Difficulties Understanding Treatment

[P12]

Counsellors and psychologists to whom I have spoken have told me to identify my long term goals and strive for their achievement. But my attempts have been unsuccessful because I lack the practical skills for achievement and that has caused me greater dissatisfaction than before I attempted to achieve the goals. What is the reason for this strategy and why are counsellors and psychologists unwilling or unable to give me practical advice?

I identified the technical topic most interesting to me, looked for collaborators, and asked for support to pursue my interest. I found only two people in Australia with similar interests and believe they are unwilling to collaborate with me because by discrediting me their circumstances will improve. The feedback I received about my requests for support is that the topic is not relevant to society. Instead I am expected to perform a job for which I am imperfect and therefore I am excluded because my processes and ideas are different to the industry. Is it true that society's objective is for greater normality and what is the reason for such a strange aspiration? Why does society reject people who are different? Why does society not allow me to pursue my individual interests and talents? What is the purpose of living if society has no use for my talents and the role that society would have me fulfil causes me trauma?

I was told that independence will not cause me long term satisfaction. Yet, as I have tried unsuccessfully for more than ten years to form a friendship, I question this assertion. The prevailing strategy suggested to me for gaining friends is to participate in activities I enjoy as there I am most likely to meet others with similar interests and beliefs. What is the purpose of living if society directs me to one outcome but it cannot provide the means to achieve that outcome? Surely independence is a far more effective solution.

I'm pretty sure I am lonely. I would like to have a friendship or at least feel welcome in society. But my efforts never seem to work. People make suggestions but I must be special because they don't work for me. The harder I try, the more independent I become, because my methods appear stranger to others, and the less liked I become. I really don't understand the society in which I live. I wish I wasn't so sad.

I often cry uncontrollably and am unable to sleep when I realise I will not achieve my desires and there is nothing I can do about it. My life is apparently meaningless.

[P12]

My plant is a Tasmanian Wattle bonsai tree. It is only seeds at the moment. I hope they will grow into an actual plant.

Yesterday I read a thoughtful information pack about how to develop self-compassion. It advocated developing an image of compassion, concentrating on it as much as possible, and communicating with it in my own way. By being compassionate with an imaginary object I will supposedly ingrain myself with compassionate actions towards myself and other people. This may make my life more enjoyable and help me to obtain a friend.

My image is a world full of nature with almost zero human intervention, but with one other person who is my friend, where I can walk freely and communicate with that person. I believe the goals I listed at the start of this thread are aligned with this image. As is my experience that faith and prayer are more effective at developing compassion than more direct techniques.

However, I have realised that most psychotherapy seems to be focused on being short term. I have found few therapists who seem able to work with me long term to help me achieve the goals that I wish to achieve. Some say the way to achieve this is not actually through treatment but by making a friend outside treatment, but I have encountered great difficulty doing this.

[Summer Rose]

Hi P12

I wasn’t familiar with your plant so Googled it—it will be gorgeous when it grows! Good choice.
I love your image, too. Sounds like a dream come true. Right now I am over people (background: I own and run a business with about 200 staff and many suppliers & customers) and would love to run away to your imaginary place!

Had a thought for you about making a friend. It’s a bit out there  but I think it’s worth sharing.

Nursing homes are full of often lonely people who would really welcome and appreciate a new friend and someone to talk to. Before you reject the idea consider that there is bound to be someone there who will have some shared interests with you—you never know who you could meet or what fantastic stories you might hear.
You could offer to volunteer in some capacity and see where it leads. If there is no opportunity create one—you could simply offer to read a novel aloud to interested residents, which would also spark conversation at the end of a chapter. It would give you an opportunity to visit regularly and practice empathy and compassion and do good in the community.
Delivering meals for Meals on Wheels would also provide an opportunity, as I believe the drivers go into homes and chat with customers (you’d have to check).

A few years ago one of my elderly neighbours lost her husband. I started cooking for her and dropping by. During Covid lockdowns we became quite close.

There is a 36 year age gap (she’s 93) but I really like her. We mostly laugh, talk, and drink tea. She loves horse racing and knows everything about it and has introduced me to a new world of sport. I love the stories she tells about her early life in the country. And I always feel good when I leave.

Just something to think about.

Kind thoughts to you 

[P12]

Thanks for your suggestion Summer Rose. I visited my grandmother, who is aged in the 90's, last week. It was a positive experience for me. Although physically she is not as active as when younger, her mind is still very active. I found it memorable to hear her world perspective, which is both similar and different to mine. She has lived alone for 25 years and from my perspective she has flourished in that time. This gives me hope that my life may be enjoyable when I reach an age where I can be independent. I believe independence is a higher aim than interdependence. Apparently however it is impossible to be independent before one has been interdependent. I will continue trying to be interdependent by meeting other people, despite the confusion and distress it causes me.

[P12]

wo days ago I had a new meeting with my psychologist. Here is my summary.

- Overall I feel the meeting was productive because the psychologist gave me some specific suggestions.
- However, I feel the meeting did not entirely focus on my objectives. I feel it focused too much on four short term and one longer term difficulty, which overall I still believe are not my underlying difficulty.
- The short term difficulties were: an email that had a negative effect on me, a conflicting workplace event, minimal interest in events I had organised and attended, and a lack of response from individuals and organisations I had tried to contact. The longer term difficulty was trying to make a friend.
- My psychologist will analyse the email.
- My psychologist tried to diffuse and re-pose my concerns about the workplace event.
- My psychologist said it is normal that 90% of people I try to contact will ignore me, 9% will respond only briefly, 1% will be willing to meet me, <0.1% will be willing to meet me repeatedly.
- My psychologist believes I simply must try harder and for longer to meet other interesting people and to establish a connection with another person. I should do this by attending even more events, trying harder, by focusing more on other people when communicating, and by marketing myself more.
- Most people seek standout individuals. As I do not fit this description will not make many friends. However, with luck or persistence my particular traits may be noticed by another individual because the traits are irrationally valuable to that person. This is the strategy I should try to use.
- When I was asked whether I still experience social anxiety I said I more felt ineffective and stressed than anxious in social situations. However, after the meeting I realised that this was not true. I certainly feel social anxiety to society in general. Occasionally I also feel anxiety to specific individuals.

[P12]

Part 2 (I am still experiencing technical difficulties with the 2500 character limit.)

- I think my psychologist believes my underlying difficulty is social connection, and the treatment is exposure, education, behaviour and belief change. However, I believe it is secondary to my difficulty of independence and not being able to self actualise.
- For this reason I don't have a strong connection with my psychologist. I feel he is trying to treat me by converting me to his beliefs and personality more than allowing me to develop and realise my natural talents and objectives. This is an example of my confusion with the principles of psychotherapy.

[P12]

Today I had a new meeting with a short term counsellor. Here is my summary.

- My counsellor reported on her review of suitable alternative practitioners for me following our meetings. She said there was no clear standout. She recommended I create a shortlist using online searches and narrow it using consideration and trial and error.
- I feel imperfectly matched to my psychologist because I feel he is directing me towards his goals and values, not mine. It is hard to direct meetings as I would like. I should try to persevere.
- I value independence higher than interdependence. This is in opposition to my psychologist, who I think believes my belief is incorrect.
- To me independence looks like: self-actualisation; being free from influence of others; awareness of my psychological states; intellectual satisfaction; understanding the function of the world; making one friend; walking freely through the world.
- I felt more independent at school and university than in the years since, not because my talents were more highly valued there but because active exclusion and demeaning was more highly regulated against. It is not only that my values are unwanted that makes me feel un-independent, but that they are actively restricted by other people.

[P12]

Part 2 (I am still experiencing technical difficulties with the 2500 character limit.)

- I tried to explain the most distressing situations I have experienced: when I think I am an outsider, because I think the world is meaningless, after I realise that I cannot achieve my objectives, and don't understanding the reasons why, despite the incredible efforts I make.
- Being an outsider brings me distress because my experience of psychotherapy is that it cannot handle outsiders, despite this being its domain. Although psychotherapy is partly scientific it is also individualistic. Although I experience opposition because I am different, because I function with uncommon beliefs and values, I am important to society as an outlier. Real psychotherapy will recognise this and help me.
- Other distressing situations I have experienced, which have caused panic attacks and trauma, are legitimate ongoing events. I feel my psychologist has tried to diffuse my thoughts about these events. Although it may be difficult to reach justice in society about the events, I have a right to seek justice through psychotherapy.
- Overall I felt my counsellor was a little preoccupied to be able to give me her full attention and insight. I said I would prefer not to make a new appointment in order to save one for a future period of distress.

[P12]

Please don't feel obligated to respond Summer Rose. I am writing for my personal benefit and if anyone feels inclined to respond I am glad to have contributed.

[Summer Rose]

Hi P12

Your visit with your Grandmother sounds lovely—for both of you.

I have no parents or grandparents left and I really miss them all. I suspect that is why I enjoy visiting with my elderly neighbour so much, it’s the nature of the connection across generations that I need. Not to mention that we have a lot of fun together!

Good on you for being a good grandson and making a compassionate gesture.

Kind thoughts to you

[Summer Rose]

Hi P12

To me your appointment with your psychologist sounds like it was quite productive, particularly given you were likely only there for about an hour.

I could be wrong, but it might be that he/she was trying to triage your issues and perhaps deal with the most immediate before tackling the deeper issues. This way you might be in a better place to deal with the deeper issues. Does that make sense to you?

How do you feel about attending more events and “trying harder”? From what you’ve shared here, I think it could be quite challenging. Do you feel up to that?

I suspect the strategy is to cast a very wide net and see what you “catch”. Another strategy would be to more carefully target events to those you think will present a greater chance of success. I guess it depends on your ability to cope through numerous events and manage your social anxiety.

 I really like the suggestion to focus more on other people during encounters. Did he/she explain how to do this? Maybe you could try some mock social encounters and he/she could give you specific advice and coaching. Just some food for thought.

Kind thoughts to you