Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

I awoke this morning to the sound of rain on my roof.   Nothing like being so in-tune with nature that you can pick out each raindrop as it falls.   What might have been even more impressive would have been the sound of a thunderstorm in full swing.   Anyway, it seems to have all quietened down now but the sky is one solid mass of dark grey cloud cover.   Like something out of a scene for Wuthering Heights or Jane Eyre.   What a vivid imagination?   Well, when that is all you have to cling to, you try to claim its full glory.   However, swiftly moving on.   Perhaps I should pay attention to the 1954th dimension.   The one that holds all of the secrets of humanity.   I drift from dream to dream in the hope that one day it might all make sense.   It had better be soon because my days are numbered.   From terrestrial to celestial in a hundred years.   I might make that the title of my new book that I will probably think about but never write.   Simply stunned sounds better than suspended animation.   It suggests that equilibrium will soon be restored.   The morning is speeding by.   I am already on to my second cup of delicious coffee.   Now I wonder what the rest of the day might bring.

Fare thee well, brave knight of truth and light

Anno Domini 1359 Medieval

[amd1953]

Addendum

Perhaps, sad was a little dramatic.   Let's just say, expected.   After all, I saw it coming a mile away.   I have the attention span of a septuagenarian.   I have read a few pages of Pessoa today, but I am in no mood to continue with it.   My mind is leaning more toward the production side of writing instead of endlessly searching for new ideas.   I have enough of them to last me a lifetime or three.   Well, I won't make this a major contribution.   I just like to reply to each post you make if I can.   As I said, I need no excuse to write anything today.   As a matter of fact, I can feel a new notebook coming on.   I found a brand new one yesterday that was crying out to be filled with amd1953 nonsense.

Sayonara

AMD (Astronomically Maddening Definitions) 3591

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems26,

This morning, I had to make a dash up to the local supermarket to purchase some essential items.   Mainly, milk for my coffee.   If I don't have that then the world is a sadder place indeed.   Anyway, I probably couldn't have picked a worse time to set off because it was cold, wet and windy.   However, I achieved my aim and now I am ensconced, once again, in my monastery cell, listening to the elements hurling themselves against my humble abode.   I'm set for the day now and I am relishing the thought of what lies ahead.   The older I get, the more introverted and set in my ways I become.   But I don't mind that at all.   In fact, I welcome the peace and solitude to finally be able to do what I want to do instead of jumping through those endless hoops and hitting those bumps in the road.   I doubt very much whether life could get any better.   I wonder how many people would be satisfied with their lot in life.   Oh yes, the simple pleasures.   I am happy to just chugg along with no real ambition or guiding principle.   I don't think I could have said that with confidence in the past.   I suppose it just goes to show how our trajectories track the orbit of our stars.   Another couple of days and it will be a new month.   Heavens above!   I don't think I have ever felt time passing me so quickly.   Probably because I don't do very much.   Just enough to keep myself interested and ticking over.   I have had no trouble slowing down to a reasonable speed to accommodate the days of my life.   Better that, I think, than forcing the issue and making a chump of myself.   That has happened before much to my chagrin.   Last night, I had a dream about a very large house.   A manor house, no less.   In the deepest heart of the English countryside and owned exclusively by me.   Of course, I am the only resident and I spend my days carelessly roaming from room to room, delving into everything that I find.   Now that would be a life worth living.   Musty, dusty rooms that invite me to linger and read the books in the library or search through old cabin trunks filled with many lifetimes of treasures and nostalgia in the attic.   Anyway, the rest of the day is calling.

May the winter bluebirds shower their gifts upon you

Amd1953

[amd1953]

Good morning,

I hope that you are happy and well.   Me?   Well, I am just fine and dandy, thanks for asking.   The sun is shining, and the birds are singing.   What more could an aging male wish for?   As long as I have my computer, the internet and my sanity, I will prevail.   My computer allows me to write, and the internet provides a cursory connection with the outside world.   As for my sanity, well, we shall see.   It provides me with a certain amount of hope for the future.   As I scour the internet for signs of life, I ask myself what the true meaning of life really is.   Does it exist at all?   If so, do I really want to know what it is or even care?   So many questions, so little time.   My existence has now become entrenched in the realisation that any quest for knowledge and meaning will end in disappointment and delusion.   However, looking on the bright side, there is always the hope for world peace for humanity to benefit from.   I have already claimed my peace.   So, I am a rebel without a cause.   Hallelujah!   I will probably never see the light because it is so dark.  I only have the stars to light my way through the rest of eternity.   Heavens above!

A Letter from a Martian 

[amd1953]

Good evening,

Well, here I am again.   Nobody can ever accuse me of not being persistent.   The thing is, you see, that it is essential for me to think that I am writing to someone.   Not just anyone, of course, but someone who, even if they don't know me personally, can relate to me on a slightly grander scale.   I'm talking about words of course, because that is all I have to fill my days and nights with.   Well, at least until I lay my head down and fall asleep.  Which could be any time at all.   I suffer from a dreadful lack of sleep at night but some days I catch up during the day.   So, one day it might all just catch up with and then that will be the end of it.   I have totally given up on the idea of finding someone to share my life with and I theirs.   People will say that it is never too late for anything, but the writing is on the wall again and so large now that I can never ignore it.   If I stop to think about how I have been unable to mesh with anyone on a one to one, face to face level, it leaves me thinking that there has to be something wrong with me as a person.   At least I can say that I have felt love for people, but the sentiment is never returned.   It is part of my personal history that I used to lament.   Now of course, I value my solitude, my privacy and, dare I say it, my aloneness.   That may sound a little sad but if you could see what I have had to endure over the course of one lifetime, it would probably be made clear that it is no casual comment.   Some of it is my own fault.   I suffered from a deplorable lack of social astuteness and awareness.   There was no attention to social cues, and I always sank my boat before I got into the water.   It was like this forever.   Well for as long as I can remember.   Now, it is all quiet enough for me to gather my senses and appreciate that what I have lost is indeed a blessing in disguise.   Letting nature take its course is often the wisest navigational act.   Even if I go around in circles, there will never be an end to it.

Perhaps you are not coming back.   I have already resigned myself to that prospect.   I will always wish you well.

Adieu, mon ami.

amd1953

[amd1953]

Good morning,

Another day dawns.   A little cold and cloudy perhaps but certainly a progression of time and space.   Always essential when desiring to move forward.   The older I get, the more introverted and set in my ways I become.

The whole world seems a brighter place when I am left to my own devices.   Solitude brings peace and quiet in a hectic world of noise and chaos.   At least, that is what it seems like to me.   A humble nobody.   A wretched figure of a man born totally alien to the rest of the seething mass of humanity.   Little wonder then that I am misread and misjudged.   I am a stranger in a strange land.   My thoughts, once spoken are scattered to the four winds.   Destined to be a voice crying from the desert, which is where I belong.   I have travelled through many lands, only to find that I have never visited any of them in person.   It is all in the mind of the weary soul who dares to walk barefoot on the cold earth of oblivion.   But there is a bright side to be witnessed.   Solitude, after all, brings a conciseness of thought and personal intent.   An intent to be as good and truthful as humanly possible.   Evil is exalted under the cover of darkness while daylight heralds the arrival of the possibilities that life presents.   I am content to watch the rest of the world brush past me until it has disappeared from view.   I realise now that I do not have to keep pace with it or succumb to its many temptations.   As I have noted previously, I must have someone to receive my communication.   Even if they do not hear it, my job is done here.   In the beginning was the word.   I think we all need some kind of faith.   Faith in ourselves to see us through the endless night.   I only wish I felt that faith as strongly as I do the rest of what I hear.   Usually, it is the voice of condemnation that I hear and seldom any kind of praise for a job well done.   These are only words that mean as much or as little as anyone reading them wishes to attribute to them.   I listen to the roaring traffic passing by.   It all seems to be taking place within my head and then it grows quiet and lost in a kind of time warp.

amd1953

[amd1953]

Good morning,

A tad grey & gloomy this morning but we are supposed to be getting to 15C today.   Hopefully the sun will break through and cheer me up a bit.   I don't usually need cheering up.   I have nothing to be sad about, so I display a stoic resilience to everything.   I have made it part of my defence strategy.   I awake each morning and I rejoice in the fact that I am completely alone here.   Nobody to nag me or get under my feet.   What a treat it is to be able to bask in one's own solitude!   I think I have had enough of people to last me a lifetime.   The one's that I used to have to deal with face-to-face, I mean.   I am certain I would get on someone else's nerves too.   I think it might be the age thing.    Pretty sure of it.   Never mind.   There are other things to focus on, but I cannot think of any at the moment.   I am only responsible for my own amusement.   Everything else is a matter of chance.   Pessoa tells me that I should put off indefinitely what I don't want to do today.   Now that is my kind of mentor.   I have the highest respect for him.   I am sure we could have been brothers in a past life.   That would have been a novelty for sure.   I have never had any siblings.   My parents were not in the mood apparently.   Following the initial meshing, I suppose they found grievances to fuel their hatred for each other.   Cest la vie!   Well, I just wanted to start the day by declaring my love for mankind and the world.   I get like that sometimes.   I would to write a lot today.   Hopefully it will all make sense.

amd1953

[Emotions26]

To a very dear friend, indeed.

amd1953.

I cannot express in words the emotions that flooded my mind as I read your letters.

I had to double check that you were actually writing to me. I hope that I have not imagined that.

I humbly plead for your understanding and forgiveness in my absence of responses. I noted that I was actually logged in. Heavens knows when that occurred.

You see I have not only been impacted by the dreaded "T" (trauma - I do not like giving it such a name but the diagnosis is prolongued chronic "T") So I refuse to feed it further by stating the word unless absolutely vital. This is one of those times. My body then decided to throw all caution to the wind and contract some god forsaken virus that tested negative to the three main concerns of the day.  

As I was seriously unwell for about two years with glandular fever at the age of 17 and then later chicken pox at the age of 40. Bedridden for 6 weeks for each it appears that the body ungenerously stores some of the nasties for life. Hence I have been bedridden or settee ridden for three months? I have no idea. I have had none stop mind theatrics, visions, fevers and chills. I have tried to work out which one of the nasties is causing the most trouble. Throw in my long term sometime dormant mind issues well pick a number.

I truly have been worrying that you have written me off, stopped writing or just decided to never speak to me again. I would never just stop writing without giving a reason.

So much of what you wrote I agree with for myself. Yet in you I read that there is so much more of you that I can sense, feel than you can. Humans we truly are our own worst enemies.

I will not be able to write anything of interest for a while but will endeavour to fire up the desktop and leave messages of some sort.

I might start with a few words (or a few more than a few) and wait to see where they take your mind. If you are interested.

I too have been enjoying sweet solitude having excluded most people from my life.

I am so happy to  read that you still after all that you have endured are able to declare your love for mankind.

We are more alike than we perhaps realise. Different again in some ways hence a connection through letters.

so without further ado

"As I gingerly climb the long cobbled pathway leading to strong centuries old wooden doors, I trip not noticing the steps before me. I had been bedazzled by a towering building that was certainly not constructed in the last five centuries. I lay there very still unnoticed. An owl decided to circle above me with caution and then precariously perch on the stoned wall adjacent to the stone steps. Watching.

Sending you an owl to watch over you. Magnificent birds.

Never stop writing. You were born to write.

Ems 

 endless muddled sensations

[amd1953]

Greetings Ems,

So pleased and relieved to see you back again.   But also, sorry that you have been made to suffer.   Please don't think that you have to force yourself to write to me.   I appreciate that there are other aspects of life that have to be addressed first.  

Yes, indeed, all those letters were to you.   Who else would take the time to read my tangential scribblings?   Who else would humour me by decoding the meanings behind the meanings of my incessant ramblings through time and space?   I am amazed that you have travelled with me this far.   

An interesting piece of writing.   It sounds as though you are trying to follow an established route, and you have your eyes on the future which is why you tripped.   The ancient doors are keeping something from you so perhaps you are travelling back in time rather than into the future.   Could the towering building be a pyramid perhaps?   As you have stumbled, you might be grateful for the cover so that you can gather your senses.   The owl is interesting too because it can symbolize either wisdom or foreboding.   Perhaps a combination of both.   If it is watching you, then there could be a message or a sign forthcoming.   Very interesting.

As for my own journey.   Well, I am busy doing nothing, working the whole day through.   Trying to find lots of things not to do.   I am busy going nowhere, isn't it just a crime?   I'd like to be unhappy, but I never do have the time.   Bing Crosby knows all about this one as does Rhonda Fleming.   1949 is the magical number.   Seriously though, and I do dislike that word immensely, I stumble along in my own way, trying to defy gravity and anything else that dares to hold me back from my true purpose in life which, as an original founder of the Temple of Solomon, is to fund the Knights Templar.   A religious crusade or a spiritual journey?   Who knows?   Probably the latter rather than the former.   Have I ever told you that I once held a human brain in my hands?   It was all part of a wet lab I attended as a budding mad scientist many moons ago.   I passed my first year but then suffered a heart attack.   Fortunately, I survived but as a future scientist, I fell by the wayside.   I seem to do a lot of that.

But enough of this nonsense.   Let us face the future with renewed optimism and fight the good fight.

Nil desperandum Ems

Audaciously Mesmerizing Demonstrations 1953

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

I hope you don't mind if I write every day.   Please don't feel that you have to reply to everything I say.   Most of it is rhetorical anyway and the rest is just plain waffle.   I wish I could change into another gear because I am always running at the highest speed possible not gaining any headway.   Perhaps that is how it is meant to be.   I'm not really sure about that.   If I could switch on the overdrive that would be even better.   Thank heavens, I don't have a turbo fitted.   That would be shocking.   However, carrying on regardless.   I love old black and white English movies.   They signify everything that is bright and good in the world.   Comedy or drama, it is all the same to me.   My life has been a bit of both plus lots and lots of tragedy.   Probably more tragedy than was good for me but that is another story.   It's a lot like trying to find your way through a maze without a compass and no landmarks to identify.   The landscape always looks the same with the same figures and the same dark sky.   It could still be reality, but I doubt it, very much indeed.   Sometimes my dreams become realities and sometimes my realities become dreams.   It is sometimes hard to distinguish between the two of them.   I wonder how many people spend their later years trying to, bothering to understand where they went wrong instead of appreciating the difference between good and evil.   My sensitivity to everything I encounter is a curse and my understanding of it a victory over reason.   If I had lived through the Enlightenment, I would surely have co-authored an encyclopedia.   I would have helped the heroes without ever having the chance to be one.   But I would not have minded that at all, if it meant achieving the grand design of which we are all supposed to be a part.   While there may not be a universal meaning of life, we all have the power to make some difference in our own little worlds.   What we do might not help the common good, but we can at least help those who can add something, however small.   My choice is to keep well out of the way of everyone.   

I have ascended into waffling and that is usually the time when I should switch to standby mode.

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