Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Emotions26]

Hello amd1953

Your reply was very kind and considerate.

I will reply when have time to log into computer desktop not mobile that I am using now.

So nice to have found a person who shares the same love of writing and words. You welcome truth.

I love drama

I love depth in conversation

I am a realist at the same time.

I very much appreciated you letting me know that you will answer my posts within reason of course(the realist)

Emotions 26

[Emotions26]

Hello Whight Knight

I enjoy writing to amd1953

for many reasons; several already expressed.

I do recognise also that you are encouraging them to look at other posts- spread out.

This is how it should be.

I do not intend to discourage spreading movement t away from here.

It is also nice for me to talk to a person via this platform as a real person appreciating who they really are.

Hope that makes sense

I also read some of your thread 

Interesting and helpful in particular for those nomadic people amongst us.

I do look at other posts also. Not wanting to spread my wings too far. Conserving my energy and time as well as supporting some others occasionally.

[Emotions26]

Hello amd1953

I am using the computer desktop so hopefully not too many issues will arise.

computers do not like me though so I am hesitant in upsetting the machine before I write too much.

Back to your last letter ( I hope that you do not mind me calling your responses letters)

I wish the world would go back to letter writing,

People would actually use real words instead of a whole new list of editions to editions of whatever dictionary that now attempts to interpret the whole new world of new language.

Letters do not contain limited words that are normally questions?

what time?

where?

what day again?

They also don't contain photoshopped or whatever the latest buzz term is photographs of people looking up towards something on the ceiling sucking in their cheeks and their face immersed in fog. The person looking 20 years older when you actually catch up with them. They are not good with eye contact either. Do they not realise?

Enough moaning.

I had to smile when I read your words:

It is rare to find someone with an even temperament and willing to converse and be friendly.  Sometimes it seems too much to expect because a lot of people don't have much spare time for anyone else. 

My response to that is that it is extremely rare to find someone who wants to listen to more than hello , how are you? without launching into some egotistic boring reply.

Most people do not listen to me as I have a very soft tone, which means extra work for them. They overtalk me or interrupt me. I have also been told that I take too long when I speak. I pause. I actually breathe and swallow and on top of that think about what I am about to say next in response.

Yes I am rare.

I can tell that you are a good listener also though.

I am wondering if you too read between the lines.

Yes, truth is a rare commodity and not welcomed by most.

Then again I grew up being told that I was aloof!

I was actually listening, observing and thinking!!

I do not like labels or being put into boxes or anything that resembles that kind of thinking.

So that is another distancing traffic light.

Add my very dry humour that 99% of people miss.

Occasionally I have been told oh you are very funny. I have to say that is my turn to look surprised. You mean you understood that was my humour?

all of the above sounds dramatic as you said.

For me, like yourself I am a realist as well as a deep thinker, as well as a listener, as well as a questioner, as well as persistent. Persistence is a more suitable word for me than resilient.

I also discover new concepts, thinking and occasionally opportunities.

New opportunities can go astray when the people at the head do not like "truth and all of the abovementioned laugh"

Well I can't say that I am navigating the forums adequately quite yet.

Rome was not built in a day.

Time to move away from the computer as am stiffening up from being on here too many hours.

Back to my book that I told you about which swings from being unrealistic, or read through rose lens glasses as you stated to having surprising twists which keep me reading.

It is a trilogy and the second of the three. I am nearly finished; looking forward to reading the third.

Then time to switch to a new author.

I hope that your wilderness has some beautiful trees and plants with animals, birds, wildlife of some sort.

Nature and the animal, bird kingdom are such great company when looking for quiet; peace and solitude.

Take care

Emotions26 plus

[amd1953]

Hello Emotions26 plus,

I'm wondering what the plus stands for.  I would like to think that it stands for positive.   I copied your post into Word and then printed it out on paper so that I could refer to it as I wrote my reply.   I thought that was rather clever of me.   I think that computers contain an early form of AI and already come cantankerous.    I have no objection to you calling them letters.   Sounds better than post, doesn't it?   I remember the days when that was all there was; letters in envelopes with stamps on them.   My how the times change!   I would gladly return to the days of the horse if it practical but I think its a bit late for that.   My grandmother told me that she used to deliver mail in a pony and trap when she was young.   Language today seems to consist of abbreviations and emojis.   I must be showing my age with that comment.   I'm not sure what it is with people these days.   We all seem to be a bit suspicious of one another.   I suppose I can understand to a point but even so we're not all axe-murderers or con artists but it pays to have your head screwed on the right way.   Your observation about talking v. listening is a valid point indeed.   Perhaps they are all just to busy to listen and then too shy to talk.   I'm not sure on that one.   I know exactly what you mean with the overtalk and interruptions.   Perhaps they think what they have to say is more important.   Conversation seems a lost art never likely to return in my view.   Just send an SMS and leave it at that.   The English language is surely at risk here.   Perhaps someone will instigate a minor revolution followed by a renaissance.   I try to be a good listener and thank you for the compliment.   Reading between the lines always pays off for me.   Doesn't everyone do that? 🙂   

Truth is being replaced by blatant lies and misinformation.   I like to check my sources these days if something is actually true before I take it on board.   People love labels.   Even if they are incorrect and subjectively applied with wallpaper paste.   Dry humour is priceless.   I find it most effective in serious situations.   Thats why it is good to listen to what people have to say.   Missing those priceless little gems would be catastrophic.   

Persistence with anything is something to be valued and admired.   

Thank you for writing such a long and interesting letter.   I appreciate it very much.

I feel a bit like Tom Hanks in "You've Got Mail" but I am no businessman or a millionaire.

You don't own a children's bookshop by any chance?   

May you live long and prosper.

[Emotions26]

Hello amd

Well spotted with the 26 plus. You are astute as well which I had already imagined that you might be.

I realised whilst responding somewhere that the number 26 next to user name emotions could represent that I have 26 emotions which is overwhelming to consider. Goodness knows where that might lead me.

Then I added plus following through with that unusual, hard to detect, dry humour that I have.

I laugh at myself often. A trait of mine that has been my saving  grace. Perhaps it was my go to reaction in response to criticism and judgement from my mother and sister growing up.

Following through to feeling awkward which is a natural response just highlighted when you have been singled out by own family and making wrong choices with people. Sensitivity and sensory perceptions; empathy; compassion taking over.

I work hard at maintaining the health of my mind and tackle past issues when in a healthy mindset.

This works for me. This is ongoing. This is fine by me. It is who I am.

Back to your letter (I agree softer than post which my mind reads as a verb still)

The mention of artificial intelligence – I did a search and found the definition: holding huge promise and peril. I like that.

Interesting piece of history for you to hold about your grandmother and how wonderful that she was able to share that with you. She would have loved reliving those memories. I imagine that you would have felt captivated listening.

Abbreviated language I think is a fallout from speed; haste; fast production;

It certainly has affected listening as texting, instagramming, bloqqing, twittering, tweeting, facebooking and a million other technological transmissions have taken over.

The world is moving at such a face pace through technology, science, research, manufacturing, production that type of communication slots in to keep up.

People born into this age group cannot understand what on earth I am talking about.

I also appreciate that I am history really. Then again I love history. Without history people would not be here today.

Without history they would not have everything that they think that they need and must have now.

Not everyone is like this. A vast majority are. There is a huge sense of entitlement growing sadly.

I acknowledge all of this and let it be. I can still listen, read and write, count, know my times tables and avoid using  calculators.

Suspicions around others are rising as a result of all of the above.

Once physical connection and communication fades; suspicion grows. The unknown.

I can tell the difference when people are shy, or not at ease talking to being self centred and in some cases rude and ignorant.

Laugh at your pun – doesn’t everyone read between the lines. Many people skim read or glance over pages.

Many will see a lengthy response and move on.

The internet is a tricky place to rely on sourcing information.

Am still laughing at the incorrect labels  subjectively applied with wallpaper paste.

Spot on with dry humour and listening.

We are back to the underlying content of your whole “post” I think – Listening

A person has to listen intently to another and observing dead pan expression helps when can of course; to be able to pick up the dry humour.  They have to be quick.

So lovely to be thanked for writing a long reply. Let alone kindly referred to as a letter. Then the icing on the cake to read the words that it was interesting.

Topped off with your appreciating it very much.

Warmed the cockles of my heart – from latin origins

Thank you so much in return.

People come into our lives for a reason even those who respond to letters.

It is such a lovely feeling for anyone, let alone those who travel to the Beyond Blue world, to receive words of appreciation.

Can I nominate you for an award?

As for owning a children’s bookshop by any chance.  Well you do read between the lines.

In my mind and on the dusty overcrowded shelves of my bookcase are some absolute delights.

I have found some old treasures in interesting old bookshops.

Some children’s books are a magical journey for adults to read.

I hope to prosper;  not sure about how long I want to live. Still pondering on that one.  Focussing more on how I live and well see where that takes me

Ps

You have more mail

[amd1953]

Hello Em26+

Ah yes, most important to not take yourself too seriously.   I couldn't agree more.   It's an important part of staying well and learning to forgive yourself for all of the terrible sins you've allegedly committed.   If I listened to all of my detractors over the decades, I would have gone toes vertical a long time ago.   As it happened, I have learned more about myself and other people from my failures rather than my own successes.   Life is not what you make it, it is what other people allow you to make it based on their hidden agendum.   It pays to be strong in this life rather than let them have their own way all the time.   It's a simple matter of principle.   If someone can pull the wool over your eyes, they'll do it just for the sake of it.   And it can be anyone at all, even so-called educated professional people who you would think might be the last people to be sarcastic and spiteful.   I just feel sorry for them because they appear to lack the basic empathy and humanity that would make life just that little less bitter.   But I guess that nothing would be the same if it wasn't for the gossipers and the haters working their poison behind the scenes.   It pays dividends not to take the bait but just avoid all of the negativity and live your life as best you can without relying on anyone else for acceptance or approval.   If the good genie granted me the chance to go back and edit my life to make it better, I wouldn't waste my time on trying to attain perfection just to please others who are not.   Just my humble opinion.   Be your own person and be true to yourself.   

[Emotions26]

hello amd

I am sorry that my letter is late. It is a sign of how listless I have been feeling.

Many of us who have suffered so much at the hands of others over a long period of time experience this feeling from time to time, as our body reminds us to be king to ourselves. Meant to read kind to ourselves.

I was just about to edit and then thought I rather like "be king" to ourselves. Far more powerful. I love playing with words. What do you think?

 I too use microsoft word to draft longer replies and then copy, paste. Takes forever. I can see your letter and respond to what you have written that way.

I read between the lines that your last letter had less energy perhaps Despondent or exhausted weary. I hope that those feelings have now at least begun to pass. Mine come and go as they please always uninvited. Pesky things.

You wrote

Terrible sins allegedly committed. Depends on which once trusted person you I or anyone else is  was listening to on any given day really.

My thoughts. I have not committed any sins. I have fallen into traps of believing others to be more compassionate and humane. I have made the mistake of thinking that others have the same values as I do which I follow through with no matter. I have learnt from the mistakes of others and my own, from having; what I now clearly  see as unrealistic expectations.

I have learnt it is me who has the choice as to whether they can still get inside my head and lead me down the pathway of self sabotage.

These days I work very hard at telling myself very concisely that I choose who gets into my thoughts. The ones that I do not choose can go elsewhere. They are no longer welcome.

Sounds like witchcraft. Seems similar as it does feel almost as though they cast spells and weave their wicked; conniving ways. If it helps picture them as witches and or warlocks flying off into the horizon on their broomsticks.

These people are incapable of compassion empathy forgiveness. They feel that they are far superior than others and people are there to meet their needs glorify them in all their grandiosity.

They seek people like you and I to take what we have to give them as comfort as they are empty mostly. Then when they tire of us or we have nothing left to give; we are either abused even more or discarded. Escaping from these people is the hardest thing to do. The work is ongoing. Achievable.

Gossipers and haters do not get to stay in my company for very long. They never have. Hence why I have never been a group friend. I think that I mentioned I have been labelled as aloof by several people over the years.

I am not a sheep.

Again as always in response to whatever I write; no need to reply if not your style of thinking.

As for perfection. I deleted that word from my dictionary decades ago. There is no such thing in my world.

Be the best that you can be and do the best that you can. Be true to myself oh yes I am believing and following this line of thinking. Vital.

On a brighter note. How is your writing progressing Am I allowed to ask whether or not you are writing a book Fiction Biography Autobiography Research paper Study. Or would you prefer I leave the subject alone?

I have written my own thoughts on paper over the years. Sometimes 12 pages at a time. I have kept many of these A5 books and loose sheets.

I also started writing a diary from a very young age daily.Thrown out for fear of being found and read. I then became bored with that concept and started writing randomly in a diary. Then progressed to beautiful hard back books for notes that I had been given. I now have amassed a multitude of varying forms of collections of my words.  Some people have said "oh you journal". No I write.

Attempts at songwriting poetry which I believe is rubbish even though it bursts with emotion.

I can only write when my thoughts flow from my mind to paper. If I sat down with the intention of writing, my mind would be blank.

You mentioned that you have several hobbies. Would you care to share or are you preferring to maintain more privacy I do understand either way.

Well, amd I bid you adieu until I receive another letter.

Em26

May you feel peace

[Emotions26]

A quick footnote

amd

I had to go back several times and remove most punctuation, paragraphs even some sentences.

So my letter appears as a solid block of words.

hard to read I imagine.

5000 words hmm not hard for someone like me to achieve.

I do hope that you do no get a headache.

bye for now

em26

[amd1953]

Greetings Em26,

No need to be sorry for anything.   A conversation should be a gift freely bestowed rather than one expected.   I too have been feeling well below par lately and I think it is the change in the seasons.   Suffering of any kind is not a pleasant experience but I hear it is supposed to make us stronger.   

"Let us all be monarchs of our own destiny.   Kings and Queens till the end of time."   Be a King if you wish.

I think I would make a better peasant than a king.   If I could sing, I would be a wandering minstrel.

Words are the wind beneath our wings.   No mistake about it.   They have the power to heal and to wound.

Some people throw them around without thinking.    Less energy?   You might be right there.   I'm not always at the top of my game.   I have a backbone that is gradually disintegrating.  It crunches and clunks like the old warhorse I am.   But I do try to show a brave face.   Doesn't always work for me.   Add to that a neck injury I received in a car accident a few years ago and you have a recipe for some well-used epithets.   Nevertheless, I shall march bravely on into the fog of pain and suffering armed with my pain meds and my unfaltering will to live.

We all have our stories to tell don't we?   Some are more interesting than others.   But they are still our narratives.

Yes, thoughts are the last bastion of our own freedom as far as I am concerned.   The final frontier against the invaders of our sanity.   Sometimes I am my own worst enemy.   Reliving experiences that should be buried and forgotten.

I've known a few witches and warlocks in my time.   

Compassion and forgiveness?   Now there are two words I haven't heard spoken together in some time.  Empathy makes a perfect trinity.   

I am surrounded by gossipers and haters.   Fortunately, the property boundaries and a very tall hedge at the front provide adequate cover for a fugitive from evil.   Be gone all ye demons from this place.   Be gone I say.

As for my writing.   Well, it is a passion rather than a pastime.   I'm afraid I might fade away without ever recording how I felt about things.

Well, that's enough nonsense from me.

May the sun shine warm upon your face.

amd

[amd1953]

Postscript

One has to be careful how one uses one words doesn't one?   Otherwise, one might be misunderstood or even misquoted.   Heaven forbid!   One has to watch out for the inevitable problems that might arise through an erroneous selection of the King's language.   Well, it was some monarch or other.   Or am I thinking of the King James Bible?   There is another piece of astounding literary prowess in an otherwise bleak landscape of chaos and destruction.   But then again Coleridge and Keats were only mortal bards who penned impassioned lines of prose for our delectation.  I was listening to a John Denver song this afternoon entitled Sweet Surrender.   Lost and alone on some forgotten highway, traveled by many, remembered by few.   Ah what a classic that is.   I only wish I could write lines like that.   You know, I can really understand why lemmings do what they do.   Nature provides us with some harsh realities as well as conundrums.   It makes the impossible prospect of world peace just that less untenable.  Mankind prefers conflict to peace, there seems to be more money in it.   Why is it always the good guys against the bad guys and why won't they wear black and white cowboy hats any more to show us who they are.   Perhaps they are not even sure themselves.

@peace Em