Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[amd1953]

Saluti Emotions 26

What a strange world I live in.   It must be so different from everyone else's reality.   Well, that is the impression I get, anyway.   It all seems surreal sometimes and without any purpose or meaning.   Perhaps, I expect too much, and it is just the world's way of telling me.   But then, if everything went the way we wanted it to, someone else would suffer or miss out on their dreams and then I would be the guilty party.   What is it with humans?   Some of us have everything and others nothing at all.   I am not sure which category I fit into here.   I have something and nothing.

I find myself staring at this old photo once again.   An innocent little boy of about five years of age.   I can say without fear of contradiction that if he had known what was waiting for him further down the track, he might not have felt so innocent.   Does one feel innocence at that age?   Do we even know what it is except a word denoting ignorance?   Ignorance is bliss, they say.   I only wish that were true.   I have spent nearly my whole life trying to be as ignorant and as innocent as I can be, and it has never worked out for me.   It's a bit like singing a song without words.   All you hear is the beat of a different drum.   Everyone else in the world is passing you by but you never care about it.   You just let them go and be what they want to be.   You are happy just to be you and do whatever it is you were put on this earth to do.   I have never discovered what that purpose is for me.   It all seems to have gone without notice.   Not even a whisper on the wind or a ripple on the pond.   

Each morning, I awake, I notice two thought processes in progress.   The first is to ensure that I am still here and the second, to make sure nobody else is here with me.   Once I have safely established that there is nobody standing over me with a soup ladle, I can breathe easier.   After that I just wait for my day to unfold in front of me.

What a strange alien I am.   Surrounded by humanity but not actually a living part of it.

May your life be everything you wish it to be and more.

A Metaphysical Dream 1359 AD

[Moonstruck]

Saluti Emotions 26.....what an unusual name.  What are its origins?.   Loved your post, not sure how to answer it but I don't think it even needs a response......good one!!   

[Emotions26]

Salve   amd 

Your reflections I read a few times.  No delving deeply.  I allowed the words to flow over me, float into my mind inviting self-contemplation.

 Feeling alien to society is a whole different kettle of fish.  I have written that I live on another planet and pop in and out of this one. You are most definitely a living part of your world. I believe that you choose to live your life the way that you feel most comfortable with. You pursue your interests.  Finding balance is important. More people like you please in this world. Perhaps there are some inside their fortresses.  I hide behind my centuries old tree at times.

 I find, engaging in meaningful conversations feels like a myth. I have friends from many years ago who want to catch up.   My grief will not yet allow me to do this.

Attempting to do an online course via counsellor became fraught with technical problems. I have another appointment to start again. She sent a message thinking that I had left the planet. 

In response to   May your life be everything you wish it to be and more.  I continue to allow my curiosity to reign strong. I will never allow those who judge take away my questioning life.    I am learning that life can be whatever we want it to be if we are brave enough.  Finding that bravery and acting on the desire is the dilemma.    

May your reflections take you on unimaginable journeys. May you feel safe and free; without fear of judgement from those who are ignorant.

Eminent memories settling XXV1

[Emotions26]

postscript

amd

my reply might sound clunky and lacking substance

I struggle with word count etc.

Edited so many times taking so long to write one response.

I do understand the necessity in keeping space for others to be able to write also.

The forums are for everyone.

Ems

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems

We are all searching for that elusive something, aren't we?   Sometimes I sit here and just listen to the energy crackling around me.   It's always very intensive and I am sure that it means more than I could even imagine.  When you spend your life searching and hoping for those answers, we leave ourselves open to receiving all kinds of stimuli that enter the mind and reside there until they find a reason to leave us.   The negative energy has to be forced out while the positive tries to heal us.   I know that meditation has always played an important role in opening the third eye.   Some call it the mind's eye.   Anyone who has spent time listening to Tibetan Prayer Bowls knows how powerful they are in focusing the mind.   It's a kind of harmonic energy that calms us and releases the negativity with in us.   If you think of the mind as a pond or lake, then certain people and situations cause ripples that disturb the harmony within us.   Not only in the mind but throughout the whole body.   If one or more parts of the body are out of sync, then we experience physical stress.   With the mind, it is a similar experience.    Buddhist monks have perfected the practice so well that they can eliminate all of this negative vibe within.   I have read a lot of books that detail the experience of meditation to assist a healthy mind and body.   I know some of it might sound esoteric but western minds are not as open to the metaphysical aspects of life as some of the eastern cultures and philosophies.   There is more to it than meets the eye.   Excuse the pun.   It is the same with alchemical practices in the Middle Ages which were supposed to relate to the transmutation of base metals into gold.   In reality, the teachings were focused on improving the human body and the soul.   The search for perfection in an imperfect world.   We have to begin the process with ourselves as the base metal which, after the various stages of process and elimination, we become gold.   Well, that's the theory anyway. 

Until we meet again

Another Metaphysical Detour 1359

[Emotions26]

Salve amd

 I am sensing the energy crackling around you. I can well imagine at another level not yet experienced by most. My awareness of energies has heightened. It is a great protection to sense this.  Who else might be picking up on the vibes. How far away? I don't know therefore it is irrelevant. I love the fact that you have delved so deeply into the Buddhist beliefs. I have meditated myself not from reading though. I think that my curious mind and craving to learn more comes from a Buddhist form of inner thought - perhaps. I do enjoy reading about Buddhism.  I have my own Himalayan singing bowl which I have stored away in a safe place currently not remembered. To be found by surprise when looking for another treasure or even every day item. There is joy in that actually. I agree wholeheartedly about western society and the eastern cultures having had this conversation many times. Those who have been subject to racism for so long hold far stronger, wiser beliefs within their cultures. They conserve their history and ancient traditions.  The eye beholds much does it not. I can certainly stretch that comment out in many directions but word count will not be happy with me.  I hope that you find joy in your writing always. It is comforting to read the calmness in your reply as you travel back into your meditation experiences transcribing them onto sadly not parchment only an electronic device. This is our means of letter writing. Thank you my friend.

When Notre Dame strikes   Empathic signals   viginti septem

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems

All we want out of life is someone to understand us.   We just yearn for that kind word or gesture and then we are usually OK.   We just want someone to listen and to hear us out.   If we have problems that nag at us, we have to tell someone about it and then have them commiserate without judging us.   The key word here is empathy.   We just need someone to recognise us and be on our side if only for a fleeting moment.   I have never found that in face-to-face dealings with anyone.   Not one person has allowed me in through their defences and if they did, it was for their own agenda.   Needless to say, nothing ever lasts forever but when it doesn't last the length of a conversation then you have to ask yourself why!   It doesn't take a genius to see why I prefer to have no one around me because in the past, and that is all I have to go by, it is safer for me to fly solo.   You get used to being on your own when you find it hard to trust anyone.   There is nothing wrong with me in the same way that there is nothing wrong with anyone else.   It all boils down to temperament and patience.   Not many people have it these days.   The world needs compassion.   But not many people can afford to have it all the time.   We're all afraid to speak our minds in case someone gets upset.   That's no way to live a life.   Taking offence at something is the coward's way out but also the easiest because it doesn't cost anything.

Another Midnight Deliverance 1953

[Moonstruck]

amd 1953....beautifully put and so well written.  Very complex thoughts.   love Moon S. xxxx

[amd1953]

Hello Moonstruck

Thank you for your kind comments.   Much appreciated.

Regards amd1953

[Emotions26]

Salve AMD 1953

Firstly, sincere apologies for not getting back to you sooner. I am not about to make excuses. I need to let you know that I have felt so lost within my grief. Another friend lost and the funeral was last Friday. Very moving. A burial at the local cemetery where the last time that I had been there was for her daughter-in-law who had suffered for too long and passed at quite a young age. The most difficult part of the day was outrageous outbursts from one of the son's of the daughter-in-law. I realise that his grief is insurmountable. This does not give him the right to be so disrespectful to his own dad whom he has not spoken to for four years. He also disrespected his grandfather who was struggling already with the grief of saying goodbye to his long term wife.

She had been very unwell for several years and was in advanced stages of alzheimers in a locked facility. (I had spent many occasions before she was admitted taking her out to lunch, shopping or back to my house and making dinner for them.) (My mum passed away with advanced dementia and I stayed with her in her final 3 days. )This person also disrespected his Nana who passed, let alone all of the guests there trying to celebrate her life.

I am still in shock from all of it. I cannot understand why and how people can be so abusive. His wife is a narcissist I was told. I have had to learn about them the hard way, finding out about them having too many in my life, too close to me. They are pure evil. Yet each time I am shocked.

Sorry to write of this to you. I wanted to tie it in with your comments about more compassion and empathy. I know wholeheartedly of what you speak. I give it out in bucketloads to the extent that I am depleted and want a break from it. When you have this naturally there is no off button. It is so so draining trying to be myself, give this to others and yet receive all of this evil. There are just not some answers to some heartfelt questions.

I will write to you another day dear friend when I feel more at peace.

I was meant to be going into respite care for a week and that got messed up! I have had to deal with that on Friday as well as today!  I suddenly thought "Oh no I have not replied to amd"

Best I not write anymore today. Please do not take any of this negative energy on yourself. Do take care. I will be back when I have caught my breath and learnt how to breathe again.

Ems

Emotionally manipulated plural