Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[amd1953]

Good Morning Em26,

I stepped outside again yesterday due to necessity rather than empirical observation.   I saw a hopelessly chaotic garden in need of some attention but that is another rather superficial story.   Not worth repeating here.   I heard a few lively bird songs and the rush of the traffic past my home.   Nothing at all to excite the senses.   However, I demand nothing from my immediate environment, and it owes me nothing.   I let nature take whatever course it chooses.   I did smell the damp earth which is always a trigger for memories of long ago when I was a child.   A vivid cascade of good, bad and ugly thoughts which are probably best left uncovered.   No sooner had I stepped outside than it was time to return to the comfort of my abode.   It all happened in the blink of an eye and yet it was a familiar exercise.   I usually pay little attention to exterior detail when I am in the throes of hibernation.   I am like the badger in The Wind in the Willows.   Usually good natured but often suspicious of people knocking on my door in the middle of the night.   One has to be familiar with the book to be able to appreciate the dry wit there.   Experience has taught me that being good-natured is not always an advisable course of action.   But it is what it is.

Adieu, parting is such sweet sorrow

amd

[Emotions26]

Hello again amd,

I am not feeling the best today.

I do want to reply to you though and will try my best to tap into my sense of humour.

I laughed when I read your last letter.

I do love your dry humour.

Stepping outside due to necessity rather than empirical observation sounds like words out of a Terry Pratchett novel.

I am intrigued to know more about the superficial story in relation to the chaotic garden. Has a mind of it's own and replants itself without asking first? Pervades areas where you want to walk through?

The harmonies of the lively birdsongs combined with rush of passing traffic must have been an enticement to linger and meditate within your rambling garden even longer.

Not so sure about the damp earth however where I see the word trigger, I leave it alone.

Timing incredible isn't it when clearly luxuriating in the immediate environment that you demand nothing from only to realise that you can hurriedly return to the comforts of your abode.

Happening in a blink of an eye described as a familiar "exercise" drew a smile on my face.

I am familiar with Wind in the Willows although my memory does not allow me to remember famous quotes.

Another children's book that offers deep meaning in particular to some adults.

I myself went out for an hour's walk the other day and soaked in nature.

My environment actually has a huge effect on me.

I need to be near trees and water.

I live within such an area. Peace and quiet. Mostly.

I also love the ocean but not the crowds that populate the beaches.

I love swimming in the ocean and walking through the edge of the water as the tide flows in and out smelling the beautiful sea air.

Nature is my saviour.

Well that is me.

Until my next letter arrives in the post.

Stay dry and warm.

Ciao

Em

[amd1953]

Good Evening Em,

Sorry to hear that you are not feeling well.   I hope that you rise above it all.   I have days when I'm not feeling the best.   I tried to read a Terry Pratchett novel once but I didn't get very far with it.   I think it was about witches and it involved wee folk.   I think that is what they were called.   I have two large block of land.   One has a house on it and the other one is sort of my bastion against the rest of the world.   It is just a vacant block.   I don't have the motivation to get outside much anymore so it all looks a bit wild and chaotic but it isn't too bad.   At least it gives the local flora and fauna a place to live unmolested.   I have neighbours all around me, but they have found reasons not to talk to me, so they leave me alone.   Being a country town there is plenty of room between us and I have a lot of bushes and trees planted at strategic locations.   Some of them close to my house were cut down when I had a heat pump installed last year.      

I find most people very confusing.   It is something that I have carried with me for a very long time.   I sometimes wonder if I had been someone else whether I could have expected anything different from life.   I somehow doubt it but I can dream can't I?   Well, that is enough waffling from me.   Take care and TTFN.

amd

[Emotions26]

Good evening to you tonight amd

Have you been busy writing today?

I finished the library books that I needed to. The thing about a good book is when you get near to the end and cannot wait to get there. Then there is nowhere left to go. Have to find another book.

I will search my bookcase gingerly for fear of being hit on the head by something.

The weather has been wild here and I have not been able to go outside at all. This affects my state of mind all the more. I am going out tomorrow for a family function. Actually looking forward to this one as is down at a lovely beach.

Sleep will be a contender as I have been having bad dreams; occasional nightmare again. Hard to get up when sleep deprived even though lying there makes me feel worse.

Enough moaning.

You mentioned that you  tried to read a Terry Pratchett book that involved witches and wee folks that would have been part of a special series.

He wrote separate novels and also series. One major series being discworld. You might have read The Wee Free men which is part of the discworld series. well into it though.

Start from the first book and you can always read previews online if you are interested.

This is the overview which caught my attention hook line and sinker

Discworld is a comic fantasy book series written by the English author Terry Pratchett, set on the Discworld, a flat planet balanced on the backs of four elephants which in turn stand on the back of a giant turtle.

Back to your fortress with a bastion against the world. Flora and Fauna on a separate block sounds lovely. Do you have binoculars if you do not venture outside. If you have bushes and trees strategically planted and a very high hedge at the front of your property you should be fairly safe and not deemed as a spy.

Just a thought. You might find some new material for your writing.

Then again you sound very happy with your life and set up now so who am I to continue and try to entice you outside momentarily? Vitamin D? Fresh air? The sky? Clouds? No???

I think that you wrote from the very onset you did not want to be advised on how to live your life.

So oops sorry.

Country towns have characters who want to be the first to know everything and they believe that they do know everything and they want to tell everyone.

I live hills edge of country sort of. Same mindset. I am friendly but not interested in small talk. I walk to walk, and feel my senses.

Your last statement about wondering if you had been someone else is as you then said not able to be answered.

You have become different as you have experienced life that has caused you grief and loss of sense of self.

This is actually experienced by people far more than we realise. When we are in that time frame we feel so alone. When we have therapy or research or listen to others we learn that we are no longer alone with that kind of experience.

We can still feel alone with our feelings at times and we continue to continue on to get through.

I am still not at my best and do not want the tone of my words to affect you.

I will leave it there for now.

Enjoy your hobbies.

Yes Ta Ta For now.

Em

[amd1953]

Hello Em26,

It seems to be raining all of the time but I am probably suffering from delusions of precipitation.   I only mention it because my roof has been leaking and somehow the rain has been sneaking through the sheets of corrugated roofing iron and into my bathroom ceiling near an electrical light.   Needless to say I am very wary of water and electricity combining.   Without going into unnecessary, and quite frankly, boring detail I had to get some tradesman out to patch my roof.   That happened yesterday and as it is raining as I speak, I now have to wait to see if the rain is still getting though.   It is a nerve-wracking business.   I have never felt so vulnerable to the elements in all my life.   But I suppose it is one of those problems that occur from time to time, and I just have to weather the storm.   Pun intended.    I tend to be getting about three or four hours of sleep per night and I am feeling both emotionally and physically drained.   However, I can be quite resilient at times so it will be interesting to see how I fare.   After all, it's not all about me.   It never has been and never will be.   I am living my own nightmare and subjectivity becomes exalted almost to the point of paranoia.   How can I expect to live a stress-free life when I am surrounded by people who are determined to see me mentally subjugated?   That was a rhetorical question by the way.   The stress is in my own mind and mine alone.   Will no one rid me of this troublesome priest?   (Henry II)    I have a suspicion that not having a clear mind would be detrimental to being a priest anyway.   How could one care for the sick and poor, the weak and the downtrodden?   I wish I had the power to ease the pain of everyone.   It plays on my mind like a broken record.   I have the greatest respect for nature.   I have a natural inclination for saving the planet but I am afraid I might be too late.   Anyone who holds a gun in his hand has no respect for life.   At the present time, we are all being held prisoners.   Prisoners of fear and the great unknown.   I feel the need to return to my pile of straw and rest my brain.

To the end Em26

A fond adieu but not goodbye

[Emotions26]

Hello amd

You are up early like myself

This is a quick thank you as I am running behind to get ready as usual

Ciao for now

Em

[amd1953]

Hi Em,

You are welcome.   I hope you were able to get ready for whatever you were preparing to do.   Fortunately, we hermits prefer not to have any social interaction whatsoever.   It sort of reduces our exposure to pain and suffering.   Well, it does for me anyway.   I think I have a natural gift for saying the wrong things to the wrong people at the wrong time.   However, I receive the same grief from a select range of others so it kind of evens out over the course of a year.   I work on the assumption that the less time I spend in the company of them, the greater mental stability I enjoy in my old age.   I can't imagine not being here, can you?   The closest I have come to it is being knocked out when I suffered a heart attack back in 2005.   I went out like a light and I have no idea what went on after that, until I woke up in hospital with electrodes all over my body.   But the important thing to note is that I came back to life.   I don't think I will have much of a choice in the future.   I think I will have had enough by then and will feel more inclined to "move on".   Perhaps to nothingness.   Who knows?   Anyway, I hope you are well, happy and calm.

Saluti 

[Emotions26]

Hello amd

How wonderful it is to receive your letters with that dry underlying humour ever present. When describing situations that most would describe as doomsday, you still manage to leave that droll sense of humour between every word.  You cannot begin to imagine how much this is helping me at the moment as my dreaded "d" is sadly swooping closer. Wretched insidious creton that it is. Your letters evoke an immediate chuckle that shifts the beast back a few feet.  I seriously hope that you are writing some lessons on "how not to" in whatever field of choice. You have that John Cleese touch. Do you happen to be English born or have English heritage? Once again, questions are probably verboten (my father used to say. He too had a very dry sense of humour that thankfully has carried down through to myself and other family members). 

Oh dear the rain and the roof and the ceiling and the light bulb situation. Harrowing; frightening: frustrating: profound language provoking and wet. Very wet. Weathering the storm indeed.  Somehow I feel reassured that you will not be balancing on one slippered foot of a rickety old ladder to check the roof due to your intense dislike of the outside world. One realises that the roof is outside the house of course. Unless with your intelligence you have managed to create some pop up window that allows you to peek up there and see exactly what is going on at any given moment. Still a situation frought with mishaps.  I hope that the fixing has solved the problem. I had a beautiful old house years ago with the original ceilings from 1910 still in place. At 3am ish one morning the ceiling collapsed with a mighty bang. Boy did I scream. Fortunately my insurance company sent an assessor out that day and a quick rescue mission of covering up was put into action.  This event happened when I was preparing the place for open inspection for the following 2 days!!

Hmm 3 hours sleep a night if that; is not good in the least. Have you heard of the term "sleep debt?" Your body is owed sleep and keeps a record of how much is owed. Then along comes fatigue.   Seriously please try to gradually go to bed earlier each night and reduce time on computers etc. Yes I know that you don't want to hear this. Trust me you don't want fatigue. I have had it. Not nice at all and takes ages to get over if ever. Dr Em has left and finished her consultation.

Quote  ?   I wish I had the power to ease the pain of everyone.   It plays on my mind like a broken record. 

This is my achilles heel so why am I not surprised that you carry this one also. You wrote some time back that you were told that you were too sensitive and if only you had been less sensitive  etc. We are who we are amd and this is a character trait that serves others well not always ourselves. It is also highly criticised and deemed weak by those who do not possess such compassion. They want it and cannot find it within themselves. That is our fault of course!   I am currently experiencing this overwhelming dilemma due to external family and friends illnesses. I offer my feelings of support so sincerely only to feel that they are so easily forgotten, trampled over.  Why don't I ever learn? I too am gradually decreasing the people with whom I mix. Several relatives no longer. The list is growing. Quite frankly I am reaching a stage where there are less than a handful I wish to speak with at all. These few are not the best listeners either. I notice rolling eyes and think that my aloof form of speaking the truth diplomatically and delicately is not readily welcomed either. I am supposed to only talk about what they want to hear usually this subject refers to them.

I did reach the shower successfully and arrived at destination over an hour in advance not like me at all. The rest did not. The Beach and surf was mesmerising to watch. Communication within the family is a word that they seem to ignore by choice and then state that they are stressed.

I have just read back over your last response about 2005. Your resilience and determination has kept you here thankfully. A very frightening experience to wake up to. As for a desire to move to nothingness. Do not wish that upon yourself. That is how my dreaded D feels.  I am moving to another star when I move on. Hopefully one where the inhabitants in whatever shape, form, they come have a very dry sense of humour, like listening and exchanging words as in actually having interesting, humourous conversations. Novel. I can only hope. If not I will have learnt to fly by then I shall just soar elsewhere.

Sorry about the doom gloom it comes with the dreaded d. Tell that off for me please. Hoping that you are better than this.

Ciao  Em

[amd1953]

Good afternoon Em,

Oui, je suis anglaise.   Born and bred, I am happy to say.   What was the giveaway?   My sparkling conversation or my dry wit?  Probably neither.   Haha.   I think you may have alluded to it yourself - that droll sense of humour.   Yes, now it all makes sense.   It does have a tendency to define doesn't it?   Why look on the bleak side when you can be as happy as a pig in springtime?   If I can lighten someone's day just a little then my life has not been in vain.   I will go to heaven after all.   It sounds like I am lightening your load which is very rewarding.   Don't worry about asking questions.   I don't think I have anything to hide.   Sometimes family members can be just as judgmental as anyone else.  I have suffered from my family over the years.   Part of my freedom lies in not having a family anymore.   I no longer have to endure the nonsense they used to dish out to me.   It is most liberating.   And I've only had to wait two thirds of a lifetime to achieve it.   How good is that?   I have been my own worst enemy in the past by thinking that I was the one who had to change myself to fit into this world.   All we need really is the courage to stand up against being branded a copy instead of being the unique individual we are.   That is what the herd mentality does to those of us who feel we will never fit into any society without sacrificing something about ourselves.   The annoying thing is that it never happens like that.   What we sacrifice tends to stay that way unless we are strong enough to reclaim it.   I think I may have solved my leaking roof problem.   The rain is coming through the guttering along the roof edge rather than the roofing iron itself.   Not very interesting I know but important to me.   I think it is due to rain soon so I will be able to test my theory.   Gosh, what an exciting life I lead!   Not a lot going on in my world right now but that might be a good thing in a way because I can handle the flow quite well.   I have to feel that I am coping with things for me to be reasonably happy.   Otherwise, I become a bit stressed out.   I have learned not to expect to get everything right all the time.   Allow myself a little wriggle room along the way.   Well, I have possibly waffled on far too long so I will take my leave and bid you a fond farewell.

AmD

[amd1953]

Postscript

I have to admit that I don't like this life very much.   I know that sounds a little melodramatic, but it happens to be true.   I can't see the point in hiding these thoughts because having to explain them makes them all that more real.   If I kept absolutely quiet then you might think me a dull fellow and put me back on the shelf.   Most people do that if they are uncertain of what I have to offer which isn't a great deal these days.   In the past I have always been a soul in limbo with nothing to adhere to.   If anyone had to watch a video of my life they would be horrified unless they have experienced similar events and people.   So eventually you know you can never win so you surrender.   Waving your white flag like some kind of demented street marcher.   However, these days I am a rebel without a cause and quite harmless to low flying aircraft and witches on broomsticks.   But I still like to know what is going on if I can follow it.   I still try to maintain a little decorum and pride of purpose even though I have no idea what my purpose has been.   The world is for young people with drive and ambition while older people like me adopt a role which neither proves or denies anything.  It seems a lot safer that way if you are neutral and less likely to stir the cooking pot.   I have ruined many a good recipe in my time.   But there is never any forgiveness forthcoming.   I relive my sins over and over and then wish that I could bury them forever.   Some people have made a fuss of me in the past but then the interest has subsided and we are both left with nothing except bitter memories of failure and denial.   I am so tired of playing these games but then I might learn something new.   If I thought a new life was the answer, I would probably design one.   

Waffling again

Cheers