A broken automaton with a heart (as opposed to working humans without souls)

[Automaton]

Hi everyone,

Autistic and struggling with depression -- nothing new here... Starting independent life as an adult has been overwhelming to say the least, many 'real life' traumas, but crux of my current state has to be, after growing up in perceived and felt, warm, supportive family love, my parents' sudden withdrawal, indifference, and plain coldness towards me -- particularly my mother's -- without inciting cause. This became especially apparent at my coming out with a disability. It seems all they have concern for is how I serve them, now, as an object of gain, or salvageable investment, and any weakness shown makes me more useless in their eyes, to be discarded later. This shocks/confuses me to no end, as I never thought such a thing, such a change in my own parents, was possible. It makes me wonder whether my autism has made me blind to these changes all these years, while growing up in my family. They may as well be different people, wearing the faces of my parents. My family is dead, or worse; they have been killed and raised from the dead -- they have been zombified!

I feel that to never have parental love is extremely hard, but it is so much easier than to have plenty of it, and then be stripped of it for life by the same people who gave it to you in the first place. It is certainly not a trivial thing to deal with, to have to know with utmost certainty that your own parents no longer love you, and that your entire family is gone and you're left all on your own, with your difference/disability and personal limitations, to cope with the feral 'real world'. In honest truth, we all need some genuine love and support, and a safe haven, no matter how strong we believe ourselves to be -- in fact, from my own experience, in spite of it...

Anyway that pitches the main reason for my being in the depths of the mess I am in now, and what brought me here -- struggling with PTSD, OCD, depression, phobias, panic attacks, and anxieties. There are of course at least a dozen other serious traumas in my independent fight for survival, fitting in, and acceptance, but if I started writing all that, you'd be reading from dusk till dawn, and I'd rather not recall them all at once... (I know you'll appreciate it...)

Glad to be here, sharing. Hope I can help others as much as I can receive useful advice and support.

[Automaton]

Thanks Dottie! ^_^ I'm touched. (Really glad I was able to inspire. We speak from the heart, and sometimes the words ring true...) I hope the musical note is one of those really deep notes they use for meditation and spiritual awakening in ancient Tibetan monasteries! 😄

[MarkJT]

There is something very special about listening to the tunes that come from Tibet, Nepal and the like. Traveled to Nepal a few years back. Was absolutely amazing....pity it was cut short by my first high end anxiety attack and the settling in of the PTSD.

Will get back there one day...

[Automaton]

Mark, I hear ya. ^_^ Hope you do. Hope you and me, both.

(I believe what happened shows how your PTSD is your body's way of coping with the built up trauma/stress -- this is why it started to show itself when you were recovering from your exhausted/used-up state in Nepal.)

Just an update, guys, and back on track for this topic:

I'm not doing so well these days... My mind is running strange errands (to recover/balance itself?), and I'm finding it very hard to cater to my body's needs. My sleep pattern is also irregular, I think mostly to do with the fact that nights are often quieter, while the day is most often crowded with unexpected noises (from animals, vehicles, weather, people). My body is trying to find rest from such triggers.

Sudden exhaustion kicked in one me, and I fell asleep without meaning to, yesterday, while cooking a meal. My dinner was completely ruined -- lucky I didn't burn the place down...!!

My depression has come back full swing this morning, and partly I am sure it has to do with my malnutritioned state -- I'm finding it really hard to get house chores done, to keep to schedules, and to prepare a variety of meals.

Unfortunately for me, fast-food delivery is really not an option where I live, which makes things in crises like this very difficult -- I am in pieces, I don't feel ready to step out of the house, but I have to not only go out into public and face all the acute triggers, but also to think about what foods/ingredients I am going to get for cooking, and make executive decisions about it (which take a toll on me, and set me back, mentally, at the moment, making my mind run more "strange errands" following such a strain).

(And I don't have anyone to help me...)

All in all, I'm in a bad mess, pretty much at the bottom where I started... :'(

I'm losing confidence in my abilities to get a hold on things, and manage to take care of myself... the thought of which fills me with much grief.

FYI, the "strange errands" that I'm referring to are things like over-focused cleaning/sorting of things that don't make much sense in terms of priority to sort at the moment, obsessive over-indulgion in thoughts and activities related to my special interests, and extensive stimming sessions where I completely retreat into my thought-world, and do absolutely nothing but stim, and focus on my sensory experiences.

Even fundamental body needs, such as hunger, don't always register well with me when I'm like this, so how can I take care...?

[Automaton]

What do you call it when you see and get startled by things that aren't there (around the corners of your eyes)? Like moving spiders, bugs, etc. I'm having that a lot lately, and I've never had it before. I guess it's related either to anxieties or mental tiredness, or both. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? (Is my rational psyche in danger? That is, am I "going crazy"? o.O)

[Guest_322]

Hi Automaton,

You're most welcome. The musical note can be any kind of note that you like. If you would like it to be a deep, meditative note then so be it 😊 Your words will stay with me for a long.

Um...I'm not 100% sure what you're referring to but do you mean hallucinations? Either way, it sounds very unnerving. Maybe it's something worth bringing up when you next see your doctor.

Dottie x

[NAG]

Automaton, hi,

trying to be on top of autism for my son, this developed after an extremely traumatic experience for him at age 5... I e read your blogs but at first you say that you have no official diagnosis of this problem but then I read on did I skip the official diagnosis I'm not judging he and I have lives with this for 5 years I just hope he gets to your kind of place I'm searching for guidance for both of us because you're kind of happy and peace is what he needs and i want for him ... don't know your age so I'm all about filling in the blanks to get him to where you are... just looking for guidance for we have been left to our own devices to work it out ... please share your thoughts

[Automaton]

Hi NAG,

I'm 31, and still undiagnosed, but I've been living autistic, unaware, my whole life. I've displayed (strong, clinically typical) autistic tendencies/mannerisms from the age of two! To my great misfortune, growing under parental/social pressure, I've learned to hide my "autistic nature" from the world, and even my family (by finding "normal" excuses for my autistic behaviours, and isolating myself when I needed to stim, and seek comfort) -- I've become a master at "passing". My parents have acknowledged that I'm "different", but have always denied that I am disabled. This is until things came crashing down after I started my own, independent career and life. I now suffer from PTSD and autistic burnout -- both due to not having known that I am autistic, and not having known how to take care of myself.

I may not (yet) have bragging rights, but if you have any autistic living related questions, I'd be happy to answer them to the best of my personal knowledge and experience.

A few important things to know:

Your child is not alone and neither are you! Go onto the Tumblr social website and type in #actuallyautistic in the search box. You will see posts made by actually autistic (mostly diagnosed) people on how to cope, with much positivity and support. Many of these people are much more successful than I am at life. It's a very good idea to follow these posts as a parent to an autistic child, and gather knowledge about autistic living, and ideas on how and what to teach to your children.

Love, patience, and understanding are key. Autism *is* a disability, not matter how "mild" it may seem/feel. But to be disabled doesn't mean to not be able. It just means you need to take things at your own pace, to your body's different workings, and tailor a life for yourself that addresses your needs and lets you be yourself, be your best, and be happy.

It is very important to take care of yourself, especially for autistic people, and particularly adults. The best way to learn these essential skills is in childhood.

Embrace and encourage stimming and special interests. To deny them is to bar from safety and happiness. If you can, try to channel them into productive activities, but they serve a purpose by themselves!

For answers relating to understanding autism, and its many related conditions, find Amythest Schaber's "Ask an Autistic" video series on YouTube. She is an officially diagnosed adult who has built a wonderful resource for parents to help and guide.

[Automaton]

Also, if you have a small child who is autistic, learn their body language and expressions. There is happy stimming, there is agitated stimming, there is stressed out and worn out stimming, and they all look different -- if you learn to distinguish between these, you will better understand the needs and the current condition of your child.

Being autistic very often makes it very hard or near-impossible to communicate things the conventional way. I used to jump up and down and flap my hands nervously when I needed to go to the toilet as a small child, and recite a saying endlessly (echolalia) that I thought best coveyed what I was trying to let my parents know -- that I needed to go urgently! 🙂

It's important to recognise that the autistic way of expression is just as valid as any other human form of expression -- we are all people, and this is all natural behaviour.

As for the hard subject of PTSD and autistic burnout that I'm going through, I've just found the following notes:

----

What is autistic burnout?
Autistic burnout is when autistic people lose abilities they used to have and are unable to regain them. It can happen suddenly or it can happen over a longer period of time.

What kind of abilities do you lose?
That varies a lot. It can mean anything from an autistic person who has always been verbal suddenly turning non-verbal, to an autistic person who used to get good grades becoming unable to study at all, to an autistic person who used to have no trouble with personal hygiene suddenly needing help with it. It’s very different from person to person and it often affects more than one area of your life.

What causes autistic burnout?
It can be caused by trauma. It can also happen out of nowhere for no discernible reason. It often happens after a long period of spending too much energy on trying to pass as neurotypical.

Is it permanent?
It isn’t always permanent but regaining the lost abilities is hard work and can take a long time -- and often you’ll never reach the place where you used to be, even if you progress. That being said, sometimes it passes by itself and sometimes you end up with abilities you never thought you'd have. It can be quite unpredictable.

----

So far, I've learnt that the three most important things you need to recover from autistic burnout are:

1. Rest -- this means avoiding triggers/stress/anxieties.
2. Following a Routine -- helps to conserve mental energy.
3. Taking Time Out -- to recharge (s. interests) and stim.

[Automaton]

Thanks Dottie,

I'm finding online, based on people's professional diagnoses and personal experiences that it is most often related to mental tiredness and sleep deprivation, but that an increase in these imaginary corner-of-the-eye sightings can be an indication that the retina in the sufferer's eye has been fractured/damaged, and an optometric examination is highly recommended.

I am betting that it is my lack of sleep that's causing it, but I will be visiting the optometrist soon for a new pair of glasses, and I will schedule a more thorough eye health chek-up with them, just to be safe.

On a psychological level, such sightings are also caused by fear, stress, and anxieties, apparently. I have plenty of fear, stress, and anxieties, so these can definitely be a factor, along with my lack of proper sleep.

I've also noticed that this happens more frequently with people who strain their eyes a lot in their profession -- suggesting that it may have something to do with eye-strain as well as sleep deprivation (lack of time for the eyes to physically recover).

[rustee_nails]

as a teen i was a true enemy of the state. there was one year where i spent 14 weekend days being held for monday court sessions just to be let out because i hadn't done anything wrong but piss off a cop(not illegal but they mostly don't care). i was just known by the police and that was enough to be a target for abuse. (sorry mark but i will never call the police ever again no matter how much danger i'm in...your employers abuse is part of the system and even the job application (that i failed before pen hit paper) rewards smart people with narcissistic or bullying tendencies with commanding roles to promote and further their violent tendencies. they once arrested me 45 minutes after leaving hospital from a 4day drug coma ,for breaching my curfew while i was unconcious and brain dead. i told them they only needed to call the hospital.he asked if i had their number ,i asked if he could look in the yellow pages in the hotel room 2 metres away. he shoved my face in the wall and handcuffed me.this was on a thursday and on monday morning they had to take photo's of all the blood in my cell to create a case study (i'm guessing)on how not to treat incarcerated people in need of medical help .never saw the document but it wasn't csi taking the photo's.)

i'd say that's for another thread ,but i'm so very tired of being a police target.

my point was: after 3 days away from my pain meds and 72 hours of constant light from two 5foot fluero lights.

(which is classed as sleep deprivation and against the geneva convention as one of the listed forms of torture.)

and no window, you lose your reference points of what most people consider real. usually the first thing i notice

and i've heard others say the same, is flat walls get minute texture ,textured walls shimmer.usually insensitive

people can become hypersensitive.

from research it seems no matter how "sane" someone is,they suffer these same effects.

the edge of your vision has far less cones and rods to react to light changes quickly.

that is why i believe it starts in your periphery.

but after 3 weeks in solitary in a supermax once,

my brain was so cooked i dont think any of my cones and rods

were firing and resetting as normal ,because gloss flat cream paint over a breezeblock

was starting to look like television snow.

and i haven't ever experienced anything like that since or before .

i can take any physical stress but if you want to break a man ,take his sleep.