Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[amd1953]

Hello Ems,

I have a few of those anniversary dates too that tend to haunt me on a fairly regular basis.   I hope you can find the strength to overcome them as best you can.   All of these things are sent to try us, aren't they?   What would life be if we had nothing to worry about?   After all this time, I thought I would have been able to gain a better understanding of life with a little insight here and there to justify my membership of the human race.   And what a race it has been!   Little surprises around every corner but nothing dangerous.   Thanks Mr. Wonka.   I am sorely tempted to write a manual for living.   It might not sell many copies, but it might be of some use to a few people who might appreciate a well-placed sign here and there.   Instead of "Wrong way Go Back" it might be "Right way Keep Going."   I could have used a mentor myself during those heady days of youth when I was as clumsy as a bull in a china shop.   I used to be glad to be alive back in those days but then something happened to deflate my enthusiasm.   I think it was called "growing up."   I had that phrase thrown at me quite a lot.   It always seemed to come from people who gave advice but never needed it themselves.   Never mind, it will all come out in the wash as the saying goes.   I think I will add windmill to the places that I would like to live in.   I'd be happy anywhere as long as there was somewhere to hide when I felt the need.   Which is 99% of the time anyway.   I know I would make an excellent badger.   But the chances of that transformation are extremely remote.   I read a few more pages of Pessoa today and am making good headway.   I don't know what I would do without Kindle's ability to enlarge text.   Most likely go and get an eye test for new glasses.   Maybe one day!   The artist takes reality and makes it better.   I think that might be a jolly good idea.   I think reality needs a bit of a makeover now and again.   It would probably be good for us all to experience an alternate reality to the one we have now.   I've been doing it for years.   "Once more unto the breach, dear friends".   Life is but a dream, within a dream.   Do you think that it is possible to live a life within a life?   Sounds rather exciting!   Well, my wafflemeter needle is on high alert so I will take my leave.

Adieu, a sweet surrender to the hands of time.

AMD1953

[Emotions26]

Hello AMD1953,

Following on from my last post and also your acknowledgement of anniversary dates that can still have an effect on us.   My current effort is to  remind myself not to focus on the painful memories as they are past.   I must focus on not letting the past drain any more of my energy.   This makes perfect sense and I feel a tiny speck of relief as I repeat this to myself.   Then the internal conversation continues swaying in all directions inducing emotions triggered from memory.   So the voyage begins again flying around the painful truth, until feeling drained.   Next strategy to distract.   Walk outside if the wind is not blowing.   Notice new flowers opening their colours and offering a wafting scent to soak in.   The many different birds chirping away and I am brought back to the now.   Life is going on and I am wasting it with the energy dealing with the emotions. Around and around.   I do believe that it is working, though it does not feel that way at the time.   Sometimes I know that I just have to allow myself to feel the pain as that is where the love lies.   Then another voyage begins.  Occasionally when I venture out amongst the hustle and bustle of society, someone might ask me how am I.  This usually stops me in my tracks which is ridiculous.  I still have to reply and pause as I try to come up with something that is pleasant to hear.  Then there is the question "what have you been up to?"   This one usually finds me staring into space as I try to think.  I can't really respond with, "oh I have been trying different strategies to work through the pain of my emotions!" or "I have been practising distractions." "I have been on several voyages.  No I have not actually physcially been anywhere.  Mental voyages which are so draining.  The days go by so quickly with my voyages.  Can you imagine!  So we hide so much from others, not just because we do not want to converse with a person, but also because we can't possibly describe what we have been doing!

Thinking about how cruel the world is of late, I was quite surprised at my reaction to an episode of our planet programme. This described the feeding habits and survival percentages of young penguins.   Less than 50% of fluffy young ones survive as they wait for their parents to return with food.  Let alone the scavenging, seagulls hovering around their beaks when dinner arrives.  Once they transform into young adults they must swim off in the ocean to learn.  Here they are at risk of being swallowed up by great whales lurking in the seas. So it is not just the human race, or the world it is the planet that can be cruel also.  Survival of the fittest. 

Growing up an old and interesting expression.  Physically we grow up into different sizes and shapes.  Emotionally intelligence wise, well some just remain at the same emotional age for life.  So for me, an old saying that makes no sense. 

I say yes, write a manual on living.  An interesting exercise for you.  I would love to hear some more ideas.  Pessoa has become your companion after all these years as you read his words,  learning more about yourself.  A wonderful gift to leave the world.  How is your writing progressing at the moment?  Do you write your thoughts as they flow or do you have a curriculum of sorts that you have designed and follow?  My thought flowing is silent at the moment,  honouring my current emotions no doubt.  Yes I believe in your concept of dreams within dreams.   Life within life is a definite also, in my mind. 

I do like the phrase "the artist takes reality and makes it better." 

As you can see there is little substance in my response.  A further indication that my mind is restless.

Adieu monsieur et saluti gentile signore

Ems

[amd1953]

Greetings Ems,

The world is indeed a strange and sometimes wonderful paradox, absurd and contradictory at the same time.   How is it possible to deal with such awful conundrums and then expect to return to normality?   For one, I am lost in a maze of mazes.   There is no answer to what we are witnessing.   I don't think there ever will be.   Yes, people ask how we are, but they would never expect to be told the truth.   They are waiting for the usual polite response and the answer that contains no information whatsoever as to our true self.   It's just a game of words.   I am so tired of playing games.   

Today I drove into the city because I had a dental appointment.   I arrived home in one piece and the dentist could not find anything wrong with my teeth.   Perhaps it was something similar to a phantom pregnancy.   I have no idea.   Anyway, I have to return on December 14th for another review.   I was amazed at how well I handled the traffic and the people.   Well done, me!   However, I was so relieved to pull into my driveway with the recognition that I was home!   I was so tried that I fell asleep on the bed for a couple of hours.   I seem to be turning myself into some kind of demonic drama queen.   Today was the first time that I have driven my lovely car for months because there has been something wrong with it.   It was finally fixed yesterday, and it drives like new now.   All it needed was a set of spark plugs.   Unbelievable!

I was all set to purchase another car, but lady luck was smiling at me for a change.   Isn't it refreshing when the cosmic tumblers just click into place?   Well, now I can settle down for a month before I have to go into town again.   I love that feeling of not being obliged to do anything.   Just pottering around at my own pace.   "Simply messing about in boats" (The Wind in the Willows).   I don't have a boat and I don't particularly like them or want one.   Messing about denotes a very nice lazy attitude.   I love it.   Life is infinitely variable and sometimes we see flashes of brilliance that reminds of how we would like to see the world around us.   Nothing more and nothing less.   Well, tangents are awakening, and I must resist the temptation to follow them.

May all your dreams come true, and all of your wishes be granted.

Laku noć

1A9M5D3 🙂

[Emotions26]

Hello my friend 1A9M5D3,

I did not realise that you had replied.   In reference to your response: Yes, people ask how we are, but they would never expect to be told the truth. They are waiting for the usual polite response and the answer that contains no information whatsoever as to our true self. It's just a game of words. I am so tired of playing games.  I relate totally.  I chuckled all the way through reading your words as I often find myself doing.   Similar to a phantom pregnancy you say. That one did cause my face to erupt into a beaming smile.  Did they x ray your teeth for your review in December?   I would have thought, more if the pain or symptoms persist, ring for another appointment.    Your infrequent driving matches mine to an extent.  My first venture to start my car only a few weeks ago,   I discovered that my car door was actually not closed only resting against the body of the car.  The light within my garage is not that bright.  Well that of course sent alarm bells of oh no flat battery.  Outcome was correct.  More than likely as a result of my hurriedly returning from my last outing to enter into my home,  overjoyed to be back as you mentioned also.   Oh the joys of cars and why do they stop working when we do not have regular services?  Laugh. Mine greeted me with a flashing service due once the battery was recharged.  Yes I know that it is overdue.  I also know that entails me having to drive miles away into heavily built up areas with busy traffic which I no longer want to have to endure.  The trouble is that it is a car that needs a mechanic who understands the car and bits that come with it!  Great news for you, that only spark plugs needed replacing.  Relish that fact whilst it lasts.  Well done in getting out also as I know how taxing that is.     I am feeling anxious having survived the aforesaid anniversary fully aware of the upcoming festive season and all that fawning looming closer.  Visiting two households where I won't get a word in edgeways, be heard.  There is that moment of entrance when some say hello and the questions "how are you? So what have you been doing?"  Well here we are full circle back on that subject. There will be some wee folk there, whom I always make a beeline for.  I love interacting with the younger and some of the older folk the most.  I had started reading again which I was enjoying but the desire has temporarily (I hope) vanished.  This is a pattern.  No writing at all.  I am making an effort to drive to my first writer's group meeting soon which I have been trying to get to since my return from my holiday.  Nasty Covid put paid to that.  My anxiety around attending has built within that time lapse.  They appear to be interested still in my attending.  They have not read anything that I have written yet though!  I did mention, when I last rang , I will not bring any of my writing to my first meeting.  She sounded a bit surprised but then she has not met me yet.  I said that I will observe and listen.  Then I can determine which pieces of paper out of my zillion piles, I believe might be apt.  Silence on the end of the phone.  I am pushing myself to go as I am hoping that I will be pleasantly surprised.  One can live in hope. I will go and ask myself "what can I gain from this as well as possibly offer."  Hopefully inspiration!!  Yes those fleeting flashes of brilliance within life that we can witness are truly wonderful.  I now feel within myself that the joy I receive from life is from the simplest acts of kindness, caring, fleeting expressions of surprise or enjoyment. These are spontaneous reactions.  Words exchanged that are genuine.  Well I know that I am not growing up or upwards.  Perhaps I am opening my mind and seeing more of what is truly wondrous in this world.    Having a person to write to who responds kindly with a sense of humour, I believe is rare.  I thank you.   I did like the play on your name.  Now I have to be creative and original.    Your lighthearted farewell message that sent me off scurrying to translate was most welcome. A novel way of learning phrases from other countries this little game that we have created.

hamba kahle

6emo2

[amd1953]

Good morning 6emo2,

This morning I was thinking how amazing it is to feel so connected with someone and not know anything about them at all.   In my mind, life is based on appearances of every kind.   At least that is the impression I had when I was much younger.   Of course, my attitude has significantly changed now, and I am past the point of caring about that kind of thing anyway.   If we base our own image on what we believe will make us popular with other people, then we will always be restless.   Always looking for needless ways to improve that will never be addressed.   Basing ourselves on other people's opinions of us.   What a complete waste of time and effort!   Anyway, enough of that nonsense.

Now that I am mobile again, I can see an appointment for an eye test coming along in the near future.   Perhaps even a new pair of spectacles.   Now that would be something to cheer about.

I had a welcome session out in the garden yesterday.   Firing up the lawn mower once again and coaxing the whipper snipper out of its extended winter holiday.   I spent a fair bit of time in the sun, so I am no longer lily-white.   It doesn't take long to get the colour back.   It must be something in my genes.   However, I tire very quickly now and once the back and neck begin announcing their protestations, I have to start packing up very promptly.   I just have to do a little bit at a time when I am in the right mood.   The joys of growing older!

Your writer's group sounds very interesting.   I wish there was something like it around here but then perhaps not with my badger-like aversion to social interludes.   I think I also have an aversion to being judged by anyone.   But I do wish you luck with your endeavours.   Let the brilliance shine through!   

Christmas is just around the corner.   How quietly it creeps up on us.   Well, for those who ignore the calendar.   My fondest memories of Christmas are with my family back in the 50's and 60's.   It all went downhill very quickly after that.   Never mind, I always think Christmas is for children.   Ignoring the fact that I am just a big kid anyway.   Time for breakfast, I think, so I will end the waffle-potting and engage in some kitchenising.

hamble kahle translated as "servant of kahle".   Is that what it is, or do I have the wrong end of the pineapple again?   Perhaps I should have used a different online translator.

Taking my leave but wishing you equanimity and tranquility in your life

A Mindful Decision 9 (Add the usual numbers and continue to the end!   This is what remains) 🙂

[amd1953]

Addendum

Nein!   That final conundrum only works if it is half of what it used to be.

[Emotions26]

So you have left me with a mouthful

A Mindful Decision 9

followed by the brackets leading me up the merry path and then yes

wait there is more

not a postscript

an addendum with a different clue.

I had already worked out the first one laugh. Nein? Ja

Well I am very impressed that you have been out in the garden mowing and enjoying nature. That is wonderful. I have only been out there a couple of days ago which is not good. Not Ja. I have a specialist appointment and then I will be back outside hopefully. As for your skin changing colour. Something in your genes I would say is pigmentation. I too tan when I venture out enough.European heritage.

I didn't get to my writing group had doctors instead. Joy. Not. Postponed until next year even though I received an invitation to a local book reading. Next year.

Hamble kahle was actually hamba kahle laugh which yes translates very differently. Only the zulu version of "go well" not the other one which is farewell as in forever. Oh dear. Not a good choice on my part there.

I rather like the connecting with someone whom I write to and not knowing what they look like. This adds to the creative side of this exercise for me. I am writing to a person whose way with words interests me. I enjoy your sense of humour that is mostly always underlying everything that you write including your little farewell name game. If I knew you as a person that would not be the same.

Appearances do cloud people's responses whether they are aesthetically very appealing or not. Sadly this is society and always has been. Look at the Greek gods even they coudn't get it right. Prometheus, Narcissus.

Try this one   

oh dear I have a very long rectangle again

meant to read in case it does not post

adjo min van without the diacritics

6 sno itome 8

[Emotions26]

hello mmeekkitty

Have not seen you about on the few posts that I follow now.

You might be busy elsewhere.

You had a very interesting conversation happening with our friend AMD there before about Paul Sachs.

I was wondering if either of you have read Eckhart Tolle.

I also was pointed in the direction of Ken Wilber who has some interesting thoughts also.

I am always open to reading ideas of others.

Reading I am not doing much of at all at the moment sadly. I got back into it and now my mindset is just not settled enough. I have two library books so hopefully it comes back sooner rather than later.

Ems or Emotions 26

I think that you know who I am now

ado min van is the latest mmee without the diacritics though

I do not have a clue how to do those on the computer!

[mmMekitty]

Hello Ems & Amds (Oh My Whiskers ... clearing my throat?)

Long ago, I'd played a little game/experiment with people when they asked me "How are you?" in that couldn't-care-less kind of automatic way many people do. I'd answer, "Oh crappy" & see if there was a reaction & how long it took for them to register what I'd said. I was rather astonished at how often people would reply, "Oh, that's nice", or similar, not registering my words at all. & on the occasions when someone noticed, & looked at me, (most people weren't caring enough to look in my direction), as if to ask if I'd actually said something unusual, like I'd spoken Sanskrit or an obscenity.

At first, I thought it was hilarious.

Then, I realised, it's a challenge to people to have someone in front of them who might be feeling unwell, much less feeling distressed.

Later, I thought, people don't want to know, don't want to get involved, or have to do anything, if they can possibly avoid it.

But now, what would we have them do, is the more difficult question to answer.

*

Writers' group: I hope they are not put off by you wanting to observe first, after all, you don't yet know if their group is a good fit for you & your writing. It would be great if there is a place, like a blog or website where you could read what their members are writing. That way, you could gauge if your writing is more or less similar, if they have a leaning towards a genre or not. Observing a meeting, you could see how well they encourage those who are not experienced writers. If they expect such a high standard such as one might if they were seriously contemplating publication, then you might easily feel out of your depth. If they are mucking about, not being at all critical, then there's every chance your writing won't improve by being in that group.

*

I'm not on BB so much these days. It's difficult. It's a combination of things, such as the eyesight, the memory, the tiredness brought on by a medication (I think), even the hearing, now, Yeah, I'm getting a hearing aid for my left ear soon, which will match the one I have for my right ear. I don't like how things sound via the hearing aid/s, but not hearing what I need to hear is what's at stake.

& busier, too, with going out for exercise, hydrotherapy, other appointments, too. Soon I'm going to see about the memory.

There are also too many posts I get upset about, & can't answer, either. It's too hard.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Emotions26]

Hello and thank you for your reply MMme

I will get back to you soon.

Have to get ready for a medical appointment in the city. Drat.

You are very familiar with that scenario

Ciao

Ems