Afraid for my wife

[Tony 24]

First timer, Hi Everyone, I'm 84 and my wife had her left lung removed last year, she is struggling and I help her 24/7 but I am getting panic attacks and anxiety attacks, Just seeing her suffering before my eyes, this is my trigger, I cannot get away from it. I am seeing a professional next week and have started to take Natures own Calming tablets, I dont want to see my GP and go on anti depression medication, too many side effects. I have this overwhelming fear for her and me being left alone, I have read all I can and go to darts and meet friends, and go for walks. but what happens in the future when you go home to an empty house, how will I survive mentally, I feel I am going mad, have great trouble sleeping , its always on my mind, I try to live in the moment, At my worst I question my worth.

[Croix]

Dear Tony 24~

Welcome here to the Forum, a good move on your part as you may meet others who have been in similar circumstances, I am one.

My wife died after a protracted illness and I too felt much as you may do, having empathy for her suffering, feeling no matter what I did it was not gong to change the outcome, worrying and fearful of what would happen after she passed away -how would I cope in that empty house and empty life?

Plus I felt selfish that it seemed I was worrying about me, when in fact I thought I should just be worrying about her.

OK, the first thing to say is I learned that anticipating the death of a loved one is entirely natural, and worrying about what will happen when alone is part of it. It is not a reflection on you, it is just the way things are.

For anyone who supports and looks after their wife 24/7 there is no question they are a worthy person and your wife is lucky to have such a partner as you.

OK, so you have panic and anxiety attacks, that is not in the least surprising, and one does not always go down the path of medication to come to terms with them, no matter how unpleasant or frightening they may be in their own right.

By all means see a professional, however you are in charge, and if you do not want meds that's the end of the matter, and other therapies should be explored. How to deal with the attack when it occurs, how to change what you do to lessen the chance of them happening, steps to take to assist sleep (none are perfect but definitely something worth doing)

Talking to others can make a huge difference. Do you think it is something you can discuss frankly with your wife and give her the satisfaction of supporting you? It is after all a journey you are taking in each other's company.

You may find a family member or friend who you can talk frankly with (I was like a broken record repeating the same things over and over), but a couple of friends were able just to listen with patience, which showed they realy did care and left me feeling less alone.

One organisation that may be of some help is Griefline ( 1300 845 745)

https://griefline.org.au

I also would suggest that caring 24/7 is a harmful thing for you to do. Constant unrelenting pressure and stress needs to be watered down. Is there any chance of having a little relief, either by another taking over your duties for a few days, or formal respite care? You very much need a breather - just as I did.

I'd like it if we could talk some more

Croix

[Tony 24]

Thank you so much, your very helpful advice is so welcome.

[Tony 24]

I would really be so pleased if we could keep talking. thank you.

[Croix]

Dear Tony 24~

Of course we can keep talking, we have had a fair number of things in common after all. The only thing I really got out of it early on was that I was stronger than I thought (it is very hard to see oneself as one realy is). Things like being alone really filled me with dread, however I got though.

Do you have any kids?

'night

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Tony, and sorry to interrupt your discussion with Tony.

You can contact Carer Gateway who provide carer specific in-person, phone, and online services and support nationally to help you in your caring role on 1800 422 737.

They will talk with you to understand your needs and provide the support and services to assist you in your caring role, including access to emergency respite (available access 24/7).

Online support and phone counselling is available for you.

Can I ask if you are receiving a carer's allowance, plus you can also contact the National Disability Insurance Scheme and palliative care.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Tony 24]

Hi Croix I have a stepdaughter who is close to her mother but not me, If I say anything to my wife she gets upset that she is making me upset so that just makes things worse. Last night I went out for a couple of hours to see some friends at the darts, Pat cried when I was leaving her but said you go you need it, It was ok but I was stressed all the time, she was ok when I returned, I then despite taking a tablet to have my worst night ever, just restless, I tried deep breathing, read, , in the end I got up at 3am and turned on the tv, I had about a couple of 30 min. naps, I am about to got up the shopping centre for a walk before Pat wakes, I am trying to do the right things but things seem to get worse thank you. Tony

[Tony 24]

Hi Geoff Thank you for your advice, and yes I am on carers allowance, I feel very fragile and confused at the moment, thank you Tony

[Croix]

Dear Tony~

I'd like to think about a couple of things you said, the first being you have a stepdaughter who is close ot her mum. Now the fact she is not close ot you may be an unhappy fact, but in blended families it does happen. Despite that do you think it might be possible to some sort of arrangement where she looks after her mum on occasions?

It may not be something you can propose, given the distance between you, but perhaps her mum could? What do you think?

As you can see I'm looking at my experience and know 24/7 was too much for me long term, so I'd assume the same for you. Care, activities to support and good intentions do not equal sleep and rest.

The other thing is that yes of course the gut reaction of a person if they are causing another distress is to feel guilty and unhappy. So yes, you wife will feel that way, and I guess that gives you two choices, the same as I had.

The first is ot back off, put on a strong face and pretend I was doing OK, managing well -no hassles. For a short while it sort of worked, but my wife knew me well, and the more unhappy I was inside, the less I could cope, the less I ate and the tireder I became it was pretty obvious this approach was not good and fooled neither of us.

.So I tried, with a fair degree of success to roll back time to when my wife was an equal partner, we made decisions together and relied on each other. Somehow that had got lost in the shuffle as she became ill and I sort of assumed more of her role as well as my own in the partnership

I hope that makes some sort of sense.

So it came down ot my wife doing things ot support me -as well as me support her. A chat before bedtime on this and that, practical things like 'you need to by more sox' and in your case a stabilizing influence when you are having a panic attack.Umpteen day to day things, even reminding me when family members had their birthdays, something I always forgot.

I'm sure there are lots of things, the trick being to see your partner as the same person, even if she gets tired quicker, is in pain, has limited movement and all the rest of the unpleasant effects of illness.

I found placing all this on my wife was not a burden to her -in fact she told me it made a real difference. Rather than being a 'patient' she was herself.

I fully realize I'm making lot of assumptions about your wife, however it may start you thinking along different lines instead of 'just being' a carer. I hope it is possible

Croix

[Tony 24]

Thank You Croix , I have on your advice had a chat with my wife, and to my surprise she agreed that I always took the load but she said you are 84 now and the things I said like am I going to die put pressure on you, . My daughter takes my wife out once a week but that has stopped recently either as my wife is too weak or that her daughter our granddaughter is getting married on this coming Sunday, we will not attend my wife and daughter made that agreement and my wife is content with the decision, My wife does not want anyone here if I go for respite, plus I don't think I could be restful away from her, I did until the rains came play golf twice a week, I think this was a perfect storm created by well I think I stared it, you see I was an Project Engineer and part of my job was to plan a long way ahead, so one day I thought plan ahead for when you are single, retirement homes ect. then I started reading how people who had lost their wives had coped and there were so very sad stories and that upset me, Pat was having a bad timbals I could not play golf and then had the Flu so could not go outside at all. I felt like running away. I found a local grief counsellor and Pat saw her and it helped her, sorry its a bit out of sequence I then tried to make an appointment but it was for 3 weeks ahead as she was going away, its on the 9th just a week away, any way on a more positive note and as I told you a started taking some natural calming tablets, ( I know that only anti depressing tablet effect the brain ) maybe its a placebo effect or they are working, the night before was the worst I has experienced but yesterday I took 3 through the day and had a good night even though I was up at 4:30. My biggest help is talking to you, I cannot thank you enough, each day is a battle, talk soon Tony