Supporting adult son and grandson

Grace12 · ‎27-06-2018

My adult son is going through a difficult time with child custody issues. He is the primary carer but has to return his 3 year old son to the mother at the end of each week as per the Family Court orders. The little boy becomes very distressed at handover, cries, clings to my son and resists going to his mother until she finally pulls him from my son and takes the little boy to her car where we hear him screaming as she drives away. She says that he settles down within 5 minutes, but it is very distressing for my son, and for me too as I attend all handovers, on his lawyer's advice. I sit with my son afterwards and let him talk but don't feel that I'm helping very much. We both dread the end of each week because we have to go through this. My problem now is that my husband and I had been making plans to take a long camping holiday and we intend to leave in about 3 weeks. I haven't been able to tell my son yet. I thought if I could find someone to accompany him to handovers I would feel I'd put something in place to assist him but it's very difficult to find someone. I thought perhaps I could pay a qualified babysitter to do that, but am not sure anyone would want to do it. I feel guilty for leaving him to cope on his own, especially as he has been advised to have a support person with him. I'll miss my grandson very much while we're away, but want to spend time with my husband on our holiday, so am very torn and not sure what to do.

quirkywords · ‎27-06-2018

Grace12,

Welcome to the forum.

What a wonderful mother and grandmother you are supporting your son support his son.

I think you need to tell your son as soon as possible so he has time to find someone to be there at handover when you are away.

Does he have a friend or relative who may help.?

I can see why as a mother you would feel guilty but you deserve a holiday and he would understand that.

How long are you going away for?

If you leave it till the last minute it will make it hard for him to find someone.

These are just my thoughts and not sure if they help.

I do know the longer you put off something the harder it becomes to do.

Quirky

Grace12 · ‎27-06-2018

Thank you for your advice Quirky. I spoke to my son today and he said of course we must go. It's difficult for him to find friends to help him because they work and can't be there at the time of handover, and he doesn't have any relatives that can do it, apart from me. We will be away about 5-6 weeks on a long driving trip to see my husband's daughter on the other side of Australia. It's a long time to be away especially when there's so much going on with Family Court matters. I have been helping him there too, filing documents and keeping up with all the legal things that have to be done. He has become very dependent on me, phones me often to talk about everything that's happening. Sometimes I find it overwhelming but try to keep calm and rational for his sake.Thankfully my husband is very good and supports me but there are times when I know it's too much for him and then I feel guilty.

quirkywords · ‎27-06-2018

Grace12

Thanks for your reply. I am glad you told your son.

I don’t think I know a parent who does not feel guilty about something.

You are helping your son as much as you can and I am sure he appreciates your effort.

I can feel you are torn between helping your son and going on the trip and being with your husband.

is your husband aware of how you feel about the trip?

I am concerned that you look after your health because if you get run down you won’t be able to help your son.

Quirky

Summer Rose · ‎27-06-2018

Hi Grace12

I think you're an amazing mum and grandma. I know you feel torn in two but for what it's worth it's more than okay for you to go on your trip. You need to go, for you and your relationship.

Your son is an adult; he will cope. It may be challenging for him but it sounds like he wants you to go. If you don't, he may be the one feeling guilty. You and your son obviously really love each other.

If your son simply needs a witness, maybe a neighbour could help at handover? Or maybe handover could take place somewhere else besides home that is court supervised? Or at your son's workplace, so a co-worker can help? It might just mean a bit of juggling times, etc.

Last thought is about the trauma your grandson endures each week at handover. It might pay for your son to get some advice from a child psychologist to hopefully improve the routine/experience. Sounds like an awful lot of heartache for the little guy.

Kind thoughts to you and your family

Grace12 · ‎28-06-2018

Thanks Summer Rose. I do think I need to go on this trip, for a lot of reasons, but it's still going to be hard to leave. The handovers take place at a police station car park where there is CCTV coverage, for my son's protection because the child's mother has made untrue allegations in the past. I think it would be difficult to ask another person to be the support person because they would have to be at that car park. My son is disabled with a severe back injury and is on a single parent's pension. I think that's also an issue because he doesn't come into contact with other adults except on weekends, when he doesn't have his son with him. My grandson's speech was delayed so my son has been taking him to speech therapy through the NDIS, and the results are amazing, he's really speaking well now. The therapist thought the speech delay might be caused by the distress at handovers, and the injuries he has received while at his mother's. The authorities are involved in investigating all this but everything takes such a long time to resolve. I agree with you that a child psychologist would be a good idea because he is suffering trauma.

Grace12 · ‎28-06-2018

Thanks Quirky. Yes my husband is very good, is worried about me and knows how I feel about the trip. On the one hand I'm really looking forward to going away and just experiencing each day of our holiday, but on the other hand it is such a long time to be away. You're right about looking after my health. I should do something about that but sometimes it's hard to find the energy.

Grace12 · ‎02-07-2018

I am not coping with this situation at all. My son is very angry and he won't get counselling. I have given him names and phone numbers to call but he says that it's all talk and no one does anything. He phones me often and rants about his situation, he says he doesn't have anyone else to talk to. This is really taking its toll on me and I feel that I can't cope. I'm wondering whether I should write him an email telling him how I feel. He knows I'm upset and apologizes to me but doesn't stop complaining about his situation, says that no one is helping him, that other people receive help but not him. In fact he does have some good friends and his lawyer is very good, but he doesn't seem to appreciate any of that.

Summer Rose · ‎02-07-2018

Hi Grace12

I want to share a story with you. When my cousin Tom's wife left him and took the four kids, he moved in with my Aunt. She was 65 with a boyfriend and an active social life. He was angry, drinking too much and fighting with his ex for access to the children. It was meant to be a temporary stay; it turned into a 15-year nightmare for my Aunt, who lost her partner, friends, social connections and good health. Listening to Tom's worries, looking after his children on the weekends and constantly worrying about him almost put her in her grave. It also nearly sent her bankrupt. The entire family begged my Aunt to ask him to leave but she couldn't. We all begged Tom to get counselling but he refused. Luckily, we eventually got him out (his sister, my cousin put down a deposit on a house for him) but the damage to my Aunt was done. She supported her son but paid a heavy price.

I'm not saying any of this is going to happen to you. What I am saying is that I know the toll this situation can potentially take on you and your life. I would send your son an email and explain how you feel. I would also suggest that you draw up some "boundaries" to protect yourself. One of those boundaries might be that he limit calls to discuss the issues with you to once a week for half an hour max. Or it could be that he must seek professional support, as a condition of your support. It could also be that you withdraw from attending the traumatic handover sessions. Could be all three or others.

I know this probably sounds harsh but you must protect your health and well being. Remember that your husband and grandson need you too. You also have a right to enjoy your life and maintain your good health. This is not being selfish this is being realistic. Because is sounds like if you go down, the entire ship goes down.

It might also pay to pop in and see your GP to discuss how you are feeling and the stress/strain you are currently under. Please take good care of yourself x

Grace12 · ‎08-07-2018

Hi Grace, I was shocked to read about the sad situation with your friend but I can understand how it could happen to me because I am so bound up with my son and grandson. I want to help him then it becomes too much and is impacting on my relationship with my husband. I have spoken to my son about getting some counselling, told him that I can help him with some things and he would help me by talking to a qualified person about all the things that are worrying him. He hasn't phoned me or texted me as often this past week. Last week I went with my son and grandson to a playgroup where I pointed out that they also provide counselling and advocacy for parents, it's close by where he lives and is free. I hope that he responds to this. He needs to look after his physical and mental health to be able to care for his little son and I'll talk to him again about this before we go away at the end of next week. Thank you for your considered and helpful thoughts about my situation.