Supporting wife with bad depression...new to this. Am drowning.

[Steve68]

Hello, have been with my partner for 8 years. She had a traumatic upbringing with violent parents..moved house 40 times. Forced to leave home & school at 14. Had a very bad marriage.Her young brother that was her best friend unfortunately grew up to be a toxic person forcing her to stop contact with him.
I fell in love with her instantly. She has a heart of gold but became very sad 3 years ago and stopped trusting people.
Due to my work...we have had to move every few years (instability).
She hasn’t stayed in touch with past friends or family and has isolated herself.Doesn't belong to any groups & hasn't been able to work for last 3 years.
A new city& rental property (my work), the suicide of a close friend , a failed attempt to reconnect with her young brother led her to want to end her life.
I realised she needed professional care and waited 7 days to get her into a good private mental health hospital. I also needed some respite...as she had become angry. Angry at her childhood...her brother....her not having children....not being able to work...angry...being made to live on different locations due to my work....furious....not being able to plant a tree and watch it grow...not having friends...no family connections etc.
She only lasted one night in the hospital and asked me to get her out of there which I did.
Fortunately has started seeing a psychiatrist and been prescribed new medication (6-7 weeks to start working) Diagnosed with severe depression...high anxiety...ptsd due to childhood trauma as well as agoraphobia.
Has gone to 2 sessions so far.
Has been home but is not the sweet girl I know. Either extremely sad or angry. No one she can turn to other than me...but has lashed out with angry outbursts....name calling..bringing up all I ever did wrong etc. Now asked me to stay at a hotel or friends place as she needs space ...doesnt want to see me. I tried to return home to be with her but received angry SMS to keep away..respect her wishes....that I never listen etc.
So..am writing this from a strange bed ....wondering if she is ok....thinking of healing words to text her regardless of the anger and resentment she feels towards me.
I feel SO lost, unsure, scared..do I give her space or insist on going back? Am terrified she will try and hurt herself. Lots of self loathing with her anger - "I'm just a worthless piece of sh*t, I've been a stupid idiot to follow you around with your work, I'm useless etc etc.
I'm scared pls help!

[Sophie_M]

Hey Steve68, welcome to the Beyond Blue Forums. Thank you so much for having the strength to reach out this morning, we know it can be difficult to open up about our lives and to acknowledge when we need further support. We're so sorry to hear about your partners situation, we know this must be very hard on both of you. It sounds like you are an amazing support for her though and are ensuring she gets the correct help. Please know that our community is here to support and guide you through this tough period.  If you feel up to it, we'd also recommedn getting in touch with our Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our counselors will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area. You might be interested in the following Beyond Blue online resources:

• "Talking to someone you are worried about" 
• "Supporting someone" 

Please feel free to keep us updated on your journey here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.
 

[Steve68]

Hi Sophie_M,
Thank you. I will find a private space later and try calling.
I am trying to stay strong and not fall apart as I need to stay strong for her.

[Lagela]

Hi Steve,

I am sorry you and your wife are experiencing this. It is hard and impacting on the whole family.

I’m glad you’re reaching out for help too. It is important to take care of yourself and not lose yourself either.

As someone in your wife’s position, thank you for being there to help her get help and show caring and love for her wellbeing. If you ever feel she is in immediate danger, I would call triple 0.

My own husband has never been tolerant of my depressive episodes. He gets quite angry and ambivalent to my emotions whether they’re angry or sad. While that in itself contributes to the depression, it has also made me more accountable to myself and ensuring my safety plan doesn’t include him. On the other hand, it has given me a boundary that I don’t talk about ‘us’ during the episode. While the relationship is a source of stress, it’s not the only one. like your wife, I have childhood trauma and a previous marriage that had domestic violence.

Have you and your wife got a safety plan that you talk about when she isn’t in the depth of a depressive episode?

wishing you all the best and you’re not alone.

L

[Steve68]

Hi L,
Thank you for sharing with me. I really appreciate seeing the situation from the other side.
I actually don't know what a safety plan is !?
I am new to this experience...wanting to find info..keen to help my partner...would you please let me know what a safety plan entails.
I am worried today as ..due to her angrily telling me she needs space and to go stay elsewhere...she will wake up alone..a cloudy day and I won't be there to make her a coffee or give a cuddle.

[Lagela]

Hey Steve,

gosh your message made me teary - how thoughtful to care that she would be waking alone and you’re not there to give her a cuddle. You’re a very caring and compassionate husband.

Beyond Blue actually have an app that is a safety plan mapped out for you. It’s called Beyond Now.
You can work through it yourself, with a trusted friend or family member or a professional.
It helps identify any triggers, how to make the environment safe (if you have a plan to end your life), what helps you feel better and de-escalate, who you can call and what connections to life you have (or what to live for).

it’s important that other people know of the plan (whoever is on it) and the role that they can play (listening without judgement, sitting with you to watch a movie, fix you some good food). It can help to have professional agencies or organisations on it (beyond blue, lifeline, suicide call back service) for some of the immediate narrative therapy support.

For today - that sounds so hard. Is it possible to go home and tell her that you will give her space and just go about your day without talking about the issues? Making a promise to not talk about anything until she is feeling better? As much as my husband doesn’t tolerate the depressive episode, when I’m coming out of it it’s nice to know he’s just there and that I can get a cuddle when I am ready.

Praying that today is an ok day for you both and that she does get back to the psych soon.

L

[Steve68]

Hello L,
I am so happy that you have responded. Very grateful.
Not a good idea to go home...she told me in all capital letters last night that she doesn't want to see me.
For me...that's the hardest thing...not being there and able to help if need be or...just be there to go for a walk with etc.
I sent her a text this morning that I am always here for her with a rose emoji. No response to that.
She has a psych appointment tmw and I will take time off work to take her there then take her home again. I do hope these visits see an improvement in her.
I love the idea of the safety plan !! When she is ready I will talk about it with her. Thank you for letting me k know about this.
I am staying with a friend at the moment..but boy I miss her!

[Lagela]

You’re very welcome Steve. I’m glad it was helpful.

Is there any way to check that she is ok? Asking her to let you know that she is ok - promising that you’ll respect her wishes but that you just need to know that she’s ok. (I only say this because you mentioned that you were concerned that she may hurt herself).

That’s so good that you can go with her tomorrow. It’s hard and she may want to talk on her own. I’m a big believer in family and working together so hopefully the psych will work with you too in your wife’s best interest and maintaining her confidentiality. You could ask the psych about a safety plan - it’s something they’d be able to help with.
Good luck!
L

[Steve68]

Hi L :)
After trying to call her..no answer.....text her...no reply I was beside myself with worry and got in car to go there (against her wishes) to check she was ok.
Finally received a text saying ' don't want to talk have nothing to say to you'. I was actually relieved as I knew she was alive !!
She texted me this evening telling me NOT to pick her up for psych appointment as she would make her own way there. In her current state she can't drive so can only assume she will call a taxi...which will cost a bitof money.
I just don't understand WHY she has decided to make me the focus of all her anger and vitriol. I am so hurt and confused. I have never done anything nasty to her..always had her back and now...she doesn't even want to see me or talk over the phone.
Is this a normal response to new medication....deep depression and anxiety ?

[815]

Hi Steve,
I am so sad to read your story. I wish I could offer words of advice. I know how utterly painful and heartbreaking your situation is, as I am in a similar situation, trying to support a depressed husband who doesn't want my help...
I just have to keep reminding myself that the man I married and love, is still somewhere behind the wall of depression. And over time, as that wall comes down, I need to still be here on the other side.
All I can say is, keep believing, keep hoping and keep loving. Stay strong and try to look after yourself too. Hoping for the best. Keep us updated.