Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Emotions26]

Well, amd,

I need time to think before responding.

I like you often write delete write delete. I have had the flu for over 6 weeks and head has been foggier than usual. Not a good mix for responding to a sensitive letter.

I think that many on here do the same.

Some just write briefly as they type.

I will respond later, when my head is clearer.

Take care.

If you are still reading

bye for now

ems

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

I am sorry to hear that you are not well, and I can understand that you need to recover so please do not worry about writing on here.   You have to do what is right for you first above everything else.   I wish you a speedy recovery.

amd1953

[Emotions26]

Hello amd

I have just noticed your reply.

I hope that you are managing as I know that you  went through such an ordeal and shock that follows can affect the mind and body via the amygdala..

I would like to know whether or not you wish to continue writing to each other.

Your previous letter was confusing and that is through no fault of yours.

If you have run out of words writing to me I will understand.

Friendship does not come with conditions or pressure.

Please reply yes or no if you would like to continue writing about whatever. That will save both of us logging on to see if "there is a letter in the post."

I appreciate your caring latest reply.

Ems hoping to hear an answer soon.

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

I think I like the fact that I can communicate intensely with someone I do not know intimately.   What I mean is, if you and I passed in the street, we would not know who it was.   I like the anonymity, but I also like being able to express my thoughts even though they are a little whacky sometimes.   I have had my fair share of attempting to integrate with society, but it always comes undone and then I feel alienated due to the coldness of this world.   I am on my own now due to a variety of reasons.   Not being able trust people is one thing and then feeling like an outcast is another.   The reasons build on each other.   Personal and business relationships are based on trust and when we lose that there is a breakdown of emotions as well.   I have just woken up and my senses are quite sharp at the moment but that is because I feel as though I have something to say to you.   It isn't always like that and sometimes I sit here and stare into space.   In a way I am relieved that whoever I am talking to cannot see my process of thought and deliberation.   I can understand why some people say that we are social beings.   I used to feel the need to make friends with everyone I could but not everyone wanted to be friendly with me.   It was almost as if they were scared of lowering their defences and showing their real face.   But that is all in the past now or at least until I retired.   That meant a sudden withdrawal from the very people I was always trying to befriend.   But I like this life I have now because it feels like real freedom of the mind and body.   I would rather have no friends at all than feel suspicious of everyone all of the time.   When I am alone, I know that I have the real me and not some kind of pretentious anti-social monster.   Instead of a narrow field of view, my imagination stretches to the horizon.   I see more than I could ever wish to see but the secret is understanding what I see.

I also love being able to stay at home and do what I want to do instead of having to obey and comply.   It was always a nightmare for someone who only wishes to fly away to some remote spot in the universe.   It all sounds very pie in the sky, doesn't it?   That is exactly how it is in my mind.   I always feel as though I am reaching too far but then I think that if I did not keep trying what is the use of being alive?   I wonder sometimes but the alternative is unthinkable.  

May every star shine on you

amd1953

[Emotions26]

Saluti amd1953,

Nice to hear from you.

I will read your words again; taking my time and pick up on what is written behind them.  The intriguing trail that you leave for me.

I had a few replies to other posts to attend to that are of a different style to this one. 

The writers are sincere and I find some comfort;  suggestions and a sense of being heard about varying subjects.  

Elevated meanings smiling

Ems 

[Emotions26]

Sorry amd,

I meant to explain that I had received the other replies before yours.

I try to reply to people in order of who writes first.

my turn to waffle

Ems

[Emotions26]

Hello amd,

I have just reread my response to you that was rather hurried. I was not having a good day.

It now reads to me as though I am intimating that other replies are sincere blah blah and not yours.

Please totally ignore such rubbish.

I need to take both feet out of my mouth and breathe before I begin to think and reply.

I will not attempt to say any more today as I have spent most of the day again on the phone dealing with poor customer service. Another subject best left alone.

I will get back to you when calmer and more composed.

Take care

Ems

[Emotions26]

Salve amd,

I am going to attempt to reply to your letters backwards from when you felt that you could no longer write to me.

I perceive that you are very hard on yourself.  An attribute that we both share.  Running out of words as though such a thing is a failing or worse.  You tried and tried then punished yourself and sent a letter of giving up on amd.  How we punish ourselves when we are weary, worn out, exhausted, even without words!  

There have been so many occasions that I have spent hours trying to think of how to respond.  Yes I too have deleted over and over and over.    Another trait shared by both.  I now know that I am not a perfectionist and I have noted that you use that word frequently. I do not believe that there is any such thing as perfection as that would mean that everything would stay the same. There would be no striving to master an interest or create something beautiful, to discover more, to dream, to have that feeling of wonder. Curiosity, desire to learn more would disappear.

I would say that every single artistic, creative person in this world, as we know it has judged themselves harshly and been close to giving up.  Some have.  Their work discovered after they have passed and listed as brilliant.  Your best friend Pessoa.  You often relate to how well you connect. Isn’t that a given that if you are artistic and or creative you feel that you are a failure?  What would Pessoa say to you if he read your work?  “Don’t be like me! Don’t hide your gifts from the world”

As for your writing only on a blank white page.  Can I be brave and say to you.  Yes that is how it starts out. That is not what it is once your stories are magically woven and etched onto the boring document. Your words bring the white paper to life.  That is where the colour bursts forth from.  Imagination.  An eye for beauty.

When I lose myself in a good book I am not looking at the paper that it is written on or the font that it has been typed with. I am lost in the visuals that leap into my mind as the stories draw me closer and hold my interest.  Your letters with your storytelling taking me off on different journeys in history and time; are alive with colour for me.

A painter could say the reverse of your self -criticism.  My work is meaningless as there are no words to describe my work for the viewers to be introduced to my theme.   Therefore, I am not a painter.   The musical composer writes the notes and complains that there are no words. How will the notes turn into a song?  Music comes from instruments that are played with skill and expertise and the brilliance plays to the soul.  A white piece of paper or even a torn off page was all that existed in the beginning.  The saying is the beauty of art is in the eye of the beholder.   

So please STOP telling yourself that you cannot make the cut here and there are no vacancies.  What mythical creature determines vacancies and which artists of whatever genre have a place, or human beings who are kind and caring wanting to be heard. Who gets to decide about vacancies.  Nobody!

When you feel that exhausted and drained stop.  Rest and breathe.  I am sure that you love music.  Turn up your favourite piece and lose your thoughts in the beauty that lies within there.  Written with passion and because you matter.  This is not a criticism at all.

Every moment stimulating

[Emotions26]

amd,

I have become carried away in conveying my response and written far far too much

The rest will have to be another day.

It might take you a week to read what I have written anyway.  Be brave and stay with it.

Hopefully you will understand my intent.

ems

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

We should all be carried away on a moonlight shadow every now and then.   It is good for the soul.   Nice to see some passion appear in life rather than the dull greys and sepias of yesteryear.   Refreshing to add some colour to the proceedings.   

Thank you so much for your last letter and apologies now for keeping you waiting for my reply.   Things are not always what they seem.   Just ask the Queen of Hearts from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.   Off with their heads!   Mind you, that's just the playing cards.   Fair enough, I seem to have navigated through the stormy waters of Daylight Savings.   Remembering to turn the clock forward and doing myself out of an hour's worth of valuable sack time.   I may be able to catch up by next April when it all comes to an end.   Sometimes I feel as though I am in my own fairy story, surrounded by strange people with nothing in their heads except their own thoughts.   There also appears to be an endless stream of people willing to step up to the plate and knock you out of the ballpark.   I am so tired of it all.   

amd 1953