Newbie...having a tough time

[Mav1]

Hi I am new to the forum so here goes.....I am a 49-year-old father of 4 ...2 adult children and 2 under the age of 15...my story so far .... I was happily married to their mother since 1993 and our life together was normal..until she was diagnosed with Melanoma approx. 6 years ago.....although we tried all treatments it was to no avail and on June 2015 my wife passed away. As you can imagine my concern was my children as we had already been through previous trauma with my oldest girl having a motorbike accident when she was 16 which left her a paraplegic...it was hard on all of us especially her mum. So after her death, I concerned myself with raising our kids the best I could and helping them deal with the loss as well as my wife's family.

I meet someone whom I fell for and recently proposed to her. We have been together for 2.5 years now and I love her and she loves me.

We recently got back from Broome we I had proposed to her and for whatever reason the last 3 days I have been all over the place. I feel flat, lost, last night she stirred and asked me to move over a bit and for whatever reason I got annoyed over it and couldn't get back to sleep...I kept thinking`Why doesn't she want me near her...does she does not want me in the room..does she not love me anymore` then I woke this morning still feeling that way ...then I tried not to bring it up but I couldn't ...we then argued as she couldn`t understand why I felt the way I did, and you know what I don`t either, it just leaves me wondering what is wrong with me, am I insecure? The thought of losing her just scares me so.

I ask myself why am I sabotaging this relationship when it means so much to me.....

[baet123]

Hey Mav1,

Welcome to the forums and it is great to have you here.

My name is Nick and nice to meet you 🙂 You have chosen a great place to come and share your story. Many people have similar experiences to you and there is a lot of love and caring people on these forums.

Firstly, sorry to hear about your wife. My condolences. I cannot begin to imagine what a rough few years you have had and then to have your daughter involved in an accident, I feel for you. You have been through so much and it seems like you have put your kids and your family first and they must be so proud of you! Your are an inspiration mate.

Congratulations on proposing to your partner. Exciting times ahead no doubt!

I think what your going through is normal and although I cannot relate to much of what you have been through. We tend to over think, get anxious and become paranoid about things we really care about or for and this might be what your experiencing. Do you believe that maybe after everything you have been through over the last five or so years that the events could be effecting how you act now and that maybe and rightfully so, you are paranoid and overly afraid of possibly losing someone else close to you? I don't think there is anything wrong with that and it is not a sign of insecurity. Have you thought about contacting a counsellor or health professional to talk about your emotions and things that are of concern to you?

Maybe your actions may be a bit irrational but if I was in your situation and have been through what you have been through I would be acting and thinking the same. Maybe if you feel comfortable enough, you can consider seeing a health professional to talk about your feelings and thoughts so that you can receive some advice or ways to cope with some of your thoughts and feelings.

You seem like an extremely caring and loving father and partner and don't ever change that.

Lovely to meet you and look forward to hear back from you soon.

All the best mate,

Nick.

[Mav1]

Hi Nick thank you for your reply........I am seeing someone next Wednesday so it will be a chance to bear all, so to speak. Thank you for your kind words.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mav1

Welcome to the forum. This is a great place to chat about those things that trouble you. It's surprising how many other people have the same difficulty, or at least something similar. Relationships can be tricky at the best of times and when you have been through the turmoil of the past couple of years I can see why you may be a bit 'touchy' in your new partnership. Congratulations on becoming engaged.

Sometimes when we have been extremely happy over an event such as your proposal being accepted, that you come down to earth with a bump and feel, well, deflated. It's at times like these we see our small irritations blossom into self-doubt and start over thinking our reactions and the motives of other people. Before you know it we become angry and confused. I guess that's the price we pay for being human.

I am so pleased you have an appointment next week. I hope you will have a good talk about what bothers you. It is really amazing how different it all sounds when you talk to someone. Well that has been my experience.

A comment about sabotaging your relationship. I suspect there may be some fear about going into a closer relationship. Not because you doubt your love or hers but because it may all be taken away again. Fortunately (or perhaps unfortunately) we cannot see into the future and there is never a guarantee of happiness but neither is there a guarantee of unhappiness. So if I may suggest, love your new lady as much as you can and keep loving your children. We can face all sorts of events with our families.

Like Nick I look forward to hearing from you again.

Mary

[baet123]

Hi Mav1,

Really good to here. Please let us know how your appointment goes on Wednesday. Fingers crossed! It might be tough at first and it may be hard to express your emotions at some point but I believe you taking that first step can and will benefit you greatly!

All the best and look forward to hearing back from you!

Nick

[Mav1]

Well it's been a few years since my last post and I wish I could say it's all good...but then I would not be writing this if it was...my mental state has been so up and down,highs and lows I am so flat.
I am still with my new partner who has put up with a lot ...she is so caring and understanding , sometimes I feel she is too good for me.
So many things flying around at times ,just confusing.
My fear of losing love again is so strong that it's destroying what I have...the biggest thing is that I have put so much emphasis on sex , as a way of reassuring myself that we are ok,she is still in love with me,and when it doesn't happen I get anxious,angry,worried then we argue and I just don't stop,I accuse her of not loving me,that she is going to leave....then we don't talk and I just don't let it go...

[White_Rose]

Hello Mav1

I am sorry the past few years have not been as good as you would wish. Did you ever get round to some form of counselling? The last thing we knew was that you were seeing a doctor in a few days. Did it go well or do you feel you left with more questions?

My husband and I separated 20 years ago. Yes I know it's not the same but there was a still a loss for both of us. I became hugely depressed after about a year and it felt like the end of the world. Ironically it was my decision to separate. These years have been very difficult. I have been asked if I would find another partner and the gut reaction was no. I think it is still no. I have lots of trust issues as I discovered during my therapy and I'm not certain I could trust a new partner.

You were very happy in your marriage and that may seem the right attitude to move forward in your second marriage. Sadly we are not logical and predictable. You are afraid of losing love again and I realise that. You had such a hard time a few years ago that when you found someone to love again and that someone loves you it must seem that it is too good to be true or to last. I get that.

Have you thought of trying couples counselling? Relationships Australia is a good place to start. You and your wife can talk to each as well as the therapist and help sort out your fears and possibly any your wife may have. At the very least you can explain how you feel in a safe supported environment.

Just google Relationships Australia to find a branch near you.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear Mav1~

I'd like to join Mary in welcoming you back though sad at the circumstances.

As is obvious fate dealt you hard hand, a wife who dies of melanoma and a teen daughter turned into a para due to an unfortunate act. Just helping her would be a a pretty full job, and if like many young ladies she feels her condition renders her impossibly unattractive you have to deal with all that too.

Then you met someone else and again felt that depth of feeling you had before -but now you know it can be such a fragile state.

So what do you do, you try, even without thinking to preserve that feeling , hypersensitive to things that might be precursors of less love, needy though sex as reassurance, accusatory and jealous.

I'm sorry to be blunt, however I'm sure you know these things already. I'm sure you also know the way a loving partner behaves, and it is none of those hings, it is you giving, reassuring, you understanding other's needs ... I'm sure you can think of many more.

Again to be blunt you have the release the bonds of need, allow the person to remain becuse they want, need, can rely upon and enjoy it themselves with you.

Frankly I would think you lucky your partner has remained and tried for you - you have found a person worth making sacrifices for.

Most parents go though this, kids have permission and sometimes help, to leave home, hopefully if it has been a loving relationship they will be there for you -even at a distance -all their lives.

So how do you change? 2 years of your own efforts have not worked, so I would suggest you seek professional medical help to teach you to reduce your anxieties.

Could you see your GP in a long consultation, explain you original grief and anxieties anxieties seem to have combined and ask for help before you alienate the one you love? It may be your current actions are not just based on the loses you describe, but other factors too -so the help has to be skilled.

Please come back and say what you think?

Croix

[Mav1]

Its been over a year since my last post and I have been seeing a therapist since the last post. The reason for my post today is I need to talk about my mental state. My problem is I just don't handle rejection, that is what I call it but in reality, it's a thought created in my mind which then I believe to be true, in fact, it never is.

For example, a night ago I went to bed with my beautiful partner and proceeded to become intimate with her. Although I believed I was loving and caring she didn't feel that I was and she experienced bad memories, which I am responsible for, which meant she was less responsive to my advancements. When this happened my thought was she was not interested in me, that she didn't love me, that I was not attractive to her.

All those thoughts filled my mind and instead of acknowledging them and letting them go by, without reacting to them I reacted, my heart rate increased, I got angry, frustrated. I know that I let myself down and again damaged our relationship. Now I am feeling down, depressed about what I have done, not sure what to do next. She wants me to go off for a couple of days, to be by myself to clear my mixed up head.....any ideas were to go?

wh

[quirkywords]

Mav1

thamks for returning to the thread with Zn update. I am sorry you are having problem.

Croix in the last post before yours mention you maybe seeking professional help to hth managing your thoughts.

Have you managed too see a doctor. .

Thoughts can be very powerful and we end up saying And doing things we don’t really want to.

How do you see yourself getting better and changing your thoughts pattern.