to you.

Sadly the nature of most of us being on the forums is that there are periods of time where for whatever reasons; it is just beyond our capability to respond with something of any substance during that period.

Our style of writing to each other brings me joy and I do spend time thinking about how I will respond to your letters.

Having said that I do think about every other person I write to also although those posts are more about how I am feeling than allowing my mind to run wild and imagination to flow when I write to you.

I had started to do that on Saturday night and then closed down the whole browser instead of the word document which meant I lost all that I had written to you.

I was very tired and did not have the strength to open up my imaginative side again.

Since then I have written spasmodically on other posts.

I want to respond to you as though I am writing a letter with news that hopefully lightens your heart as your letter lighten mine.

There is an unspoken sharing of feeling and thinking about how life and people have played a greater role in our lives leading us to ponder and write in a style where meaning rests between the words as we share our wonder of language.

My dreaded "d" in my post Do not feed the monster is hovering very closely and consumes most of my energy and thinking strategies to keep it at bay.

This is why I cannot write with ease presently.

I also do not want to affect you as I know that you mentioned you prefer your own company these days.

I did smile at the very high hedge and bordering nature keeping you safe from the nosey ones.

Please do take care

Who knows you might have a small book prepared for me that you can send me page by page when I return.

Having said all of the above you might also want to put your own boundaries in place and not wait for responses from strangers.

Whatever your choice is I will respect your decision.

Thank you for writing to me this far.

Much appreciated

pen friend Em

[amd1953]

Hello Em26,

Please don't feel that you have to maintain a constant flow of conversation to me.   I am very patient and I value the time that you give to me every time you write something on here.   We have to allow ourselves to heal otherwise what is the point of anything?   I'll keep writing and you just jump in when you are ready.   Whenever that might be.   It is entirely up to you.   At the moment I am thinking about the people who shaped my life whether for good or bad.   I don't like thinking about my past but I seem to do it anyway.   If I could just shut off the self-analyzing for a while that would give me some respite.   There have not been that many good influences in my life, especially as a child.   I was expected to learn everything I need to and get on with it without bothering anyone else in the process.   I could have used a good father figure but I suppose that was too much to ask for.   I have always thought how good it would be if we came into this world already equipped with the essential survival skills.   It woud certainly save a lot of time.   Perhaps it is true that some of us have to endure pain and suffering to appreciate what we have in later life.   That is certainly how it is for me.   Every negative thing that I have ever been through in the past has culminated in the years that I have left.   Kind of like a baptism of fire if you will.   We are not all meant to be heroes in the crusades are we?   If there is a meaning to life I have never been able to find it.   Other people say that we have to find our own meaning but I've had to pass on that one too.   It had better happen soon because quickly running out of time.   What was it that Jane Austen wrote?  "The more I see of the world, the more I am dissatisfied with it."   Something like that anyway.   You can't always look on the bright side if there is nothing there to sustain it.  I need a light at the end of the tunnel.   A sign of some kind.   Once again, perhaps I am asking too much.   Well, I'm beginning to feel sleepy so I'm going to hit the hay.   I hope you find the rest you need, mon ami!

Regards amd

[Emotions26]

Hello amd

Lovely to find a letter waiting for me. Thank you so much.

I very much appreciate your telling me that you are very patient and value the time that I give to you every time that I write something on here. That is a lovely way to thank someone using those very words.

Well, mon ami I think that you underestimate how much you give when you write to someone.

I have not read those words before from anyone.

Has your possibly traumatic upbringing and life journey left you with a low self esteem? Would certainly be understandable if so. That is the aftermath of thoughtless; uncaring and worse; actions; words of others.

I had a very unusual upbringing myself and part of the impact on myself, I now realise is because I am an extremely sensitive and deep person. Had I been 75% less sensitive and deep, I probably would have not felt anywhere near as wounded. Then again who can actually ever know.

I know speaking for myself that I cannot erase those feelings; possibly memories completely. I do try to tell myself that they have hurt me for long enough now. I try to say that I do not have to hold onto them any longer.

They are what they are, in the past. Sounds simple. Is  far from. Is starting to keep my dreaded "d"  more at bay though for longer periods at times. I have days of reprieve. I did have far longer breaks before. Life has just been unkind again and again and well all of us here on the forums know how our minds respond to that!

Some days I am starting to notice my efforts at focussing on  what I do have still, as in capabilities; senses; possibilities that are not materialistic purely based on existing in life.

This focussing is becoming more pronounced and easier to pick up on. A bit like fine tuning a sound system.

Just a thought. You might think ridiculous. If so is not an issue.

When you read this letter and next go outside, will you look around and take note of everything in nature that you see and let me know in your next letter? I will do the same.

Ciao mio amico

Fun using another language

Em

[amd1953]

Buenos Dias Em26,

I hope this missive finds you well and rested.   Traumatic upbringing and life journey?   Perhaps not as traumatic as some.   I think a better word would be toxic.   In many respects I only have myself to blame.   Therefore, I have no right to complain.   I am my parents’ son.   If they are strangers, how can anyone expect to know who I am?   I never knew them myself.   I am the sum of everything they never were or aspired to be.   But we all fade away into oblivion if no one can remember us after we are gone.   It all sounds very depressing, but the truth often is.

Yesterday I became a university student.   Albeit a distant one.   The thought of being a bachelor again was very enticing.   A bachelor’s degree and that will be as far as I would wish to take it.   It will serve no purpose other than to give me something to do in my twilight years.   Oh, to be a student, now that winter’s here!  

I would much prefer to be a struggling writer, hidden away in my lonely garret, somewhere in Paris during the twenties or thirties.   An occasional glass of red wine and a slice of bread and cheese would keep me going very nicely.   The sights and sounds of the local café and accordion music playing softtly in the background.   The slightly muted sound of nearby earnest conversations as I surreptitiously make observations in my notebook on life and lost love.   Ah yes, such simple pleasures of a nameless nobody.   No claims to fame and no prospect of ever improving my chances of being considered normal.   A flaneur.   An idle observer of human folly with no intent other than to stroll through life at a snail’s pace.   Absorbing as little as possible as it unfolds in the dark alleyways of the mind.   Truth is always present behind closed doors!!

I rarely leave my house these days, but I will try to provide you with a subjective observation of my immediate natural surroundings.   I could, in fact, describe it without setting foot outside.   But that would be cheating!  Nothing is ridiculous and therefore not an issue.  

It is passed 4 am now and I need to freshen up the hay and get another couple of hours of sleep.   I have a busy day ahead of doing nothing in particular.

Abschied fürs Erste.

AMD

[Emotions26]

Molto bene, mio amico    amd

Congratulazioni

Ti saluto con un bicchiere di vino rosso

I am so pleased for you and proud of you.

Your writing certainly does deserve to be read by others. Whatever you study and you need not divulge, I know that your style of writing will shine through.

You must be feeling absolutely stoked. I certainly hope that you will allow yourself to. I know that you are very hard on yourself. How do I notice this? I am the same way with myself; yet not with others.

Yes it would go hand in hand staying in a loft of a building where a small shuttered window opens outwards overlooking the cobbled road beneath. Waking to the sounds of movement as locals transport their produce to markets or peddle their wares on the sidewalk.

I can smell the freshly baked bread; slabs of cheese and oh must have some olives. Can you smell the strong aroma of caffe from the nearby cafe wafting over?

The observer; listener; flaneur gathering your beginnings of new words to be scribed onto paper.

My thoughts are that this bachelor degree will serve far more than you allow your mind to imagine. New beginnings. New energy. New challenges. A new door is opening. This is life.

You mentioned that you might describe what you see when you next venture outside as not needing to go outside to do that. Another smile brought to my face. Thank you. Looking out of the windows??

ah but I want you to feel the air as you  venture outside. Listen to what is out there.

I heard ravens and magpies. Sometimes kookaburras visit my very old gum tree. A child's voice in the distance. I smelt burning possibly a wood stove. Unfortunately someone in the area sometimes burns toxic substances and I have to come inside. So infuriating. I love the smell of a fire or woodstove though. Have built many an inside and outside campfire over the years. I saw many colours of flowers and so many variants of shades of green of foliage. Some silver. Fallen gum leaves and bark.

No fruit or vegetables to pick and taste unfortunately. On my list.

Gosh you do stay up late. 4am in the morning!

Ciao scrittore

em

ps

I thought that I might change the theme and add a little twist to our love of language.

Your response totally outdid mine.

Two different languages in one reply. Showing off?

Wonderful  stuff.

I have studied a little foreign language over the years when younger.

So I try to dabble and get them muddled up.

Have you learnt any german or spanish and or travelled to either of those countries?

[amd1953]

Good Morning Em26,

Thank you so much for all the praise recently.   I am not used to such adulation.   I feel like a rockstar.   Albeit one who cannot sing or play a musical instrument.

Yes, I do keep weird hours.   I seem to come alive as the evening wears on and then into the early hours of the morning.   It must be to try and squeeze as much life out of the rapidly disappearing time that has been allotted to me on this journey through the six dimensions.   No doubt Doctor Who could give me a few hints and tips on survival methods and how to build a new Tardis.

I must confess that the limited knowledge I have of languages other than English results from casual reading rather than any serious study.  

I did step outside yesterday for a few minutes and what I saw and heard reminded me of how much this place means to me.   It is my Camelot and my Camusfearna all rolled into one.   My bastion and my bulwark against the rest of the world.   I am afraid that it might take more than one “stepping out” to satisfy your curiosity. 

As for my degree, it is an Arts course with a major in philosophy with politics and sociology as minors.   The electives will no doubt be whatever takes my fancy at the time.  

Until we meet again

amd

[Emotions26]

Good evening Scholar amd

Your choice in subject learning is very interesting and also will allow you plenty of opportunity to write much.

The philosophy and philosophy interest me also.

Rockstar of course you can rock at writing.

I can’t sing but it does not stop me when on my own of course. Sometimes the cat looks even grumpier or perhaps he has a headache.

I have a classical guitar that I started learning when I turned 40. Work and travelling along with domestic stuff, busy years interrupted my enthusiasm. 
Perhaps you are a night owl and have been travelling for centuries. You will have much to write.

It is very heartwarming to read that you again felt the connection and magnetism that draws you to your home. That is special.

You do have value in where you live and value in yourself.

You have not been told that very often.

I do not say it for the sake of it either. You have some gifts to share with this world. Allow yourself to feel that as you continue to write.

Camusfearna I shall look up another time.

So did you step outside and what did you notice; smell; hear?

Am tired tonight

Em

[Emotions26]

Hello amd

Apologies about the bold lettering

obstinate keyboard on mobile

finally cancelled it.

Not meant to read philosophy philosophy although sounds rather nice.

Meant to state sociology.

Yes tiredness is showing.

Goodnight

Em