A broken automaton with a heart (as opposed to working humans without souls)

[Automaton]

Hi everyone,

Autistic and struggling with depression -- nothing new here... Starting independent life as an adult has been overwhelming to say the least, many 'real life' traumas, but crux of my current state has to be, after growing up in perceived and felt, warm, supportive family love, my parents' sudden withdrawal, indifference, and plain coldness towards me -- particularly my mother's -- without inciting cause. This became especially apparent at my coming out with a disability. It seems all they have concern for is how I serve them, now, as an object of gain, or salvageable investment, and any weakness shown makes me more useless in their eyes, to be discarded later. This shocks/confuses me to no end, as I never thought such a thing, such a change in my own parents, was possible. It makes me wonder whether my autism has made me blind to these changes all these years, while growing up in my family. They may as well be different people, wearing the faces of my parents. My family is dead, or worse; they have been killed and raised from the dead -- they have been zombified!

I feel that to never have parental love is extremely hard, but it is so much easier than to have plenty of it, and then be stripped of it for life by the same people who gave it to you in the first place. It is certainly not a trivial thing to deal with, to have to know with utmost certainty that your own parents no longer love you, and that your entire family is gone and you're left all on your own, with your difference/disability and personal limitations, to cope with the feral 'real world'. In honest truth, we all need some genuine love and support, and a safe haven, no matter how strong we believe ourselves to be -- in fact, from my own experience, in spite of it...

Anyway that pitches the main reason for my being in the depths of the mess I am in now, and what brought me here -- struggling with PTSD, OCD, depression, phobias, panic attacks, and anxieties. There are of course at least a dozen other serious traumas in my independent fight for survival, fitting in, and acceptance, but if I started writing all that, you'd be reading from dusk till dawn, and I'd rather not recall them all at once... (I know you'll appreciate it...)

Glad to be here, sharing. Hope I can help others as much as I can receive useful advice and support.

[rustee_nails]

That's pretty effing cool. seriously. i've had experimental surgery but you trump my bragging rights by far 🙂

[rustee_nails]

um. don't know how to say this better. but the reason you're getting so much praise is because you are exact,

on the point while still achieving nuance ,and seemingly (to me) correct about the things you've said.

do you have education in this field? because i'm trying to and don't know 1% that's as poignant as what you

have said. i've passed every autism (even spectrum) test , but at about 6 i stopped sleeping for 5 days at a time,

and being buddhist, when i was told to stare at the ceiling until the sun came up, i did .for 5 days on the stretch,

until it was too obvious to ignore ,so my chemist parents prescribed me heavy sleepers. i was still not "normal"

but not hyper attentive enough to trigger any test. i'm talking too much about me.

what i wanted to ask is :is this off the top of your head from personal learning or do you have any suggestions,

maybe a book on extroverted introvert hyperactive catatonic self medicating genius with heavy brain damage.

i seriously hope you write a book if you have this knowledge off the top of your head!

peace

[Automaton]

You should see my face right now. I'm staring with a blank expression at your post and looking like this: o.O (at least in my mind I am, not sure what's actually on my face...)

Most of my self-analysis comes from years and years of studying myself and people in general (what I call "the human condition" is one of my primary special interests), but, of course, I've read all kinds of things on the topic of people from all sorts of scientists, researchers, artists, spiritual leaders, thinkers, peers, and advocates. It would be impossible for me to list them all, but, in regards to autism, and living autistic, I think Amythest Schaber's "Ask an Autistic" YouTube videos are an excellent starting net (I can't link because of forum rules, so you'll need to Google it), and for listening to your body's needs, and curing/helping yourself, Eleanor Longden's TED talk, called "The Voices in My Head", comes to mind. Also, you may find Rosie King's TED talk, called "How Autism Freed Me to Be Myself", inspirational. There's also an excellent video that's brimming with positivity by Megan Rhiannon on YouTube ("A Bit of a Brave Video: Autistic Simming").

Otherwise, if you have any specific questions, I'll be glad to point you in the right directions and/or answer them. I can't list everything I've read/studied because most of it is merged in my mind, and I no longer have a specific reference. (Maybe if you asked me about a specific topic, I could remember some thoughts/texts, and dig them out for you...)

The important thing to know is that the answer to how you should live your life resides within you. Your body knows what is best for it/you. You only need to listen very carefully, and get to know it over time. I've lived with alexithymia my whole life, so you can believe me when I tell you that even if your own body stops you from knowing how things are impacting you and what's happening inside you, you can *still* tell what's wrong, and what you should do to correct it if you learn to listen to your body and your instincts. When that certain feeling hits, believe that your intuition is right, and do your research based on that. Gather as much knowledge as you can from as many different sources as you can find, regardless of origin -- their origin is people and their experiences. Only when you've collected loads of (conflicting) information should you attempt to decypher the truth, following your intuition as your genuine guide. (It's usually somewhere in the middle.)

[Automaton]

But keep in mind that any medications or substance will unbalance your body, and make it impossible for the duration of its effect/after-effect (recovery) for you to get genuinely in touch with your body's sense of balance, and the right intuition to make an accurate and healthy judgement.

Also, if you're into philosophy, Rudolf Steiner's "Intuitive Thinking as a Spiritual Path" is an excellent read. It will teach you about how you (we all) work, essentially, as human beings.

[Automaton]

Also, Betty Edwards' "Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain" has helpful insight and artistic exercises to help you get in touch with the inner workings of your brain. (Pretty cool, true, confidence-building stuff. ^_^)

Remember that no matter how "different" or "faulty" your brain is, you need to respect it, because it has its own, unique worth. You can have the best working specimen of a brain in the world, but if you don't use it right, you can still be a lump of coal. In contrast, you can make amazing use of working with a "disabled" (and yet very much able!) brain. It's all about how well you respect your body and brain, how well you know it, and what you make of it.

[MarkJT]

Automaton, my memory is cooked from PTSD due to the horrors I have seen. Without getting to technical about it (because I don't know the ins and outs of it!), my brain was to busy fighting the images which i had not processed to store memory. I have had it explained to me before but of course, cannot remember it!

It is so "funny" when i get together with a few mates who have PTSD and the conversation jumps all over the place as no one can remember their stories.

It is getting better though, albeit slowly as there was a time when i would be half way through a conversation and would just go blank.

I understand what you are saying about having notes and a completely structured life. What happens down the track if you get that down pat but an unexpected incident occurs? It throws the system all out of place. My reminders are stuff that i have to do or have to attend etc.

I really like how you have used humor at the end to describe your autistic burnout and how "lucky" you are. Must keep some kind of humor.

Mark.

[Automaton]

Is that sarcasm? Did I use sarcasm? Or is is just a funny contradiction (choice of words)?

I see about your PTSD... I've never heard of something like that, but I do believe it is possible, even if I can't understand (yet) how it happened. It's nice to see that you have learned to live with it, though, and that your are making the best of it, trying to accept it as a part of your person, and taking it positively (as much as possible). ^_^

That's the best that we can do with things we can't "fix" -- like my alexithymia and autism, and your PTSD and "cooked" memory.

Also, glad to hear that it *is* getting better -- which means it's not a permanent thing, and your brain *is* recovering at its own pace.

I trust you have taken steps to make sure that you can protect yourself, and that such trauma does not happen again, and/or you'll know how to handle it before it causes damage? That's crucial to our safety, and it's best to take written notes on that.

And yes, you've put that so nicely -- that's exactly my worry with getting used to having things so well structured. Unexpected surprises are common in life, and I'm worried that they will shock me much more seriously than when I don't have things structured so well. But then again, I'm coming to the conclusion that if I want to accomplish things, and feel good about my life, I need to somehow structure it. Perhaps that is a small price to pay for having balance, safety, and satisfaction the most of my life -- and, most of all, energy to cope with things.

I think the best thing to do is to fill much of my daily schedule with my activities that stem from my special interests -- the more that help me earn my bread (and are productive for living/survival) the better. This way (by having passion and purpose in the things I do daily), I will reduce/balance the effects of my stress, anxieties, and depression, make myself more resistant (kind of like strengthening your immune system) and not allow myself to fall so mentally ill again.

Avoiding autistic burnout will be more challenging, but I think, once again, this safety net will help, as well as my vigilant awareness and notes as to how things are affecting me, and how much I am giving from my body to the world, and when do I need to seek shelter.

I think I have a plan, now, and I think it's not a bad plan...

[MarkJT]

Yep i use a lot of black humour so when you say you are "lucky" i see that as humour but yes can also be sarcasm as well.

I managed to square away the fact that i was never going to be the same again some time ago. I accepted that my brain is injured and I accepted that for the rest of my life, I will have to put up safeguards and be vary conscious of what i see and do to try the best i can not to relapse. It is a very tiring existence but better than the alternative which is living like a hermit and not doing anything or seeing anyone.

Agree that it is good to fill your day with activities but not ones that are absolutely critical as if you cannot get that done, the consequences are deeper. Make sure that you have activities that can be burnt if something more important comes up so you do not overload yourself.

Great that you have a plan. It is very important. I had a recovery plan and it worked, for the most part pretty well but then again, i was very very luck that so many of pieces to the jigsaw puzzle that recovery is, fell into place. For that i am exceptionally thankful.

Mark.

[Automaton]

Mark, you're a crucial part of my jigsaw puzzle -- thank you so much for all your generous and considerate (non-judgemental) help! It meant (means) the world to me. ❤️

You truly are a champion, both in helping others, and in your own fight. I want you to know that you are a very special kind of person that the world needs more of, and I mean that sincerely, from the bottom of my broken heart. Just like Rocky, you really deserve to be proud of who you are, and your genuine accomplishments -- and that's saying a lot in my eyes.

Once again, the great wisdom in your advice has surprised me, and I will keep it close as I battle on on my own journey (after all, I'm still only at the very start, now).

[Guest_322]

Hi Automaton,

I have really enjoyed reading all your posts. You bring a different perspective- in the best possible way- to the forums. A refreshingly original outlook and insight.

Above all, your open mindedness and respect for how we each have to learn and heal on our own terms is what continues to stand out to me. I have to admit that I'm someone who hates being told what to do (or how to live or how to heal) so your attitude really hit a nerve with me. In a good way.

I'll respond to the very helpful and much appreciated posts that you addressed to me earlier at a later date. I'm wiped.

Just keep being you. You really are awesome!

Dottie x