Supporting wife with bad depression...new to this. Am drowning.

Steve68 · ‎13-09-2020

Hello, have been with my partner for 8 years. She had a traumatic upbringing with violent parents..moved house 40 times. Forced to leave home & school at 14. Had a very bad marriage.Her young brother that was her best friend unfortunately grew up to be a toxic person forcing her to stop contact with him.
I fell in love with her instantly. She has a heart of gold but became very sad 3 years ago and stopped trusting people.
Due to my work...we have had to move every few years (instability).
She hasn’t stayed in touch with past friends or family and has isolated herself.Doesn't belong to any groups & hasn't been able to work for last 3 years.
A new city& rental property (my work), the suicide of a close friend , a failed attempt to reconnect with her young brother led her to want to end her life.
I realised she needed professional care and waited 7 days to get her into a good private mental health hospital. I also needed some respite...as she had become angry. Angry at her childhood...her brother....her not having children....not being able to work...angry...being made to live on different locations due to my work....furious....not being able to plant a tree and watch it grow...not having friends...no family connections etc.
She only lasted one night in the hospital and asked me to get her out of there which I did.
Fortunately has started seeing a psychiatrist and been prescribed new medication (6-7 weeks to start working) Diagnosed with severe depression...high anxiety...ptsd due to childhood trauma as well as agoraphobia.
Has gone to 2 sessions so far.
Has been home but is not the sweet girl I know. Either extremely sad or angry. No one she can turn to other than me...but has lashed out with angry outbursts....name calling..bringing up all I ever did wrong etc. Now asked me to stay at a hotel or friends place as she needs space ...doesnt want to see me. I tried to return home to be with her but received angry SMS to keep away..respect her wishes....that I never listen etc.
So..am writing this from a strange bed ....wondering if she is ok....thinking of healing words to text her regardless of the anger and resentment she feels towards me.
I feel SO lost, unsure, scared..do I give her space or insist on going back? Am terrified she will try and hurt herself. Lots of self loathing with her anger - "I'm just a worthless piece of sh*t, I've been a stupid idiot to follow you around with your work, I'm useless etc etc.
I'm scared pls help!

quirkywords · ‎20-09-2020

KG82, 815, Steve , Lagela and everyone reading this,

815 it is find to ask and as you know I can only talk from my experience.

You might look through some of the threads below -pushing a loved one away when depressed is a very common experience. You might find some more tips in these threads and perhaps find others going through similar experiences that you can talk to:

You will have to cut and paste and put imto search engine on top of page right hand side.

My partner is pushing me away
He pushes us away - how do I help?
Pushing friends and loved ones away
I have pushed my husband away
I pushed my husband away
If you love someone with depression, you need to watch this

I think the first thing I hope you know is that it is not your fault and the partner's behaviour is not to do with you.

Those of us who suffer from this illness, may need to be alone. We can still love our partner , it is just we need some time and space alone. It is not because I want to cut them away. It is a very confusing sense of feelings and even harder to try and explain. I wrote before I felt I was so worthless and in a dark place that I didnt want to be with me so how could he. Of course when I was alone I felt lonely.

I realsis it is hard to be there for someone who may say to go away, may tell you they dont love you etc.

815 everyone is different. One thing as a partner of a depressed p[erson you really need to care for yourself and have support. It is very stressful. I think doing hat you are all doing and being their for them despite their behaviour is a good start. Since depression plays ricks on us and we believe no one loves us and that all is hopeless, we may say things that are hurtful but that is the depression talking.

Not sure this has helped. I think supporting each here is a good place for support.

I think the main thing is that you can help but depression cant be fixed. What works for one person wont for another.

You are only human so if it gets too much reach out. You can ring the BB support line where a trained person will listen to you.1300 22 4636

Thanks.I welcome wuestions and hope posting here helps you all.

KG82 · ‎20-09-2020

Thanks 815. It’s definitely a challenge. I had a message from her just before to say that she realises that I want to help and she thanks me for that, but that she really just wants to be alone.

I’m feeling gutted right now.

815 · ‎21-09-2020

Hi quirkywords - I know every situation is different - I guess there is just a sense of comfort in knowing we are not alone, even if we are just sharing experiences in a virtual place. So I think you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I have also read threads you listed and found them useful, especially the last one with the video about living with the black dog. I think the key thing that I've always believed, although sometimes hard to do, is the last tip in that video: always hold onto hope... Thanks again and take care.

Hi KG82 - Please try to take comfort in that she has at least replied and communicated with you. I know it's not necessarily what you want to hear, but at least you know that she knows you are there. It is very had. But please don't lose hope.

Hi Steve - hoping things are OK with you. Just checking in again.

KG82 · ‎21-09-2020

Thanks 815. It’s hard to stay hopeful, and I certainly go through fluctuations. She lives 2.5 hours away, but I don’t think she’d want me to show up anyway.

Steve, how are things going with you?

BetweenThePoles · ‎21-09-2020

Hello Steve. I hope your current situation is well. You are a strong and committed individual and I am proud of you. Your dedication and patience in this matter is admirable and inspiring. I want you to know that you are not alone, not at all. I am in a very similar situation with a close friend. My experiences with her very much align with your own and I truly understand your feelings of sadness and inability to know what to do. I sincerely hope this situation has evolved in a direction which is beneficial for both of you. Your last post spoke of anxiety - a feeling which is completely understandable, relatable and natural for this circumstance. Your partner loves you, be sure of that. With the help of people like KG82, I have gained a greater understanding of why this happens sometimes and I hope you have too. Please take care. I encourage you to let us know how you are going, if you feel comfortable doing so. All the best.