Supporting wife with bad depression...new to this. Am drowning.

[Steve68]

Hello, have been with my partner for 8 years. She had a traumatic upbringing with violent parents..moved house 40 times. Forced to leave home & school at 14. Had a very bad marriage.Her young brother that was her best friend unfortunately grew up to be a toxic person forcing her to stop contact with him.
I fell in love with her instantly. She has a heart of gold but became very sad 3 years ago and stopped trusting people.
Due to my work...we have had to move every few years (instability).
She hasn’t stayed in touch with past friends or family and has isolated herself.Doesn't belong to any groups & hasn't been able to work for last 3 years.
A new city& rental property (my work), the suicide of a close friend , a failed attempt to reconnect with her young brother led her to want to end her life.
I realised she needed professional care and waited 7 days to get her into a good private mental health hospital. I also needed some respite...as she had become angry. Angry at her childhood...her brother....her not having children....not being able to work...angry...being made to live on different locations due to my work....furious....not being able to plant a tree and watch it grow...not having friends...no family connections etc.
She only lasted one night in the hospital and asked me to get her out of there which I did.
Fortunately has started seeing a psychiatrist and been prescribed new medication (6-7 weeks to start working) Diagnosed with severe depression...high anxiety...ptsd due to childhood trauma as well as agoraphobia.
Has gone to 2 sessions so far.
Has been home but is not the sweet girl I know. Either extremely sad or angry. No one she can turn to other than me...but has lashed out with angry outbursts....name calling..bringing up all I ever did wrong etc. Now asked me to stay at a hotel or friends place as she needs space ...doesnt want to see me. I tried to return home to be with her but received angry SMS to keep away..respect her wishes....that I never listen etc.
So..am writing this from a strange bed ....wondering if she is ok....thinking of healing words to text her regardless of the anger and resentment she feels towards me.
I feel SO lost, unsure, scared..do I give her space or insist on going back? Am terrified she will try and hurt herself. Lots of self loathing with her anger - "I'm just a worthless piece of sh*t, I've been a stupid idiot to follow you around with your work, I'm useless etc etc.
I'm scared pls help!

[Lagela]

Hey Steve,

just checking in on how you’re going?

Hoping that you guys are ok and getting the support you need.

L

[Steve68]

Hi 815
Thank you so much for your healing words :)
I guess I am still getting used to this new normal.
She is going through extreme anger...irrational. I have been told to not contact her (unless she reaches out) as she perceives it as controlling.
Hardest part is not being able to help and seeing the woman I l love replaced with a depressed angry person.
Thanks again 815

[Steve68]

Hi Lagela...unfortunately I had a bit of a panic attack..broke down at work and am being cared for in a ward at a wonderful hospital through work.
I thought I was strong but 4 weeks of relentless ups and downs did my nervous system in.
Partner doesn't know..at any rate in her depression she would think I have done this to get attention (she isn't thinking straight).
I will be attending her psych appointment with her tomorrow. Am anxious as to how that will be.
What a mess !

[815]

Hi Steve,

I am sorry to hear how hard this situation is for you, and the impact it is having on your own health and wellbeing. However it is good that you have sought help and are being cared for. Do you have any family or friends nearby who can also provide support during this difficult time?

I can definitely sympathise, and I wish I could provide further words of advice and support. However at least you can attend her appointment with her tomorrow. I think that is a good step in her allowing you to be there for her.

Please take care of yourself. It will be a long hard road and you will need all the strength you can muster to get through this. My GP's advice to me was to not give up, and to just continue being here for my husband as much as I can. So please, don't give up. And keep posting here if it helps.

[Steve68]

815 you are a sweet and caring soul. Thank you for your support and understanding.
Am getting anxious about seeing her tomorrow...how do I act...etc.
I don't think I will be returning home but I do hope the psych can come up with a safe plan.
She hasn't told any family or friends as she is very shy and private. Both our families live in other States. For me my employer has been amazing. Have received care...support and a place to stay.
I just wish she had stayed in the hospital so she could be cared for and not alone.
Am trying not to think of tomorrow as it gets me so anxious.
Thank heavens for benzodiazepines...at least I can actually sleep without worrying and ruminating.
Thank you for being here !
⚘

[quirkywords]

Steve, 815, Lagela

Thanks for your honesty and sharing your experiences here.

Many more people read your posts than comment.

Your words will help many people who feel alone and no one u derstand then.

Steve I hope the appointment goes well.

I am not sure if you like writing but if you feel up to it you could write a letter to your wife and tell her how much she means to you etc. Keep it and when she is better and it seem the right time you could show it to her. she is in such a dark and confused place that she is pushing away the person she loves the most as sh probably doesn’t want you to see her like this.

I used to push my loved ones away.

[815]

Hi Steve,

I hope you managed to get a restful night's sleep. Hoping all goes will with your wife's appointment today.

Hi quirkywords,

Thanks for your reply also. It's a little heartening to know that someone might be able to find some sort of support from our posts. I think your line about being in such a confused and dark place and pushing those you love the most away, because you don't want them to see you in this state, really helps people in mine and Steve's situation to understand that it is because they love us that they push us away. It is sad that this happens, but definitely gives me hope because for me, as long as there is love there, that is enough to give me hope to hold on. Thanks again.

[quirkywords]

Steve

just wondering how the appointment went.
no need to reply unless you want to.

there is support here at such a difficult time.

it is so hard when a loved one says such hurtful things and behaves In a hurtful way.

Depression can be a cruel illness and at times because one is in such a dark place we don’t want anyone to join us there. At a time when we most need love and support we push those away we love the most and we cause them pain.

I hope your wife and you get the support you need.

[KG82]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been following along these posts as I am in a similar situation, and can identify with the anxiety and desperation that everyone is feeling. Thank you for your honesty about pushing loved ones away quirkywords. My partner and I are in a long distance relationship, and she’s been going through a rough time. I haven’t heard from her in a week and the longer it goes on the more worried and anxious I become. I send her the odd message to let her know that I care and am here when she’s ready, and I know she reads them. I don’t want to suffocate her, and am worried about doing the wrong thing, which is making the situation worse. In the meantime, I have spoken with my own psychologist and have reached out to friends for support. A handful of them have told me that she’s being unfair and to leave. I remind myself that this is not the woman that I love who is doing this, but her mental illness. I still feel at a loss as to what to do.

[815]

Hi quirkywords,

I hope you don't mind me asking, and please don't feel the need to reply if you can't or don't want to, but I thought I might be useful for those of us who are reading and at a bit of a loss as to what to do to support our loved ones, if you were able to share what helped you in those deep, dark and confusing moments?

I know there's no right or wrong answer, but it may help some of us find other ways that we'd not have thought of to support our loved ones.

KG82 - I definitely feel for you right now. I wish I had some words to help, but I think all you can do is to continue to be loving to your partner. Hope things improve for you.

Steve - I hope you and your wife are doing OK.

Take care everyone!