Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Emotions26]

Hello AmD

I wrote a reasonably lengthy response to you that has floated away into never never land possibly meeting up with previous lost attempts.

I have a huge file, collection in cyberspace somewhere. Somehow I do not think that my techno skills are that advanced to allow all of these disappearing words to match up.

I am already feeling drained and as much as I  really want to respond to you, I have sat here long enough and if I were to stay any longer attempting to write more; I would pull my hair out if I lost another post.

For now

au revoir if you are in France

fini reincontractori from over in Italy

Em

Me

[amd1953]

Hello Em,

Knowing when to quit is power to you.   I have also written things on here in the middle of the night and when I have finished them, they are deleted without a moment's thought.   The next time I feel like writing, I just begin again.   Hopefully, that one makes it through.   I have got into the habit of switching the television on every morning just to have some sort of background noise.   It is a normal analog tv but with an Apple Firestick gadget that uses the internet and no tv aerial.   If you are already aware of this, I apologise.   Anyway, the point is that when I get tired of listening to strange people talking non stop for a few hours, I then turn to listening to classical music.   That is the only music I like.   But even that can get monotonous sometimes, so I just turn it off and enjoy the silence.   I don't think I could endure real people for any length of time.   It would send me into a tailspin if I was in a relationship and we were living together.   I would probably be hunting around for some excuse to use to be alone.   That is when I come alive.   Or as alive as I ever wish to be.   I have never been lonely in my life.   It seems like it has been raining for months but I probably haven't been paying attention to when it starts and stops.   I love the sound of the rain on my roof.   It makes me feel cozy and contented.   Sometimes, I have flights of fancy where I imagine myself in various situations such as living in a cave in the middle of some desert or on a deserted tropical island.   The imagination is a wonderful tool for escape.   I hope you are not feeling pressured to write these posts to me.   

Peace

amd

[Emotions26]

Hello amd

I am most definitely not feeling pressured to write these posts to you; or to respond to others.

Have no concerns about that.

I write to people because I want and choose to.

I am selective in fact, as I imagine most on here are.

I respond to those who I feel might appreciate my words.

Some do not. Is the nature of this type of communication.

Your letters to me have shown that you have appreciated my responses to you.

When I am feeling burdened by my "dreaded d" which I have written about elsewhere on here; my response probably reads differently as my thinking is altered somewhat.

Perhaps you are picking up on that.

So you like background noise as company. My sister is the same.

I differ there. I actually love silence. I also enjoy the sounds of nature on most occasions. I do not enjoy great flocks of screeching birds flying overhead or destroying trees.

The television annoys me. I record programmes that interest me for me to watch at a time that suits me. I do not feel dictated to by technology laugh.

I have never heard of an Apple Firestick. A gadget - there are many aren't there. No need to apologise when it comes to technology I openly admit I do not like it and it does not like me. Hence I have little interest in learning more about it only under sufferance when needing to.

I laughed about the tailspin scenario if you were in a relationship and living with someone.

Great that you recognise that. So many do not until it is too late.

I have to get ready for an appointment. If I have time later I will return to write more as I have said little really.

Calm

Em

[Emotions26]

Hello amd

I am so sorry as I read my response to you which was hurried and I should not have replied then as I was feeling quite agitated in myself.

The tone comes across as being quite harsh and was not my intention at all.

I am feeling quite depleted as well today. Too much going on around me again at the moment.

I will write to you another time when feeling better.

I hope that the energy your end is far lighter in mood.

Em

[amd1953]

Hello Em,

Sometimes I am lost for words and this happens to be one of those occasions.   Other times, I turn on the tap and it flows like a river.   Half way through the month of June already.   I am convinced that time passes quicker as I get older.   It might not be that way for other people but for me, time takes wings and flies away.   I have tried to vary my daily routine but when I don't do much, the task seems hopeless.   I spend most days thinking and writing which I believe I have already mentioned.   If someone were to ask me what exactly I do write, I would find it very difficult to explain.   It's usually everything that is tumbling around in my head at any given moment.   Thoughts, memories, ideas mostly.   If I write as much of it down as I can, it helps me decide what i need to keep and what to toss out.   I have a lot of stuff that I need to jettison but it all has such a stranglehold on me.   I couldn't imagine life being any different, could you?   After floating around on the ocean, I now feel as though I have entered some quiet backwater where I don't even need a paddle.   I just go with the flow.   It is one of the few luxuries I have.   I thought about building a time machine but it's hard to get the parts these days.   I can read schematics, but I'm not really motivated.   Life is infinitely curious.   I find it all too hard to keep up with sometimes which is why I made the retreat to erehwon.   I'm on the road to nowhere - a song by Talking Heads.   I don't think my brain ever sleeps.   It always seems to be digesting and analyzing too much.   I can feel myself getting tired now and I am starting to yawn.   Hopefully, I will enjoy a good night's sleep.   I have to stop worrying about how much sleep I don't get then perhaps I will reset and everything will go back to some kind of weird mentality.   One never knows exactly what is lying in wait for one does one?   Perhaps it is better if we don't.   Especially when you know that your own family members had been plotting your imprisonment for decades.   How is it possible to combat something like that without seeming as though you never cared about them?   A misplaced sense of duty I suppose is the truth of the matter.   Another thing I have noticed as I grow older is a strong sense of how much I don't know.   Probably not important at my time of life when I have been relieved of all of life's immediacy.   Now I think I am expected to grow old gracefully and not to bother anyone.   What an interesting state of being.   I have taken my sleeping potion and now I have to wait 30 minutes.   Sounds like something out of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves doesn't it?      Am I allowd to say dwarves these days or is it something politically incorrect?   I have no doubt someone will advise me.   I can see that I have started to waffle so I might take my leave before I say too much

Adieu, adieu, A Fond Farwell To Thee

AmD

[amd1953]

Postscript

The angels must have been smiling on me overnight because I slept well and long.   Now I have awoken to find the sun shining and the world is still as it was when I left it temporarily.   How disappointing.   I was hoping some benevolent creator would have taken the initiative to sort everything out while I was out of it.   But I still hear the internal combustion engine rushing past my front door.   Everyone rushing around as though tomorrow marks the end of time while I just sit back sipping my first cup of coffee of the day and wondering how I am going to spend it.   I am so tired of this scenario.   So worn down by constantly trying to make sense of it all.   And yet I can do nothing about it.   I am stuck in neutral, and I am merely a voice crying from the wilderness to which I have been banished for many centuries.   I know what is going on now.   But any resistance is futile.   I am not rich and famous.   The establishment has nothing to fear from me.   I am simply a number in their system.   A tiny little cog that has never been essential to the running of the system.   We are obliged to put our brilliance on display if we are to become anything in this place.   We have to prove ourselves to those who pick and choose who passes go and those who are left in the ashes of history.   Life is not what we make it, it is what we are allowed to make it.   It is the teachers at school and the employers in the work place who make or break us.   What can we do except play the game?   What is a man without an army?   Just a man dreaming of becoming a man.   Oh dear, when will it all end?

[Emotions26]

Hello AmD

You were actually here 15 minutes ago!

You are at a loss for words. Not as a result of my letters I sincerely hope.

So very much of what you have written I resonate so strongly with.

We have many parallels and yet differences also as is to be expected.

It is what I read between your words that reaches me so profoundly.

You sound as though you are in pain at the moment. This saddens me as I have come to know you as a human being with such beautiful depths.

Again I apologise for my harsh words of yesterday. They were not directed at you at all. They were a symptom of my strong agitation of experiencing the dreaded d at a stronger depth accompanied by the controlling anxiety. Together what a force they can create. At times they feel as though they are my enemies. When I am not within the swirling of the illnesses they have no hold over me at all. They do not control me on a daily basis. They have just been moving in more closely of late because there is much going on around me externally with serious illnesses of family members and a friend. Yes I should not let these people affect me. How many times have I been told that. I just sigh inwardly now. If only. I do not let them. I have no choice in the matter. I need to pass through the storm and emerge the other side stronger than the last time.

I am letting you know about this so that hopefully it will help you understand the tone of my writing previously.

I do not intend to continue to write about this here in the least.

I  write to you as an interest. You are interesting. Your thoughts interest me.

Lastly you are so very much more than your Postscript describes. Life has worn you down. The mind can be such a perpetrator yet within the passing of a moment transform into a means to experience such awe and beauty.

I write exactly the same as you. I have exactly the same predicament with all of my collection which are utter chaos and need organising. This is an ongoing thought!

A Fond Farewell?

I much prefer TTFN or Bye for now

Please if able could you write a brief note of reassurance that you are safe.

Should you choose not to write to me again that is of course your choice which I will respect.

I just need reassurance that you are safe.

When will it ever end? It does end when our mind stops replaying and rebuilding patterns.

Trust me it is not always there.

Look for your writings of aspiration. You have them. I know that you do.

I am truly worried.

Em

[amd1953]

Good evening Em,

Everything is fine with me, I assure you nothing is wrong that cannot be fixed with a stiff glass of water.   You see, I am silly when I am serious.   It is the only way to be for me.   It is like releasing a pressure valve.   I guess we all have different ways of achieving that.   You think your words were harsh?   No, I have heard worse believe me.   I will reply to your posts as long as you want to write them.   You are the only person in the world that I write to because we have already established a connection.   I am always in pain with my neck and back injuries but I like to carry on regardless.  The other pain is not being able to stop thinking about my past which haunts me like a ghost.   I have to do whatever I can to stop those horrible thoughts that swamp me like a tsunami.   I have been told that one of the best ways is to focus on the present and lock the past in a room and throw the key away.   If only!   It is very difficult not to be affected by those people who see nothing in you but weakness and flaws.   I have had a lifetime of that with even my family dominating me.   That is why, now they are gone, this period of my life is the most important.   I search for meaning in everything that comes my way as I am sure other people do as well.   It is more of a spiritual quest to find a balance that will ease my pain.   I wish I could do that for everyone who might be experiencing something similar.   Not everyone in the world wants to take other people into consideration.   It is either their way or the highway.   People are so easily offended and they love playing the victim.   Over the decades I have gained a good idea of who the happy people are what characterises their behaviour.  

Until we meet again, mon ami.

[Emotions26]

Tis evening now amd. I wanted to thank you for replying. 
Not quite sure about your meaning in your last reply.

The constant physical  pain in your body would make it very difficult writing at a computer and you do a fair amount.

I know how I stiffen up as I take a while to think about what I am going to write.

Have you ever tried creating a storyline as you record your thoughts?

Creating a character to replace yourself and the character takes on some of the torturous emotional load.

If you have any success let me know. This is my wish.

The spiritual quest caught my eye.

That is an area where I have an interest.

It has been so very cold and windy. I have done little.

Head is on strike.

Tomorrow is another day.

perhaps you are preparing for your course.

That is worthwhile and will bring new incentives into your day

Goodnight My magic sleeping pill must be allowed to do it’s thing.

Ttfn

Em

[amd1953]

Hello Em,

Sometimes I receive an email advising me that there is something new for me on Beyond Blue.   Other times I just happen to see a new addition as I pass by on my way to somewhere or other.   Please tell me what you don't understand.   I might be able to throw a little light on the matter.   I've been watching a documentary on Youtube about elderly people in the UK.  Such a depressing subject but I feel that I have to watch it nonetheless.   I think I am trying to prepare myself for the shock that awaits me.   I cannot understand why people fear dying alone.   We are born alone so what is the problem?   Is there some mystical or metaphysical advantage in having someone hold your hand as you take your last breath?   Anyone who has spent a lot of their life alone will not fear the end of it all.   I think some of us become invisible when we get older because nobody seems at all interested in what we do or say.   We appear to pose more problems than possess the ability to solve them.   I am more than happy to be alone now and my greatest regret is not having the strength to spend it all that way.   I would have saved myself a lot of pain and suffering.   But back then, I was trying to blend in instead of stick out like a sort thumb.   There is no need to fight any longer when you have nothing left to prove to anyone.   The benefit of hindsight is always a willing friend.   I ought to have known my own flaws and weaknesses.   My limitations are truly legendary because enough people were able to recognise them when I was still wet behind the ears.   If only I had found a rock to hide under before it was too late then everything would have been just the way it should have been.   I think a lot of people like to find people that they can look down on from their lofty perch.   I'm just glad I refused to look up to them all the time.   Quick to condemn and slow to forgive.   This is not fresh news but merely observations.   I love people who insist on taking offence because it allows them the opportunity to play the victim.   To sleep perchance to dream!

Kind regards Amd