Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[amd1953]

Hi Kitty,

I had to smile at your comments about the "how are you"? discussion.   It was funny because this is what life has become in the big city and the not so big ones too.   We are now automatically programmed to be polite and caring but without the necessity to care anything about the person we are enquiring after.   It's like asking someone the time and not really needing to know.   Something like that anyway.   

Regards

AMD1953

[amd1953]

Hello, Again, Hello, I feel as if I am about to burst into a Neil Diamond song.

Sorry to hear that you missed out on your writing group, Ems.   Hopefully something to look forward to in 2024 if not sooner.   

I have to confess that I am not exactly au fait with Greek mythology so I will have to do a bit of research and get myself up to speed.   I know more about Roman and Greek philosophy, but I am always keen to acquire knowledge and improve my mind.   I decided to cancel my next scheduled visit to the dentist because it seems pointless taking up a booking spot if there is nothing wrong with any of my teeth.   It would be much better to let someone who is really suffering take my spot.   So that avoids another trip into town before Christmas which is something I am always willing to do.   I will probably wait until early in the new year now before making an appointment to have an eye test.   I dislike planning ahead because it ties me down to a course of action that cannot easily be undone.   

I read a few more pages of The Book of Disquiet and I am truly blown away by this wonderful writer.   I don't think many people would be willing to open their hearts or their minds to public viewing.   But it does make fascinating reading, for me anyway.   Pessoa left behind so much unpublished work that he must have written every day of his adult life, I am guessing.   I wonder what his reaction would be today, knowing that every word he has written is now being scrutinised by people who have a genuine interest in reading his work.   Now and then you discover someone who passed from the world too young, and you find yourself wishing that they could have lived forever.   But that is too fanciful a comment by far.   At least he has left behind him half a normal lifetime of memories and observations.   

Great writers always leave you with the desire to know more about them.

Well, I shall stop myself there because I can feel a tangent coming on.

I wish you every good thing in your life.

A Moderate Determinist (Anno Domini 1953)

[Emotions26]

Hello Anno Domini 1953

A moderate determinist hmm very  clever. Now I have to put my thinking cap on which seems to slip off frequently.

Evermore Meaningful.  Oops this is supposed to go at the end.

It is great that you have a book that you connect so well with. That is the true intention of books for one reader at least to connect with the words of the author. So many people become noticed after they have passed away.

We are back on a familiar subject here. He is one of so many artists discovered this way.

Having a great desire to know more about him can invite you to read more of his works.

Have you made your appointment at the optometrist yet? Just checking. I need to wait until next year for my new limit. I left my glasses at the airport. Not there when I rang the cafe. No surprise there.

I invested in a coffee machine with real beans. I have found out about a place where they source them from a plantation. One of the directors visits the plantation apparently. They grind the beans for me so I do not have to buy a grinder. I have the coffee delivered and wow superb. However, strong and I am having to add water from the kettle which is sacrilege I  know. Otherwise I would be walking around looking like someone from a horror film scene eyes fixated. I love the smell and the whole preparation process. My treat for myself.

Nothing exciting today, washing. More to do of course. Brought some in and put some out, what fun! Gardening hopefully tomorrow. The week gone was a medical one and has left me feeling flat.

26 reasons to smile.

Some homework for you and anyone else reading along.

Everlasting merciful  storytelling (Ems)

[Emotions26]

Hello mmMe

Thank you for the support button.

I stopped by here to leave a message for our friend Amd.

Wondering if you are totally absorbed in your garden now and too busy to write. Caught the gardening bug?

Reading Pessoa and cannot put the book down?

Found a new pastime that you are totally absorbed in.

Are you well?

Hoping that you are busy busy busy and otherwise occupied.

Look forward to hearing from you as soon as you can.

Ems

Me s

S me

[amd1953]

Greetings and Salutations Emoticons26 aka Everlasting Merciful Storytelling 🙂

I hope that you are well, and that the Bluebird of happiness has blessed you with his presence yet again.  Never ever too busy to write to you.   No new pastimes either.   It is Pessoa's day off today and yes, thank you, I am as well as I can be.   Thank you for asking.   My problem on here is writing something and then when I read it back to myself, I think I can make it better.   So, I delete it and start all over again.   Unfortunately, nothing gets published.  This afternoon I will write flowingly yet carefully.   This morning was grey and gloomy, and I found myself mirroring nature.    There is something to be said for being attuned to nature, but one should never ever let the sky be the limit.   

The worst thing about living in your own little world is occasionally you have to let the real-world in.   Last Friday I had to reluctantly lower the drawbridge and raise the portcullis to allow an electrician to enter Camelot.   Shock, Horror!   I had to have a new light fitting installed in the kitchen and a pesky troublesome switch replaced in the laundry.   Fortunately, the work was completed in a timely manner and, as soon as the dust had settled, everything was back to normal.   Now I have to wait for the bill.   I don't think it will be far away. 

Well, I think I shall rest there and post this before I delete it.

I wish the compliments of the day, my very dear friend.

3591Dma

[Emotions26]

Well,

Greetings and Salute amd1953 aka 3591Dma

Anyone would think that we have a secret code. If we do, can you let me know via another code what this code is and how it works please. I have a sneaking feeling that the answer is whatever comes to mind at that moment in time. It does add a touch of fun though I feel to lighten some of the more serious subjects that we broach. I do sense that you are tired. It is not easy living alone. You have created a world, by choice, to live separately from the external world as much as possible. You write how this suits you best and allows you to live a life where you can be more of yourself, pursuing some of your interests. That is quite an achievement. Then there are moments as you described, where heaven forbid that drawbridge has to be lowered allowing a complete stranger to invade your personal space. An electrician entering Camelot now that would have been a Monty Python scene similar to the Coconut horse. Waiting for the bill! I thought that most tradespeople wanted payment up front often before the day they arrive, these days. You are still human, amd, possibly similar to far more people than you realise. The difference is that you write about it, thank goodness.

At first  I felt the humour riding your words and again I smiled. Then I thought; perhaps it is not humour it might be actually sadness and you are making an effort to write something. You did say that you had deleted so many.  Or if not sadness, you might even suffer depression and you do not have to answer as we write only what we want to on these forums.   Whatever your reason. I did want to check on you and now I will thank you for replying even after so many attempts. I very much appreciate your efforts.    As far as editing, correcting, deleting, I am more than familiar with that exercise. I too think oh gosh what utter tripe have I written yet I must write something. I worry also as I said the last time that my feeling flat comes out in my writing and might further upset your mood. Ludicrous really. I am writing on a mental health site. 

It is lovely to receive a response and these do feel like letters. All of us are on these forums to be noticed, read, heard and receive a response.

To be able to continue to write to someone is very special and this interaction does help me feel more worthwhile. So I thank you for all of your letters.

Take care and I hope whatever might be weighing down on you, if at all, dissipates sooner rather than later. If not just keep on writing.

Next time you think about editing just read back over some of my replies and you will think twice about your own words.

I am not marking your writing, by the way.

Se 26 m

The bluebird of happiness is flying back to Camelot returning your kind blessings.

Ciao

[amd1953]

Good morning, Ems,

I hope that you are well and happy.   I admit that I do get a bit down from time to time and I do try to keep it in check.   I would call it disappointed rather than sad.   Disappointed with my life and my reaction to the rest of the world.   However, I hope it doesn't spoil a harmless exchange between us.   You were right of course about the secret code.   I just write down the first thing that pops into my head.   Always a dangerous practice for me.

Today the drawbridge and portcullis have to be lowered and raised once again respectively.   The energy company want to fit a new smart meter to Camelot, so I am obligated to oblige.   The meter should have been fitted a few weeks ago but there was a disturbance in the force.   It will be interesting to see the outcome.

Not much else happening here, I am happy to say.   A few late knights and the peasants are revolting but otherwise nothing out of the ordinary.   And that is what I am trying to achieve.   Something out of the ordinary.  Ordinarily, ordinary would be quite acceptable but I am no longer willing to accept second best.   I must have my slice of cake and eat it too.   If I am lucky, it may even have icing on the top and a cherry.   How about that?

I have it in my mind to do some writing today so my computer keyboard could be overheating at some stage of the exercise.   I always wake up in the mornings brimming with ideas.   Unfortunately, some fade away in the first hour or so but there are still enough to keep me going at full steam.   Dreams are a good source of inspiration too.   In most of my dreams I am trying to get away from someone or something.   I have never been caught yet because I open up an invisible trap door and disappear underground.   I'm sure you can see the connection here.   I have so many ideas for stories it's not funny.   I should get around to writing some one day.

Well, I think that might be it for the moment.   I look forward to hearing from you soon or whenever you find time.

Have a wonderful day.

AmD1953

[Emotions26]

Hello amD1953

Changing your secret code so to speak adds interest to the whole conversation I feel.

A dangerous practice you say? Not in my mind. That describes exactly how I write. Whatever pops into my mind as I am writing is transcribed onto the computer or paper. Then of course the correcting at the end.

Writing about your feelings in a way that you are comfortable, is good. Feeling disappointed is a natural response. None of this would ever impact on us writing to each other on this platform, from my perspective.  We all come here to connect with someone or some people and talk about what we want to. I was checking in on you, certainly not judging you in any way. If that is how it felt I am truly sorry.

More visitors at Camelot. Good grief! Good Omens! Word must have got out! The peasants are revolting! Guards Guards.

Good to read that you are no longer willing to accept second best and why should you? Let the writing flow.

I wish mine would. It must not be forced though.

You mentioned dreams escaping from a source. I think from what I have read this is actually experienced by many. The mind's way of still dealing with something that you have not yet fully addressed. Nothing sinister. Of course in your writing it could develop into anything.

I am aiming to get outside after my shower. The sun is out finally!

I must get back into my book again as well. I need to settle my mind more. Hopefully the warm rays of the sun will help that come about.

Please continue to express how you feel if you find comfort in doing so. I will not question how you are any more as this seems to unsettle you. I enjoy writing to you and receiving your words in return.

Enjoy your writing as it is a gift that you have.

eMs

[Srfr]

Feel this post is very well written; I relate to you a lot. Struggling myself with the anger these social mores imposed upon us create. Just being myself now, pretence be gone! Learning the hard way….

[mmMekitty]

Hello AMD, EMS & all,

Just a comment or two:

I'd like one of the smart meters myself because, once set-up for you, unless there are problems with it, your meter can be remotely read, so, no-one nees to come around to physically read it, anymore.

& about writing whatever is on your mind, the disinhibited flow of consciousness writing could feel 'dangerous' because of the unpredictability of where one idea can lead, or of even realising the places we usually keep tucked away being revealed & allowed to take the stage ... that, I think, feels scarey & so also feels dangerous. But if we dare allow ourselves the freedom to openly express the dangerous & scarey thoughts & feelings, we might find we can accept them more easily as parts of ourselves, & perhaps, not keep them so deeply hidden away.

& yes, (hello Srfr), I have noticed how intelligently AMD & EMS think & write. (I hope you two aren't blushig ).

Hugzies

mmMekitty