Feeling undesirable and lonely

[Unwanted]

Hey and I apologise if I am posting in the wrong place but am new

I honestly don’t know what to do I have my own apartment, my own business and a stable life but no matter what I do I can’t get dates or even friendship. I have tried singles events, so many online sites and it always ends the same one date then a message saying they just want to be friends…I remember when personalities and a stable financial life was important now it’s just looks and money guess I don’t have enough money or good looks so am at my wits end I am hoping everyday I find someone but not sure how much longer I can keep fooling myself any advice is appreciated thanks for reading hope your all doing better then me 😞

[ABC01]

Dear Unwanted,

I can understand and empathise on not being able to make friends or find a partner. It does feel like today's society have priorities different and reflective of social media.

People always tell me I am kind. But kindness doesn't get you alot, really. It is nice to know that is how people see me, however that isn't always an attractive trait to people. Meaning, they aren't drawn to it first.

Attraction is important in a relationship, no doubt. But lust fizzles out. 

Friendships should be based on personalities and interests.

I am sorry you are experiencing this in your life.

My psychologist said something to me today. They said I may have not found the right treatment that works for me yet. Perhaps you may have not found the right avenue that works for you yet. Not that helpful, right? But at least a glimmer of hope is there.

I commend you for trying events and sites. Have you considered going to groups for friendship or social events, just for friendship and see if any of the people there may have the potential to bloom into a relationship? It may take going to the event/group multiple times to get to know everyone. And have people know you.

Social Anxiety is very real and it may take a few times for people to really open up and be themselves. And if people have a perceived perception of you at the first meeting, time can show them you are not what they think.

I don't know if this has been helpful or not.

But you are among good company here.

ABC01

[randomxx]

Are you male or female or what op ? , different things for either.

At any rate , l can say one common thing for either though, those things do still matter , the person is everything but unfortunately not to everyone . When you meet that special person though, they'll love you the most for what really matters and who you are and for who you both are as a couple.

rx

[Unwanted]

I am a 35 year old male if that makes a difference 

[randomxx]

Makes a lot of difference if people want to offer any help bc ok things have changed a lot but as a guy your basically still the hunter. lt's actually l think a bit harder for the girls in that way imo bc if no men are hunting, showing any interest, or the right guy isn't , then things become much more limited.

Yeah they might still get likes on a date site but most of the girls struggle just as much in that way end of day bc apparently v few guys want more than just a bit of fun, heard and read 100s women complain about that, even after yrs and yrs on sites. But then even if one is about more, he has still gotta be that right guy, just like she'd have to be the right girl for you too. So even the date site stuff is more an allusion than reality.

Mind you not to say all people, many do meet and marry too from date sites but just saying.

As a guy though you can get out in life do the things you like doing and when you see that one you do like well, don't need to say more there.

But women are also more limited in that way to bc of safety and things, so yaknow, it's not all bad ea has it's pros and cons right.

[Unwanted]

I understand and appreciate all you guys and your advice is helping but I also have to add recently I do and have been out there doing my interests and hobbies but I also work six days a week on top of that when I do get dates I show interest, I pay for the coffee or dinner I see the girls laughing or smiling but in the end nothing just a friend zone cause I wasn’t the right one just used for free shit over and over for years it just gets difficult to keep positive and not do something stupid if you know what I mean

[ABC01]

Dear Unwanted,

I am unsure what you mean by something stupid?

The fact that you are a gentleman and get rejected, really sucks. However a different point of view could be that it is better to know at that time,then be used any further by these people.

I understand the difficulty to stay positive after rejection. But you haven’t given up entirely. So you still have hope. None of these people have been the right one for you. The fact that you work six days a week and are focused on this dilemma must be overwhelming for you.

If you are able to, can you applaud yourself for the things that you are doing and have achieved? All of them are factors in your life and things to be proud of. Perhaps it isn’t you. Perhaps it is actually them. You aren’t lacking. 

There is also that old saying. That you find something when you aren’t looking for it. Perhaps a break from actively pursuing this desire,may find yourself in a different place/headspace. Enjoying the hobbies and activities you do participate in. Being in the moment in them. Enjoying them. It doesn’t solve your problems. But it does boost your confidence, mood and self-esteem.

You deserve happiness.

ABC01

[Unwanted]

Thanks ABC01

i run my own business and I do have times where I get overwhelmed and unsure of myself cause after being cheated on and left cause according to my exes I was quote “not exciting or attractive anymore” even though I would pay for everything, drive everywhere, cook and clean but apparently in 2024 it’s not enough to own your own business, your own apartment or anything of note…unless your tall, handsome and rich women don’t look at me so honestly I have actually started to just do my own hobbies as I feel after this week that there isn’t a woman out there

hope everyone is staying safe

[LuckyPhil]

Could always be worse. I feel soooooo sorry for the person who can genuinely claim the title that it couldn't be worse. Seriously though, I don’t mean to sound like I am belittling your circumstance/issue. I read it and much of it is common to my own. I was cheated on, divorced. I have my own place, impressive career. I have 20years on you though.

Unlike you (well at least so far as I know) I also lost an expensive custody battle, in part because of the lies that so fluently spilled from her lips. In part because of the system. Although I was the primary care giver, I didn’t do the breast feeding. There are way more horrible details I’ll spare you from. In part it was also because of my degenerative illness that started at around this same time. 10 years on and not a nibble. I’ve given up now. It was hard before but now my medical condition has degenerated into physical disability and noticeable disfigurement. It is certainly true that being respectfully established, intelligent, funny, a genuinely nice guy, but NOT looking like George Clooney might seem like a setback, but when strangers stare at you all day you scare little kids ….. damnit man, thats another league. 

Yeah it sucks, but be grateful for what you do have. Can’t say that I always manage to. Periodically I get depressed about it. Then all of the other s*** seems 100 times more devastating than what it might otherwise be. At some point in this cycle if that is the one thing in my life that is missing. If I did secure a partner would everything be so wonderful.

Having said all that, my mum was single and looking for 20 years before she met her now 20 year partner. My Grandmother remarried at 76. 35 is young my friend.

[therising]

Hi Unwanted

I feel deeply for you as you grow disheartened. Matters of the heart and mind can be so challenging in so many different ways. The challenges can become deeply impacting.

Demographics can definitely play a big part when it comes to looking for new friendships, partnerships and so on. So, sometimes the question can become 'Am I looking at the wrong demographic? What type of people or groups should I actually be looking into?'. For yourself, could you find what you're looking for in a slightly older group of women who perhaps have a more mature outlook and perhaps have a tendency to look beyond what is considered shallow in the dating world? Could slightly 'woo woo' (aka 'deeply soulful') gals be more the go perhaps, women who are looking to make a much deeper connection? Btw, I'm a bit of a woo woo gal myself😁. Of course, you don't have to believe in a lot of the same stuff, it's just about finding someone who knows how to make a deeper connection, beyond money, perfect looks and a free ride. A thoughtful person isn't going to push their beliefs on you, instead they can respect your differences. Could it involve looking for women who've divorced narcissists, so they're looking for a guy who's respectful, considerate, less self serving and someone who's only going to bring out the best in them (not depress them)? So, a variety of different types of people there.

With human nature being the way it is, I suppose another factor to consider is 'What leads a person to be attractive?'. While appearance can involve the most basic form of attraction, there can be so many other things to consider. Starting with the appearance side of things and how we present our self to be attractive, some people will be attracted to certain colours. The colours or clothes we wear in first meeting can be attractive or not (bit of a peacock display factor). Some females are attracted to guys who shave their heads, whereas others like long hair on guys. There's a whole industry dedicated to attraction through a sense of smell (the aftershave/perfume industry). Sometimes a beautiful smile can go a long way or a person's eyes can be one of the most attractive things about them. Going deeper, the way a person brings someone to life or brings out the best in them can be incredibly attractive. The ability to lead us to laughter can be another thing. Intelligent or philosophical conversationalists can also create a sense of attraction for some people, while others prefer simple conversation. A visionary can be a very attractive person, someone who can lead others to see into their imagination. What can be attractive involves an incredibly extensive list, so I won't go on.

Another thing to consider is the type of relationship that begins as a friendship before developing into something more. While I've been married to the same guy for 22 years, it was only a year ago or so when we agreed we never really started our relationship as friends. It more so started as drinking buddies who were attracted to each other. While I stopped drinking once we had kids and life changed in a number of ways, the relationship began to disintegrate in a lot of deeply challenging and somewhat depressing ways. So, now we're trying to develop a friendship in an effort to take our marriage to a new level, a far more conscious one. It's amazing how attractive a whole new level of consciousness can be.