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Desperately seeking Susan
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Where do I start? …. I go back to work tomorrow and I’m dreading it. Every time over the last week that I go to get myself organised … I’m a teacher… it’s like I hit a brick wall I become so overwhelmed, my chest tightens, body turns to jelly and my head becomes mush and I can’t do anything. Just sitting here writing about it brings it all flooding back.
Some context: I have been away for 12 months (psychological injury) due to a toxic school environment. That person has now left and I have been easing my way back into school. No class of my own- walk in walkout of other classes.
This will be my third term. This term I have a class for one day a week ( behaviour issues) the rest is whatever. I do all the self talk: “it’s only for three days a week, the problem class is only one day a week, it’s an 11 week term then it’s Xmas break, you have sick days up your sleeve take them if you need to” etc. I play guided meditation/relaxation music at night to help me sleep, I stick to my usual routine for meals/ sleep. I go outside into the garden, the cactus house, check the wicker/ hydro beds, mow. When I can settle enough I crochet and folk art paint but I have not painted in awhile. So I feel I’m doing all the Desperately seeking Susan stuff but I still can’t get through, over or under that brick wall for Friday class. Then an email comes through to say that the teachers can decide if they want me to teach a unit of work ( technology- a 58 yr old teaching kids about tech 😱) in there NCT or our behaviour focus for the week - more pressure, it pushes me down. Hell I can’t get my head around the Friday class without having to go into every class and teach their individual units of tech. The head thinks “don’t be a sook Susan, it’s only 11 weeks then next year you will have your own class” . Easily thought and said but the brain power /confidence/ juggling ability is just not there anymore. Hence all I can do is go to work tomorrow unprepared. Normally that would really freak me out but today it gives me a sense of calm.
Yes people say teachers have it easy, good pay, all those holidays- unless you have experienced it you have no idea.
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Hi, welcome
My daughter is a qualified secondary school teacher, she's 35yo. At 26yo she ended up in hospital for a few weeks due to what you are describing. Some of the experienced teachers put their work onto her etc. Our family also has mental health history. So, at the end of the day, she never worked again and after several years she is now relatively stable and made it through. Like me she had a suicide attempt.
I think there is two options here and neither are a walk in the park.
1/ If you have sick days remaining use them to enable you to last the year out, to hopefully return in 2025 refreshed.
2/ Change of occupation. Sounds drastic- it is, but your mental health is not something to dismiss. I went through that in 1987 where I fought mini corruption publicly and took 10 months off with therapy at the end I had to reinvent myself and seek a different profession. It was, for me, the best solution.
Choosing option 1 might entail that you seek 10 free visits to a mental health professional from your GP, if you choose to go through the Workcover system this could intensify your issues. The Workcover system is heavily flawed to work against the worker IMO have been a former investigator in that system.
My insight tells me from your post that you worry a lot although you are using distraction a lot which is highly recommended. I have a couple of threads below that you could read the first post of, that I'm sure you will benefit from.
https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808
https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/td-p/183873
https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival/td-p/216226
https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3aFh7OJMNA
The last one is from Prem Rawat Maharaji a man I've followed for several decades. He has many other videos that I use during my relaxation periods. You might like to listen to them.
I hope that helps, reply anytime
TonyWK
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You have my absolute deepest respect when it comes to 1)working as a teacher and 2)working so hard on managing your mental health. Plenty of folk out there who love to say 'Teachers have got it easy' and 'There's no such thing as anxiety or depression, it's all a load of ****'. Plenty of ignorant people out there who like to ignore a lot of the facts.
Given my own experience with depression and anxiety, I've found that I may think I know what a certain depressing or anxiety inducing challenge is about but much of the time I'm not completely on the mark. I could identify some elements of the challenge but not the key element or elements that are going to unlock something. When I wake up to what the real or overall challenge is about something 'clicks' with the revelation. It's taken me decades to catch on to this actually being a reoccurring theme. Mental health challenges can definitely involve some detective work and a search for mind altering or mind opening unlockings. So, it's the search for clues and clicks.
If there's a stresser in us, an inner critic, maybe a not terribly well exercised risk taker but one nonetheless, an adventurer, an analyst and a financial manager that helps us manage to pay the bills ('You can't afford that, wait 'til after you've paid the gas bill') what other facets in us exist that we haven't yet fully tapped into? 'What or who in me do I need to find/exercise/learn to channel or tap into?'. I'm a gal who's been known to question on occasion 'Where in hell has the sage in me disappeared to, in this depressing challenge that feels like a kind of hell on earth?'🤔. I think it was the sage in me who finally got through to me in saying 'You can't cope with this much stress in your life, you need to take at least a year off work to fully focus on the challenges outside of your job'. I'm back in that job now. If you were to tap into the sage in you, what do you think it would say? Perhaps something along the lines of 'Your nervous system is telling you, no, screaming at you 'I DO NOT WANT TO TEACH TECH, I CAN'T COPE WITH THAT AT THE MOMENT!' Listen to your nervous system and tell the school you're not capable of that right now. If they're not happy with this, let them be unhappy. Meanwhile, you be happy with the decision. This is about you and your ability to cope or manage'. On the other hand, perhaps the sage or some other facet of you might advise 'Go in, wing it and just see what happens, even if it's out of sheer curiosity and nothing else. Call on a variety of students to guide the class by asking them what they think the answers are and how they managed to reach certain conclusions. Choose the kids who appear to know all the answers'.
I've found that often the challenges I'm facing can actually point to what facet or facets of me need the most development. Getting the people pleaser in us to take a back seat, isn't always easy. There's occasionally going to be that part of us that insists 'You can't do/say that, you'll upset people'. The facet of us that we're tapped into, at any given time, determines the drive and direction we take.
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Thank you for the links I will certainly explore them
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Thank you so much. I went to work today …. I really had to push myself…and I didn’t even get out of the staff car park without bursting into tears 😭. I couldn’t stay I had to come home. My days timetable was pretty good too. The sage in me is saying ‘you’re bursting into tears on a reasonably good day it’s time to get out and stay out’
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While I wish today hadn't been so upsetting for you, I'm glad it led you to hear the part of you that knows best. If the job we're in is leading us to tears, it's definitely not the right job for us.
Perhaps a bit of a strange way of looking at it, but I like to look at life as being a bit The Lord of the Rings-ish. More so the landscape than anything else. It's like being born into a land where there are challenging mountains to climb, beautiful places to see, fascinating characters to meet (including some villains), valleys to navigate through, forests (including dark parts in there) and so on. So many unexplored paths to take. From a birds eye view, it appears as a map. While it can be easy at times to become incredibly lost, guides become an absolute must. If we're here for an average of 90 years in this land, pays to have good guides for part of that time, as there's a lot to navigate through.
I suppose you could say 'Well that part of my path got pretty damn dark'. Now that you've come out of it, the challenge becomes about which way to go. You've decided you don't want to go back in. So, just take a breath and say 'I'm not going back, I'm actually not going back'. It's okay, you don't have to take a step forward toward anything in particular right this second, just focus on the fact you're no longer in the dark. Breathe, as you feel the relief. If you can think of anyone in your life who's a brilliant visionary, perhaps they're your guide for your new part of this journey.❤️
