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Struggling with shared care of my daughter, I can not ask for help
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Welcome to BB, I hope you find the support you need here.
I would like to paraphrase a favorite TED talk of mine ( Andrew Solomon, Depression:The family secret we all share if you want to look it up). Sadness is a natural human emotion, as is happiness, anger and fear. Depression is what happens when there is much too much sadness and the system of checks and balances that would normally cheer us up and set us going fails. It is a mental illness and something that can be treated.
It sounds as if despite your struggle to get out of bed and complete uni work, you still really love your daughter. THat shines through in your post here, to us. I don't have biological children myself, but I helped raise my step son who was in the same situation as your daughter- shared care between my husbands home and his ex. I can report that he is now a mature, caring person with so much potential it is brilliant. He is studying engineering at university and is going overseas for a term, then hopefully a year later. He was in shared care since he was 8. So just because your daughter is being raised in what some would call a broken home, does not mean she will turn out broken.
Particularly with a mother who clearly loves her like yourself. You say you struggle when she is away from you, and then face a different struggle when she is with you. Just because my stepson now lives with the ex, not us for convenience to friends and uni, doesn't make me any less of a stepmother, nor love him any less. The same applies to you. It means the time we do get to spend together is all the more precious, as you know.
There are people more qualified than I on here, in raising a younger child. I really only stepped in for min from about the age of twelve, when his formative years were well underway. I would say though that she wants to spend time with you because she loves you back. You have other pressures in your life, but maybe spend all the time you can with her alone. Just an hour or so a visit. Then call in the troops. Maybe you can also spend time with her while doing the things that need doing - have a table for her to play at in the same room where you study or try get her involved in the cooking when you make dinner. That way you can get things done, and she will appreciate spending time with you.
I'll leave it here but I hope you can reply soon,
GA
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Hi Sandy
it sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and are really trying hard to get your life together, with part custody, uni, work and a new partner. That's quite an achievement for someone in their early 20s!
im going to go out on a limb here and say that it does sound like you might be suffering from depression, (which I guess you might be thinking yourself, or maybe you wouldn't be posting here.) There are lots of different reasons people develop depression, and lots of different ways through it, probably as many different cures as there are people.
what you do need is medical help though. it is the gateway to medication, councelling, and lots of help. Its daggy and unpleasant, but its also necessary. Places like this site are also really helpful, just hearing from other people in similar situations can make you feel a lot less alone, and understood. The tribe here are really supportive and helpful. they are the antidote to the stigma inflicted by so many in the wider community!
back to the doctors though, you need to see your GP and let them know whats happening. In regards to your work, and medical references this is a real problem. I'm thinking the way through is to have one doctor who you see for depression, then annother you go to for things like a virus when you need a sick cert for work. IN Victioria, (where I am), it really helps if you can go to a doctor (for depression) who has seen you before, preferably more than 6 months ago. BUT it would be better to go to someone you haven't seen before, than no one.
Make sure you go. Depression is a bit like diabetes, where if you don't control it, it will control you. Jump on its head now, and bash it into submission- the sooner the better. Get your health organised and you will be in a good position to deal with the move to your partners, bringing up your daughter and managing uni. Things will become easier as you get better.
Good luck and Ill be looking out for your posts
bridge
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Thank you for your replies. I feel much better today. Yesterday I took part in True Grit- a 15.5km military inspired obstacle course. I got to challenge myself and do things I thought I could never achieve. I felt amazing finishing it!! A rush of a feeling that I am not hopeless. I am so happy I did it, I was about to pull out when I saw all the high obstacles as I have a horrible fear of heights but my supportive partner got me over them. But today it is Monday and I am back to my job with unstable crazy hours. I am a relived so I cover for people who can't get to work. It's always last minute work and because of this my daughter and I get no routine. The hours are always ever 0530-1730 or 1730-0530. It is long unpredictable hours and for a day shift I have to wake at 4am. I think my job has a lot to do with my emotional problems, just adds to my guilt as it's just more instability for my 4 year old. I can't wait to leave this job, the random shift hours is getting the best of me!!
Thanks again for your replies and support 🙂
