Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

I am so sorry to hear about your recent experience.   It must all be very upsetting, and I can't even begin to imagine how draining it is on your soul.   It is times like this that we need to draw on that inner strength to help us through the stress and pressure.   As for the negative people we encounter, I am sad to say that this life contains every kind of person imaginable and even more than we could probably ever imagine.   It is difficult to remain calm and composed in these situations and I hope that you will take any quiet time to heal yourself.   Life is like that, isn't it?   It never rains but it pours.   We all wonder why we have to endure such negativity but there is often no opportunity to pick and choose the chapters of our lives.   We must live it as one narrative.   Your own experiences and losses sound vexing as they would for anyone who make themselves available to others because of their humanity.   As time passes, I hope that you will be able to find lasting peace in everything you do.   If we always do the best that we can and even though there is no recorded history of our work to try to make this a better world for having been a part of it.

Sending you more bluebirds

Ciao Ems

Any Minute Detail 1395

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems

I have always warmed to the idea of ostracization.   There is something very comforting about not being like everyone else.   I don't like standing out from the crowd and I don't like being the centre of attention in real life.   By real life, I mean face to face interaction with anyone.   During the many centuries that I have been alive, they used to hunt warlocks too as well as witches.   I wouldn't mind the idea of being a warlock, but I would try to practice white magic instead of the black variety.   I would be a good witch and not a bad one.   But everyone would think the worst of me so I would never live that down.   As it is, I inhabit a shadowy world of forking paths.   I never know which one to take so that I am always heading off at a tangent to the direction of travel.   I forgot to tell you that I am studying at university again as an external student.   Remember last year when I lasted a week before I pulled the plug, and all my dreams and expectations went speeding down the gurgler?   Well, I am into the sixth week now and quite proud about it too.   There is still hope that I might become an educated person after all.   I need a new standard to judge myself with and this could be the answer to all my prayers.   Not that I pray much these days but when I do, I do it well.   I would love to believe in something, but we are always told that we have to believe in ourselves.   That is not as easy as it sounds sometimes.   I watch the ticking clock as the seconds roll by.   An insidious route to nowhere and yet a promising one.   I would like to think of myself as Rick Blaine in Casablanca.   Owning such a cafe and being able to watch the rest of humanity enjoy itself while remaining amazingly aloof from it.   Here's looking at you!

AmD1953

[Emotions26]

Salve AmD1953

Grief has been horrid to me and I have hidden myself away from the world in an attempt to look after me. I attempted to respond here over Easter and was unable to log in. Muttering and grumbling at the computer. It is a wonder that A1 has not banned me for life!  

Well I am not like anyone whom I have ever met and do not believe that I ever will be. I prefer to blend occasionally listening to intelligent people having interesting conversations on rare occasions that present themselves. My not going out much does not help in this area.  Love that you have been alive for many centuries and look forward to reading more. I used to have a regular vision of a black horse drawn carriage carrying a black cloaked figure then a huge bonfire. Outcome of healers called witches centuries ago. A good warlock or wizard practicing white magic is a reality. There is a presence within Australia they keep within certain safe circles. Who cares what everyone thinks of you AmD and how would they know? Forking paths sounds like a usual outing where I get lost with my zero sense of direction.   I do remember your university study. Well done in succeeding. You just needed to find the right time for you. That will bring you a strong sense of achievement and fulfillment which you very much deserve. 

I set many boundaries these days and am improving greatly in recognising the energy of others.

How about a good wizard practicing white magic with your customers totally unaware? Oh to be a fly on the wall. I found this for you  A true wizard never stops learning, for knowledge is the greatest power.  

Ems    Eventful meanings settling

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

Hiding away is the most sensible thing to do whatever the reason might be.   I find the world just too much and, for me, the only way to cope with that is to retreat from it all.   People and situations leave me gasping for breath, like the proverbial fish out of water.   Instead of feeling as though I am missing out on something, I always feel safer when I just have myself to contend with.   Don't get me wrong, he can be a handful at times, but he always means well.   There is a great price to pay for being different.   As you say, "I am not like anyone I have ever met".   That can either be a curse or a blessing, I think.   There are far too many hidden pitfalls in this life, and I have managed to find most of them.   But now I have the experience of knowing what they are.   My greatest mistake was conformity and the desire to be a clone of everything I saw.   I held no personal views, only mirror images of the rest of humanity.   No wonder I felt lost and alone.   Once again, it is the price someone has to pay.   Now that I am on the last leg of the journey, nothing else matters than to grow old gracefully and without guilt or denial.   Hard to do sometimes.   None of us asked to be here in the first place so it has all been a massive voyage of discovery.   We may pretend that we're in charge but in reality, we are not even close.   

May your future be blessed with peace and tranquility.

Discussions Made Amazing 3591

[Emotions26]

Salve am d

Even when you are describing a life of isolation that for most is hard to comprehend, I still sense your dry wit underlying some of your wording. I think that I have a tiny glimpse through  a window of am d. I rather like your name written that way. I hope that you do not mind. Let me know as after all it is your name not mine. Who am I to presume that I can change it? Rather playing with an idea that appeals really.      It is hard to read that you are hiding away which of course in an essence is exactly what I am doing for the majority of time. Leaving the house for the most essential of essential appointments.     

Yes to the "I am not like anyone whom I have ever met" being a cursing or a blessing. The people with whom I connect are different which is exactly the reason why I am drawn to them. When no dark matter or energy descends I feel a sense of surprise also hope. A great price to pay for being different in one sense. Staying different "what a relief". There are actually rewards.      I am e (ems). Different again to you, of course as we already know.  I have never tried to be a clone of anyone. I have almost defiantly stayed different despite the fact that I hated being told that I was. Perhaps I was defying my mother. Might explain her constant frustration and silent treatment. Mostly doing the opposite of what I was told unless I saw merit in the suggestion. Doing it my way as well. Yet I at the same time felt that I did not fit in! Are you starting to understand how different to being different I am?

I have been rearranging two bookcases and worn myself out at the same time relishing skim reading and finding lost treasures. Could not have paid for the experience of such delight if I had tried.    It truly is a pleasure to hear from you even though our writing has become less frequent due to real life.    

Momentarily some darkness and other dread has left me alone thank goodness.                 How are you enjoying your studying?

Peace and tranquility I promise to let you know when I receive such.     I send you calm and serenity in return. I have trained one of your bluebirds. This might take a while to reach you. A sense of direction and contending with technology are not known skills of a bluebird.

Sandwiches made enticingly 26 varieties   Picnic?  Or perhaps pull up a chair at that European outdoor cafe back in time.

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems26,

I agree that most people would not be able to fully understand why someone would want to shut themselves off from the rest of the world.   However, I no longer hold that thought because whatever people think is no business of mine.   I am so tired of trying to make myself palatable to everyone else.   This is why I shut myself away because I don't want anyone else to have to deal with me.   It feels like the safest thing to do, otherwise I might just take the next shuttle to Mars or, even further afield, Neptune.   However, that would not solve anything because everyone knows that the planet Earth is the only place that humans can exist.   In this form, anyway.

So, I have to continue my existence here.   To carry on regardless.   Undaunted and unfazed by anything known to mankind and womankind too.   If I wanted to experience some new evil, I would have to conjure it up myself and I will never be able to do that.   I think along the lines of truth and light.   I am a good, decent person at heart, but I have flaws and weaknesses which I should never expose to the light of day.   When these are known they are played upon and pegged out on the line for all to see.   I refuse to expose myself to such mockery. (Charles I).   A caged tiger will only suffer so much humiliation before it bites back.   I have been able to resist the temptation to do so for over seventy-one years.   That's a long time in anyone's diary.   And yet, I remain an undiscovered planet in an unhospitable universe.   I am off the radar and never to be realised as the star that I am.   I am joking, of course.   There is that irrepressible dry humor that you often refer to.   It might just be a defence mechanism.   Something to throw back at the world as I pursue my elliptical orbit around the sun.   It doesn't necessarily have to tickle anyone's fancy to be effective.   Here begins my lasting joy (Henry 6, Part 3).

At this point I must break off and return to my pile of hay to gain a few extra hours of much needed sleep.   I am tired beyond belief.   Adieu, Ems26, my angels await me. 🙂

Amazingly Multitudinous Deliberations 1x9x5x3 = 135

[Emotions26]

Salve   Amazingly Multitudinous Deliberations 1x9x5x3 = 135

I like it. Raised a chuckle. How lovely to read something that awakens my love of humour.

We all have flaws no matter what anyone says. That is what makes us more interesting or a few of us anyway. I am intrigued by the fact that you mentioned about believing in truth and light. I wrote a piece about that very fact; light matter. The following is not it though.

My gallant white horse for justice carries me forth as my shield bears the crest for truth and honesty.  All part of my unique rabbit hole. Merely a description of my visual standing up for injustice somehow somewhere for someone at some time.

I find myself smiling at everyone and strangers talk to me more and more. It is fun as I am only out of my rabbit hole once a fortnight or once a month.

I say take the shuttle to wherever and enjoy the ride. Let me know if you meet some interesting people. Yes you are joking I am aware, as I picture you pursuing your elliptical orbit around the sun. You must permanently radiate with heat.

Attempting to keep my home warm is becoming more difficult as the nights and early mornings are so chilly. I am thinking of having a woodheater installed even though I have a ducted heating and cooling system . I had one years ago at a former house as well as an open fire place complete with mantle, hearth and a lovely wide chimney, elsewhere. You probably have one at your home. I love the open fires and starting them waiting for them to take off. Mesmerising moments whilst staring into the flames.

I have enrolled in a writing, one off brief course in the local hills for next month. I can’t even remember what it is about without looking it up. Should be interesting as I have not done anything like it before and a change is as good as a holiday. Who knows I might even be inspired to new heights writing some poetic prose.    I  Might.    How many books have you written over the years?   

I have written pages and pages about similar topics but have not tried to make anything out of all of my words. I would not even know how to start.  I hope that some of these brief courses will enlighten me to take the next step. I am not interested in publishing anything. I would love to create some sort of a manuscript for my eyes only though.

I do hope that your hay has been refreshed and you benefited from some comforting hours of sleep to replenish your energy. Your angels are watching out for you.

Ems

Energised manifested stars  2 x 6   Nakshatras

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

I seem to come alive at night.   That doesn't mean to say that I am in a state of suspended animation during the day.   No, it's just that my mind is constantly evaluating and analysing everything that is poured into it.   Useless information, some might call it but to me everything is worthy of consideration and inspection.   It can always be discarded at a later date when deemed redundant.   Unfortunately, my sad news is that I have yet again fallen by the wayside in regard to my efforts to obtain a tertiary education.   At least this time I can boast that it took me ten weeks instead of one to lose interest in it all.   My head is too wild and wooly to be restrained by organized education.   Mine is a free spirit that flows like a river, throwing itself on things that it encounters and then quickly dispensing with them when they become tedious.   Leaving them all behind me with little more than scant regard.  So, there is an end to it.   Never to be spoken of again in historical terms.   I shall be like Pessoa, who also attended university for a short time but then opted out to spend his time reading voraciously on topics that intrigued and interested him in the library.   I see I must do the same as my idol.   

Your writing course sounds like fun.   I hope it gives you all that you hope for.   A wood heater would be the ideal way to go.   I do have one, but it has not been used in a very long time.   In 2022, I had a heat pump installed in my lounge and that provides all of the heat I need to warm my little Summer Palace.   I am glad that I can put a smile on your face.   It is a much happier option than reducing you to needless tears.   The silence of night wraps itself around me like a favourite dressing gown.   Once the bustle of day has gone, this place becomes a silent place of solitude.   I read my book purchases slowly and methodically on Kindle.   What, I ask myself, would I do without it?   Probably read the labels on jars with a giant magnifying glass, I am guessing.   Well, I will leave it there for now, place a stamp on the envelope and post this before the midnight hour.

May all your days and nights be blessed with truth.

AMD1953

[Emotions26]

Hello AMD1953

No one thousand nine hundred and fifty three magnetic dimensions in this letter.

The hay is calling you.

It must be catching as I am now in sleep debt and last night was the worst in a long time. No sleep at all.

I think that I might be in a state of suspended animation actually.  Well said.

Or perhaps simply stunned.

I shall put pen to paper once feeling more refreshed or at best awake.

Until then

Energy multiplied 26 times over please

Ems

[Emotions26]

Postscript

For me not sad news re tertiary education not stimulating you sufficiently.

More the case the world is your own open book to explore.

Study at your own will and whim.

Free

Ems