Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Emotions26]

Saluti Audaciously Mesmerizing Demonstrations ( who needs birthdates?)

I celebrate the day of my arrival on earth, but no longer the year. Two of my birthdays were cancelled due to covid. That was my cue. The universe told me that I had no need to remember my age.

In fact it is counterproductive to focus on how long we have existed on this planet, in particular when a greater part of that time has been spent trying to work out why on earth we are here. Why am I so different and difficult as told so frequently? 

Far better, in my mind, to celebrate the birth itself. The end is nigh whether we focus on the year or not.

My birth itself was also a surprise. Now there is a surprise or more likely no surprise at all. A possible clue to why according to my totem (I went researching again) "that people born under my sign confuse the heck out of the rest of the inhabitants!" 

Well there it is in a nutshell. Why did I not discover this before. Accepting myself as me, thereby creating a person without any self criticism or pain! What a wow of a time I am owed.

Back to the actual birth time,  I was one of two! Only I was only discovered just under 20 minutes after the arrival of my sister who throughout her whole lifetime  has pushed herself into first place. Not a problem for me. Mother and father however were naturally in shock.

Imagine comfortably cuddling their beloved newborn; forming that connection. Then oh wait not one but two!

So there it is.

Now imagine the drastic change within the galaxy and movement of all planets and whatever undiscovered universes exist, busily doing there thing zillions of light years away. Hence,  twin and I are more mirror twins.  Polar opposites.

She has loved but loathed me since she was aware that I arrived on the scene.

Many years of no physical connection or demonstration , words of affection.

Laughter yes from all four of us occasionally. Very dry humour, thank goodness I grew up with that. My saving grace..

Eventually I bravely introduced the words "I love you" and physical hugging. Touching heaven forbid. Rigid Cardboard figures. mother and twin eventually became more malleable.

Father just could not return the hug but never pushed me away. I sensed his love so strongly without the physicality.

Sadly I have only recently been advised that twin most definitely has narcissistic traits and I have to keep on setting and changing boundaries. I have not seen her for nearly two years. Only responded to a couple of curt, abrupt,  capital letter written text messages.

I struggle with this and am still in disbelief as I spent my whole life mediating the iron triangle of mother , twin and self. Me being the one to mend the bridges each time. One of them booted me out or stopped talking to me for whatever obscure, minute reason. Probably because I asked a question.

Answers so many puzzling questions and puts perplexing situations into perspective in as much as they can be.

So they are in the mix within the bubbling cauldron of prolongued, and disenfranchised, chronic  "T" and grief.

Several of many other ingredients.

The cauldron bubbles away as I write, sometimes in the background sometimes completely overwhelming.

There is change. A breeze floats through providing some temporary  relief.  

My beautiful friend , Nature, is reaching me again regardless.  There is some hope.

This is rather heavy and morbid.

I will close here and write another letter to you on a much lighter note.

Apologies about the content. I know that you have your own life stories of upbringing that no child would wish for.

Your letters have brought me much joy as you yourself mentioned to write to each other for so long never anticipated or expected. 

You help me feel part human and worthwhile as you read my words and comprehend some of the meanings behind them. Priceless.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Ems

I might not write every day as sitting at the desktop tires me out. I take so long to write as I do spend considerable time thinking about what I want to say to you.

Take care

[Emotions26]

Saluti  A M D

I have not had time to get to this one.

I feel like a child who has just noticed another gift awaiting to be opened.

Something to look forward to, hopefully tomorrow.

Take care as always friend

Ems

[Emotions26]

Hello Amd

I wish that I could reply sensitively to your posts.

My mind is quite confused at the moment and I do not want to reply in that state of mind.

All that I want to say is that I value your constant responses which I like to think of as letters.

I truly appreciate all of your efforts.

I am also so very sorry about such a morbid response to you earlier and hope that this has not affected you in any way. Most unlike me to open up like that. Actually says something about you.

I sincerely look forward to a new letter as I prefer to call them, from you.

I do hope that you manage some sleep as I am very familiar with insomnia and indeed fatigue.

Please look after yourself.

You are so valid in this world. You are in fact needed.

I do care about our friendship possibly more than you realise. The flippancy and underlying messages stimulate my mind and at the same time add another dimension of a strong friendship that most likely would not eventuate in reality. Unless of course both people were listening. When does that happen?

Enough

Please find some sleep at the very least rest. you so deserve it.

Ems

[Emotions26]

Salutations amd,

I will do my best to respond to your last two letters to me as I should have done before. Apologies.   I thank you again for writing directly to me. Loyalty and respect are strong values of mine.  Not withstanding that you can choose to stop writing at any time.  This I know that you are intelligent enough to trust your own intuition. 

As for humouring you decoding meanings behind meanings that is what draws me to your writings not seen as ramblings by me.  Clever expression of ideas and thoughts.  I feel as though I am being guided through the maze of your mind with clues concealed along the way.  Some unnoticed.  It would not be as interesting if it were that easy.  I love challenges of the mind.

Your interpretation of my effort at creating a vision was remarkably close in some points and actually touched on several concepts that float through my overactive mind.

Pyramids hold a great fascination.  They take me off on a journey through the undiscovered universes and incredible intelligence existing probably never to be discovered by mankind.  So that part is my searching my inner depths and questioning concepts always “what if”.   I thought afterwards of the towering building with stone steps and walls as being from mediaeval times with the heavy wooden doors.  I am wanting to travel back in time not forward though.  I am drawn to history and the incredible structures that were built back then in comparison to what are known as architecture today with all of the tools, equipment, internet available.  I do not marvel at modern architecture.   I do like some of it but there is nothing that touches me within. The doors once opened will open up many new pathways back in time where so much is waiting for me to learn.  The owl holds the wisdom and knowledge waiting patiently for my thousands of questions not yet asked.  Watching over me is the wisdom and knowledge that I learn allowing me to be me…. My mission for endless learning… ..He is a symbol of past ages also reassuring me that I am on the right pathway even though I have tripped on the steps not reaching the doors. I must rest and regain strength before continuing.. He reassures me that I am allowed to rest and look after myself… take care of me before all others….I am important enough ….no different to others in need of help…therefore I can lay there safely and rest… This is an analogy of what I am doing now resting and doing little as I try to allow some healing of mind and body. 

Crusade for me would definitely be a spiritual journey that I find myself slipping in and out of.  Enlightenment is always there we just have to reach it within ourselves…It too can come and go. It is beyond words experiencing..

You mention the Temple of Solomon which certainly had it’s ups and downs literally…Nothing has changed today fighting amongst the so called dedicated religious.. everything that the bible sets out within the ten commandments overshadowed by power, greed and control from mankind.

Funding the Poor fellow-Soldiers of Christ, I read that the Templar knights were prominent in Christian finance, managing a large economic infrastructure throughout Christendom.  An early form of banking indeed.. This did not survive more battles of course.. new leaders. .theft and yet another move.  Quite an interesting read.

To be continued  Ems

[Emotions26]

Buona mattina amd,

I am hoping that you are safe from the incredibly strong winds and flooding perils affecting different states. You might not even have power. Hoping also that people living alone are being checked on for their safety.

In response to your announcement of a past position that you held " a budding mad scientist" in your own words. Am I surprised? Well not expecting, that but knowing you as I do, no not overly surprised. Holding a live brain gosh what an experience to have under your cap amongst many  other achievements. Probably even more that you are keeping to yourself.  The best thing about that experience is that you had it. The fact that you did not continue along that pathway is not a failing or defeat of any kind at all. More a, well I did that now I will try something else. You have a strong curious mind and a passion to learn. As I said before there is much about you to be proud of. The hardest part is others can see yet when we feel pain and lost within, we miss all that we have actually done and are. We humans are so complicated.

You are also an humanitarian which to me speaks realms about a person who cares for other humans.

Well have to move and do something even though motivation and interest level is zilch.

Will hear from you when you are able , I know.

I found out more about bluebirds also. Very interesting. Another letter for another time.

For now my owl is close by. I will send you some kookaburras as their laughs are exhilarating.

Take care friend

Ems

[amd1953]

Greetings Ems,

I have been without power since Saturday, and it was only restored late this afternoon.   Very frustrating experience.   However, moving on regardless.   I see you have been busy during my absence so now I have to play catch-up.   Thank you for using such glowing colours.   I felt myself visibly blushing.   Yes, humans are complicated.   I certainly agree with you there.   I don't think I will ever fully understand any of them and heaven knows I have tried my best.   Hence, why I am flying solo now.   I have the battle scars to prove it.   I think I have enough Kookaburras already.   They come and laugh at me every morning.   But I would never deny you anything.

amd 1953

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

I have no siblings, so I am completely ignorant of the ramifications of having any.   I would imagine that they could either work for you or against you.   Just as other people have their ways.   I find it better to ignore people these days.   Rather than get into heated altercations, I simply walk away from any fractious events.   People might mean well or not as the inclination presents itself.   In my experience, I don't even have to do anything to warrant such attentions.   It's a form of adult bullying and I avoid it like the plague if I can.   I always let them win because it puts milk on their cereal.   Children and adults.   There is no difference that I can see.   Only the element of intent.   Here I go charging off at a tangent again.   I do like people enough to want them to avoid me if they have ill intentions.   I have had enough interaction with all types of people in my lifetime and I am sure there are some new ones I haven't even met yet.   The gigglers and the smirkers, as I call them.   It is a unisex movement which crashes through the moral jungle and adheres itself to anything it finds.   When I was young, I thought we were all here to help one another, if we could.   I don't think anyone told me that.   It was something that I believed was innate.   It is like a foe in battle, they try to figure out your weaknesses before they commit themselves to engagement.   It is a very complicated formula and to this day, I do not properly understand it at all.   It is as Mr. Darcy claims in Pride & Prejudice - "There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil - a natural defect which not even the best education can overcome".   Whatever that evil might be is determined by character and circumstance.   My demeanour grows too gloomy.   I must lighten the mood.   

I am glad that I have brought you some relief in this mangled world.   I can claim the same for myself.   You are an oasis in a sand desert.   Someone to believe in and admire from a distance.   Although I have a limited knowledge of who you are, it makes no difference when two like minds mesh in empathy and sympathy.   I am certain you are expressing the same belief.   It is a union of trust in a world full of chaos and anguish.   So, I have gained some sleep tonight due to the power being restored and my beloved Daikin doing what it does best.   Keeping me warm.   I will finish this now and sit here for as long as I can before my eyelids begin to close.   Then it is off to my bed where I dare to dream of miracles and nice people at the end of rainbows.   I wish you everlasting peace and harmony.   

amd1953

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

I have been asleep for a few hours but not sure as to the exact number.   Perhaps 2 or 3.   Now I am wide awake and wondering what to do with the time that I have remaining before I slowly succumb to tiredness once again.   I have been thinking about that past week and the situation of not having power to run the things that I consider essential to life.   As you know, it is not exactly warm yet and for the four days that I could not run the Daikin, I began to consider similar events in my life that left me feeling wretched and helpless.   I could not think of any at all.   What made it all worse was the fact that there was no way of knowing when the power would come back on again.   I appreciate the workers who were obviously trying their best to return everyone to normal but at one stage I found myself despondent beyond belief.   I really feel the cold which is obviously due to the blood-thinning meds.   I wanted a nice cup of coffee to cheer me up and above all, I wanted God to intervene and make everything good again.   On Tuesday, I was sitting at my computer desk.   It was late afternoon, and a sudden wave of negative emotion came over me and I put my head in my hands and asked God to help us.   I cannot make any claims to being religious by any stretch of the imagination but sometimes you find yourself doing something that is not normal.   An hour later, the power came back again, and I just felt this amazing flood of relief and awe.   It is truly impossible to describe the experience.   A lot of people would say that it was coincidence that the power came on when it did.   I cannot say anything else on the matter.   It would all be redundant.   The weather has been so calm during the last couple of days and the high winds and rain have died down.   In my mind I am constantly offering thanks to whoever picked up my little world and set it back right again.   I would also like to think that this might have been a sign that this universe is beyond understanding.   I am sure there is a divine power shaping our lives that we will never be able to fully comprehend.

Thank you, Ems, for being there.   Your friendship is the most precious thing I have.

amd1953

[Emotions26]

Saluti amd, 

I want to thank you for your heartfelt thoughts.  You express your thoughts so well.  Apart from the fact that I am a highly sensitive person and a very deep thinker, apparently, I have strong sensory perception.  We are both aware of our empathic and compassionate sides.  Your words reach me as though you are talking to me in person.  As though we are present in each other's company. I can sense your pain and despair that you described during that ordeal.  I cannot change what happened.  I can let you know that those feelings and emotions were very real and a survival reaction. Please be very proud of you.  You thanked me for being there.  I wanted you to find my words once you returned safely and know that you were not forgotten.   I was thinking of you.  I hope that the union that has formed will help us both to feel less alone when troubled.

Very brave of you to write truthfully about how bereft and heart- wrenching the whole power outage left you feeling.  I can only imagine like being within a dark cave waiting for some sun to shine through.  In that moment of need you reached out for help for “us” you stated; not just yourself.  You are a genuine humanitarian.

This brought you the help that you needed.  Nobody can tell you, amd, how or what that was.  Perhaps something close to a spiritual moment where your soul was touched, for you to hold onto and treasure. Perhaps not.  That moment was very special for you.   In my thoughts, proof that you are so worthy of being heard and helped. 

Divine power.  Yes, I believe that there is something for each of us if we are open to belief in something.  No matter what culture or where we are, we reach out and ask earnestly to be heard and help will come; not necessarily what we expect.  We can stretch our thinking and be open to each of our senses as sometimes help can go unnoticed.

This connection that you and I have formed here, is surreal for each of us seeking support when joining here.  Not knowing what to expect.  We both joined around about the same time.   I was lost and could not find other responses to posts.  Then out of nowhere was Owed to Solitude that took me off on a journey of wonder at the same time feeling for you from what you expressed behind your words.  What is important is how we feel within as we reach out on the forums for help.  Every person's experience is unique. 

I am truly honoured to read   Your friendship is the most precious thing I have.

I believe that this friendship that we have is not like any other that I have had before, aside from the fact that it is via the internet.  It is beyond words really.  I am comfortable with that.  Sincerity and truth can be so very hard to find within friendships even those that are long term in the real world.  I liked your words   It is a union of trust in a world full of chaos and anguish.   I sense that you are genuine and sincere.  I have come to trust you.   In the real world this does not come easily for me as time goes on.  Even on the forums I am careful.

No more kookaburras then.  How about parakeets?  They come and play on a huge fallen bough in my garden.  Be gentle with yourself and take care.  Rest and sleep as much as you can.         Ems   every moment sensed

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

I hope you are happy and well.   I am not sure where I have been for the last few days although it isn't quite as mysterious as it sounds.   I've been in one of those terrible cycles where I come on to the BB forums and I spend an hour writing a page full of stuff and then, instead of pushing the reply button, I do the delete thing.   And then I get frustrated, and I shut down the computer and come back later to repeat the process.   Heavens above!   So, after three or more days of this I am going to speak my mind, hit the reply button and be done with it.   I feel as though I have travelled back in time to a place where I have absolutely no idea what is going on in the world.   I am an artist desperately trying to find his place in the world and discovering that there are no vacancies.   An artist like Constable or Turner.   Trained in the classics but with a foot in the present and the future.   Telling colourful stories of brave knights in armour, rescuing damsels in distress and slaying angry dragons.   Now that would be the romance of the lost narrative because I would always be a lost soul searching a little longer than I should for that elusive unicorn in the field of green and gold.   It would always be a Sunday afternoon with the bellringers practicing their craft and the smell of woodsmoke in the air.   This is where I would be all of my life. Living in the past and hoping to find something there to ease the centuries of pain.  Even through that fine and noble cause, there is the sudden realisation that I am not a painter with colours but of words.   Words are the only things I have to create something out of nothing.   My canvas is the stark white page on the computer screen, but it has to be filled with light and dark, shadows and dappled sunlight.   Field greens and yellows.   Tree browns and greys.   Moss, lichen and mushrooms added to bring the picture alive.   But there are storm clouds gathering and I have to surrender to the idea that there is no place for me here.   The vacancy has been filled and I never quite made the cut.   The deepest cut imaginable.   The saddest thing about all this is that I only get one attempt at perfection, and it eludes me in the same way as the unicorn does.   Does that sound like life?   I think it does.   A life lost to lofty ideals and sad nothingness.   I come from a different world that no one else has ever seen.   Shame on me for letting the story slip through my fingers.   Maybe next time or the time after that.

I am lost for words Ems.   Lost in a world of mixed realities and emotional imagineering.  

Adieu but not goodbye.   If none of this makes sense.   Maybe next time!

Artistic Meandering Delights 1953