Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

I spend a lot of my waking hours delving into my past life.   The one that happened when I wasn't looking.   I think back to before it all began.   Before I entered the human race.   If the life is really a computer simulation, then someone far into the future is inventing and mapping out our lives as a kind of pastime.   I wish now that I had learned to take better care of myself as a child.   I think this would have been a good idea in the light of future bullying.   As much as I tried to avoid trouble, it would usually seek me out wherever I went and whatever I was doing.   Trying to mind my own business and be happy was a failing full-time job because I was required to attend school which, as I have already mentioned, I hated with a passion.   Whether or not it was universally acknowledged that I was someone who should be punished for what and who I am, remains unclear.   As far as I was concerned, I was just like everyone else.   But it seemed my job was to prove that every day of my life.   I have to smile now at the ideas I used to entertain in my mind.   I used to believe that if I wanted to be something when I grew up, it would just fall into place.   At least the opportunity to do so.   I was ready for the hard work and dedication that was needed but I always fell short of the mark.   In the end, I realised that I was going to be a nobody, and, in that premonition, I have been proven correct.   I am a nobody but a very happy nobody.   I wouldn't want to be anyone else now because I can see the value in staying who I am meant to be.

Another idea I developed when I was in the middle of the bullying phase was to become bullet-proof to verbal abuse.   People had a habit of saying something clever in order to wind me up and spur a reaction.   As an adult it is a crime to physically abuse someone but as a child, back then, it was just your bad luck to get picked on.   Now, in old age, I have the opportunity of staying out of everyone's way which is a true blessing.   I have made myself bullet-proof now by distancing myself from anyone who might like to take a pot shot at me.   The only problems I have to face are those I manufacture myself.   Life remains a road well-travelled but how we get there in the end is icing on the cake.

amd1953

[Emotions26]

Saluti amd,

I am lost as to which response of yours that I have yet to reply to.  I believe that I might be months off.  You mentioned Alice in Wonderland.  How did you guess that was my favourite childhood book? I have a very old hardback copy.  Very sharp.  I daydreamed and delved deep within myself, daily from a very early age.  I am very familiar with the feeling smaller and larger, spinning down the rabbit hole and of course the cheshire cat who first enticed me.  The mad hatter tea party, wonderful.  The Queen of Hearts as you say.  All is not what it seems, applies to the whole book each time I read it.  I have also drawn, not traced, a couple of the characters and painted them several times.  For my eyes only.  Perhaps feeling as though you are in your own fairy tale story is your own deep imagination.  Quite right in feeling that we are surrounded by strange people deep in their own thoughts.  I feel that constantly and accept that I am deeper within myself than they are in their surface level, only façade, perhaps.  As you said, all is not what it seems.

Would you mind explaining the endless stream of people willing to step up to the plate and knock you out of the ballpark statement please?  You wrote that you are tired of it.  I know it is also used within the baseball sport.  If I do not understand something, I sometimes get stuck on the literal meaning only.  I am wondering which period of your life you are referring to as you write that you do not socialise these days. I did warn you from the beginning that I have questions for questions, about everything.

May the sun bring you warmth, the stars astonishment and the moon intrigue you

Ems

[Emotions26]

Salve ancora, amd,

It is hard to read that you were bullied to such an extent and school left such a scar.  I feel  enraged.  I was the young girl rushing to the rescue of those being bullied or ostracised.  I think that I took people more by surprise because I was such a slight figure who hardly spoke.  Who was listening?  My voice of injustice rose from so deep within without warning.  I just put each of them back in their place.  Speechless and unsure what happened more likely than intimidated of me.  On one occasion I asked the new gypsy attending our school when it was the dance lesson and girl’s choice.  I strode across to the other side of the room and politely asked him if he would like to dance.  Even the teacher was surprised. Can you just imagine the gobsmacked faces of the bullies, racists, judgemental cretons.  He was a great dancer actually; I felt as though my feet left the ground.  I have always challenged cruelty.  I felt very alone growing up and resonated with those who were singled out.  I would have marched right up to you amd; and told those bullies that if they opened their eyes and their minds they would see how much you really did have to offer the world.  Does not take away the pain from your memory.  Hopefully reinforces your knowledge that they had huge issues within themselves.

I have been bullied in my adult life though which hurt.  I have managed to leave two abusive relationships, the first being my marriage of 17 years.  He had the gall to say to me “how can you leave me like this without any warning!” It had been discussed in as much as it was possible to have a discussion with him over three years!  The other relationship, I was actually told by a psychologist that I needed to leave for the safety of my life.  She said that he was a psychopathic, sociopath after meeting and speaking to him.  I have since had to be very careful not to give out too much information to identify myself.   All so unbelievable to this day that some adults can be such horrid creatures.  I strongly listen to my intuition and sensory perception these days.  My antennas.  Perhaps I really am from another planet.

Ems   continuus cogitabundus

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

I think the baseball analogy was wrong in this instance.   The idea I was trying to convey was my feeling that no matter what I did or said, there was always going to be someone who wanted to make my life a misery.   Some of them succeeded while others did not.   I think it all started during my early school days when I discovered what kids my own age could do to me.   I was always conscious of not being a popular figure.   I was never popular with the girls or the boys, so I became used to my own company.   Add to that a vivid imagination and you have the recipe for a wallflower.   Perhaps people thought I was gay.   I have no idea.   I understand that it makes some people nervous.   Anyway, I am sorry for the confusion and only too glad to try and explain.   I hope that I did.

This all took place during my early schooldays and continued until I was able to retire in 2018.   That sounds like a long time, and it was when you are living your life under a shadow.   The amazing thing is that when I look back on those times, I never really knew how to handle it or what to do.   I could really have used a father figure, but my parents divorced when I was 10 years of age.   Consequently, I learned as much as I have the hardest way possible.   Anyway, I hope that has helped clear up the confusion.

May you always ask questions

amd1953

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems

I had to smile when I read your description about rushing to the rescue.   I could have used someone like that back then.   No matter.   Thankfully those days are long gone and I have to try and put it all out of my head.   Not always easy when it was such a bad experience.   I was sorry to hear of your own emotional upheaval and I hope that you are safe now.   I find human relationships perplexing.   Having gone through two horrible marriages that almost proved my undoing but the less said about them, the better.   

Perhaps we are both from other planets.   If I discovered where mine was, I would most likely book a ticket to return there.   As it is, I have absolutely no idea.   My parents were both human but that doesn't say much for me.

Seriously though, as I have mentioned before, I have never felt at home or an integral part of what is going on.   Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise.   Looking back on my time in the ADF.   That too was an erroneous decision, and I paid dearly for making it.   I am the least military person on the planet, but I did it because I wanted a respectable way of moving out of the family home.   I thought it might be the making of me, but it was quite the reverse.   No matter.   I think I might have a few years ahead of me in which I can rise like a phoenix from my own ashes.   These days my solitude is the only strength I have to carry on.   I hope it continues.

Que tous vos jours soient bénis par la paix

amd1953

[Emotions26]

 Saluti amd,

Bullies are so self-absorbed within their own lack of self esteem and confidence. Then the more disguised level of bullying.  Ostracising and isolating.   The only way is to avoid them as you have already mentioned.  I can sense their vibes now and stay away from social group settings.  Females intimidate more slyly yet can be just as malicious. 

Losing a father presence in your life would have had a huge impact on you.  Separations were judged in that era.  My father was often away and his absence was very painful for me as my mother clearly preferred my twin.  His absence was never explained either.  I now believe that they were separated, but still lived together for us.  I have the same sense of loss and that a part of me is missing.  I mostly raised myself emotionally .  Being sociable and friendly left me open to some dangerous situations.  How I managed to avoid these is a miracle.  I have been told by my therapist that I was advanced for my age, emotionally.  Did not feel that way.  My digging deep, surviving.  Took me by surprise.  I am not great with compliments.   If we only knew our strengths when we were young when feeling so awkward and different.  Now I know that being different is beautiful. The bullies were the awkward, troubled ones not us in hindsight.  

Joining the armed forces would have been quite a shock I imagine.  My father left home at 18 and joined the british airforce and then war broke out the following year.   Seen as a way to escape the life that you had already endured no doubt.  He left home because he was unhappy with a large family where he was the youngest.  I think that it left him with the need for us to continue moving countries after they married.  This was not helpful for a child with difference.  The constant forming friendships only to move away again not only from a home, school, friends, relatives over and over.

Amd you have so many gifts of intelligence and creativity.  You have built a life for yourself where you enjoy your own company and pursue what you want to do.  I hope that you can leave the horrible bullies behind.  They have tormented you enough.   I hope that you can now be proud of how strong you actually are.

You have a kind and caring heart.  You deserve happiness within yourself now in these twilight years.  Grab it and do not let those cretons waste any more of your energy.

I do not believe that it is possible for me to stop asking questions.  I do have to bite my tongue sometimes as some people prefer few words.  Silence is golden and I do love silence.  So I am not a chatterbox, more a listener, observer and questioner. 

I received the gift of peace gratefully. Thank you, as there is so much disturbance in all walks of life.  This world is almost unrecognisable.  I will leave that subject be as it hurts.

Rain has been and moved on leaving sunshine.  Hope you get to feel the sun upon your skin today

Ems   sending mostly enigmas

[Emotions26]

amd

Above response written several days ago then I had another funeral to attend.  Fell into grief tentacles and have posted it today.

I have been researching the crusades for most of the day.   Off in my world of discovery.  My own internal rabbit hole.  will write again in response to your last letter soon.  The other planet part intrigues me of course.

take care as always

ems

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

As the world slowly creeps towards another dawn, I find myself wide awake and tapping away on my trusty and beloved computer keyboard.   I wish that I didn't get tired so I could dispense with sleep altogether.   I could get so much more done if I wanted to.   Sometimes, I just sit here and listen to the silence.   It is extremely invigorating because it gives me a sense of complete freedom and detachment from a world that will never embrace me with anything more than a nodding acquaintance.   Not even that sometimes.   But I have passed the point of caring about that.   Some things, I find, I can just switch off and never worry about again.   Others, not so much.   I have to study them and analyse them as though my life depended upon it.   That is what tires me.   I am on the final stage of my journey, and I am pretty much resigned to what I can do during it and what I should try to set aside.   The best things are that I no longer have to prove how wonderful I am to anyone or how valuable and responsible a person I might be.   Taking into consideration everything I have endured over the course of a lifetime; I am surprised that I am not in worse shape than I am.   All of my time is my own now that I am retired and yet some days, I feel guilty for not having to do something to pay for my time.   It is a hopeless situation really, but I make of it as much or as little as I can.   Pessoa talks a lot about dreams and consciously replacing reality with dreams, as though we are the directors of our own sleepless nights.   It might be considered a fool's paradise.   Any dreams I might have always find me either running away from something or else negotiating endless corridors in white buildings and difficult people.   I can safely say that I have never produced a dream on demand.   They are just experiences that happen, and I have to live through them.   It is nothing like being a director in a movie.   I only wish it were.   My world has been one in which I have never been the driving force.   It has always been other people pushing me to wherever they want me to be.   Little wonder that I am now a rebel without a cause yet always ready to adopt one.   I think I am starting to ramble so I shall quickly call an immediate halt to the proceedings.   

May you always be happy in whatever you do

Accidental Miscellaneous Dramas 1953

[Emotions26]

Bonjour, amd.  Comment vous sentez-vous aujourd’hui? 

I thought that I would write in the language of France as I noticed that you have on occasions.  My knowledge of the French language needs much dusting off as I confuse my Italian with French now.  So why not have a change?

Your letter was an interesting read.  I understand your wishing to not have to sleep, however in the real world we all know that we must rest not only our bodies but our minds also.  Not as easy as it reads though is it when sleep eludes us regularly. Our mind also has a mind of its own and is not easily fooled by changing the time that we go to bed and or arise in the morning. 

I love that you sit and pay attention to the silence.  I do this myself and find a stronger presence of calm within myself.  I feel more connected to “the me” who only I really know.  The concept of analysing your thoughts, again is something that I have spent a lifetime doing.  I now do tell myself at times.  “Not now, the time is not right for thinking about that.  Settle and I will pay attention later” It resurfaces eventually, in between much other analysing and digging deep.

The inevitable need to feel that we need to prove ourselves to anyone does spring from conditioning over the years, starting at an early age.  Thankfully, time and wisdom can teach us that this is in fact utter rubbish.  If the other people do not understand; object or feel offended that is up to them to use their energy up on analysing their reaction not ours.  Most do not; some do though.

You can spend “your time” doing as you please, guilt free.  I, spend so much time doing anything these days because my mind is so overactive and I then need to make steps to notice that silence.  Nature helps me immensely at these times.  I still find myself distracted by my thoughts but being out in nature I notice this more often.  I am vocal a fair bit as a form of distraction to the plants, wildlife, sky whatever.  I am past worrying if anyone hears or notices.

Dreaming a very interesting subject.  My dreams are strongest when I fall into the rem sleep having risen several times during the night unable to get to sleep or just restless.  I often have nightmares as well.  I can notice a pattern from the past and again I find it helpful to discuss past and present with my therapist.  Can be quite intriguing. 

I smiled yet again at your words, amd.  You mentioned the prospect of producing a dream on demand.  I have started doing this over the last year.  Not a dream as such but a new creation of my life from an early age and the story stops and starts at different stages.  This can help on some nights to send me off to sleep not always keep me asleep.  Then I try to steer the story in a new direction and sometimes it feels as though there is a strong force within my mind preventing me from doing so.  I just start all over again.  It is weird but I am loving being in my new life no matter how brief.

There can be similarities between people who can relate to each other at the same time we are still always our unique selves.

A rebel always ready to adopt a cause, I like that. 

Restez fidele a vous-meme et puissiez-vous creer une nouveile histoire de votre vie pendant que vous etes allonge la a attendre le sommeil.

Extra meaningful silence   

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

Je vais bien merci.   J’espère que vous l’êtes aussi.   I have written many pages of text on here during the last few days, but they have all disappeared.   I can't for the life of me remember exactly what I wrote even though it saves the last attempt, I tend to log out after saving a blank page.   There might be an end to this one day, but it is difficult to know when it will happen.   We all need at least one person who understands us.   If not in the flesh, then on something such as BB.   Perhaps it is better with complete anonymity.   Personal and intimate relationships leave me gasping for air.   Just the thought of them sends shivers down my spine which is gradually disintegrating anyway.   At least I don't have to listen to the clicking now so perhaps I am enjoying a little bit of self-healing there.   I would certainly like to think so.   The GP said it would never get better.   I just have to manage the pain.   Difficult to undertake when you don't have the means of doing so.   If I believed in miracles then I would do so with every fibre of my being.   I think I am going to just take potluck and not worry about it too much.   This weekend has passed very quickly, and I am at a loss to recall what I actually did.   It was some form of writing and reading.   That is all I do now is wear my fingers out writing to myself mostly.   I can actually feel myself getting older every year now.   I never thought I would say that but there it is.   There might be a slim chance of me achieving some good out of all this noise and chaos.

Well, that is it for now.   I will always wish you well and good health.

amd1953