Wife wants separation

[riverrock1981]

My wife and I have been together for 14 years, have been married for 8 years and have 2 youngs girls (4 and 6 years old).

Last year my wife was diagnosed with depression, although she most likely had been suffering in silence for many years. She had a tough upbringing (her mother also had mental health issues), and she left home at 16.She made it through all that but I think there are many scars from that time, that affect her self esteem and self worth.When she was diagnosed,I attended one of her counselling sessions where she disclosed that she had run up credit cards debts in excess of $30k. This was not the first time in our relationship that she had spending/money issues, but previously they were smaller amounts ($5k).

In any case,I tried to support her through that as much as possible.She has been on medication and we have cleared the credit cards, and she says that she has been in a good place. We have sold our house and are currently looking to but another property.At an auction last weekend, we were registered to bid and I had an understanding of what I thought our maximum amount was.However, during the auction, she was putting pressure on me to bid well in excess of what I thought our agreed maximum was.I refused to do so, as the house needed work, would probably require us to live in it for some time (which she had expressed reluctance to), and there was risk with respect to future renovation costs. In the pressure situation, I became quite annoyed and was dismissive of her badgering,telling her to stop.

Following the auction, she told me I was a useless husband and pathetic excuse for a man, and that I need to grow some balls.She feels that this has verified her opinion that I do not treat her with respect, or value her opinions.She has perceived my refusal to increase our bid as confirmation of my opinion of her.She feels that it was a moment of enlightenment for her, and that she no longer wants to be with someone like me.

Over the past 6 months, she has also stopped talking to my brother's wife, and she has stated that she only wants to surround herself with people who make her feel positive. As our daughter has recently started school, she has focussed on developing new friendship groups with other mothers. I think this is positive, but I also wonder if perhaps she sees me as a person who does not make her feel positive and so is looking to cut me out of her life.

I do not want to lose my wife & kids.Any help would be great.Thanks

[james1]

Hi riverrock1981,

I'm sad to hear how your relationship with your wife is going, and the really difficult situation you are in now, worried about losing your wife and kids.

It sounds like she's been really unfair to you as you were just trying to be financially responsible, and even if you weren't, it is quite a harsh and unfair criticism. Nonetheless, it sounds like you have been able to look at the situation from her side and see that she feels (rightly or wrongly) that she needs to be around people who treat her a certain way (again, rightly or wrongly) and she's trying to move forward in that way. It is good that you've been able to look at it this way, because in my own experience, people will do what they want to do, and the best we can do is put our best foot forward and hope for the best.

I don't know how viable an option couples therapy is for you both, but it could be helpful to get an outside opinion. Otherwise if she is not willing to engage, it might be beneficial to make sure you also have a good support network around yourself. It sounds like you love your girls a lot, and whichever way things go, it'll be important that you feel you are supported enough to take the best care of them that you can.

Still, I'm really sorry to hear that you've had to cop all this criticism. It seems really unfair, and I hope it's something that you can put to the side, and focus on what really matters to you.

James