When do I put myself first? Partners anxiety and nastiness

[kezza_187]

My partner and I have 2 kids together (6 and 4). He is a past drug addict, spent the first 3.5 years of my son's life in jail, cheated on me when he was on drugs and I was pregnant with my daughter. We weren't together when he was in jail but we communicated often so he could build a relationship with his kids. He has been out for 9 months and showed no signs of using, has been working full time and we have developed more of a relationship and seeing where it can go (the kids come first and I know that even if we totally break up we will stay in each other's lives as we always have despite situations).

I have been on anxiety meds for 9 years. I have anxiety, phobia and OCD. I would love to say he's helped me with this, at times he has, but more often than not I am told my anxiety is ruining our relationship, I need to get over it etc.

I admit that I hold resentment towards him for not being there for our kids. Even since he got out he doesn't have the kids on his own for longer than a couple of hours as it's too challenging for him.

The last few weeks he has sunk into depression and anxiety. He says he finds it hard to talk to me as I'm a bit of a stress head. I have filled his sister in and she has been spending more time with him etc.

The issue is I feel so selfish and lost as to what's right and wrong. When is enough enough? He speaks to me so badly, always thinks the worst of me and puts me down to the point where my self esteem is barely there, constantly tells me how I'm feeling. He says I make him feel worthless and constantly bring up the past, which I actually make a point of never bringing up! This is where it is difficult because I selfishly think what about me! I have done everything on my own for 6 years, when do I get to make my life about the kids and I, maybe have time to myself even just for an hour or two. I have struggled to get out of bed and go to work in the past but I was the only one there for the kids so I did. I have had enough of feeling like I have a third child. My Dad has cancer, he hasn't even asked how his appointments have gone. My Dad being sick is another thing making me anxious, I spent last week in hospital with my sick daughter and was made to feel guilty for not spending time with him.

How selfish am I? How do I help him when I am getting put down? How do I stop the resentment? How do I find a balance? When is enough enough as it is affecting my mental health hugely.

Thank you 🙂

[white knight]

Hi kezza

Most posts on relationships we remind the poster that there us two sides to every arguement/situation. But this seems more clear cut due to his history and your mental illness.

You cant squeeze orange juice from an apple. You'll never get the level of considerarion you feel is just from a self centred man. Bare in mind there are many selfish people in the world!

So in general terms if we are to do our best with what we have you need to get the best out of his capacities. The dame goes for him. He has the responsibility to get out if you what he can considering your mental health. All this is suppose to give some balance to both lives...but when it is permanently out of balance you have problems.

The level of frustration displayed mostly at the end of your post is evident you are after answers. It means venting but the answer lies within you.

If you do separate you'll need to still encourage him as a dad (again, to get the best out of him and for best communication for your kids sake).

But as last resort, you can attend Relationships AUSTRALIA or visit your GP. If you can concentrate on what I said above, not expecting more than what he is capable of providing, you have a chance.

The positive is his recent "clean" condition.

Senario. What is obvious to some is not to others.

A wife goes for a 20km run. Returns home, collapses on the grass. Hubby been doing housework comes outside with full garbage bags. Sees wife lying on the lawn puffing. Asks wife to take rubbish out to the road because "I'm busy".

Even such obvious situations exist BUT it is not a reflection of their love for each other. With some you have to be direct. Eg "darling, what am I doing" reply "lying on the ground because I just ran 20km"!

"Oh, sorry honey I'll take the garbage out, I didnt think. "

I hope you follow that.

Tony WK

[Croix]

Dear Kezza~
Welcome here to the Forum. From your point of view inside the relationship it must be quite hard for you to stand back and see things for what they are. Having the burden of anxiety, phobia and OCD can make it that much harder again to judge.

I can tell you what I think a relationship should be. Two people loving each other, concerned for each other’s welfare, looking after each other, being reliable and understanding. An equal partnership. Trust on both sides.

Nobody is going to pretend it is always that way, but it does need to ‘even out’, not leaving one partner always carrying all the burden.

I’m afraid your account is just the opposite. Being constantly put down, him not doing his fair share with the kids, blaming you for your illness and using it as a reason for his conduct. Ignoring your father’s condition – and its effect on you. Not supporting you with your anxiety. I could go on but you know it all already.

Being told to “Get over it”!!

This relationship sounds highly toxic. I think you were quite correct in thinking you are dealing with a third kid. As for feeling selfish – no way. Feeling anger and resentment, well I’m not surprised – I would too, very strongly.

If this was me I’d feel that things had already gone too far and needed to stop – it’s that simple. I’d also tend to think no way trust and an equal relationship will ever happen again, but that’s just me.

Because of all that is happening to you it’s most important you try to look after yourself, for your sake, and for your two children. Ensure your meds and therapy is up to date and as effective as it can be.

Is there anyone who can give you support and understanding? That you can talk to? You also need assistance with the children from time to time – is there anyone who can help?

Tony WK above has given very good advice, including the suggestions of your GP and Relationships Australia.

I guess now the thing is if you want to try and get things on an even track, attempting to get the best from your partner that he is capable of, or if you feel it is just not possible.

Whatever you think, please know that you are welcome here, and will always be met with care and understanding

Croix

[geoff]

hello Kezza, good comments by Tony and Croix and I'm just as concerned as you when you say he helps you, but when you are told to 'get over it' then all of this falls by the wayside.
Anxiety, phobia and OCD come under the one heading, but I hope that he is not criticising you for having OCD because that will only make it worse.
You have spent a week in hospital with your daughter, plus your father has cancer which I'm very sorry about, so your partner should be taking the rein and doing as much as he can to help out, but he's not, but there's something that I'm worried about here, as it's that you may think that he is suffering from depression but perhaps he's not and won't talk with you for the reasons you have mentioned, plus whatever you have to do because OCD has made you do them.
To put your mind at ease I've had OCD for many years and know how people treat us when we display any habits/rituals, especially for you when he doesn't seem to be able to relate back to you, so he's using all of this to push you aside.
You have mentioned 'that even if we totally break up we will stay in each other's lives', and if this happens is he going to accept it, and is it something you have kept thinking about.
You are not being self-fish so please never think like that, it's him not respecting your illness and what you have to say. Geoff.