Therapist breakup - should I or shouldn’t I?

[Starburst10]

Hey, first time poster here looking for some support as I’m struggling. I’ve been seeing my psychologist for a few years now and found our work together to be really helpful for the most part. I’ve been seeking treatment for anxiety with origins in my childhood, in particular my relationships with my parents. It has been a big deal for me to open up to someone about this stuff. About a year ago my therapist announced she was taking about 9 months off to have a baby and would not know her availability when she returned to work as she needed to prioritise childcare. Logically I got it, but emotionally I was devastated. With the uncertainty surrounding if/ when she would return to work, it made it difficult for me to know where I stood. She did return to work recently (at reduced hours) and I’ve been a little hesitant to return to therapy straight away. I’ve had about three sessions with her since she’s returned to work and things are different. She’s increased her fees significantly and has implemented kind of a harsh policy where clients need to commit to fortnightly sessions, need to pay half the fee in advance as a deposit, and give her 1 week’s notice of cancellation or they lose that deposit. I’m not financially equipped to commit to fortnightly sessions right now, and I’m unsure if jumping back into fortnightly sessions is even right for me at this stage. I would rather build back up slowly to where we were at before she went on leave and I think that is going to take time. I’ve tried to discuss my concerns with her and she’s been responding in ways that to me feel really rigid and defensive, like “this is how I need to run my business, that’s just the reality” and “is it hard for you that this baby comes first?” (That one seemed so strange to me). So the choice she’s given me is I can either go on a cancellation list for sporadic appointments here and there, or I can commit to fortnightly sessions and enter into a payment plan. It makes me feel like I’m not a priority and could easily get into debt. After seeing her look at the clock about 5 times during our last session together, I just can’t help but feel that her focus is elsewhere. I truly value all the work we’ve done together over the years and all the progress she’s helped me to make. I’m just having the thought that I might need something different than what she can provide now. Am I being unreasonable? Why is this so upsetting? Have you ever “broken up” with your therapist? What was it like?

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

I can understand this would be really upsetting for you. You’ve built up a good relationship and made positive progress together, and now there’s been a change that’s unsettled that. Your feelings are valid. It’s also understandable that your therapist’s situation has changed and she’s had to make some decisions for her own financial well-being.

I have previously been in a similar situation as yours, and decided to find someone else. It’s a big decision and you really need to weigh up what will work best for you. It’s ok to move on if that’s what you feel is best, you have no obligations to your therapist.

Take care. Katy

[Summer Rose]

Hi Starburst10

Welcome to the bb forum and thank you for sharing your concerns about your therapist.

It’s sad that your current therapist’s new business arrangements don’t meet your needs. I can certainly understand why you wish it wasn’t so. Sounds like you two did good work together and achieved a lot (congratulations).

However, your concerns are valid and I can understand your unease about continuing with her. The vast majority of people would have a hard time adhering to her terms and conditions without going into debt. A week’s notice for a cancellation is unreasonable, in my opinion.

From my experience, it might take time to find a new one who is the right fit. Particularly, as most therapists are stretched trying to meet demand in our Covid world. But it can be done.

Perhaps you could keep your options open by putting yourself on the wait list, whilst looking elsewhere for a new therapist.

This will give you some time to see how it goes with your current therapist. It might be that other patients are also concerned about her new T&Cs and it won’t be hard to get an appointment. Or that things may change again.

Kind thoughts to you

[geoff]

Hello Starburst, and a warm welcome to the site.

Your situation definitely reminds me of a surgeon I had to see and his attitude was if you want to see me then you have to pay the extra money, very similar to what your psych has said, and just because she has had a baby, which I congratulate her undoubtedly, doesn't mean she's the best psychologist who can help you so if her rules don't oblige you, then you need to find someone who is more accommodating.

I understand she has a new baby and if she wants to go back to work under these circumstances, then watching the clock in a session is not providing you with the ability to help you with all her training, her mind is elsewhere and not focused on why you're there.

She may have provided you with all the help required before the baby was born, and that makes you feel good, but now she's only working for the money, sure we all work to pay the bills, but your mind is focused on doing your very best, but as you're not happy then therapy is like pushing a wheelbarrow uphill and time to move on.

The psychologist I had been seeing for about 20 years (WorkCover) suddenly upped and left without even telling me and that was disappointing, let alone heartbreaking, only because she had helped me so much, so I know how you feel, but remember you have to feel comfortable when talking to your psychologist, otherwise it's a waste of time.

Hope you can get back to us.

Geoff.