Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Emotions26]

Hello mmme

Apologies to you also for my late reply.

Head is misbehaving at moment and I am tiring more easily still.

It will pass.

Your words which I have quoted below lingered in my thoughts:

writing can take many forms. Prose, poetry fiction or factual accounts, essays, letters, journaling, scribbles & unedited stream of consciousness, & more...

The latter part; scribbles and then I thought lists. I am a huge list maker. In particular when I am going away. I write lists of lists that I need to prepare. Then actually tick each item when I believe that I am ready.

You then went on to describe tools which was interesting to read.

This part I found that I surprised myself as I asked myself, does she mean me? Well if I was responding to someone else the answer would be of course. Yet why do I need to ask about myself? Classic childhood leftovers.

"You have been a writer for many years.

You could desire & strive to hone your writing, to produce writing which is as clear to expressing what you want to convey to a reader (including yourself) as is possible.

In that, you would be like any artist - always learning, always with a sense that you haven't & never can achieve perfection."

I read in a later reply of yours to amd that you were in a writing group for many years. That is an achievement.  I do hope that you are proud of yourself.

I think that you went into some detail where I became lost as I know nothing about the formal side of writing.

I have been trying to find a local writing group for years to join. I was successful in finding one a while back and still have not yet been able to attend a meeting.

I am now at the stage after reading the monthly meetings thinking that they are way way ahead of me and are established writers. I am so close to pulling out of this month's meeting and giving up.

I was told that I need to take an example of my writing I cannot even remember the amount of words. There is a number which did make me laugh. I do appreciate that in any learning there does have to be some structure.

My writing rambles and I can only write when the words are literally falling out of my mind and I must transcribe them onto something. So I feel that who on earth would be interested; in particular established writers; some I believe have published books from reading the minutes of meetings; want to sit and listen to my dribble.

Perhaps I am meant to write to myself. I talk to myself so why not write to myself.

So much for that.

Bye for now

Em

[Emotions26]

Hello aMD

are you a medical doctor now?

I had forgotten about your spinal and neck injury in a car accident. That would dramatically limit your gardening chores. 
Yes in response to a little at a time. That will make some difference. In particular recognising what is within your physical capability now. Small areas with little strain and easy access can be rewarding. I am not sure whether or not local councils assist with garden maintenance or not. Their website might provide some  information. 
A little work for short periods can help an established garden to be rejuvenated and still bring you much joy. Having particular areas where you like to sit and dream are a gift for the soul. 
My garden being my playground was also alluding to my playing with the plants; replanting cuttings; digging in the mud. Memories of digging in the sand making sandcastles spring to mind. The garden with a huge variety of birds and many colours is far more interesting to watch than television. I can easily lose myself in dreams or talking to my plants and cat.

The vast unknown allows my mind to wander and opens up the vivid imagination. From where can we learn? Only from humans as we know with their current research and instruments which could be so outdated to thos on another star where other beings are exploring. So it continues from varying stars; galaxies to universe; never ending.

 Yes random moments in time as lightening years are occurring; stars colliding; meteorites crashing. What of what we don’t yet know about? What of what is withdrawn from western society ; all society ?

what is happening with our neighbours from where? In this microsecond. Endless possibilities. Fascinating. 
Laughing at the “A person could argue with life; possibly finding the exercise a one-sided conversation. Many run of the mill conversations within this society are one-sided. The art of listening out of interest seems to becoming more of a lost cause.

Thankfully there are a few remaining even amongst the you get generations which is gratifying.

Have you published any of your writing. I am notte asking you to reveal titles or author names by the way. Purely curious.

Pleased to read that the forums have become your oasis in the desert. Spreading your wings will serve you well. You deserve to have new people come into your life. As I said from the very beginning. You do have a gift to share.

Take care and don’t stop dreaming.

Ttfn

Emerald today

[amd1953]

Hello Em,

The Medical Doctor allusion certainly had me scratching my head for a second or two before the penny dropped.   Very good Em.   You receive a million flyby points for that one. 🙂   No, I haven't published anything at all yet.   What I write is not worthy of such lofty ideals.   If I wrote anything at all worth reading, I would probably make it a free distribution.    Perhaps one day before I shuffle of this mortal coil.   I don't have a bucket list but if I did, writing something that might make people sit up and think would be number one.   I am all for getting people to think.   I do it far too much, but it keeps me occupied.   I am the sort of person who always need to keep busy because I tend to fall back into melancholy and that is not a good place to be.   I remember going somewhere with my mother when I was quite young.   I had a long conversation with a man in an office and then he went out and left me to play with some toy soldiers in a wooden fort.   To this day I have no idea what that was all about.   Perhaps my mother suspected that I had a few loose connections in my head.   Nothing happened after that visit, but I know in myself that I was way out of balance even back then.  I have stopped worrying about things like that because it is a complete waste of time and effort.   I would rather just spend my time daydreaming and living on my deserted tropical island.   What a life that would be!   Much better than the one I have now.   But then again, what choice do I have.   I have survived everything thrown at me and here I am chugging along nicely thank you very much.   I could be looking at another twenty years if I am lucky. which would make me ninety.   Of course, if it was any earlier than that then I would just have to accept my fate.   I am not afraid of dying.   I will never make a good writer if I am afraid of dying (Midnight in Paris 2010).   I have been trying very hard to think of a word that suitably encapsulates my life.   I have more or less settled on "misguided".   I have led a very misguided life.   Nobody told me there'd be days like these (John Lennon).   I am convinced that there is no meaning to life at all.   No universal formula for being happy or just getting by.   A pity that.   Flying solo is far more rewarding.   Better to pilot a Cessner than a Jumbo Jet.   Too many lives at stake.

My moods change daily so that I can never rely on myself to be consistent.   I don't think I am meant to understand things any better than I do.   People also pose a problem for me.   Well, some people.   Not all.   Well, here endeth the lesson for today and it isn't even a Sunday.   Shame on me.   I hope you are as well as you can be and can be as well.   

BFN AMD

[Emotions26]

Good evening BFN AMD

Pleased to hear that I had you briefly perplexed with my opening comment.

I wonder how far I can fly with a million fly buy points probably not even over the border.

Your response to publishing ended in yet; followed by not worthy of such lofty ideals.

I must disagree there as some of the books I come across in book shops make me wonder if the author paid to have them published.

It also depends on what is the flavour of the month in non fiction.

It is very popular also to write about your travels whilst you eat local traditional food and guzzle organic locally trampled; aged grapes. The alternatives are have your own television show. Televise your ancestry.

You do realise that as m & m or mm me or kitty stated we are writing on here. This is definitely freely distributed worldwide. Perhaps we could all claim royalties. I note that ebooks have a higher percentage return.

Have to come up with a nom de plume.

I also will follow through with  -   you are already making people sit up and think when they reply to you.

Convinced that there is no meaning to life you say. You could try watching The Meaning of Life in search of an answer.

Speaking of aeroplanes I am not sure if I have already mentioned this but I did actually take over the steering of a two person plane years ago. Flying it on each side; diving then back to level and soaring up. Absolutely thrilling. Flatly refused to do the flying upside down showing off. I would have thrown up then. Who would believe that I am frightened of heights.

Later in life I walked across a swinging rope bridge over a river. Not high up. Just rickety and swinging sideways was enough. Thrilled to bits about that as well. I have actually achieved a few firsts after leaving my first marriage. Nothing like qualifying for the olympics or anything. Freedom is an incredible feeling when released from control.

Yes well my mind is constantly thinking; questioning; delving and much more. So much activity going on in there. I think that is why it takes me so long to do things these days as I become so easily distracted.

I had another frustrating day today following up with emails which I loathe and phone calls. Why do people speak so quickly and not pronounce all of the syllables in their words. Seriously I never know who has left the message because it is rattled off so rapidly. Moan moan groan.

Perhaps I could start a new post called Owed to moan and groan by grumpy.

It has been very windy and quite cold. The wind does make me irritable and if I can't get outside it does affect my moods. Change in environment.

I think that you have achieved more than you realise.

You recognise your gift of writing although do not refer to it in that way.

You have a home that has become your fortress offering you the privacy that you desire.

You have a garden with many places to allow you to sit and soak in the wonder of nature.

You are blessed with avoiding those you do not want to see.

That has taken me years to achieve and I am still in the process of trying to declutter some.

Some well I will probably be decluttered before they are.

That is fine I can fly off to my yet to be selected star and create a new garden.

Imagine the plants.

Well I hope that this is not depressing to read.

Time to prepare for bed and sleep to arrive in it's own time of course.

Now is the time to say goodnight. Goodnight.

Goodnight

Sleep well and feel rested

TFN Em

[amd1953]

Good Afternoon Em,

It sounds as if you are much more adventurous than I could ever hope to be.   More power to you I say.   My pleasures are much more mundane.   I am building a model railway on a table in my lounge.   I'm not really getting anywhere with it though because every few days I tear it all down and start again.   Anyway, I suppose it gives me something to do and it is not hurting anyone else.   Maintaining a low profile comes as second nature to me.   If I was a badger, I could dig a sett underground and then I really would disappear for good.   I'm not sure worms would be an adequate diet though.   That idea really does appeal to me (being a badger, I mean, not eating worms).   I am just so tired of dealing with people face to face because I never know how they are going to take me.   This probably accounts for the way I have taken to writing to you on here and anyone else who feels like joining in.   There is no pressure to keep everyone happy.   I like that.   If I wrote something and then think that it might not be the right thing to say, I can go back and edit it.   It is a perfect medium for me but doesn't involve lots of people in my face.   I try to avoid any situations in which people have the ability to judge me too harshly.   I am a true chicken like that 🙂   There is nothing so sad as watching an old man running for his life.   If you have seen the movie "A Brilliant Mind", John Nash says that he doesn't like people and they don't care for him either.   That isn't a perfect quote either.   People seem to like other people who carry no extraneous baggage.   They seem to be easier to handle and you can make of them what you will.   People will never change, they are too happy in their own skins.   It is up to people like me to keep apologising and making excuses for not fitting into their world where everything is preformed, and people don't have to think properly.   Having a big rubber stamp with Rejected on it is a great time saver.   We make wonderful scapegoats.   Ok well, I'd better stop there before I jump off the nearest armchair.   I hope you take all of this with a big pinch of salt Em.   I'm not really sure what it is all about.   I think I can classify it as a bit of a rant.

May the Mountain Bluebird bring peace and happiness to you each and every day of your life.

Arrivederci,

A Mad Doctor 1953

[Emotions26]

Hello A Mad Doctor 1953    Well that one is an interesting thought and a great conversation opener with the right people. My past achievements were over a couple of decades. They were more huge milestones for myself not in the area of competing by any means. I say that I am not competitive yet I can be with myself.I remember you mentioning some time ago your interest in model railways. I assumed that you meant wood. I have not heard of building them with cardboard before. That must take an enormous amount of patience and definitely agility. If you are pulling it down repeatedly perhaps you are expecting too much from yourself? Why does this come to mind? Well it describes myself. It would be wonderful for you to get further with such an interesting project. That certainly would take skill and dexterity. Mr Badger in wind in the willows. You would probably find many insects along with worms to eat. I somehow cannot imagine you underground though. Rather you than me. I am terrified of deep caves. I hate lifts in stores. How about living in a submarine? You would see some beautiful sea creatures.  Amd; I know how it feels to worry about how other people see us. For myself it comes from my childhood. Judgemental comments and not listening. It is very difficult to work through this when a lifetime pattern develops with people throughout our lives. I have only within the last 12 months or so started to diplomatically respond to comments made about myself. I respond with "why did you ask that or what made you say that?' Stumps them every time.  Mostly comments that people shrug off as harmless or Oh I was only joking. I follow up with oh I am just surprised that you would ask that; still not answering their question. We are far more than just our outer shell.  I still enjoy meeting new people on the rare occasions that I get to these days. I am just far more selective now. I will only spend time with those who are not egotistical and listen to me also. Conversation involves two people talking and listening. Both taking turns. I believe that it is not you who needs to worry about how others are going to perceive you. That is their job. You cannot possibly know what they are thinking either.  I have pulled back from so many people who I literally tolerated and wasted huge amounts of energy listening to or asking about them.They knew nothing about me as they had not bothered to ask. So why was I wasting my time with them?  I also don't care if people think that I am unfriendly. I know that I am not. I will just not let anyone disrespect me anymore. they need to ask  what has changed or if I am alright. Not just think about themselves. It is not easy to do as we have felt that we are not good enough (for what?) for a lifetime because that is how we grew up feeling. Now we get to choose who we want in our lives. I have watched the film "A brilliant mind" several times actually. A sure sign that it touched me. John Nash was quite precise in that comment. I am not a huge film buff. Prefer reading books. If I do watch a film several times it has reached me somehow. Have you ever seen the film "Fried green tomatoes?" Brilliant. Have watched that over and over even though part of the subject matter is difficult. Shine; another harrowing story is another great film. Geoffrey Rush is probably my favourite australian male actor. Now my response to one of your comments might come across as a little stern. It is more my intent to advise and reassure you that

it is most definitely not up to people like yourself or anyone for that matter; to keep apologising and making excuses for not fitting into their world where everything is preformed, and people don't have to think properly. 

Well if I am taking you too literally this time it is because I do not like reading that you think that way about yourself.  I don't like that because I used to be like that.  A big piece of salt you will not find one big enough

A bit of a rant let's change that into one of your interesting; dry; not disrespecting self stories.

A meaningful doctor 1953      A doctor of words and ever so subtle humour   I am looking forward to seeing the Mountain Bluebird visit bringing peace and happiness to each and every day of my life. What a wonderful kind message to leave me.      Now that is from a person who certainly does not need to worry about other's thoughts of judgement.

Arrivederci signore      Especially madder as I love the Mad Hatter   ps  I used to spend so long editing correcting       Now I hope that you overlook my grammatical errors and much more.

[amd1953]

Good morning Em,

Well here is another morning.   At least the sun is trying to break through the cloud cover.   I missed the dawn chorus.    I wonder if the birds sleep soundly.   I don't think that I will ever know.   I think that maybe I think far too much about trivia.   But then who I would be if I denied myself that pleasure?   I have to think therefore I am.   That sounds a little too Cartesian for my liking.   Renes Descartes was a great thinker too.   As were all of the great philosophers who attempted to show humanity, the errors of its ways.   Friedrich Nietzsche is my favourite.   His was a voice crying from the wilderness, but he knew what he was searching for.   He was a true genius but allowed his emotions to interfere with his magnum opus.   He fell in love but was openly rejected and spent the rest of his life alone travelling around Europe in a writing fervour.   Interesting how romantic notions can influence your behaviour to such an extent.    For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? (Matthew 16:26-27).   When the world turns away from you, that is the time to turn inward to nurture the soul.   We are human after all.   

Have you heard of a Portuguese writer named Fernando Pessoa?   He wrote "The Book of Disquiet".   It is available as a free download online as a PDF file.   You may find it interesting.   I am always open to discovering authors who had a passion for expressing their thoughts rather than inventing fiction.   Theirs is a different voice which often leaves them open to ridicule rather than praise.   They tend to find me rather than the other way around.   I have quite a list of writers who wrote but did not receive the notoriety that they might have deserved during their lifetime.   Walter Benjamin and Richard Walser are just two of them that come to mind.   

The clouds seem to be winning the battle with the sun.   It is quite dull and cool now.   I feel the cold due to my blood thinning medication.   They are trying to prevent me from another heart attack.   Only time will tell. 🙂   Well, I think it is time to let my keyboard cool down so I shall say adios and ride off into the distance on my fiery steed.

May all your troubles be miniscule and all your victories, of epic proportions.

AmD 1953

[mmMekitty]

Good morning to you two.

How are you, Amd? Em?

Since I woke early, I did get to hear a few chirpings outside, but in the last hour it's motor mowers & edgers with my breakfast. Not the healthiest of dishes, not one I'd choose.

When I write fiction or fictionalising from my experiences, & certainly in my poetry I am writing my thoughts in to the text. Perhaps it isn't a literal recounting of history & facts - many details like that are either lost or mixed up, especially timeline, dates & peripheral details. I'm convinced most authors either deliberately or subconsciously insert themselves into their work. I think it's unavoidable.

Happy day to you, Amd & Em & everyone reading your engaging text. Royalties, for what I write here? Hmmm, BB's funding is too stretched providing the services it does, without paying us royalties.

I would like to be able to figure out how much my personal info is worth for everyone who expects me to simply give it to them, so they can use it to make & market products to sell to us, for greater & greater profit. Since my info became part of the data used to design, produce & sell this stuff, I want what my info is worth.

What do you reckon?

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[amd1953]

Hello Kitty,

I agree, natural morning sounds are far superior to man-made mechanical noises.   I think the Blackbird is the most engaging morning songster.   It's as though he hasn't got a care in the world and has plenty to sing about.   

Your info would be priceless.   I would demand as much as you can under the circumstances.   I don't mind if people make a profit out of me.   It is less stress to not worry about it.   That's what I reckon anyway.   Just be happy and don't worry. 🙂   Tomorrow will still arrive at the same time whether we are here or not.   I hope all of my friends will be here to see the sun rise.   

Writing is an art.   A form of self expression.   If we don't stamp it with our own identity, what is the good of it?   As with painting, the artist takes reality and makes it better.   Rearranging characters, that might exist, and events, which may have happened, and transforming them into something to remember and perhaps even a lesson to be learned.   They say that the Russian author, Dostoevsky, was one of the best writers in the world.   High praise indeed!   

Regards

AMd 

[amd1953]

Postscript

Well, I have had about four hours sleep so far this morning and that's about as much as I can expect.   There was a little deep sleep too because I had a dream, and this was a strange one alright.   I won't go into detail because it probably wouldn't be that interesting to anyone else.   I woke up because I felt cold and now I'm up for a little while until I feel sleepy once more and then I return to my pile of forked hay.   I made some rock cakes yesterday afternoon but they turned out more like "rock muffins".   Still very tasty though.   My cooking prowess is certainly improving.   I went out into the kitchen just now to make a cup of coffee and I noticed I hadn't put a couple of items that I had washed up last night away in the cupboard.    I thought I had trained myself to clear the deck before I went to bed.   I like to go out there in the mornings and see nothing on the draining board.   How irritating?  Never mind, I can't get everything right all the time.   I'll just have to better next time.   

The human mind is a curious thing, isn't it?   I've just started thinking about a list of people who have given me a hard time in the past.   I must be getting better because in the past I used to get annoyed when I remembered how nasty they were to me.   It's as if they all wanted something to be angry about and they chose me to be hostile to.   You would think that they had been around in the world long enough to rein in their tempers.   

When people discover something about me that they don't like, it's almost as if they have given themselves the right to be rude to me.   I think it's so funny really.   It must be like a game to them.   The only way I can combat these people is to stay well away from them in future.   That way no one gets upset.   I am not looking forward to the thought of going to vote on Saturday.   I get panic attacks now whenever I entertain the notion of leaving the house.   If my postal voting pack arrives on time, I might be able to do it that way.   Life is so full of trials and tribulations, is it not?   Never mind, carry on regardless!   Well, I think that might be enough for now as a postscript anyway.

Until we meet again

Analysing Mighty Data 1953