Owed to Solitude

amd1953 · ‎08-05-2023

I owe a lot to my current situation in life. In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get. I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks. It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour. I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage". And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage. Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are. Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are. Not good actors at all. That's where I make my entrance. But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort. Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be. It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience. Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity. This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch. When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to. I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover. I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change. Or is that asking too much? I'm not really sure myself. Maybe I am expecting too much. Shame on me eh? But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it. The curtain comes down on another production. I only hope it doesn't come too soon. If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish. I have nothing left to give. It's all gone. The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception. Sorry, production.

Moonstruck · ‎15-01-2025

amd and ems.......I loved your writing just now...both of you. You enchant me with your intelligence, poetic individuality and mystery....I'm Moonstruck.

amd1953 · ‎18-01-2025

Saluti Ems,

I think we all get those days when the world seems to lose that certain magic. Everything is reduced to fundamentals, and we search around for something to hold on to and hope that the storm abates quickly. For myself, I would much rather have the here and now than the distant past. Some say that this is all we have, the present moment. I don't even think about the future now. I am only too happy to accept whatever comes my way, no matter what it might be. If there is nothing, I can do about it then it does not deserve to be considered. That applies to events as well as people. I am constantly reminded of why I choose to live my life alone now. It is the uncertainty of what has gone before that I find solace in today. I have chosen to leave the daily cut and thrust of human interaction far behind me. Now, all I have to endure is the memory of it all. Is that not bad enough? I suppose it all depends on our temperament and tolerance levels. The only people who come near me now are the postman and the supermarket delivery driver and I never see them but they grace my front doorstep on a fairly regular basis. What is the reason for all of this, some people might query? Am I afraid of the world at large? Well, no, not really. Let's just say it is a wariness born from experience. I will always be aware that everyone has their opinions of everyone else and while I dislike it, there is nothing I can do about it except withdraw gracefully into my own little slice of heaven upon earth. Some of us get picked on for one reason or the other and at the age I am now, I am weary of it all and no longer wish to suffer any of it. The idea of loneliness is alien to me because I have never experienced it. Aloneness is my fortress of solitude, and I shall defend it to my last breath.

amd1953

Emotions26 · ‎19-01-2025

Saluti amd,

Your previous letter referring to ghostly matters touched me at different depths.

The underlying reference to writing to a person unknown in this type of format at the same time finding some comfort in receiving a letter in response.

We know as much about each other as we wish to write about on a worldwide website is my way of feeling about the whole experience.

I am a very private person naturally. The few people whom I rarely have an opportunity to communicate with only know a small amount of detail about who I am. In my younger years I was more open and found that not the safest way to be for my being different.

I, like you have also been bullied, abused and taken for granted over my years as I am more of a listener than a talker. My strong sense of feeling for others becomes apparent and sadly at times has been greedily snatched from my being.

So yes I protect myself to a certain degree in writing on here.

Then at the same time I feel that you and I dig far deeper and talk about our vulnerabilities, tender sides more than some.

Knowing someone for me now is from the way I communicate with them.

I feel closer to you as a person, from reading your opening up about your vulnerable experiences and strengths in wanting to live your life your way as you should, than I do with acquaintances within my reality.

My sensitivity and senses are heightened and I can feel in my way who you are as a person in as much as is possible with what you tell about yourself.

This to me works as I can relate to you easily and do feel comfortable with you.

For all I know You could be an alien or a ghost and writing a story.

Should that be the case then I am enthralled to have the experience of befriending an alien, ghost or other.

To me you are my friend amd and I am at ease sensing and knowing what I do about you. This would not be the same in real life as we, being us the way we are, would relate differently. The friendship would be different again. We will never know.

Does that make sense?

I have been spending some time having imaginary conversations with my special friend the Mad Hatter of late and he does lead me astray.

So let us be ghosts. My preference is a ghost to an alien.

As for the postman and supermarket delivery people. They might be intrigued and have conjured up all sorts of concepts. ......Or they might have no imagination whatsoever, be very busy, tired, bored and or more. They might even use the forums themselves. We have no way of ever knowing.

So for me the mystery and the blank canvas is ours to use as we please.

Aloneness is a quality that I treasure as it is my place where I can truly be me. I can dig deeper and deeper exploring and learning far more.

Future? What is that? Anxiety provoking at times exciting and or dull and boring at others. It is not here though.

I, am an, in the now person who drifts back and forth from the past when feelings arise. Then I spend the time within my head with further conversations exploring why am I feeling this now? Sometimes I find an answer and at others I tell myself that the moment has past. Sometimes I just need to breathe, rest my mind and travel elsewhere.

Enigmatic moments sailing

Ems

Emotions26 · ‎19-01-2025

Hello Moonstruck,

We have met before. Amd and myself have both replied to you on here some time ago.

Enchantment, intelligence, poetic individuality, mystery and much more welcomed here.

What do you say Amd?

What would you like to say Moonstruck?

Ems

Emotions26 · ‎19-01-2025

I was reminded of the following when I saw your username, Moonstruck.

Originally written for a 3 year old which still excites me at any age.

Excerpts from poetry written by Edward Lear

The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea

In a beautiful pea-green boat,

.....................................

They dined on mince, and slices of quince,

Which they ate with a runcible spoon;

And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,

They danced by the light of the moon,

The moon,

They danced by the light of the moon.

Ems

amd1953

Hello

I say amen to that!

amd1953

Moonstruck

Thanks Ems. The rhyme enchanted me when I was very little too....I am not a morning sunrise person...I come alive when darkness begins to fall and the Moon still enchants me. I feel "safer" at night...as if no-one can see me, or judge me, as if I become invisible.....Moonstruck. x

amd1953

Saudações Ems,

Sorry to keep you waiting for my reply to your last letter. Not going to make any excuses because there are none. Just put it all down to my consistent slothfulness and a natural lethargy. Shame on me, eh? I took delivery of a new laptop computer a couple of weeks ago and I have been messing around with it and trying to get it set up just the way I like it. I love my tech toys! I have also been reading and listening to some really nice music. Keeps me calm and controlled to a point. I still hear/see snippets of the big wide world out there and I try to ignore it all as a matter of course. Not a single day goes by when I don't think to myself that I am lucky to be able to escape what I have. I have heard that retirement is often a time of stress for a lot of people but for me, it is a wonderful time to experience the ability to do as little or as much as I choose. Sounds a bit decadent doesn't it but it's payback for a life lived less well. This is my reward for enduring what I have. What you said about friendship certainly does make sense. We may never have met at all face to face, so the forum is able to bridge all kinds of reservations and phobias. I think it is one of the best communication channels. I have conversations with myself too. Probably more than I would care to admit. I love waking up in the morning and realising that no one is going to give me a hard time or remind me to put the garbage out. Just those annoying little practices that people have. Not everyone, but most people I have known. I could have saved myself a lot of angst if I had chosen to follow my own path rather than slavishly surrendering to what I mistakenly believed was the best thing for me. Anyway, it doesn't matter at all now. Nothing really matters except getting through all of this the best way we can.

Live long and prosper

Additional Multiplying Dimensions 1953

Emotions26

Hello Moonstruck,

It has been 4 weeks this forum tells me, since you replied here.

Normally I would apologise and go into some explanation why my life has interfered with my replying.

I am actually so weary and have been for some time, that I am firstly, going to respond in a manner that represents more, how I am getting by day to day.

Just in a nutshell.

Hence have not had energy or words to reply to anyone. No I am not feeling sorry for myself, quite the opposite.

This has no bearing on you. Possibly could even say poor timing for you to land here now.

Having stated the above I do want to say that the Moon we see has always been fascinating to me.

I was born in the Northern Hemisphere and lived in several countries within that hemisphere.

On moving to the southern hemisphere the moon seemed to be more alive even have a personality.

No I am not mad. I was entering my early teens quite shaken having moved around from country to country so much.

I was frightened by this moon and several questions only a small percentage of my usual amount of questions left me feeling uneasy. I could not fathom this as a young person. My interest in the moon never waned and I still find this moon drawing my attention when noticing it's presence.

I read an article not that long ago about our earth's moon appearing differently as in almost mirror image between the the earths hemispheres.

I believe that the face looking image is only visible within the southern hemisphere. Or did I dream that?

This would explain my awareness and feeling uneasy all of those years ago.

The moon holds so much mystery and intrigue. It has a huge responsibility within the universe

I want it to be left alone and not be trampled over by mankind in it's quest to discover more planets.

Please go elsewhere.

The moon is so important to nature and if mankind starts tripping over unknown value with its great hob nailed boots we will not only have what some refer to as climate change to worry about.

Leave well enough alone. Some things are not able to be explained. Not everything has to be inhabited.

Let it be so that it can continue to work it's magic as it has done since the beginning of the beginning within cultures, beliefs, nature.

Just my thoughts not proven or scientific. Purely how ems feels about the moon

I am a morning person by the way laugh.
The sun gives me energy. I need my energy replenished as I spend so much time within my head exploring. I am weary by the timing of sunset. All beautiful moments.

When up and about at night and discovering the moon as though it is my friend by my side I feel different again.

I just love and appreciate every form of nature which has survived and not made a mess of things like human beings. The planets and or stars all have different roles, representations within this universe and must not be messed with.

I would love to know more about this wonderful moon that appears from my minimal reading of such, to have existed before earth.

Please enlighten me.

In the words of amd1953 "amen to that!"

Perhaps he might like to contribute, read along or do as he wishes.

There is no pressure on anyone.

That is why this works for me here in this space.

The only pressure is from the pressure we place upon ourselves.

Your turn.

Ems

Emotions26

Γεια σας amd

There is nothing shameful in taking pleasure and interest in a new technical toy arriving when that is your joy.

Setting up this technical brain is a minefield in itself and one that you no doubt relish.

Not I. I loathe anything technical.

I do love most forms of music though with a passion. As good music really does reach the soul.

This is next to nature in reaching me when feeling beside myself.

Music for me has a more in the moment relief whereas nature more lasting. Then again some flute or oboe music used to send me off to sleep on a nightly basis.

I also love dancing and music moves through the senses speaking to the body and the body must respond in kind.

Which music calms and or moves you?

I also am moved by intelligent, dry, droll humour. A very different experience of course.

All touching the senses and connecting with me.

I have not been able to write anything literally at all for some time let alone to respond here.

I believe that this has been referred to as writers block and is well known as so very frustrating causing great alarm to some. I am not alarmed just missing the experience and wanting it back.

I have been avoiding the news as much as I can, however, it looms up in front of me on the internet. AI is expanding at alarming rates.

I have been busy wandering off in many different directions on the internet though and discovering, learning much.

I believe that this is a form of studying! Whatever it is I am enjoying my findings and how I am left feeling. I am not as afraid of the computer now.

This self- isolating has so many benefits I am finding. I have been doing this on and off I realise for the greater part of my life in between.

The rare occasion that I have no choice but to attend a family gathering now,I am more comfortable just sitting, observing, listening and sensing all of the chaos and havoc playing out before my eyes.

I have random moments of hours on end in the garden, exhaust myself and then it grows wild for a time. It has always been my intention to have rambling gardens as nature intends. It just needs to be contained every now and again which I have to accept. My privacy screen is growing higher and wider. Loving it.

The heat zaps my energy and robs me of any appetite replacing that with nausea. Not a good recipe ending in losing weight. So I need to get on top of that.

Apart from that I am alive!

Live long and prosper. Hail. Well the long part not so sure about. Prospering is possibly out of my control given the state our government is in.

Live in the moment and notice all of the little things. Embrace life while we can.

Similar intent just different words.

Relish the new experience of an updated technical device and what it offers you. Take care amd

elevating minds singly