Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[amd1953]

Good morning Em26,

How lucky you are to be able to travel as you have.   So many varied and interesting places to visit.   I really do envy you.   A great pity that you caught the Covid bug.   I suppose that is one of the current dangers that we all have to be aware of.   I don't travel well at all, especially on planes.   Although I chatter on about flying, I would much rather keep my feet planted firmly on the ground.   I believe in giving wings to the spirit but not the body.   So, you see, I shall just have to remain an armchair traveller.   I am still giving credence to my status as an alien of some indiscriminate origin.   I have no idea from which planet I originated so I can only refer to myself as something indistinct and extremely troublesome.   I am quite sure that my parents were earthlings but other than that I have no idea at all.   The passivity with which I approach life is both curious and devastating because my method of approach is indeterminable.   There is no reason behind anything I do other than I have a desire to do it and see what happens.   I have always suffered the consequences of my own action and inaction.   One day I am a cheetah and the next a sloth.   There is always a price to pay for everything we think and do.   Sometimes it is necessary to suspend belief in the here and now and simply "wing it".   There is that reference to flying again.   My flight log contains more crashes than actual flying time.   I no longer worry about such digressions.   Today, the word is survival, and it will be for quite some time.   All of the civilised niceties and social acceptances fade away into nothingness when you start picking through the memories of Christmas's past.   The first bicycle without training wheels and the first sea creature captured and burned beyond recognition.   Everyone questions the physical world but very few find the need to challenge the mental environment.   Why is that I wonder?   Are we afraid of what we might find lurking in broad daylight?   Who knows?   I question myself all of the time but never reach a conclusion.   I have just noticed a lot of spelling mistakes in my last post.   Shock, horror!   Off with his head!   Solitary confinement for life.   As Mr. Darcy once said, "There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil."   How can we deny such a powerful observation from such an educated gentleman?   It's back to grammar school for this little black sheep.   I once learned that I could have gone to grammar school rather than comprehensive.   What a life-changer that would have been.   I just didn't have a head for figures, that was one of my many weaknesses.   Just not good enough when it came to the crunch.   Now, there is no compunction to excel at anything other than survival.   There is no need to walk on hot coals or fight dragons to prove how wonderful I am.   I can choose to be as indolent or as active as I want to without feeling the noose tightening around my neck.   Hallelujah!   Let's maintain the deception for as long as we can.   Right, I am in the twilight zone now.   Time for another cup of coffee.   Time to stop ranting and raving!

May your days be filled with love and laughter!

AMD !(%#

[Emotions26]

Good morning AMD!(%#,   How much caffeine did you absorb the other morning?  Bold pen name. Lack of sleep I imagine. I do hope that you managed some hours of rest at least. I did not travel other than with my family when I was younger, to any overseas countries. I went back to the UK just over 6 years ago for 2 months. My trip this year was my first to Europe. I wanted to visit more than one country to relish the many different cultures; languages; architecture;  cathedrals; monasteries; etc. Viva Europa. I needed it. I feel that my strong, emotional connections to my ancestry were drawing me there. That was my dream. Not without major hiccups. Nevertheless that did not take away the joy of throwing myself into European life; speaking only a little Italian. Remembering more words the more I spoke only in this language on most occasions. Whenever people tell me that I am lucky in regard to something that I have achieved or have; my response is no; I am not lucky. I worked very hard and saved very hard. I pushed myself very hard. I have experienced so much pain over my lifetime and I did this. If you look at it from this perspective you might not think of the words lucky or envy. Might you wish that you were able to fly in an aeroplane and go on an exploration yourself, rather than feeling envy. The above is not berating or telling you off by the way. It is Ems doing her usual honesty speech.  How do you feel about boats? Somehow I cannot see you on a long term trip aboard some great passenger liner with all that scenario entails. Not for me. A gigantic ,floating; snail pace; shopping centre. Sailing off into the horizon, in order for you to disembark and form queues along with everything that I do not like.  Let alone the germ bucket scenario. Covid takes to the seas. Even so, millions flock to these holidays continually. As a matter of fact I have a couple of family members who love them. That is good. We are all different. Thank goodness. The “alien theory”. You arrived here somehow. You did state that your parents were earthlings. "Indistinct and extremely troublesome". Now that is not very nice at all Amd.  I describe myself as different now, even though I cringed growing up having been labeled "different and difficult" by mother and sister non-stop. Now I have turned it around and like being different. I am not a sheep. No baa in me. So you can join me if you like and be different. It removes so much self-doubt and criticizing from the mind; for the majority of the time, anyway. I don’t know if it is actually possible to remove it entirely. Or perhaps that is in the Duonium year. I am sure that it is on the way.  I very much like the concept of suspending belief in the here and now; simply winging it.  I am going to remember that one. For use for some of the time, as I do believe in the now philosophy.  Also I am one (different remember) who very much challenges the mental environment and will continue doing so.  There will always be the majority who do not question things that do not relate to themselves. Their purpose on this earth is for themselves. As for never reaching a conclusion, questioning self. My thoughts are, that there is no conclusion; which would mean an ending. There is always more to be discovered. An ongoing journey of discovery.Takes up hours of one’s day. Fascinating, all the same.  Oh yes the shock horror of incorrect grammar and punctuation. If I punctuated everything I would not be able to post my replies. I say too much!  Grammar school would have taught you different things. Would it have changed your world though? One will never know. That is a different story. A road not travelled.   I should be out in the garden. I have little energy still. Blasted covid. I will chastise myself later.I did look outside, can that count? Did you manage to fix your kitchen window, fortifying your castle? I hope so. How lovely to live in a very old home. I used to live in a 1910 built house which I loved. Have you ever done jig saw puzzles? I go through phases where I enjoy them. My cat interjects when I leave them unfinished somewhere as he leaps up and lands on top sending all of my hard earned time putting the pieces together. Well I don’t feel that I have said much really. I have just left many questions haven't I. Is that you groaning, that I am sensing?  There is some love and some laughter in my days when I think about it. I hope that you can find that too. It helps to look outside of the square and realize how much the word love encompasses.  Now, as an alien. Does that follow then that you have extraterrestrial powers? Do tell. Stay safe, stay rested, stay well, stay calmer. Love yourself for everything that you have achieved and hold close now, which is much. Warmest wishes    26   Ems

[Emotions26]

Postscript

I had to delete paragraphs, sentences, punctuation and edit about 5 times to keep under 5000 words.

Perhaps I need to write to you in chapters not books!

[amd1953]

Salubrious Salutations Ems,

Lack of sleep perhaps or high on life itself.   Could be one of those either or answers.   I try to avoid caffeine at night.   Although I do love my Moccona Hazelnut.   I don't think I would be any good on boats either.   We came over to Australia on one.   Twice actually.   First in the early 1950's and then again in 1970.   Constantly looking for a wandering albatross to give me a lift.   Their wingspan is an amazing 3.5 meters.   I suppose flying comes as second nature to a bird.   Well, it would have to wouldn't it?   I have decided to turn my back on Microsoft Windows 10 and install a new Linux based OS on my computer called Voyager.   I loved the name so I chose that one.   We are all voyagers in one sense aren't we?   I am more a mental voyager than a physical explorer.   I have seen enough of the world to keep me going until I kick the habit of living.   Depending on my mental state and my ability to look after myself, I would like to live as long as possible because I still have so much to learn.   One does have to keep busy and focused, doesn't one?   Isn't it funny how thoughts come into your head?   I just had a flash of a house I was going to rent when I was living in Brisbane in the early 2000's.   It had a big wide window in the lounge and a beautiful vista of the city.  I think I had to choose something cheaper but it really had an impact on me.  I can just imagine sitting there at night with the lights off and watch the night sky or some thunder and lightning.   Magic!  

Yes I did fix my window, thanks for asking.   I am getting quite handy in my old age.   Yes, different is most certainly the best way to be.   I would so hate to be normal.   But then what is the definition of normal?   Is there such a thing?   Perhaps we have to bring our own normalcy to our own life.   I wonder how many people actually succeed.   I have been reading my beloved Pessoa again.   Truly amazing concepts.   Also discovered the Stoic Philosophy and Marcus Aurelius.   The main idea behind it seems to be stop worrying and start living because it is never too late.   Did I tell you that I have a passion for lighthouses?   Well, I do.   I wish I could be a beacon of hope for someone.   No, I don't think attending Grammar School would have changed my life although I might have got a decent career out of it.   But hey, I love being a nobody.   Anonymity is my cloak of invisibility.   When I try to reason my way through life, that is when it all starts falling apart.  Now I just flow with the go.   Have you seen a movie called  "A Connecticut Yankee at the Court of King Arthur.   My favourite song in it is "Busy doing nothing".  I love it.   Anyway, I'm beginning to tangent,   But I suppose you are used to that now.

My life is so different today than it was seven decades ago.   Back then, I was surrounded by family and now they are all gone to a better place.   I didn't think that I would end up on my own but now I'm here it doesn't bother me at all.   It is almost as if I had been trained for it.   I'm fine with people at a distance but the trouble seems to start when I have to mix with them for any length of time.   Probably a couple of minutes at the most.   I'm not sure what that is all about.   It's most likely that everyone who has meant anything to me in the past has let me down one way or another.   I should have read that writing on the wall when I had the chance to see it for what it was.   You don't have to wear a mask when you're own your own and you can be whoever you want to be or not, as the case might be.   Well, I might call it there.  

I hope your world is blessed with every good thing.

AMD1953

[mmMekitty]

Hello Ems & Amd

Ems, first, about those two rectangular shapes, if you don't mind me proposing an answer to the mystery, or part of the answer... I copied them into a word document & it would seem they are table cells. I don't know why they have come into existance within your post - maybe it's a miracle? (If you believe in miracles, it could be, eh?) so I suggest leaving them alone & seeing if they split & multiply into a wonderful mult-celled table of massive proportions.

Amd, I have read a lot of Oliver Sack's work. When he said that Temple Grandin said she felt like an anthropologist from Mars, I felt I understood, & recognised a similar feeling in myself. She had to work very hard to establish a place for her on this planet.

Thinking of butterflies & how they might sense the moments of their lives, so short from our perspective, but, yes, why wouldn't a butterfly sense it's own life as being long enough?

When our lives was only, say, six years, didn't we feel am hour was too long, that waiting a few minutes almost impossible, when it seemed that the next Birthday was forever away? Now, (I'm 64), there seems barely any time for anything. I get up & have breakfast & an hour is already gone. I write a post here, edit, to find spelling error or to shorten, & another hour, sometimes quite a bit more, has passed. & next thing I know it's lunchtime. Make & eat lunch, & before I know it, it's time to begin dinner. The first three months seem to only last a month... & as I have grown older, I think how we perceive time passing gets faster & faster.

(it's actually a limit of 2500 characters, including spaces, allowed, & I suspect that the counter is still not accurate)

Imagine how quick time might seem to pass if we extend lives beyond 150 years, or even to multiple centuries? If my sense of how time passes continues as it has, I think living so long would be horrendous. A day might seem to go by in the blink of an eye, decades could go by without doing anything much at all.

Thanks for the thought experiments.

Hugzies

mmMekitty 

[amd1953]

Hello Kitty,

I hope you are well.   I think the movie "Awakenings" starring Robin Williams was based on Oliver Sacks work.   Correct me if I am wrong.   As for the butterfly effect.   I would feel that I was taking my short life in my hands by fluttering around too much.   Those pesky birds are always on the lookout for a quick meal.   Apparently, the Mayfly holds the record for the shortest lifespan - 24 hours.   Not much of a life even for an insect.   Whatever my lifespan might be, I am thankful for the opportunity to live it.   Even though it could never be described as particularly effective one, it has been lived as much as I dare live it.   Anything else and it might be misconstrued as a life of idleness.   That could be true if I had not been so industrious in making work for myself.   I think this world is confused enough with its own misdirection than it is with any individual social member falling by the wayside.   I would rather be employed in some universal grand plan to save the planet than I would by calling for its destruction.

Regards

amd1953

[mmMekitty]

Yes, Amd, that movie was based on Oliver Sack's 'Awakening'. Some of the people he treated had spoken to him about how they had sensed time, how when he adjusted their medication their sense of time passing was altered.

I most enjoyed how he would get to know his patients outside the hospital, in their world, observing how they lived at home & in the community.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[amd1953]

Good morning Kitty,

I used to watch that movie when I was studying Biomedical Science at Victoria University.   I found it so inspirational and also very touching.   I think that movie says a lot about the human condition and how we treat others who are elsewhere.   In a wider perspective, it also comments on how we relate to and treat each other.  We don't always have to be suffering for other people to treat us with care and respect.   I disagree with the observation that respect has to be earned.   The fact that we are here is sufficient for us to treat each other as fellow time travelers and not targets for our frustration and anger.   I can feel a rant coming on so I had better stop right there.

Regards

amd1953

[Emotions26]

Hello AMD1953,

Firstly, I must apologise for my late response. It has nothing to do with you. I really struggle on an anniversary date that has now passed at this time of year.   I find it difficult the week leading up to, on the day and at least a week after.   I was also contacted by a family member which further added to my feeling worse. I have not had the energy to write at all.   I have struggled to push myself out into the garden which is my haven for grounding myself and reassociating with “me”.   Probably sounds like gobbledy  gook.   No matter if you don’t understand.   It is difficult enough for me!  I read back over your post and will attempt to try and respond to a few of your comments. Immigrating to Australia (I am assuming in 1950 and then a holiday trip in 1970 returning back to Australia perhaps) would have been two very different experiences.   You would have been 3 though on the first trip and probably remember little of the ship.   You possibly remember more of the 1970 experience. I know of others who emigrated on those ships that took about 6 weeks I believe.The Fairsky, The Fairsea or The Fairstar.   There was also The Castel Felice during 1970. Then there are the other liners from other countries.   A very interesting subject for those who took the trip.    An insight into early migration and how that has paved the way to this country having great success from multi culturalism.   My father was sponsored under a professional skills incentive. Mum only agreed to emigrate if we flew over.   She hated any vessel that traversed the seas or rivers; consequently never learning  to swim.  You made me smile, yet again, with your comment “I suppose flying comes as second nature to a bird. “ I really do enjoy these little hidden innuendoes or quips that are scattered amongst your posts. Possibly missed by those who skim read.  Therein lies the joy of reading your words and taking in their content.   “We are all voyagers in one sense aren't we?   I am more a mental voyager than a physical explorer.   I have seen enough of the world to keep me going until I kick the habit of living”.    I agree with your interpretation of voyagers wholeheartedly; most definitely mentally as well as physically.  My mind is off on varying intensities of voyaging on a daily basis. Sometimes it is hard to stop the engine.   I would much prefer to be flying it myself as free as a bird. I am working on the piloting of my non-stop thoughts though.  An ongoing exercise.   Kicking the habit of living is an interesting way of expressing daily life also.

As for normal.   For many years I have spouted that there is no such concept.  It is a word created for research mainly.  It is not a word that fits the act of comparing one human to another as in all living creatures.  Each unique.  I will look up “A Connecticut Yankee at the Court of King Arthur.”    Also your favourite song - "Busy doing nothing".   Music truly does play to the soul. Well most.  Hmm; perhaps some.    I am pleased that you have reached a place in time where you are more than content with just your own company.   I strongly believe in this if a person has the mindset to want to.  For me I have far less interaction with others by choice.  I do find that I need company other than family occasionally.  The difficult part there is that most people these days bore me or I find them to be disrespectful and selfish.   Life!  In return, I too hope that your world is blessed with peace, harmony and contentment.

Ems

[Emotions26]

Hello mmms   and   AMD,

Apologies to you also for not writing sooner.   I am aware that you move around on the forums.  Perhaps it is a welcome break for you, not hearing from some for a while.   I do mean that in a nice way even though it sounds clumsy.   Rather than my repeat myself again re my absence; should you so wish to understand better;   I have attempted to explain in my reply to AMD.   The rectangular shapes were as a result of my non techno skills in copying and pasting some words written by another.   No, I was not plagiarizing.   Trying to save time and make sure that I transposed  what was said by another correctly.   Hiccup.  The dastardly rectangles glared at me defiantly.   Rather than cancel the whole reply, I decided to ignore them and post my response regardless.   Will they split and multiply, laugh, who knows.   Probably will not be noticed by myself.     I went off on a journey researching the author of Awakenings as I too have seen the film multiple times.   A rare phenomena for me.  As for the feeling of coming from another planet, I am very familiar with that concept.   I actually feel at times that I live on another planet.     I enjoyed where  your thoughts travelled (voyager, thank you AMD).     Butterflies are incredible living creatures with such an intense voyage of metamorphosis in such a tiny window of time.   Then comparing our lifespan time and changes at certain ages was stimulating to read for me.   Self isolation does consume not only so much of a person’s energy but also their days, weeks, months and years.   Sometimes we just have to escape from the outer world as the inhabitants are not playing very nicely at all.   Thought experiments and mind travelling I think of it as.

AMD you have created a beautiful space here for voyagers of the mind to travel and share their experiences within a safe environment.   Quite beautiful.    No judgement just sharing and caring.  Wishing you both peaceful, calming moments during your days.   Hoping that you find time to appreciate the true beauty that this world offers right in front of us.

Ciao

Ems