I have trouble liking myself

[Dosu01]

Hi, this is a really depressing way to introduce myself but things have been building up more lately since I graduated from year 12.

I am at uni but I am not very smart. I got in with an atar of 68 and my course I am doing (Bachelor of Arts) only required 65 because I have such low expectations for myself and I did a limit of four level 3 courses because I felt like I wasn't capable enough.

My Dad jokes to me that his life would have been better without my sister and I but I sometimes feel like he means it because he is always angry after he comes home from work and never wants to talk to us. My Mum has figured out that I don't enjoy being at home and she is trying her hardest to make me not want to move out, there's a part of her that believes that I am not capable to do things by myself and from other experiences in my life I feel like that might be true. I haven't gotten my drivers license yet, I am still on my L1s but I am trying my hardest to work my hours up but my Mum works full time in the art department at a private school and my Dad doesn't have his license and I don't want to pressure my Mum because she has a lot going on. I don't have a job, even though I have tried to apply for many, I have only had one interview in the 2 years I had been applying. I almost feel like I haven't grown up and I am still a kid, It's only just occurred to me now how bad it is that I don't have these things when I am 18. I'm trying to get my life back together and doing subjects like intro to Psychology and intro to Law but it's only in a Bachelor of Arts and I don't think I can get far because it's not the full degree. I'm even at a worse point because I never did them at college, I feel like I didn't even know what I wanted to do while I was there and I don't have a job now so it will be harder for me to find one after my degree.

I also eat really poorly and have a fear of gaining weight or becoming overweight or obese, I feel guilty when I eat heaps of food. I even have fears of someone walking in the same direction as me because I'm worried what they might do to me after I had experienced events when I was a kid. I have noticed I have been like this since I was 6 and I haven't gotten any better and I really need to grow up.

I think I have made things harder for myself and I don't know how to make things better, if anyone can suggest anything that would be really helpful

[Aaronsis]

Hi Dosu01

Welcome to Beyond Blue and to the forum, I am so very proud of you for reaching out here, for seeking some support and some comfort and sharing your story and how you are feeling.

I can really hear how much you have on your plate and I am so sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed with Uni and with family life and then with your eating on top of all of that, it is alot to manage and think about.

Firstly with Uni, I think that you are doing so much better than you give yourself credit for, getting into a University degree is not easy and you have done that so congratulations. Also, I don't think you have to put so much pressure on yourself to "have everything figured out"...I am 45 and I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up! There is so much pressure on young people today, to know what they want in life, to know who they are...so very much pressure. YOu are 18 years young and you have the rest of you life to sort out what you want to do, it may change 100 times, and that is totally fine too.

As far as your learners go, is there someone else in your family or even a family friend that could help you out with some driving time? Also, there is no pressure here either, just because you are 18 does not mean you "should" have your licence...take some pressure off and see if you can arrange someone other than your mum, who sounds very busy too, and it will happen when it happens.

I am a little concerned about what you have said with regards to your eating. I am not going to lecture you Dosu01 as you are an intelligent person and you know the importance of good nutrition, not only for your body but for your mental health too. You can have a wonderful selection of good and healthy foods that will not inhibit your weight, also you have not to feel guilt about eating and I know this is easier said than done but you are a wonderful person who deserves to have a functioning mind and body, not to punish or feel guilt about making you the best version of you. Small healthy snacks during the day might work better for you if you feel that eating three large meals is somewhat overwhelming.

Hope to chat some more to you Dosu01 and as I am running out of characters here I will save the conversation about your fear of people walking in the same direction for the next chat.

Huge hugs to you and I hope you feel some support here among this community.

Hugs

Sarah

[Dosu01]

Hi Sarah,

Thank you for this post! I am trying to use this account for recovery and this post made me feel much better when I was feeling sad and angry about today 🙂

As for driving, my mum is helping with booking driving lessons now so hopefully I can get the experience that way and she’s been very helpful with that. It might take a long time and that’s mainly the part I was most stressed about

I’m also going to try and get the hang of eating better and eating much healthier because I tend to eat really unhealthy foods throughout everyday and I think it’s why I constantly worry about my weight. I’m thinking about maybe going vegetarian because I tend to feel sick after eating meat after dinner (not sure why but it’s happened for a few months now) and try to eat better stuff to help my vitamin D levels

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Dosu01

I am so happy to hear that you feel some support and some comfort here, I also use this as my place for my recovery and to take care of my mental health, as well as sharing, learning and supporting others, that is what really makes a difference to my day.

That is really great news to hear that you are getting some driving lessons, it will take the pressure of your mum and give you the time that you need on the road to get your hours up and move closer to getting your licence which is wonderful. There really is not time frame around this but I am glad that you feel that it has taken some of the stress away and the anxiety in that you are doing something to make a difference to this situations.

I am so happy to hear that you are going to think about ways to make your eating work for you, that is great to hear and I think you will really notice a difference in how you are feeling both in your body and mentally with some great food choices. If meat upsets you then sure, stay away but make sure you do get lots of other sources of iron and vitamins, mushrooms are great! I am 11 weeks in to eating plant based and I have never felt better, it is really amazing...happy to share more about that if you would like.

Huge hugs to you Dosu01 and hope to chat some more to you

Sarah xx

[Terranova]

Ok so im new to this and i can relate to most of what you said except being in uni cause im a drop out and should be in year 12 right now so hey your doing better than me like a whole lot better um im not all that good at comforting people but im a good listener if you ever need someone to talk to its always good to talk to someone

[Aaronsis]

Hey Terranova

Welcome to the forum and thank you for not only giving Dosu01 some support but for reaching out and sharing some of your story too.

If you would like to start your own thread and to share something about you and how you are feeling this wonderful community is here to support you too.

Welcome Terranova.

Huge Hugs

Sarah

[hob2]

" I have noticed I have been like this since I was 6 and I haven't gotten any better and I really need to grow up. ."

U sounds like your actually grown a lot. U not being abit hard on yourself ?

Hope this helps,