Afraid for my wife

[Tony 24]

First timer, Hi Everyone, I'm 84 and my wife had her left lung removed last year, she is struggling and I help her 24/7 but I am getting panic attacks and anxiety attacks, Just seeing her suffering before my eyes, this is my trigger, I cannot get away from it. I am seeing a professional next week and have started to take Natures own Calming tablets, I dont want to see my GP and go on anti depression medication, too many side effects. I have this overwhelming fear for her and me being left alone, I have read all I can and go to darts and meet friends, and go for walks. but what happens in the future when you go home to an empty house, how will I survive mentally, I feel I am going mad, have great trouble sleeping , its always on my mind, I try to live in the moment, At my worst I question my worth.

[Tony 24]

I thought I was doing ok also but I was woken at 3am with a terrible PA I got up had a drink watched calming videos but it took until now 7am to feel a little better, I did some exercises, read a book, meditated, breathing exercises its hard, I guess Im going to put up with this for a long time, hopefully counselling on Thursday will help. During daytime they try to come around 4pm but I keep them off, but its a different matter when you are sleeping, I try to sleep through them, and sometimes I can, but this one was like a bombshell, thanks for your help. Tony

[Croix]

Dear Tony~

I'd think you are doing OK, it's just you had hoped that thing would get better quicker. From my own experience I know that things go up and down but as things get better that slows down, I would still have sleepless nights, but less often.

It is easy to discouraged, I found I was too close to judge as the changes were gradual. I'd imagine your daily diary might help there, as you count up the good days and bad days.

Another thing to bear in mind is you have only just started on a course of medication. I've taken a fair number over the years and often found that at first their effect was spotty, or not what one expected. They can take time to be constantly effective.

Have you started on your picture painting kit yet? Maybe it might relax you in the middle of the night.

Croix

[Tony 24]

Yes Croix you are right again, Its my nature ,see something wrong, I want to fix it right away, project completed, Last night was better I think maybe because I was so tired from the night before, I played golf got a bit cold and was very tense, after a shower and a bit of muscle relaxation I felt well enough to eat my evening meal, so much so I thought will try and sleep without any medication, after 40 mins. I had to get up and take an anti. I then slept pretty well unit 7am. My wife after your suggested talk is more aware of my moods and if a funny way that helps. Today she has to go for her three monthly chest scan, we see the specialist on the 14th, so pressure is building again, No not started the painting kit yet but I have started on the house painting, I just do an hour now and again. Thank you Croix

[Croix]

Dear Tony~

That very human urge to 'fix' things is both a blessing and a curse. Of course it depends on circumstances. If you have dripping tap then putting on a new washer pronto is good. On the other hand if a quick fix is not possible - your meds may be an example where you simply have to wait -then that urge to fix things by taking the meds can lead one to despondency when it does not happen straight away.

Some things take time, like the temptation to put one's finger on a painted wall to see if the paint is dry:) I've been guilty of that and had to do a bit of touching up!

Talking of meds it took me a long time, but eventually I became reconciled to taking them as a regular preventative, rather than just on an as-needs basis. Like you I did not want to take them if I could get away without. Actually taking them regularly really helped as most of the meds I've taken have a lead-in time, and are not designed to just be used one now and again, but as a constant.

I'm please you and your wife are closer when it comes to being aware of how you feel. There is nothing worse than feeling isolated. Do you find it works in reverse and you can tell your wife's ups and downs? To start with I did not realy but we sort of mutually became aware of each other's state as it were.

Hope the painting goes well

Croix

[Tony 24]

Hi Croix re talking to my wife, sometimes after being in my own world of distress a few words with her lifts me, talking with other help, I know its well known but when you actually do its uplifting, I went to the Dart night last night I did not play but moved around talking to different players came home to half a tablet and slept from 11 until 4 without an attack, I was wide awake at 4 and got up then and dozed in the chair, I know now not to get ahead of myself but it was a nice break, All yesterday I was doing breathing and relaxation exercises, which I will make part of my daily routine. Im sorry its all about me I hope you are doing ok, Tony

[Tony 24]

Hi Karen My doctor gave me some medication and after three days I do feel a little better, I have had no side effects, so thank you for your encouragement, I was as you know reluctant, I have also taken to relaxation and breathing exercises, thank you again Tony.

[Croix]

Dear Tony~

When you are going though hard times of course it is about you, actuality I remember having very little room left in my mind to cope or be with others, it was all too much.

So by all means talk about what is important and affecting your life right now. As this place is where many help others perhaps in time all the unpleasant and horrible experience can be put to good use and assist another, which is something I'm doing now.

Yes, I'm doing OK thanks and I'm glad you are finding talking to you wife and mates does help.

I hope tonight you get even more undisturbed sleep

Croix

[Tony 24]

Hi Croix Well its been a funny few days, I saw the counsellor on Thursday, I had typed out a list of things I was doing and she said I was on the right path, to be honest I did not gain much from the visit other than reinforce I was doing the right things, I spoke more with my wife and am helping her with breathing, she only has one lung but she said it helps, she is told things but forgets, I got her back colouring in again, so it helped me helping her, she did not want me to leave her so I could not go on my walk, maybe tomorrow. we go to see her chest specialist on Tuesday, what he says will have a big impact on the future, Friday night I had my worst night ever, Saturday was a bit better but Saturday night I slept from 10 until 5am without any problem, I'm hoping this a sign I am improving. I have just finished redecorating one room and we are happy with the result.thanks for listening Croix.

[Croix]

Dear Tony~

Being told one is doing the right things can be a real boost, even if it only seems a small thing to hear. To have some of the doubt taken out of your decisions, and also out of how you view yourselves, is a pretty big thing.

You were quick with doing the room! If I could do it I know I'd take ages by the time I covered the furniture, moved the bookcases and all. Plus coming to an agreement wiht Mrs C over the colour scheme:)

I hope when you see the specialist on Tuesday he will say the remaining lung wil become more robust and your wife will in time be able ot breath easier, it may make her feel more confident and hopefully take some of the loss off you - so you can go for that walk.

Your sleep pattern may be like mine has been, not always having an easy to identify cause when it is bad, I would hope overall there is a trend towards improvement. Being rested makes a huge difference.

Actually something like colouring-in does make a difference too, just enough concentration to steer the mind, while still allowing listening ot the radio or conversation. I do something similar and at the same time listen to old British radio shows, very relaxing.

I look forward to talking again

Croix

[Tony 24]

Hi Croix Well the appointment was bad it seems the cancer appears to have returned, she sees the cancer clinic on Thursday to review if the should offer treatment, before they said too frail, still wait ing on the PET scan date.

Last night I slept from 10 until about 2 but then had this hugh frighting PA, I had to get up for a few hours but deep breathing was very slow to kick in I went back to bed but the PA did not end until I started moving around, at 7 am today I have been very busy and I think I took the bad news better than I thought I would, I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow and will ask for a mental health plan and see a Psychologist ASAP. I had to give up on the painting by numbers as It was so hard on the eyes so now I have bought a jigsaw, I do a bit then leave it seems to help. take care Tony